THE SMELLY CAR
Written by
Larry David & Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
JERRY
...And it *is* embarrassing, because
a doggie bag means either you
are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen
the
stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about
the
doggie bag on a date? That's a good move for a guy, huh? Lemme
tell
YOU SOMETHING
if you're a guy and you ask for the
doggie bag on a
date, you might as well have them just wrap up your genitals
too.
You're not going to be needing those for awhile, either.
JERRY
Is that bothering you?
ELAINE
No, not at all...
ELAINE
Oh, could you please hurry?
JERRY
(mockingly) "Please hurry". Look at
you. Look at what you've
become.
ELAINE
What? What have I become? I haven't
"become" anything...
JERRY
Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes?
ELAINE
I don't want to keep him waiting...
JERRY
He'll like you more...
ELAINE
That's impossible...
WIFE
Andrew, why do you have to pick your
teeth at the table?
HUSBAND
Leave me alone.
JERRY
Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real*
soon...
JERRY
So, where am I dropping you?
ELAINE
His place...
JERRY
This guy's got quite a racket. I take
you to dinner and then drop
you off at his apartment...
ELAINE
*And* he gets the rest of my chicken...
JERRY
So, is tonight "the night"?
ELAINE
You never know...
JERRY
Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*!
JERRY
Boy, do you smell something?
ELAINE
Do I smell something? What am I, hard
of smelling? Of *course* I
smell something.
JERRY
What is it?
ELAINE
I think it's B.O.!
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
It's B.O. The *valet* must have had
B.O.
JERRY
It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like
this.
ELAINE
Jerry. It's *B*.*O*.
JERRY
But the whole car smells.
ELAINE
So?
JERRY
So when somebody has B.O., the "O" usually
stays with the "B".
Once the "B" leaves, the "O" goes with it.
ELAINE
I can't believe you ski!
CARL
I'm a great skier.
ELAINE
Yeah? What else?
CARL
Let's see... I ski, I fish, I pillage,
I plunder...
ELAINE
(delightedly) Oh! You "pillage and plunder"?
CARL
...When I travel.
ELAINE
See? Finally, *finally* I get to meet
a man who pillages and
plunders! I'm so lucky.
GEORGE
This'll only take a second.
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm going to poke around...
GEORGE
(to himself) Hey, whatd'ya know? Look
at that! A *lesbian*
sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're *so* fascinating. Why
is
that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that...
GEORGE
(to himself) Oh, my God! It's Susan!
What do I do?
SUSAN
George?
GEORGE
(to himself) Argh! (to Susan) Susan!
Hi! Oh, boy! What are
you doing here?!
SUSAN
Renting a video! What do you got there?
GEORGE
Oh, ... some stupid movie...
SUSAN
This is Mona.
GEORGE
Oh, hi...
MONA
Pleasure to meet you.
GEORGE
Yes. Well...
MONA
Well, I'll let you two, uh... catch
up.
SUSAN
You okay?
GEORGE
Yeah. Yes! I just haven't seen you in
a long time.
SUSAN
And you didn't expect me to be holding
hands with a woman.
GEORGE
Oh, *please*! Me? C'mon! That's *great*!
Are you kidding? I
think thats fan*tastic*! I've always encouraged experimentation!
I'm the first guy in the pool! Who do you think you're talking
to?
SUSAN
I *know* who I'm talking to.
GEORGE
Of course you do... It's just, uh, y'know,
I-I never *knew*, uh,
that, uh...
SUSAN
I liked women?
GEORGE
There you go.
GEORGE
So, uh, how long has this been going
on?
SUSAN
Since you and I broke up.
GEORGE
Ssssso, after me, you... went that way?
SUSAN
Yeah.
GEORGE
Oh, I think that's fantastic. Good for
you. Nice. That's very
nice.
SUSAN
So, what have you got there?
GEORGE
Oh, I, uh--
SUSAN
Oh, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''
GEORGE
It's a foreign movie... a *film*, is
what it is, actually.
SUSAN
Yeah... A lot of nudity in that, huh?
GEORGE
No, no, no... Just a *tiny* bit... It's
not even *frontal* nudity.
It's... *sidal* nudity...
CLERK
Next.
GEORGE
Oh, that's me.
SUSAN
Alright, well... Good seeing you, George.
GEORGE
Yes, good to see you, too. And Good
luck with, uh... with the
whole thing, there.
CLERK
Uh, what are you returning?
GEORGE
(embarrassed pause) ``Rochelle, Rochelle''.
CLERK
Ah, ``Rochelle, Rochelle''... "A young
girl's strange, erotic
journey from Milan to Minsk"...
CLERK
Uh, that'll be, uh... $3.49.
GEORGE
$3.49? It says $1.49.
CLERK
Well, you didn't rewind it. There's
a $2.00 charge for not
rewinding.
GEORGE
What! There's no signs here! This is
an outrage!
KRAMER
George, don't give him any money for
that. It'll cost you less to
keep it another day, rewind it and bring it back tomorrow. Don't
give him the satisfaction.
GEORGE
I'm not giving you the satisfaction.
I'm gonna watch it again...
JERRY
So, this morning I go down to the garage
to check the car out. I
figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve
hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in
the
*face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained*
strength throughout the night...
ELAINE
Y'know I can think of at *least* six
known offensive odours that
I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car.
JERRY
What about skunk?
ELAINE
I don't mind skunk.
JERRY
Horse manure?
ELAINE
I *loooove* horse manure.
JERRY
Well, I've never seen anything like
this in my life. In fact, I
went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and
get
the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my
responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now,
and *demand* they pay for it.
ELAINE
Absolutely.
ELAINE
Listen, lemme ask you something. When
you're with a guy, and he
tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?
JERRY
It means he's lying.
ELAINE
Wow...
JERRY
Why? Is that what he told you?
ELAINE
Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men
*have* to get up early some
time...
JERRY
No. Never.
ELAINE
Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the
street early in the morning.
JERRY
Well, sometimes we do actually have
to get up early, but a man will
*always* trade sleep for sex.
ELAINE
Is it possible I'm not as attractive
as I think I am?
JERRY
Anything's *possible*...
JERRY
What's the matter with you?
KRAMER
Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life...
JERRY
Oh yeah, Steinbrenner...
KRAMER
I don't think I can take another season
with him, Jerry. He'll
just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did
with
Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff...
JERRY
I know the list...
KRAMER
What's that smell?
JERRY
What smell?
KRAMER
Ooooh... You stink.
JERRY
Whatd'ya mean I stink?
KRAMER
You *stink*. Why don't you go take a
shower?
JERRY
I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since
I showered, I've been in
the car!
ELAINE
So?
JERRY
Don't you see what's happening here?
It's attached itself to me!
It's alive!
ELAINE
If it attached itself to you, then...
Oh, my God! That's why Carl
said he had to get up early! Because I stink! Jerry, he thinks
I
have B.O.! Me!
KRAMER
What happened?
JERRY
What happened? My car *stinks* is what
happened. And it's
destroying the lives of everyone in it's path.
GEORGE
What is that? B.O.?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
This is *unbelievable* B.O.
JERRY
I know... I was at the car wash this
morning and the guy told me
in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything
like
it.
GEORGE
So, let me ask you. Do you think I could
have done this?
JERRY
No, no. It's the valet guy.
GEORGE
No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.
JERRY
Oh... No, that's ridiculous.
GEORGE
What if her experience with me *drove*
her to it?
JERRY
Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism.
GEORGE
The woman she's "lesbianing" with? Susan
told me she's *never*
been with a guy.
GEORGE
Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond*
B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.!
JERRY
There should be a B.O. squad that patrols
the city like a "Smell
Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with
a
big, soapy brush...
GEORGE
Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow
I find her more appealing
now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out,
I
never would've broken up with her.
JERRY
Lemme see if I understand this... On
second thought...
JERRY
Here he is... that's the guy! (rolls
up window)
No, thank you, go back... go back... I'll park it! You go back!
RESTAURATEUR
What do you mean-- "stunk up"?
JERRY
I mean the car *stinks*! George, does
the car stink?
GEORGE
Stinks.
JERRY
Stinks!
RESTAURATEUR
Well, perhaps *you're* the one who has
the odour...
JERRY
Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*,
buddy!
RESTAURATEUR
Really? Well, I smell you now.
JERRY
That's from the car!
RESTAURATEUR
Well, maybe *you're* the one who stunk
up the car, rather
than the car stinking up you!
GEORGE
Oh, it's the chicken and the egg...
JERRY
Thank you very much... Well, then go
out and smell the car;
see which smells worse.
RESTAURATEUR
I don't have time to smell cars.
GEORGE
Forget about smelling the car. Smell
the valet. Go to the
source...
JERRY
You've gotta smell the car
RESTAURATEUR
I'm a busy man
JERRY
C'mon! One whiff!
RESTAURATEUR
Alright, one whiff...
RESTAURATEUR
Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks!
Now will you
let me out!
JERRY
Alright, will you pay for the cleaning?
RESTAURATEUR
Yes! 50 dollars! I'll give you 50 dollars!
RESTAURATEUR
I'm not paying for *that*. They've already
got my seven
dollars... (sarcastically) "...erotic journey from Milan to
Minsk"...
CARL
The valet had such bad B.O.?
ELAINE: OH, MAN, JUST *RAMPANT*, MUTANT B.O. THE "O" WENT FROM
THE
valet's "B", to the car, to me. It clings to everything. Jerry
thinks it's an entity. But I showered and I shampoo'ed, so...
CARL
That's a relief...
ELAINE
What?
CARL
It's still there...
ELAINE
No, no, no! It *can't* be! I shampoo'ed!
I rinsed! I repeated!
GEORGE
Listen, I gotta ask you: I was a little
concerned that perhaps I
was responsible in some way for your, uh... metamorphosis.
CLERK
That'll be $98.00.
GEORGE
What $98.00?
CLERK
That's what I said. $98.00.
GEORGE
How could that piece of *crap* cost
$98.00!?
GEORGE
So, was it me?
SUSAN
Oh, don't be ridiculous! Is that what
you wanted to talk to me
about? (Gives him the $35) Here.
GEORGE
Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you
back.
SUSAN
Yeah, *sure*... I gotta go.
GEORGE
Listen. Let me ask you something. If
you and Mona were ever
to... dance, how do you decide who leads? I mean... do you take
turns? Do you discuss it beforehand? How does that work?
SUSAN
You're an idiot.
GEORGE
Why? That's a *legitimate* sociological
question.
SUSAN
I'll see ya. And George, by the way...
You stink... Real bad.
GEORGE
It's not me! It's the car!
MONA
I didn't think I'd come.
KRAMER
I knew you would.
MONA
Oh, Kramer!
CAR WASHER
We spray everything with Ozium-D, let
it de-ionise, vacuum the
spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure
compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining
liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners,
in
your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri.
JERRY
Let's do it.
HAIRDRESSER
The first thing we're gonna do is flush
the follicles with the
five essential oils. Then, we put you under a vapour machine,
and then a heated cap. Then, we shampoo and shampoo and
condition and condition. Then, we saturate the hair in diluted
vinegar-- two parts vinegar, 10 parts water. Now, if that
doesn't work, we have one last resort. Tomato sauce.
ELAINE
Tomato Sauce?
JERRY
Wait a minute! It still smells! It still
smells!
CARL
It still smells.
JERRY
It still smells!
GEORGE
How could it still smell after all that?
JERRY
I don't know!
GEORGE
Well, what are you gonna do?
JERRY
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm
selling that car!
GEORGE
You're *selling* the car!?
JERRY
You don't understand what I'm up against.
This is a force more
powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would
be
helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything
I can
get for it.
GEORGE
Maybe I'll buy it.
JERRY
Are you crazy? Don't you understand
what I'm saying to you? This
is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this
thing!
ELAINE
I still smell!
JERRY
You see! You see what I'm saying to
you? It's a presence! It's
the beast!
SUSAN
Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know
you're in there!
JERRY
Susan!
SUSAN
Kramer!
JERRY
What is going on?
SUSAN
You know what's going on? First, he
vomits on me. Then, he burns
down my father's cabin. And now, he's taken Mona away from me.
GEORGE
He stole your girlfriend?
SUSAN
Yes. She's in *love* with him.
GEORGE
Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism,
he brings 'em back.
JERRY
That's the *least* of what you've accomplished...
ELAINE
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kramer,
Kramer... Hold on a second.
I don't get this. This woman has *never* been with a man her
*entire* life--
KRAMER
I'm Kramer.
GEORGE
I know what you're going through. Women.
Who knows what they want?
SUSAN
I just don't know what she sees in *Kramer*.
GEORGE
Listen. You're beautiful. You're intelligent.
You'll meet other
girls...
SUSAN
You think so?
GEORGE
Yes, I know so. You happen to be a very
eligible lesbian.
SUSAN
You're very sweet...
GEORGE
Hey, I know what I'm talking about.
I gotta be honest with you, I
gotta tell ya... Ever since I saw you holding hands with that
woman, I can't get you out of my mind.
SUSAN
Really?
GEORGE
Yeah, you're just so... hip.
GEORGE
Oh, my God...
SUSAN
What?
GEORGE
It's Allison. I dated her right after
you. She's obsessed with me.
ALLISON
George?
GEORGE
Allison! Hi! Oh, my God! How are you?
ALLISON
Good. You know, you owe me $50...
GEORGE
Right. I don't have it on me. Allison,
this is Susan. Susan,
Allison.
ALLISON
Nice to meet you...
SUSAN
Nice to meet you...
ALLISON
That's a beautiful vest...
SUSAN
Thank you...
KRAMER
I don't understand it. I was with her
last night in my apartment;
it was very romantic. Y'know with that fake wood wallpaper, the
atmosphere is *fabulous* in there, now. It's like a ski lodge.
SALESMAN
What year did you say this was?
JERRY
'90.
KRAMER
Anyway, we were on the couch, I move
to hug her, next thing she
tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.
JERRY
That's strange...
SALESMAN
How many miles you got on this thing?
JERRY
23 000.
KRAMER
And I was looking good, too. I had a
nice, new shirt on, I'm
wearing *your* jacket...
JERRY
Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that
in the car! The Beast!
SALESMAN
I can't sell this car.
JERRY: THIS... THING... HAS GOT TO BE STOPPED!
HAIRDRESSER
So, what do you want to do?
ELAINE
Sauce me.
JERRY
Why do we need B.O.? What is the function
of it? Everything in
nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make
any
sense-- do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad.
This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink.
Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd
be
a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry
in
the hamper, you'd put it in a vase. You'd go down to the drugstore
and pick up some odourant and perspirant. You'd probably have
a
dirty sweat sock hanging from the rear-view mirror of your car.
And then on a really special night, maybe a little underwear
comin'
out of your breast pocket. Just to let her know she's important.
THE END
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