THE STALL
Written by
Larry Charles
(the bathroom)
ELAINE
what a dope!
uh..excuse me
umm.. I'm sorry
this is.. this is kind of embarrassing
but.. there's no toilet paper over
here
JANE
(from the stall on Elaine's right)
are you talking to me?
ELAINE
yeah.. I
I just forgot to check
so if you could just spare me some
JANE
no I'm sorry
ELAINE
what?
JANE
no I'm sorry, I can't spare it
ELAINE
you can't spare it??
JANE
no there's not enough to spare
ELAINE
well I don't need much, just 3
squares will do it
JANE
I'm sorry I don't have a square
to spare, now if you don't mind..
ELAINE
3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??
JANE
no I don't have a square to spare,
I can't spare a square
ELAINE
oh is it two-ply? cause it it's
two-ply I'll take one ply, one
ply, one, one
puny little ply, I'll take one
measly ply
JANE
look, I don't have a square and
I don't have a ply (flushing and
leaving)
ELAINE
no no, no no, don't don't, I beg
you
(the movie theater)
JERRY
(eating pop corn)
hmm I love this artificial flavoring
I like it better than butter
I think it's more consistent
JANE
you would not believe what just
happened to me in the bathroom
JERRY
what?
(offering pop corn to Jane)
(elsewhere in the same theater)
ELAINE
HEY
TONY
HEY
hey? where is my popcorn babe?
ELAINE
what?
TONY
my popcorn, you were supposed to
get me popcorn
what? would you forget about me
babe?
ELAINE
you would not believe what just
happened to me in the bathroom
JANE
I mean.. a person needs a certain
amount of toilet paper to be covered..
I
simply could not spare it
this woman just didn't get it,
she kept harassing me
ELAINE
3 squares!! that's all I was asking
for! 3 squares!
JANE
she wouldn't stop
"help me! help me!"
she was insane
ELAINE
I was begging her
"please! please!"
she was insane
JERRY
who do you think she is? how dare
she?
you want me to get the manager?
too bad they don't have those old
ladies
walking around with flashlights
anymore
we'd flush her out
JANE
I don't know what she looks like
JERRY
I wonder where Elaine is sitting?
I really wanted you to meet her
she's supposed to be here tonight
with her new boyfriend Tony
ELAINE
hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's
supposed to be here tonight with
his new
girlfriend I'm dying to see what
she looks like
TONY
hey? you think if I jumped off
this balcony I'd get hurt?
(Jerry's apt.)
(Jerry's at his computer)
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
HEY
JERRY
HEY
KRAMER
hey guy, can I use your phone in
your bedroom?
JERRY
what's the matter with yours?
KRAMER
huh.. my batteries are dead
JERRY
hey it's not one of those 976 calls,
is it?
KRAMER
look come on, let me use it, 5
minutes, I'll pay you back huh?
JERRY
why do you do that?
KRAMER
oh... (get in the bedroom)
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
I am never going back to the movies
again
JERRY
hey where were you last night?
I looked for you, I didn't see
you
ELAINE
I looked for you too, I was all
the way over on the side
JERRY
oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony
ELAINE
YEAH
JERRY
hey hey (fooling around with his
collar)
ELAINE
yeah, all right ok
JERRY
Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)
ELAINE
that's nice. Listen, listen to
this
I am in the bathroom, right before
the movie starts
JERRY
huh huh
ELAINE
I'm in the stall and there's no
toilet paper
JERRY
no what?
ELAINE
toilet paper
JERRY
oh.. whoa..
ELAINE
so I ask this woman in the stall
next to me for some and she refuses!
ho ho
JERRY
well maybe she couldn't spare it
ELAINE
a square?
JERRY
well, you know, sometimes a square
is everything
ELAINE
a ply?
JERRY
Elaine, you cannot judge a person
on a situation like that. I mean
it's like
asking for someone's canteen in
the desert
ELAINE
YEAH
JERRY
it's battle conditions
ELAINE
yeah, well
I just hope I run into her again
ok, cause I will never forget that
flinty
voice, it is tattooed in my brain
if I hear it, watch out
So listen what happened with Jane
last night?
JERRY
oh.. Jane she huh.. she huh..
ELAINE
the 4 of us are going out Saturday
right? hat should be fun
JERRY
yeah that should be real fun
ELAINE
you know what, it's getting late,
can I call Tony?
JERRY
YEAH
(Elaine picks up the wireless phone
and presses for the tone)
WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE
then we'll get a cab and we'll
do it in the back seat.. how's
that Andre?
ELAINE
Andre?
(Jerry approaches and listens to
the phone with Elaine)
KRAMER (on the phone)
what about the driver? we could
get an accident
WOMAN
so what?
KRAMER
oh that wouldn't be very good
JERRY
(on the phone)
hey Andre, get the hell off the
phone!
ELAINE
what is going on? what.. who is
Andre?
JERRY
Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around
with these 976 numbers (Kramer
walks out
of the bedroom) hey I told you,
I don't want you doing that on
my phone
KRAMER
Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone
sex thing is hilarious, like this
woman
Erika, here look (showing the ad
in the newspaper). You gotta call
her, the
voice she uses..
JERRY
hey you know it's weird because
that voice sounded a little familiar
to me
KRAMER
hey, you're hungry? Monk's?
JERRY
no I gotta go downtown
ELAINE
oh wait, you're giving me a lift
home right?
JERRY
YEAH
ELAINE
so listen, what happened last night
with Jane?
JERRY
nothing, she just.. choked on a
jujube
(Jerry's car)
ELAINE
you know I hate to tell you this,
but it's time to defrost that freezer
JERRY
I know, I just can't bring myself
to do it
meanwhile that freezer keeps getting
smaller and smaller (she smiles)
(Elaine looks at her watch)
oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting
ELAINE
hey you got a problem with Tony?
JERRY
hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools
around with his collar again)
ELAINE
ok Jerry, I would be going out
with him no matter what he looked
like
JERRY
of course you would
ELAINE
oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to
talk
JERRY
ELAINE
ELAINE
what?
JERRY
it's different for a man
ELAINE
huh?
JERRY
we're expected to be superficial
ELAINE
I'm not being superficial
JERRY
Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo,
he's a mimbo
ELAINE
he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting,
charismatic man
he just happened to have a perfect
face
JERRY
and that's why you're going out
with him
ELAINE
no it is not
JERRY
you know, I think George has a
non sexual crush on him
ELAINE
I think he does too
JERRY
I mean, every time I see him, it's
Tony this, Tony that. George is
like a
school girl around him
(MONK'S)
TONY
so I said huh.. "hey dude, you
better step off"
(Tony takes his cap and wears it
backwards)
GEORGE
"step off"?
TONY
YEAH
GEORGE
you said "step off"?
wow, that is too much
hey..huh hey (George turns the
cap his wearing backwards like
Tony)
Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm
for us. Can you guess what it is?
TONY
NO
GEORGE
bowling! what do you see bowling?
bowling's insane! bowling is crazy
time
TONY
bowling? I don't think so George
you get no rush from bowling
GEORGE
rush? you want a rush? drop a bowl
on your toe my friend, talk about
a rush,
you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions
TONY
no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing
GEORGE
all right! rock-climbing! J..just
the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll
make some
sandwiches, what what do you like?
tuna? peanut butter?
TONY
what.. whatever
GEORGE
alright alright, I gotta buy some
bread
TONY
yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely
down for some rock-climbing
GEORGE
me too, I am down, I am totally
down, mark me down
TONY
cool, so what do you say we climb
a rock maņana?
GEORGE
huh.. maņana? huh maņana might..
huh maņana might be a problem,
I'm supposed
to have huh a boil lanced maņana.
Huh you know I think they charge
me if I
cancel with only one maņana's notice
(Kramer enters)
TONY
hey Kramer
KRAMER
HEY
TONY
hey, hey Kramer my man, what are
you doing maņana?
KRAMER
maņana I'm doing nada
TONY
what do you say you scale some
rock with me and George?
GEORGE
huh Tony? there's not gonna be
too many sandwiches
TONY
c'mon Kramer what do you say?
GEORGE
huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be
pretty dangerous up there
KRAMER
I am down
TONY
yes.. alright buddy, take it easy
Kramer
you down to it George? what's wrong?
GEORGE
I am down!
(JERRY'S)
ELAINE
rock climbing? hehe.. where do
you come off going rock climbing..
rock
climbing? you need a boost to climb
into your bed (Elaine and Jerry
laughs)
GEORGE
alright alright
JERRY
yeah yeah what is it with you and
Tony? what are you? it's like his
sidekick
now?
GEORGE
yeah that's right. I like it. He's
such a cool guy
JERRY
cool guy? what are you, in 8th
grade?
GEORGE
he's the first cool guy I've ever
been friends with in my whole life.
You
know.. it's a different world when
you're with a cool guy, he's not
afraid of
anybody. You should hear the way
he talks to waitresses.. he gets
free pie!
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
HEY
EVERYBODY
HEY
GEORGE
hey nice move today
KRAMER
what?
GEORGE
horning on my rock climbing trip.
It's just supposed to be me and
Tony
KRAMER: he asked me
GEORGE
you put him on the spot
KRAMER
you know I think you're in love
with him
GEORGE
what?.. that's ridiculous!
KRAMER
no no no, I don't think so. You
love him
GEORGE
you better be careful on those
rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're
not getting
any sandwiches either
(phone rings, Kramer answers)
JERRY
you're making sandwiches?
KRAMER
HELLO
GEORGE
well I don't know if there's gonna
be any place to eat up there
KRAMER
who?
GEORGE
Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut
butter?
ELAINE
hates it
GEORGE
good thing I asked
JERRY (to Kramer): who is it?
KRAMER
well she says Jane
JERRY
yeah, so?
KRAMER
well that voice, it's very familiar..
throaty, almost flinty
JERRY
did you say flinty?
KRAMER
yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice)
flinty
(on the rocks)
(Kramer and George are hanging
on a rock)
KRAMER
(SINGING)
yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee
hoo!
hello! (Kramer jumps around George
from one side to an other)
ECHO
HELLO
KRAMER
hey George, hear that?
(George is terrified)
GEORGE
please please please, stop moving
that's all I'm asking..
Kramer!!
(George grabs Kramer's leg)
KRAMER
let go, hey grab the rock
GEORGE
what rock?
KRAMER
the rock
GEORGE
uh oh..
KRAMER
you gotta relax.. try the yodel
(chanting) yodel lay hee hoo
GEORGE
(SOBBING)
yodel lay hee hoo..
KRAMER
(CHANTING)
yodel lay hee hoo
GEORGE
(SOBBING)
yodel lay hee hoo..
TONY
(voice from below)
George! Kramer!
KRAMER
yeah!
TONY
take the rope, thread it through
the carabiner and knot it, and
I'll climb up
to where you are
KRAMER
alright.. George you got it? (gives
him the rope)
GEORGE
YEAH
TONY
hey George, you got anything to
eat dude?
GEORGE
(taking it out of his jacket pocket)
yeah I got some sandwiches.. I
got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony
because I know
you don't like peanut butter
(the ropes slides down)
KRAMER
what?
TONY
dude aah.......
(George and Kramer look at each
other)
GEORGE AND KRAMER
ahh.....!!
(JERRY'S)
(Jerry and Jane are eating)
JERRY
..can I have your napkin?
JANE
what?
JERRY
you napkin I'm dripping
JANE
well where is your napkin?
JERRY
I used it up
JANE
well I need mine
(looks at her watch)
oh god loot at the time, I gotta
get to work
JERRY
you know I'd like to hear about
this job of yours
JANE
I told you already it's very boring
you know I think I got a little
too much garlic, can I have a piece
of gum
JERRY
you're fine (goes to the bathroom)
(buzzer rings)
JANE
oh how does this thing work?
JERRY
just press it
ELAINE
it's Elaine
JANE
oh come on up
JERRY
(coming out from the bathroom)
who was it?
JANE
it's Elaine
JERRY
oh..huh.. is she coming up?
JANE
YEAH
JERRY
huh.. uh.. you know your breath
is a little garlicky you better
take some gum.
JANE
OK
JERRY
Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak,
weak gum yeah
(Jane has her mouth full of gum
and can't talk now)
JANE
HMM
JERRY
have some more, take a load
JANE
isn't it too much?
JERRY
trust me.. nah it's good
JANE
smell?
JERRY
yeah stinks, terrible
(Elaine enters)
JERRY
hi Elaine
ELAINE
HI
JERRY
this is Jane Elaine
ELAINE
hi, nice to meet you finally
JANE
it's so nice to meet you (chewing)
I look forward to Saturday night
ELAINE
yeah me too
JANE
ok so I'll see you Saturday night
JERRY
Saturday night (she leaves)
(Jerry shuts the door)
ELAINE
what is with the gum?
JERRY
I know it's a big problem.. she
puts like 4 pieces in her mouth,
it's
ridiculous, I don't think we're
gonna be able to get together on
Saturday
NIGHT
ELAINE
because of the gum
JERRY
well it's too much, it's embarrassing
ELAINE
why does she have to chew so many?
JERRY
she's one of those person, always
have to be different
(on the other side of the door)
(WHISPERING)
GEORGE
she's there, I can hear her
KRAMER
alright, who's gonna tell her
GEORGE
huh you tell her
KRAMER
it was your fault
GEORGE
if you hadn't come, this whole
thing wouldn't have happen
(back on Jerry and Elaine's side,
we can hear George saying "I was
the one who
was invited", Jerry opens the door)
JERRY
WELL
ELAINE
HEY
GEORGE AND KRAMER
HEY
GEORGE
what are you doing here?
ELAINE
did you have fun
GEORGE AND KRAMER
YEAH
KRAMER
for a little while
ELAINE
where's Tony?
GEORGE
oh..
KRAMER
huh..
GEORGE
Kramer was supposed to tie a knot
KRAMER
whoa ginga, you were supposed to
tie the knot
ELAINE
did something happened?
GEORGE
Tony.. took a bit of a tumble
ELAINE
his face, did something happen
to his face?
KRAMER
well it all depends on what you
mean by.. happen
GEORGE
he..he's alive
KRAMER
YEAH
ELAINE
what happened to his face, tell
me, what happened to his face
GEORGE
you see he slipped, and he landed
on a kinda of a..
KRAMER
ROCK
GEORGE
yeah.. the ambulance got there
very quickly
KRAMER
some big rock
GEORGE
we rode along all the way to the
hospital
KRAMER
yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer
on the wall
(Elaine rushes out)
JERRY
well aside from that from that,
how did he like the sandwiches?
(TONY'S)
ELAINE
so huh, what did the doctors say?
TONY
the said huh.. they said I'm coming
along (Tony's face is covered by
bandages)
ELAINE
but what else did they say
TONY
well, they said huh Tony, try to
keep it clean
ELAINE
yeah.. no I mean did they get into
stuff like a.. long jagged scars
or.. gross
deformities, major skin grafts,
stuff like that
TONY
I really don't remember, I was
kinda out of it for the 1st couple
of days, I
was on a lot of medications, it
was kinda like haze, it's pretty
cool
ELAINE
huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated
haze, in this woozy state, um do
u
recall the words.. radical reconstructive
surgery being uttered?
TONY
I don't know, I don't know
ELAINE
think Tony, think
TONY
I'm drawing a blank, babe
(knock on door)
(Elaine gets it, it's George)
ELAINE
this isn't a very good time George
GEORGE
I just wanted to talk to Tony for
a minute (hands Elaine some stuff)
TONY
step off George, I don't wanna
see you
GEORGE
me? "step off"
ELAINE
yeah, Tony says you better step
off George
GEORGE
but..why, it wasn't my fault, I
.. you asked me a sandwich, I ..
I make such
delicious sandwiches Elaine
TONY
just beat it dude!
GEORGE
here here, Superman (hands a comic
book to Elaine, who passes it to
Tony)
please, next time it will only
be the 2 of us
TONY
there won't be any next time George
GEORGE
oh Tony don't
ELAINE
ok step off George, can u just
step off?
GEORGE
I I just.. but..
ELAINE
Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens
it back)
George wait wait
GEORGE
yes?
ELAINE
can you throw this trash out (closes
the door)
(JERRY'S)
(Jane is giving Jerry a massage)
JERRY
I've been waiting a while for this.
You know it's a shame Tony got
all banged up, we're not gonna
be able to get
together on Saturday night
JANE
that is too bad, what a shame
JERRY
yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn
shame!
JANE
well maybe he's feeling better
JERRY
yeah without a doubt, I'm down
(Kramer enters)
JERRY
oh hey how're you doing? Jane this
is my neighbor Kramer
KRAMER
HEY
JANE
hello Kramer (he acts all weird,
a la Kramer)
KRAMER
well hello Jane
JANE
Jerry told me so much about you,
I feel like I know you intimately
KRAMER
(very quickly)
oh I don't think so, no we never
met, I never talked to you before
on the
phone, alright I'll see you later
buddy
JERRY
wait, where are you going? where
are you going?
KRAMER
uptown, to the ?
JANE
oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna
split a cab?
KRAMER
what about the driver?
JANE
what are you talking about?
JERRY
alright I changed my mind, yeah
I don't think I'm not gonna go
now
JANE
well ok I'll see you later, nice
meeting you
JERRY
what's with you?
KRAMER
that's her
JERRY
who?
KRAMER
Erika, she's Erika
JERRY
oh you think she's Erika, the phone
sex woman
KRAMER
Jerry, that voice is tattooed on
my brain, I'm telling you it's
her
JERRY
oh you're crazy
KRAMER
am I? or am I so sane that you
just blew your mind?
JERRY
it's impossible
KRAMER
is it? or is it so possible your
heard is spinning like a top?
JERRY
it can't be
KRAMER
can't it? or is your entire world
just crashing down all around you?
JERRY
alright that's enough
KRAMER
yeaaaaah!
(MONK'S)
ELAINE
he's supposed to get the bandages
off on Sunday.. what if?
JERRY
what?
ELAINE
you know (acts like a monster)
JERRY
oh you're afraid he might look
like Zippy the pinhead
ELAINE
yeah I mean, I mean what is my
obligation here, you know we were
just dating,
it was probably gonna be over in
a couple of weeks anyway
JERRY
oh I though you didn't care about
his looks
ELAINE
I lied
JERRY
AHA
ELAINE
are you kidding, he's a mimbo I
know that.. but he's my mimbo,
you know even
if he is a hideous freak maybe,
maybe I can learn to love him,
maybe in some
final irony (Jerry is looking the
other way), I'll learn what love
really is.
You know Jerry
JERRY
oh I'm sorry I didn't get most
of that.. isn't that Kramer over
there?
ELAINE
yeah, yeah
JERRY
hey Kramer
KRAMER
what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's
table) it's all set
JERRY
what's all set?
KRAMER
Erika is gonna meet me here, now
we're gonna find out the truth
JERRY
how's you get her to meet here?
KRAMER
I don't know, we have a certain
chemistry
(Jane shows up and when she sees
Jerry, she walks by their table,
smiling)
JERRY
oh my god
JANE
hi I thought I'd find you here
JERRY
hello.. Erika
JANE
Erika? what are you talking about?
JERRY
how can u say things like that
over the phone?
JANE
what are you talking about?
JERRY
selling sexual pleasure over the
phone?
JANE
I sell paper goods you jerk
JERRY
paper goods?
ELAINE
excuse me, do you have a tissue?
JANE
I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's
not enough to spare
(Elaine realizes)
JANE
where's the ladies' room (Kramer
points her)
ELAINE
I have to go to the bathroom too
(runs to be ahead of Jane)
(the bathroom)
JANE
oh damn
ELAINE
something.. wrong?
JANE
yeah there's no toilet paper out
here, I usually check but would
you mind?
ELAINE
I can't, I don't have it, I don't
have a square to spare, I can't
spare a
SQUARE
JANE
wait a minute, I know you
ELAINE
that's right honey, and I know
you!
(Elaine gets out and she has 2
rolls of toilet paper)
JANE
no, no, no!!!
(she's out of the bathroom now,
very satisfied, and walks towards
Jerry and
gives him the rolls)
ELAINE: here, take it
JANE
(walks out of the bathroom, very
furious) (to Jerry)
don't call me anymore
(Jerry doesn't say anything and
waves his hands)
(Jane walks by Kramer and turns
back)
JANE
(to Kramer, in a very sensual voice)
you either
(sticks her tongue out)
(Kramer and Jerry look at each
other, with their mouth open)
THE END
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