THE SHOES
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment, working on the script
for the "Jerry" pilot episode.)
GEORGE
Wait a second, wait a second...and then
the butler says, "I'm not cleanin' it
up! I'm sick of cleaning!"
JERRY
That's funny, that's funny! "I'm sick
of cleaning." That's very funny.
GEORGE
I've never seen a pilot script as funny
as this!
JERRY
Yeah, it's funny!
GEORGE
I mean, how funny is this?
JERRY
It's funny.
GEORGE
I mean, we're not stupid, right? We
know when something's funny!
JERRY
It cannot not be funny! Now come on,
let's stay with it, we gotta finish
this today.
GEORGE
Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should
give it to my therapist to read. She's
smart, I trust her.
JERRY
Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine.
GEORGE
Hey, you know, we haven't brought the
Elaine character into the show yet.
We should try and get her into this
scene.
JERRY
Right, right. Okay. (Writing) Elaine
enters. (Thinks) What does she say...?
GEORGE
I don't know, what do women say?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
I don't even know what they think. That's
why I'm in therapy.
JERRY
You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's
going to be so many people to keep track
of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget
where everybody's standing, you, me,
Kramer, the butler, it's too much.
GEORGE
Alright, forget Elaine.
JERRY
Alright. (They tear the pages out of
their notepads. Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Hey.
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
You are never gonna believe who I just
ran into today.
JERRY
Who?
KRAMER
Your old flame. Gail Cunningham.
JERRY
Did you talk to her?
KRAMER
Well, I was on my way to the Y, and
I saw her coming towards me? I didn't
know what to do! Because I remembered
you had three dates with her and she
wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now
I'm thinking, what is my duty to my
friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I ignore
her? I mean, what is my responsibility
here?
JERRY
So what happened?
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes,
(imitates Gail) "Oh, hi! Kramer!" You
know? Like nothing happened! Like she
never went three dates with you and
refused to kiss you goodnight.
JERRY
Yeah, I know about the three dates.
KRAMER
You know what I did? I snubbed her.
JERRY
What do you mean, you snubbed her?
KRAMER
I walked right by her - bffffft - never
said a word.
JERRY
Right by her?
KRAMER
Right by her!
JERRY
What you do say about a guy like this,
huh! (George applauds.) You are some
great friend, I tell ya, snubbed her!
(seriously) Not that I condone it. I've
never condoned snubbing in my administration.
Your loyalty is beyond question.
KRAMER
Yeah. Well, you know, she was lucky
I was in a good mood - coulda been a
lot worse.
New scene - Jerry and Elaine at the coffee shop. Jerry is showing
her the script.
ELAINE
I'm not even in here!
JERRY
Yeah, I know.
ELAINE
I thought there was going to be a character
named Elaine Benes.
JERRY
Well, there were too many people in
the room, we couldn't keep track of
everybody. George, and the butler, and...
ELAINE
You couldn't "keep track" of everybody?
JERRY
Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't
know how to, uh...(confessing) ...we
couldn't write for a woman. We didn't
know what you would say. Even right
now, I'm sitting here, I know you're
going to say something, I have no idea
what it is.
ELAINE
You have no idea?
JERRY
Something derogatory? (Gail enters the
coffee shop and walks over to the booth.)
GAIL
I thought I'd find you here.
JERRY
Well, Gail Cunningham.
ELAINE
Hi, Gail.
GAIL
Hi, Elaine. (To Jerry) Hey, what is
with your friend Kramer?
JERRY
Why?
GAIL
He snubbed me.
JERRY
Are you sure?
GAIL
Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him?
JERRY
Nothing. (Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich
and is about to take a bite.) Hey, where
you goin' with that? Gimme that. (Takes
back the sandwich.)
ELAINE
I thought you were finished.
JERRY
I took two bites, how am I finished?
(Elaine coughs.) Plus you're coming
down with something? You want me to
get sick? (Offers Gail the sandwich)
Bite?
GAIL
So, how come? Why did Kramer do that?
JERRY
I don't know. Once he leaves the building,
he's out of my jurisdiction.
GAIL
Well, tell him that I am mad at him.
JERRY
Alright. So, where ya cookin' now?
GAIL
Pfeiffer's.
JERRY
Ah, the power lunch crowd.
GAIL
Nice shoes!
ELAINE
Oh. Thank you.
GAIL
Where'd you get 'em?
ELAINE
They're um, Botticelli's.
GAIL
Ooh, Botticelli's! Look at you! I'm
afraid to go in there.
ELAINE
Really.
JERRY
Would you care to join us?
GAIL
No, no, I gotta get to the restaurant.
(Looks at her watch.) Oh! See ya. (Exits.)
JERRY
See ya.
ELAINE
"Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's."
JERRY
That bothered you?
ELAINE
Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair
of shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed
to shop there? That really embarrassed
me.
JERRY
It did?
ELAINE
Yes! Couldn't you see that?
JERRY
No. This is why you're not in the pilot.
New scene - George in a session with Dana, his therapist.
DANA
Well, George, I think you're beginning
to get some perspective on things. I
think we're making progress.
GEORGE
Yeah, I feel like I've grown.
DANA
Good. So, let's pick up on this next
week.
GEORGE
Great. (They both stand.) Oh, by the
way, did you get a chance to read the
script?
DANA
Yes, yes I did.
GEORGE
Well, what'd you think?
DANA
Uh...it was...good.
GEORGE
You didn't like it?
DANA
Well, no, I -
GEORGE
I can't believe this! What was wrong
with it? What didn't you like about
it?
DANA
It wasn't funny.
GEORGE
It wasn't funny? What, are you kidding?
DANA
No, I didn't find it funny.
GEORGE
You didn't find it funny?! This is what
I'm paying for?
DANA
Well, that whole storyline about a guy
who gets into a car accident, doesn't
have any insurance, so the judge sentences
him to be a butler? I didn't really
buy that.
GEORGE
Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...we
pitched this story to Russell Dalrymple,
the president of NBC, and he ate it
up with a spoon.
DANA
George, if you're going to be in a creative
field, you're going to have to learn
how to deal with criticism.
GEORGE
How's this for criticism? Um...you stink.
How do like that criticism? You know
what's funny to me? That diploma up
on the wall. That is my idea of "com-med-dee"!
You sitting here, telling people what
to do.
DANA
I think you'd better go.
GEORGE
Oh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' (Heads
for the door, then stops.) It's Jerry's
fault. He took out all my good lines.
He's such a control freak!
New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. They're both
standing by the door. Elaine enters.
GEORGE
So, you send me to this therapist to
help me with my emotional disorders,
and she criticizes our script. (Tosses
the script to Jerry.) What kind of a
therapist is that?
ELAINE
I guess she didn't think it was funny.
GEORGE
Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What
is she, Rowan & Martin? We're supposed
to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely
shattered my confidence. And I'm paying
for this, she's my employee!
JERRY
I thought your mother's paying for it.
GEORGE
And she slaves to earn every penny.
So that someday, I might be able to
walk up to a woman and say, "Yes, I'm
bald, but I'm still a good person."
JERRY
You know, he's right. It's not her place
to criticize the script, which reminds
me - what did you think of it? You never
told me.
ELAINE
What did I think of it? (Manufactures
a cough instead of answering. Kramer
enters.)
KRAMER
Hey, buddy, I got something to tell
ya. (Elaine runs towards to the bathroom
in lieu of answering Jerry's question.)
JERRY
Hey, one second, you don't get off that
easy. C'mon, tell me what you thought.
ELAINE
Well, you know, I...
KRAMER
I just kissed Gail Cunningham. (Jerry
turns and looks at Kramer, shocked.
Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.)
JERRY
You what?
KRAMER
Yeah, I kissed her.
JERRY
You kissed her?
KRAMER
Right on the mouth.
JERRY
What kinda great friend are you? How
do you go from snubbing to kissing?
KRAMER
Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know,
she came up to me, she started yelling
because I snubbed her, and then we started
talking a little bit, and I walked her
to her building. And just before I left,
I put my arm around her waist, I pulled
her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one!
(Laughs.)
JERRY
And what did she do?
KRAMER
She kissed me back.
JERRY
I don't get this. I go out with this
girl three times, she doesn't want to
shake my hand - why's she kissing you?
KRAMER
Because I snubbed her. You see? Women,
they like that! Yes! I understand women.
The snub is good, they love the snub!
GEORGE
No they don't. I tried that once. I
snubbed for a year. Nothing. Every woman
I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people
so pleased. (Elaine returns from the
bathroom.)
KRAMER
Ooh, so...I understand you're buying
new shoes now at Botticelli's.
ELAINE
What? Who told you that?
KRAMER
Gail Cunningham.
ELAINE
I don't understand, why is this woman
talking about my shoes? Why are my shoes
a topic of conversation?
KRAMER
Well, you know, we were just talking,
and she mentioned how you're buying
your shoes now at Botticelli's.
ELAINE
"How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!"
Did you hear this? (Shoves Jerry and
Kramer.)
JERRY
So what?
ELAINE
So what?! She is talking about my shoes!
She is discussing my shoes! It is nobody's
business where I buy my shoes! (Storms
over to the couch and angrily sits down.
Jerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine
from the kitchen, comically puzzled
by her outburst...)
New scene - Gail cooking in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's Restaurant.
Elaine marches in.
ELAINE
Hey! Gail!
GAIL
Elaine...!
ELAINE
Why are you talking about my shoes?
GAIL
What?
ELAINE
My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking
about my Botticelli shoes.
GAIL
What are you talking about?
ELAINE
Did you or did you not tell Kramer that
I got my shoes at Botticelli's? (A waiter
comes over and puts a plate of food
on Gail's cutting board.)
WAITER
Too spicy. He wants another one. You
got that pasta primavera?
GAIL
Look Elaine, I am very busy here.
ELAINE
Who else have you mentioned my shoes
to, huh? I wanna know why my footwear
is your conversation!
GAIL
I am not discussing this. This is insane.
WAITER
You got that pasta primavera? Let's
go! (Gail passes the plate to the waiter
in front of Elaine. Elaine sneezes on
it. The waiter brings the pasta to the
dining room and serves it to Russell
Dalrymple, the president of NBC.) Here
you are, Mr. Dalrymple.
RUSSELL
Thank you.
WAITER
Sorry for the delay. Enjoy your lunch.
New scene - Jerry and George arrive at Dalrymple's apartment
to discuss the script.
RUSSELL
Well, come in. (They shake hands.) Awfully
sorry to make you come up here, but
I really wasn't feeling well enough
to go back to the office, and well,
it's the only chance I have to meet
with you this week.
JERRY
Are you alright?
RUSSELL
Well, it's my stomach. I think there
must have been something in the pasta
primavera I had for lunch.
JERRY
Where did you eat?
RUSSELL
Pfeiffer's.
JERRY
Ah. I know the chef there.
RUSSELL
Yeah. The food's usually terrific.
GEORGE
My cousin worked for Bouchard's. They
used to use the bouilla-base for a toilet.
(Jerry and Russell are shocked.)
RUSSELL
What are you saying?
GEORGE
Well, you didn't hear it from me, but
needless to say, if you go in there
- stick with the consumee.
RUSSELL
Well, we'd better get started, my daughter's
going to be here soon.
JERRY
Oh, you have a daughter?
RUSSELL
Yeah, she just turned fifteen last week.
GEORGE
Aw, that's a fun age. (Jerry looks at
George distastefully.)
RUSSELL
Alright. The script. Now, I've read
this thing three times...and everytime
I read it...(looks nauseous, struggles
not to vomit.)
JERRY
What?
RUSSELL
Excuse me for a second. (Gets up and
runs to the bathroom.)
GEORGE
Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep
them in my wallet...! (Russell goes
into the bathroom and shuts the door.)
(To Jerry) Do you think he liked it?
(From the bathroom, we hear Russell
violently heaving his guts.)
JERRY
I'm not sure. (The sounds of Russell
vomiting emanate from the bathroom.
Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.)
What was that dish he said he had...?
GEORGE
Pasta primavera.
JERRY
Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian
for 'spring.'
GEORGE
No!
JERRY
Yeah.
RUSSELL
Really, I'm terribly sorry, it just,
uh...all of a sudden it just hit me.
GEORGE
So, you were saying how, um...about
the script...
RUSSELL
Right. The script. Your script needs
some...it needs, um...(looks nauseous
again. Gets up and runs to the bathroom
a second time.)
GEORGE
More jokes?
JERRY
Another ending?
GEORGE
A different name for the butler? (Russell
throws up again.)
JERRY
Maybe we should go.
GEORGE
We haven't heard his notes yet, we don't
know how he feels about our work. (Russell
throws up yet again.)
RUSSELL
Oh God. Oh my god.
JERRY
I can't listen to anymore of this, the
guy's losing a lung in there. (Russell's
daughter Molly enters.)
MOLLY
Hello.
JERRY
Hi.
GEORGE
Hi.
MOLLY
I'm Molly.
JERRY
I'm Jerry.
GEORGE
George.
JERRY
We're here discussing our script with
your father.
GEORGE
He just read it. (Russell vomits again.
Jerry and George look ashamed.)
MOLLY
Daddy? Are you okay?
RUSSELL
Yeah, sweetie. I'm fine. (Molly sits
on the back of the chair.)
GEORGE
So, you live with your mother, huh?
MOLLY
Uh, yeah.
GEORGE
Divorce is very difficult. Especially
on a kid. Of course, I'm the result
of my parents having stayed together,
so you never know. (Russell comes out
of the bathroom.)
MOLLY
Daddy, are you alright? What's the matter?
RUSSELL
It's just a stomach thing.
MOLLY
Yuck.
RUSSELL
We're going to have to do this some
other time, so if you'll give me your
number, I'll call you later. (Jerry
and George nod. Molly takes her jacket
off.)
GEORGE
You know, suddenly I'm in the mood for
pasta primavera myself. (Jerry nudges
George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage
as she bends over and looks in her backpack.
Jerry has a quick look, but George stares,
hypnotized. Russell comes up behind
George.)
RUSSELL
Get a good look, Costanza?
New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
What were you doing?
GEORGE
Well, it's not my fault. You poked me!
JERRY
You're supposed to just take a peek
after a poke. You were like you just
put a quarter into one of those big
metal things on top of the Empire State
Building.
GEORGE
It's cleavage. I couldn't look away.
What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here?
This is all I have in my life.
JERRY
Looking at cleavage is like looking
at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's
too risky. You get a sense of it and
then you look away.
GEORGE
All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage
peek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look
at his daughter's cleavage? She's got
nice cleavage.
JERRY
That's why I poked.
GEORGE
That's why I peeked. (Jerry opens the
door to take some trash out, and meets
Kramer and Gail in the hallway.)
GAIL
Hey! What is with your friend Elaine?
JERRY
What?
GAIL
She comes to my restaurant, comes right
in my kitchen, and starts complaining
that I'm talking about her shoes.
KRAMER
Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful.
GAIL
I don't want people coming into my kitchen.
I think she might have sneezed all over
someone's pasta primavera. Someone might
have gotten sick because of her. (Kramer
and Gail exit.)
GEORGE
Pasta primavera?
JERRY
Is that what she said? (Kramer pokes
his head back in the door.)
KRAMER
She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one.
She's wearin' me out.
JERRY
She is?
KRAMER
She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking
and all. (Kramer grins happily at Jerry
and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses
the trashbag to George.)
JERRY
Hello? Oh, hi Stu.
GEORGE
From NBC?
JERRY
Yeah. What's goin' on? What? Really?
Oh my god....did he give you a reason?...Oh
boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. (hangs up.)
Dalrymple just cancelled the pilot.
(George drops the bag, shocked.)
Commercial break.
New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
If you hadn't gone into her restaurant,
this never would have happened.
ELAINE
Look, I don't like people talking about
my shoes behind my back, okay? My shoes
are my business. The two of you shouldn't
have been looking at some fifteen year-old's
cleavage anyway!
GEORGE
He poked me!
JERRY
There was cleavage in the area. That's
a reflex - (mimics nudging someone with
an elbow) - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke...
ELAINE
But she was fifteen.
JERRY
You don't consider age in the face of
cleavage. This occurs on a molecular
level, you can't control it! We're like
some kind of weird fish where the eyes
operate independently of the head.
GEORGE
Alright, what's the difference. What
are we gonna do now? He won't take our
calls, we can't get into his office...
JERRY
You know what we could do? He eats at
that restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could
have Gail call us, tell us the next
time he's there, go there and talk to
him.
GEORGE
Hey, now you're onto something.
JERRY
The whole thing is so stupid. Like he
wouldn't do the same thing if Elaine
walked by in a low-cut dress.
GEORGE
Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine, but...somebody
like Gail, though.
ELAINE
What? What do you mean, Gail? (Kramer
enters.)
KRAMER
Yah-hey.
JERRY
Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail
to do me a favor. The next time Russell
Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask
her if she would call me.
KRAMER
Alright, I'll call her right now. (Kramer
goes back to his apartment.)
ELAINE
What do you mean, Gail? You don't think
I can attract attention? You don't think
I can put asses in the seats?
JERRY
Look, sweetheart, you know you've got
it all. But let's face it... (Kramer
comes back.)
KRAMER
She said she'll do it.
JERRY
Beautiful.
KRAMER
But she wants the shoes.
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER
She says she wants those shoes.
ELAINE
She wants my shoes? What kind of person
is this? Alright! She is not getting
'em!
JERRY
No, come on! I'll buy you another pair!
ELAINE
No, these were the last pair of these
that they had!
JERRY
I'll get you another one just like it!
ELAINE
No, but these were the only really cool
ones like this! Don't you see how everybody
likes 'em and how everybody talks about
'em? (Jerry, realizing Elaine's motivation,
sits at the counter unbelievingly.)
GEORGE
Elaine, this pilot...it doesn't matter
to me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's
my mother. I've been over to the hospital
to see her...
ELAINE
Oh yeah, because she caught you jer
-
GEORGE
Never mind!
ELAINE
Oh, come on, wait a second, this whole
thing is ridiculous. How do I even know
she wears the same size?
KRAMER
Alright, what size are you?
ELAINE
Seven-and-a-half.
KRAMER
Eh! Bingo.
New scene - Gail in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's. She notices Dalrymple
being shown to his table.
GAIL
Sauce this. (Goes to the telephone and
dials.) Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one
more thing...bring the shoes. (Hangs
up.)
Continuation of last scene - Russell eating at the restaurant.
Jerry and George arrive. Jerry hands the shoes to Gail, and they
walk over to Russell's table.
JERRY
Hey! Whattaya know!
GEORGE
Look who's here!
JERRY
Fancy meeting you here!
RUSSELL
Oh. Hello.
GEORGE
Pasta primavera! Back on the horse.
JERRY
You know, it's a funny thing, because
after the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't
heard from you.
GEORGE
Didn't hear anything...
JERRY
Didn't know...we were wondering...what
happened.
RUSSELL
It just didn't seem to be the right
project for us right now. (Elaine walks
by in a low-cut dress. Jerry and George
look at her as she moves to the table
opposite Russell.) So, what were you
saying?
GEORGE
Oh...uh, because if it had anything
at all to do with what you perceived
as me leering at your daughter, I really
have to take issue with that. I did
not leer. (To Jerry) Did I leer?
JERRY
No leer. (Elaine comes over to Russell's
table.)
ELAINE
Excuse me, are you using that ketchup?
RUSSELL
Uh, no. (Elaine takes the ketchup and
goes back to her table.)
GEORGE
Because, if I'm looking straight ahead,
and something enters my field of vision,
that's merely a happenstance. (Elaine
loudly snaps and unfolds her napkin
at the next table to get Russell's attention.)
RUSSELL
Under the circumstances, I don't really
feel that we should be in business together.
(Elaine comes back over.)
ELAINE
Here's your ketchup back. You know,
I had the hardest time trying to get
some out. I mean, I just kept pounding
and pounding on the bottom of it. Do
you have any trouble?
RUSSELL
No.
ELAINE
Do you have a...ketchup secret?
RUSSELL
No, I... (finally notices Elaine)...don't
have a ketchup secret. (Smiles.)
ELAINE
Because if you do have a ketchup secret,
I would really, really like to know
what it is. (Russell is pleased, and
smiles at Elaine. Elaine goes back to
her table, sits down, and waves at Russell.)
RUSSELL
Field of vision, huh?
Commercial break.
New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine having dinner at Pfeiffer's.
Gail comes over to the table.
GAIL
How's everything?
ELAINE
Mmmm.
JERRY
Really good.
GEORGE
This pasta primavera is fabulous.
JERRY
Very tasty.
GAIL
How'd everything go with that NBC guy?
GEORGE
Great.
JERRY
The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's
going out with him tomorrow night. (Gail
nods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine,
if Russell mentions anything about the
pilot, you'll of course tell him how
much you liked it...?
ELAINE
You know, I happen to have the script
right here with me and, uh...on page
3, for example, suppose the Elaine character
comes in wearing a...a low-cut dress.
And the butler is very distracted, and
can't work.
JERRY
Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little
broad for us.
ELAINE
Well, I'm sure it's right up Russell's
alley.
GEORGE
Well, it's a funny idea.
JERRY
It's funny!
GEORGE
C'mon, funny is funny.
JERRY
Funny is funny, we're here to entertain,
right?
ELAINE
Well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell
tomorrow night.
JERRY
If you can.
GEORGE
Yeah. Where's he taking you, by the
way?
ELAINE
Bouchard's, on 53rd. (George starts
choking on his wine, and attempts to
tell Elaine something.)
JERRY
I think what he's trying to say is,
"get the bouilla-base." (George nods
'yes' and continues to choke.)
THE END
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