THE STATUE
Written by
Larry Charles
(Night club)
JERRY
I have to tell you that I did some very
exciting news recently, and I don't
know if I should really tell you exactly
what it is because it's really not a
definite thing yet. Well, I will tell
you what I know so far. According to
the information that I have in the envelope
that I've received, it seems that I
may have already won some very valuable
prizes. Well, thank you, thank you very
much, well thank you. It's very nice
to hear that. But, in all honesty, I
have to say, I didn't even know I was
in this thing. But, according to the
readout, it looks like I am among the
top people that they are considering.
You know, that's what annoys me about
the sweepstakes companies, they always
tease you with that, "You may have already
won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes
company to have some guts, come out
with the truth, just tell people the
truth one time. Send out envelopes,
"You have definitely lost!" You turn
it over, giant printing, "Not even close!"
You open it up, there's this whole letter
of explanation, "Even we cannot believe
how badly you've done in this contest."
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(George is reading the paper. Kramer and Jerry both try to enter
carrying a large carton with the name Seinfeld on it)
JERRY
(Trying to get the box through the door.
To Kramer) To the right. (They get it
through)
GEORGE
That took awhile.
JERRY
(Sarcastic) Don't get up.
GEORGE
I'd like to help, but my neck..
(The set the box on the table)
GEORGE
So how long has it been in the basement?
JERRY
Since my grandfather died. I was suppose
to send it down to my parents in Florida,
but they didn't want it. They told me
to get rid of it, but I felt funny and
then I sort of forgot about it. And
it's been sitting down there for three
years.. until he saw it. (To Kramer)
Alright, so, just take what you want
and let's get it out of here.
(They open the box, and start going through it)
GEORGE
What's in it?
JERRY
Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them.
KRAMER
(Pulls out some socks) You want these?
Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks.
JERRY
No, go ahead. (Looks around his apartment)
Look at this place. I can't wait to
get it cleaned.
GEORGE
I know someone who'll do it. She's good.
She's honest.
JERRY
No, Elaine got this writer friend from
Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to
Columbia grad school, and he's suppose
to do it.
GEORGE
Students can't clean. It's anathema.
(Jerry's confused) ..They don't like
it.
JERRY
How long have you been waiting to squeeze
that into a conversation?
(Kramer pulls a statue out of the box)
KRAMER
Now this, I like.
(George's eyes light up when he sees the statue)
GEORGE
Wait a second. I can't believe this!
Let me see this.
KRAMER
(Getting possesive) Wait, wait, wait..
GEORGE
Let me just see it.
KRAMER
Come on..
(The both grab it)
GEORGE
Let me just see it for a second. Oh
my God, it's exactly the same!
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
When I was ten years old, my parents
had this very same statue on the mantle
of our apartment. Exactly. And, one
day, I grabbed it, and I was using it
as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur
Park", and I got to the part about,
"I'll never have that recipe again,"
and it slipped out of my hand and it
broke. My parents looked at me like
I smashed the ten commandments. To this
day, they bring it up. It was the single
most damaging experience in my life,
aside from seeing my father naked.
(George grips the statue, but Kramer wont let go. They start
to fight for it)
KRAMER
C'mon, George. I saw it first.
GEORGE
No, Kramer. I have to have this statue.
KRAMER
No, I got dibs!
GEORGE
What? No dibs! I need this statue. C'mon,
give it!
JERRY
(Stepping in) Spread out, spread out
you numbskulls. Why don't you just settle
it like mature adults?
KRAMER
Potato man!
GEORGE
No, no, no potato man.. Inka-dink.
(Kramer and George both visibly add up in their heads to see
who would lose if Inka-Dink was the way to go)
KRAMER
Okay.. start with me.
GEORGE
Yeah, good, good.
(Jerry begins the childish choosing game of Inka-dink, pointing
alternately between Kramer and George with every syllable)
JERRY
Inka-dink, a bottle of ink. The cork
fell out, and you stink. Not because
you're dirty, not because you're clean
- just because you kissed the girl behind
the magazine.. (He lands on Kramer,
then completes the rhyme) And you are
it! (Lands on George)
KRAMER
What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What
are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay.
He's out. I get it.
GEORGE
No, no, no, no.. I'm "it". I win.
JERRY
No, he's it. He wins. "It" is good.
KRAMER
Do over - start with him.
JERRY
No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you
got the socks.
(Kramer tosses the statue to George)
KRAMER
Alright, you can have it. Okay, I'm
gonna take the suit, and the shoes,
and the hat.
JERRY
Alright, c'mon. Let's go.
KRAMER
Hey, I'll look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.
(Hums out the theme song)
GEORGE
(In shock) I can't believe I won at
Inka-dink.
JERRY
Come on, let's go. (They go to the door.
George sets the statue down) Aren't
you gonna take it?
GEORGE
No, no, no, I don't want to carry it
around all night. I'll pick it up later.
GOERGE
(To Kramer) What about your stuff?
KRAMER
Oh, uh, well - okay. (Balls up the clothes
he just got, and throws them into his
apartment, and leaves)
JERRY
Alright, let's go. Hey, you know, you
owe me one.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
The Inka-dink.. you were "It".
GEORGE
"It"'s bad?
JERRY
"It" very bad.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
RAVA
Well, if they don't let you be my editor
on this book, I'll go to another publisher.
It's that simple.
ELAINE
You told them that?
RAVA
Of course.
ELAINE
This is so fantastic. I don't know how
to thank you.
(Jerry enters for the bedroom carrying luggage)
JERRY
(Frantic) So, where's this boyfriend
of yours? I can't wait much longer.
I've got a flight.
ELAINE
Oh, probably caught in traffic.
RAVA
(Serious) Or maybe he's dead.
JERRY
(Joking) So what do you write, children's
books?
(There's a knock at the door)
RAVA
That's Ray.
(Ray enters with cleaning gear)
RAY
Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations.
I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness
was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine,
my dear friend.. And you must be Jerry.
Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure
to serve you. (Bows)
JERRY
(Taken aback) ..Alright.
RAVA
And we have to get back to work. (She
exits with Elaine)
JERRY
(Rushed) I gotta get to the airport.
RAY
Your place shall sparkle like the stars
in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.
JERRY
The toilet brush is under the sink..
(Exits)
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
I don't really feel that comfortable
with a maid, either, because there's
that guilt when you have someone cleaning
your house. You know, you're sitting
there on your sofa, and they go by with
the vacuum, "I'm really sorry about
this. I don't know why I let that stuff
over there." And that's why I could
never be a maid, because I'd have an
attitude. I'd find them, whereever they
are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you
couldn't do this? No, don't get up,
let me clean up your filth. No, you
couldn't dust. No, this is too tough,
isn't it?"
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
He really did an amazing job, look!
He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing
liquid. (Opens refrigerator) He cleaned
out the bottom of the little egg cups.
Come here, look at this. (Gets on his
knees) He cleaned the little one-inch
area between the refrigerator and the
counter. How did he get in there? He
must be like Rubber Man!
ELAINE
There's no Rubber Man.
JERRY
..Why did I think there was a Rubber
Man? There's Elastic Man and Plastic
Man.
ELAINE
I'm leaving.
JERRY
Where are you going?
ELAINE
To Rava's house. I've gotta pick up
her manuscript.
JERRY
Wait. I'll go with you. (They both go
tward the door. Jerry opens it) Elaine,
he Windexed the little peep hole! (The
leave)
(Scene ends)
(Rava's apartment)
(Jerry, Elaine, and Rava sit in the living room)
ELAINE
(To Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman
is all set. He's the editor-in-chief!
I think because of your request..
RAVA
Demand. (The sound of locks being unlocked
can be heard) There's Ray.. late as
usual.
(Ray enters)
RAY
Well, this is an unexpected surprise
- and Delight! The once and future king
of comedy, "Jerry the First," gracing
our humble abode. Rava, we're in the
presence of royalty.
JERRY
Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous
job cleaning that apartment.
RAY
But I didn't just clean your apartment.
It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration
of life.
JERRY
(Joking about his personality) Shouldn't
you be out on a ledge somewhere?
(They all laugh - Ray laughs longer than everyone else. Jerry
savors the laughs of his big fan - then he sees George's statue
on the mantle of the fireplace. He's stunned by the sight)
RAVA
The water is boiling. Are you having
tea?
ELAINE AND RAY
Yes.
(Jerry's still stunned)
ELAINE
Jerry? ..Jerry!
JERRY
(Snaps out of it) What?
RAVA
(From the kitchen) Ray, would you give
me a hand?
RAY
Yeah, I'm coming!
(He leaves. As soon as both Rava and Ray are in the kitchen,
Jerry and Elaine start talking in loud whispers)
JERRY
(Points to the statue) I think that's
the statue from my house. That looks
like the statue from my house!
ELAINE
What statue?
JERRY
I had a statue!
ELAINE
You have a statue? I never saw a statue.
JERRY
My grandfather gave me a statue!
ELAINE
Since when?
JERRY
What's the difference?! That's the one!
He ripped me off! This guy ripped me
off!
(Ray pops his head back into the living room)
RAY
Do you take sugar?
JERRY AND ELAINE
Uhh.. no.
(Ray goes back into the kitchen)
JERRY
I can't believe it! This guy ripped
me off!
ELAINE
Do you realize what you're saying?
JERRY
Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole
that statue right out of my house!
(Ray pops in again)
RAY
Lemon?
JERRY AND ELAINE
(Causual) Uh.. sure, yeah..
(Ray goes back into the kitchen)
ELAINE
Are you sure?
JERRY
Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.
ELAINE
Ninety-nine percent sure?!
(Ray and Rava both enter, carrying a tray of tea)
RAY
Ah, sweet elixir. It's fragrant nectar
- a soothing balm for the soul.
(Jerry smells it suspiciously - like it's poisoned. A ding from
the kitchen can be heard)
RAY
The pastries!
(Ray and Rava exit in different directions)
ELAINE
Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe
it's just a coincidence.
JERRY
Coincidence? This guy's in my apartment
and then, just by coincidence, he has
the same exact statue in his apartment.
ELAINE
I never saw the statue.
JERRY
I had a statue! What should I do?
ELAINE
I don't know.
JERRY
..I'll call Kramer. He can check my
house. (Grabs the phone, and dials)
ELAINE
Oh Jerry, don't blow this for me.
JERRY
Don't worry.. (Whispering into the phone)
Kramer! Kramer!.. It's Jerry!.. Jerry!
.. from next door!.. Never mind where
I am!.. Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!.. (Rava
enters with a manuscript. Jerry starts
talking casually)
JERRY
Ma, I told ya, just dip the bread in
the batter, and put in right in the
pan. Okay, bye. (Hangs up) My mother..
She forgot how to make French Toast.
You know how mothers are.
RAVA
My mother left us when I was six years
old. All seven of us. He ever heard
from her again. I hope she's rotting
in an alley somewhere.
(A long beat passes)
JERRY
My mom's down in Florida.. she's go
one of those condos.. Hot down there
in the summer. You ever been down there?
(Ray enters with a tray of pastries)
RAY
I love these pastries. You know, in
Scandinavian mythology, the pastries
were the food of the gods.
JERRY
..Listen, I just remembered.. I'm ..uh,
getting a facial.
ELAINE
(Takes the manuscript) Oh, see you tomarrow
morning.
(They go to leave)
RAY
Oh, how about dinner?
JERRY
No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for
suckers. (They leave)
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
(On the phone) Uh huh.. yeah.. Okay,
thanks anyway. Bye. (Hangs up) Nope,
the cop says it's my word against his.
There's nothing they can do.
KRAMER
Let's go get him.
JERRY
Yeah, right.
GEORGE
We can't just let him get away with
this.
JERRY
Do you realize how crazy he had to be
to do something like this? He knew I
was gonna know it's missing, and he
took it! And of all things to take -
I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo.
He's crazy.
KRAMER
You wanta go get him?
ELAINE
Well, then, if he's crazy you should
just forget it.
GEORGE
Forget it? I already called my parents.
I told them to expect the surprise of
a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted
potatoes!
ELAINE
George, do you realize that Rava's asked
me to edit her book?
GEORGE
Who is this Rava?
KRAMER
I say we get him.
ELAINE
No!
GEORGE
Let me just call him.
JERRY
I'll call him. (Picks up the cordless
phone. Kramer, George, and Elaine all
struggle for control of the other -
so they can listen in on the conversation.
As Jerry's talking, the three others
still fight) Hello, Ray? ..Hi, Ray,
this is Rava's friend, Elaine's frined,
Jerry.. The King of Comedy.. right.
Listen, you know that statue on your
mantle, the one with the blue lady?
(To Kramer and George) Will you shut
up?! (To Ray) Yeah, you don't want to
talk about it over the phone? You don't
want Rava to hear? ..Yeah, I understand..
You know that coffee shop near my house,
Monk's? ..Alright, tomarrow. One o'
clock. Great, okay, bye. (Hangs up)
ELAINE
(Scrambling) Alright, look, look, look,
Let's say he stole it.
GEORGE
Oh, he stole it?
ELAINE
C'mon, you can't do anything about it.
The cops won't do anything. What, are
you going to fight him? Why don't you
just.. forget it?
JERRY AND GEORGE
No.
(Scene ends)
(Coffee shop)
(Jerry sits alone. In the next booth to Jerry's back, George
is sitting inconspicuously)
GEORGE
(To Jerry, without looking at him) I
thought you said one o' clock.
JERRY
Relax, he's late. He's always late.
It's part of his "M.O."
GEORGE
Remember, don't take any crap.
JERRY
Yeah, yeah.. don't worry about it.
GEORGE
I'll be right here.
(Ray enters)
JERRY
(Sarcastic) That's comforting.. Shh.
He's here. (Greeting him) Ray?
RAY
(Stands next to the table) Oh, Jerry.
I can't believe you asked me about that
statue. Do you know how much trouble
you could've got me into?
JERRY
..Well, I didn't..
RAY
Rava was standing right next to me.
I never told her where I got the statue.
GEORGE
(Muttering to himself) I wonder why.
JERRY
Well, just give it back, and I won't
say anything.
RAY
Give it back?
JERRY
Yeah.
RAY
What are you talking about?
JERRY
What are you talking about?
GEORGE
(Muttering) What is he talking about..
RAY
I'm talking about the statue.
JERRY
Yeah, me too.
RAY
Give it back to whom?
JERRY
Me.
GEORGE
(To himself) Yeah, him.
RAY
You?
JERRY
Yeah. Me.
RAY
I'm not getting this.
GEORGE
(To himself) You already got it.
JERRY
Ray, I had a statue in my house. You
were in my house - and then I saw it
in your house.
RAY
What are you saying?
JERRY
What am I saying?
GEORGE
(To himself) Take a wild guess.
RAY
Are you saying I stole your statue?
GEORGE
(To himself) What a mind.
JERRY
Well, I..
RAY
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
JERRY
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
GEORGE
(to himself) I can't believe what I'm
hearing.
RAY
For your information, I got that statue
at a pawn shop.
GEORGE
(To Himself) A pawn shop?
JERRY
A pawn shop?
RAY
Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned
cleaning people's apartments.
GEORGE
(To himself) And cleaning them out.
(Jerry elbows George - a message to shut up)
JERRY
Oh, excuse me.. Look, Ray, you were
the only person in my house.
RAY
What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't
it?
GEORGE
(To himself) Again with the Rava.
RAY
You want her.
JERRY
(Joking) No, she's a little too cheery
for me.
RAY
(Losing it) She's from Finland, for
crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!
JERRY
I know Finland. They're neutral.
RAY
Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?
JERRY
No, I actually find you quite charming..
a bit verbose at times.
GEORGE
(Mocking) "Oh, I find you so charming"
..You wuss.
JERRY
(To George) Did you call me a wuss?
RAY
What did you say?
JERRY
I said luss.. I'm at a luss..
RAY
I would just love to take you down to
the shop where I got it.
JERRY
That's not necessary. (George slams
his menu down on the table in anger)
You know, maybe it's not that bad an
idea.
RAY
And I would love to. Nothing would please
me more. But, unfortunately, the guy
retired and moved to Singapore.
GEORGE
(Muttering to himself) Singapore?! Do
you hear this?
RAY
If you really want, maybe I can contact
the guy in Singapore aand have him make
a photostat of the receipt and send
it over.
GEORGGE
That's it! That's it! I can't take it.
I can't take it anymore! (Gets up, turns
around, and confronts Ray) You stole
the statue! You're a theif! You're a
liar!
JERRY
(Pleading) George.
RAY
(To Jerry) Who is this?
GEORGE
I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And
the verdict is.. guilty!
RAY
What's going on here?
GEORGE
GUILTY!
RAY
Your friend is crazy.
GEORGE
Oh, I'm crazy!
JERRY
(Still pleading) George, george..
RAY
I've got to get going. I have a class.
GEORGE
Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let
me tell you something, pal. I called
the registrar's office. I checked you
out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas
at that school! You liar!
RAY
Well, that's because I'm registered
under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas
Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional
name.
GEORGE
You mean alias.
RAY
You are starting to make me angry.
GEORGE
Well, that was bound to happen!
RAY
(To Jerry) I hope you think about what
you've done here today.. and if you
want to call and apologize, you know
where to reach me. (Goes to leave)
JERRY
Hey, Ray.
RAY
(Stops) Yes?
JERRY
How did you get the goop out of the
top of the dishwashing liquid? It was
like a brand-new nozzle!
(Scene ends)
(Pendant publishing)
(Elaine and Rava are waiting for an elevator)
ELAINE
Nervous?
RAVA
Why should I be?
ELAINE
Yeah. Right.
RAVA
Your notes are very insightful.
ELAINE
The book is great. Did you go out last
night?
RAVA
No. We made love on the floor like two
animals. Ray is insatiable.
ELAINE
They all are..
RAVA
Was Jerry?
ELAINE
I can't remember..
(Doors open. They step in)
RAVA
You know, Ray is very upset over these
accusations.
ELAINE
Oh, well, I'm staying out of this one.
This is between them. I am not getting
involved.
(The doors close. Scene cuts to moments later, on another floor.
The doors open)
RAVA
(Annoyed) So you think he stole it?!
ELAINE
Well, you have to admit.. the circumstantial
evidence.
RAVA
I admit nothing!
(The doors close. Scene cuts to the inside of the elevator)
MAN
Will you put that cigarette out, please?
(Rava ignores him)
ELAINE
Well, I mean, he was in the apartment,
and then it's gon and it's in your apartment.
RAVA
Maybe you think we're in cahoots.
ELAINE
No, no.. but it is quite a coincidence.
RAVA
Yes, that's all, a coincidence!
ELAINE
A big coincidence.
RAVA
Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!
ELAINE
No, that's a big coincidence.
RAVA
That's what a coincidence is! There
are no small coincidences and big coincidences!
ELAINE
No, there are degrees of coincidences.
RAVA
No, there are only coincidences! ..Ask
anyone! (Enraged, she asks everone in
the elevator) Are there big coincidences
and small coincidences, or just coincidences?
(Silent) ..Well?! Well?!..
(Everyone just kinda shrugs, then murmurs. The doors open)
MAN
Will you put that cigarette out?!
RAVA
(Pointing the lit end at him) Maybe
I put it out on your face! (To Elaine)
It's just like Ray said - you and Jerry
are jealous of our love. You're trying
to destroy us.
ELAINE
Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?
(The doors close. Scene cuts to another floor. The elevator is
empty except for Elaine. There's a janitor's cart parked right
outside the doors. She steps out, then throws the manuscript
into the garbage can of the cart, and exits)
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
(On the phone) Ma, will you stop?..
It's just a statue! How is it my fault?!
..It was stolen. I didn't even touch
it this time.. Okay, fine. I don't se
why this should affect to potatoes!
Okay. Goodbye. (Hangs up) She doesn't
react to disappointement very well..
unlike me.
KRAMER
I'm not happy about this.
ELAINE
Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail
through their window?
GEORGE
There's just no justice. This experience
has changed me. It's made me more cynical,
more bitter, more jaded.
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
(Casually) Sure. Why not?
ELAINE
Well, how do you think I feel? Instead
of editing the first novel of a major
young writing talent, I am proofreading
a food allergy cookbook.
JERRY
Can't you talk to your boss?
ELAINE
I did. He loves Rava.. worse.. he loves
Ray, and he doesn't think you're funny
at all.
KRAMER
I'm not happy about this.
JERRY
Well, perhaps we can take comfort in
the knowledge that in the next world,
Ray will be the recipient of a much
larger and more harsh brand of justice..
GEORGE
Yeah.. He'll have my parents!
(Scene ends)
(Rava and Ray's apartment)
(Ray's home alone. There's a knock at the door)
KRAMER
Police! Open up!
RAY
Police? (Opens the door a crack - Kramer
barges in like a cop. He's wearing Jerry's
grandfather's suit and hat. He forces
Ray against the wall - face first)
KRAMER
Freeze, mother!
RAY
Hey..
(Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall)
KRAMER
Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em!
(Looks around) You're in big trouble
son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession
of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder.
RAY
Murder?!
(Kramer shoves him against the wall)
KRAMER
Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make
love to that wall, pervert!
RAY
I think you have me confused with somebody
else.
KRAMER
(Afraid he's got the wrong guy) Is your
name Ray?
RAY
Yeah.
KRAMER
(Assured) Yeah, you're the punk I'm
looking for. (Grabs the statue from
the mantle, and puts it in his bag)
RAY
Hey, hey, are you a cop?
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm
a damn good cop! Today's your lucky
day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you
off with a warning. Any more of this
criminal activity, and you'll be sorry.
You got me?
RAY
Got you? I don't even know what the
hell you're talking about.
KRAMER
Good. Good. Let's keep it that way.
(Exits)
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Kramer guides Jerry, Elaine, and George into the apartment)
JERRY
Alright, alright. What's the big hubbub,
bub?
(Kramer runs to his apartment, then returns with a duffel bag.
He places it on the table, and reveals the statue)
GEORGE
Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're
my hero!
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
Kramer, what did you do?
KRAMER
Well, let's put it this way: I didn't
take him to People's Court.
GEORGE
I feel like a huge weight's been lifted
off my shoulders. (Giddily) I.. I..
I feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how
to thank you!
KRAMER
Well, I'll think of something.. (Slaps
George on the back - sending the statue
crashing to the ground)
(Scene ends)
(Night club)
JERRY
People are going to steal from you.
You can't stop them. But, everybody
has their own little personal security
things - things that they think will
foil the crooks, you know? In your own
mind, right? ..You go to the beach,
go in the water, put your wallet in
the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What
criminal mind could penetrate this fortress
of security? I tied a bow. They can't
get through that. I put the wallet down
by the toe of the sneaker. They never
look there. They check the heel, they
move on.
THE END
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