THE STOCK TIP
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
(Nightclub)
JERRY
Went out to dinner the other night.
Check came at the end of the meal, as
it always does. Never liked the check
at the end of the meal system, because
money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before
you eat money has no value. And you don't care about money when
you're hungry, you sit down at a
restaurant. You're like the ruler of an empire. "More drinks,
appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of
our lives." Then after the meal, you know,
you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed,
cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes - then the check comes
at that moment. People are always upset,
you know. They're mystified by the check. "What is this? How
could this be?" They start passing it around the table, "Does
this look right to you? We're not hungry
now. Why are we buying all this food?!"
I think Superman probably has a very
good sense of humor.
GEORGE
I never heard him say anything really
funny.
JERRY
But it's common sense. He's got super
strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's
got super humor.
GEORGE
You would think that, but either you're
born with a sense of humor, or you're
not. It's not going to change even if
you go from the red sun of Krypton all
the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
JERRY
Why? Why would that one area of his
mind not be affected by the yellow sun
of Earth?
GEORGE
I don't know but he ain't funny.
(Elaine joins them, they check their watches.)
ELAINE
I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late.
JERRY
No problem.
ELAINE
I dropped a grape.
GEORGE
Pardon?
ELAINE
I dropped a grape in the kitchen and
it disappeared. I couldn't find it.
I was... I was literally on my knees
for ten minutes looking for this stupid
grape. I
have no idea where it went.
JERRY
Were you crying? I mean, it's just a
grape. You'll find it.
ELAINE
No, I'm just getting over an allergy
attack. This guy I'm going out with
-
JERRY
Robert.
ELAINE
Robert. Yes.. thank you. He has two
cats and I'm allergic to them. You know,
I finally meet a normal man, and I can't
even go into his apartment, you
know. And, of course, my apartment is the actor's studio so we
can't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know.
He won't even go away fro the
weekend because of these cats.
GEORGE
Guys with cats.. I don't know.
JERRY
I've been thinking about asking this
girl I'm, uh, seeing -
ELAINE
Vanessa.
JERRY
Vanessa, thank you.. I've been thinking
about asking her to go away for a couple
of days.
GEORGE
Oh no. No, no,no,no,no. I'd have to
advise against that. What do you know
this woman, a month? Let's see, you're
going to be with her seventy-two
hours. That's a dating decathlon.
ELAINE
(balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey,
why don't you take her to that place
in Vermont I was telling you about?
You know, that really charming place
with
the separate faucets for the hot and cold. She'll love it.
GEORGE
(To Elaine) That's exquisite. Listen,
uh, if it's not too much trouble, could
you pass me that paper over there?
(Elaine gets the paper, he starts flipping through it.)
JERRY
You better find that grape before it
mutates into another life form. (Elaine
laughs) There was once a mutant grape
that terrorized an entire town in the
Texas
panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently
it had a pit of steel.
GEORGE
(To himself) Up again?! This is incredible.
I'm.. I'm getting it.
ELAINE
You're getting what?
GEORGE
A stock.
JERRY
What stock?
GEORGE
Did you ever meet my friend, Simons?
JERRY
Maybe.
GOERGE
He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made
a fortune in the stock market. Now he's
got some new thing - you know, there's
supposed to be a big merger.
He wasn't even supposed to say anything. You guys should think
about doing this too.
JERRY
How high's it suppose to go?
GEORGE
I don't know. But Simons said that if
I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson
would tell me the exact right minute
to sell. You wanna do it?
JERRY
Boy.. I don't know.
ELAINE
I'd do it but I don't have any money.
JERRY
What kind of company is it?
GEORGE
It's Sendrax. They've got some new kind
of technique for televising opera.
ELAINE
Televising opera?
GEORGE
Some sort of electronic thingy.
JERRY
Well, how much are you going to invest?
GEORGE
(Unsure) Five thousand.. ten. Ten thousand..
Five thousand.
JERRY
Boy..
GEORGE
C'mon. Wilkinson's got millions invested
in this stock. It's gone up three points
since I've been watching it.
JERRY
What if I lose it?
GEORGE
C'mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We'll
do it together. Come on, come on. We're
in it together.
JERRY
(gives in) All right -- twenty-five
hundred.
GEORGE
That's it.
(Waitress arrives)
WAITRESS
Yeah, can I take your order?
GEORGE
(Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser.
JERRY
My bet? All right.. I'll open with a
tuna sandwich.
ELAINE
Tuna?
JERRY
Oh, the dolphin thing?
ELAINE
They're dying in the nets.
JERRY
Ooohhh.. You know, the whole concept
of lunch is based on tuna.
ELAINE
Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish
act in your daily routine?
JERRY
Hey, when I'm driving, I let people
in ahead of me all the time. I'm always
waving everybody in. "Go ahead, go ahead,
go ahead." ..Alright.. alright. I'll
have
a chicken salad.
ELAINE
And I'm going to have an English muffin
with margarine on the side and a cup
of coffee.
WAITRESS
Okay. (To George) What about you?
GEORGE
I'll have the tuna.
(Scene ends.)
(A Korean Market)
JERRY
I have to say. Those people talking
behind us really ruined that movie for
me.
VANESSA
Why didn't you do something?
JERRY
What do you want me to do? I have the
guy the half-turn. Then I have him the
full-turn with the eye roll! I mean,
beyond that, I'm risking a punch in
the
mouth.. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the
puffs?
STOCK BOY
No puffs. Just flakes.
JERRY
Have you thought any more about that
trip?
VANESSA
Yeah, I've been thinking about it.
JERRY
You know, my friend told me about this
great place in Vermont.
VANESSA
I don't know. I just worry about trips
like this.. It's a lot of pressure.
JERRY
It's great! It speeds up the intimacy
level. It's like putting the relationship
in a time compressor. Where we would
be six months from now we accomplish
(snaps) three days.
VANESSA
Oh, so you want to move our relationship
into Phase Two..?
JERRY
Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes,
increased call frequency, walking around
naked.. You know, the presents get a
lot better in Phase Two.
VANESSA
(Starting to like the idea) Really?
Could we go fishing up there?
JERRY
Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp,
marlin?
VANESSA
They have marlin in Vermont?
JERRY
Oh, big fighting marlin.
(Jerry picks up a paper)
VANESSA
Jerry, the stock is the same as when
you checked it earlier. There are no
changes after the market closes. The
stock is still down.
JERRY
I know. But this is a different paper.
I thought maybe they have, uh, different..
sources.
(Scene ends)
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry's looking at a road map; Kramer is
looking at the paper)
JERRY
Is that my paper?
KRAMER
Bad news, my friend.
JERRY
What? What news?
KRAMER
Sendrax.
JERRY
Oh, c'mon! It's down again?!
KRAMER
Two and a half points.
JERRY
Oh, I can't believe it. Let me see that.
(Looks at the paper) That's four and
a half points in three days! That's
almost half my money!
KRAMER
Hey, I told ya.
JERRY
(Sarcastic) Yeah, you told me.
KRAMER
It's all manipulated with junk bonds.
You can't win.
JERRY
(Holding the phone, calling George)
There's one thing I don't understand.
Why does it please you? (Into phone)
George Costanza, please.
KRAMER
Hey, I don't care. I'm just telling
you to (yelling) get rid of that stock,
now!
JERRY
(Into phone) George, what's going on?!
KRAMER
Sell it, just say I'm selling!
JERRY
(Into phone) Well, where is the guy?!
Nothing? Almost half my money's gone..
Well, call me right back. (Hangs up)
Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He
hasn't been home or in his office in the past three days!
KRAMER
You know, I can't believe you put your
money in that Sendrax. And you could've
invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.
JERRY
Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that
one?
KRAMER
Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've
got a very big meeting coming up.
JERRY
Okay.
KRAMER
You just (makes noise) tear it off,
and you got a new one right here. Then
you're gone.
JERRY
You're gone alright.
KRAMER
(Looking at map) Hey, where.. where
are you going? You gonna take a trip?
The map.. what..
JERRY
Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa
for a few days.
KRAMER
Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch
of friends coming over this weekend.
JERRY
What friends?
KRAMER
Well, it's just some people I met at
a rock concert.
(Phone rings)
KRAMER
Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry
give him a look) 'Cause they're really
good people, Jerry. I'm telling you.
You know, they're anarchists.
They're.. they're.. they're.. huge.
(Jerry answers phone)
JERRY
George.. what?! You're kidding.. Well,
what's wrong?.. So, what are we gonna
do?.. Great! Alright, I'll speak to
you later. (Hangs up) Wilkinson, the
guy
who's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he's in the
hospital.
(Kramer has a pleased reaction on his face)
(Scene ends)
(Dry-Cleaning store; Jerry and George are in line)
JERRY
So you don't know what's wrong with
him?
GEORGE
All Simons was able to find out is that
he's in the hospital.
JERRY
Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch
with him?
GEORGE
Of course he's been in touch with him.
He's left two messages. He just hasn't
heard back yet, that's all.
JERRY
Well, this is it. I'm selling.
GEORGE
Just give it a little more time.
JERRY
I never should've gotten involved in
this. I'm a nervous wreck. I"m not cut
out for investing.
GEORGE
Alright, alright. That's it. I'm gonna
go down there.
JERRY
Where?
GEORGE
To the hospital.
JERRY
The hospital?
GEORGE
I'm going to find out what's going on.
Alright?
JERRY
Are you nuts? You don't even know they
guy.
GEORGE
So what? I'll start talking to him,
you know, casual, and I'll work my way
around to it.
JERRY
What if he's in an iron lung or something?
What are you gonna do? (knocking on
glass) "How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson?
(makes hissing sound) By the
way, what's happening with Sendrax?"
GEORGE
Maybe he's resting.
JERRY
Who goes to the hospital to rest?
GEORGE
What are you, a doctor?
JERRY
Okay, fine, fine. When are you going
down there?
GEORGE
Today. I'm going today. Just don't do
anything until you hear from me.
JERRY
Alright.
(Jerry moves up in line, a woman takes his place. George didn't
notice)
GEORGE
(To woman, thinking she's Jerry) Boy,
I have to get to a bathroom.
(Woman gives him a look)
DRY CLEANER
May I help you?
JERRY
Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday.
It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely
no way I can wear it.
DRY CLEANER
When did you bring it in?
JERRY
What's the difference? Look at it! Do
you see the size of this shirt?!
DRY CLEANER
You got a receipt?
JERRY
I can't find the receipt.
DRY CLEANER
You should get the receipt.
JERRY
Look, forget about the receipt, all
right? Even if I had the receipt- look
at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I
gonna do with this?!
DRY CLEANER
Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?
JERRY
What do you think this is a little scam
I have? I take this tiny shirt all over
the city conning dry cleaners out of
money?! In fact, forget the money. I
don't even
want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner
admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want
an admission of guilt.
DRY CLEANER
Maybe you asked for it to be washed?
JERRY
No.. dry-cleaned.
DRY CLEANER
Let me explain to you something. Okay?
With certain types of fabrics, different
chemicals can react, causing..
JERRY
(Interrupting) You shrunk it! You know
you shrunk it! Just tell me that you
shrunk it!
DRY CLEANER
I shrunk it.
(Scene ends.)
(Night club)
JERRY
I think the only reason we go to the
dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry
cleaner, "Well, it's ruined." And of
course, the dry cleaner can respond,
"It's not
our fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That
ends our legal obligation." You see, the whole problem with dry
cleaning is that we all believe that this
is actually possible. Right? They're cleaning our clothes - but
they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. I know there's
gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids
that they're using. There's no such thing as dry cleaning. When
you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt
and try to get it off like that (brushes
shirt) - that's dry cleaning. I don't think that's what they're
doing back there. They don't have eighty guys going (with imaginary
brush) "Come on, hurry up! There's a
lot of shirts today."
(Jerry's apartment)
(Elaine sneezes)
JERRY
Bless you.
ELAINE
Thank you. What evidence is there that
cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What
do they do? Because they're clean? I
am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers
four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me
hygiene.
JERRY
So what are you gonna do?
ELAINE
I don't know. I can't think of any solution,
unless of course they should meet with
some unfortunate accident. What do you
think a hit man would charge to
rub out a couple of cats?
JERRY
Well, it couldn't be too expensive.
Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?
ELAINE
What do you think, Jerry? You wanna
make twenty-eight bucks?
JERRY
I'm no cat killer.
ELAINE
How about we go over there right now
and we shave them?
JERRY
I'd really like to go, Elaine. But,
George is coming back from the hospital.
I gotta wait for him. But otherwise
I would definitely go.
ELAINE
He actually wen to the hospital?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
Oh man, he's nuts.
JERRY
Yeah, he's nuts. You wanta bump off
a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding
a paper) I know, I know. It's down again.
KRAMER
How much are you down altogether?
JERRY
I don't know.. fifteen hundred dollars.
KRAMER
Wow.
JERRY
You don't have to say "Wow." I know
it's "Wow." And there's that smile again.
Well, what is that?
(Intercom buzzes)
JERRY
It's George. (Presses button to let
George in.)
(Elaine goes into the bathroom; kramer picks up some binoculars
and looks ou the window)
KRAMER
Oh, look at this one by the bus stop.
Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.
JERRY
I really don't need to look.
KRAMER
What a body. Yeeaahh.. that's for me.
JERRY
Yeah, and you're just what she's looking
for too - a stranger leering through
a pair of binoculars ten floors up.
KRAMER
I'm gonna go down there and try and
talk to her. (leaves)
(Enter George; he flops onto the couch)
JERRY
What? What? Did you go down there? (George
nods) Did he tell you what's gonna happen?
(George shakes his head "no".) How long
were you there?
GEORGE
Fifteen seconds.
JERRY
You told him you knew Simons?
GEORGE
Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing
I know - I'm in the parking lot. Perhaps
they had some sort of a falling out.
I'll tell you one thing.. I don't know
what he's got. But for a sick guy, he's very strong.
(Elaine exits bathroom)
JERRY
Well, that's it. Look, I'm going to
Vermont. I don't want to think about
this. I'm selling.
ELAINE
Didn't work, huh?
GEORGE
(Laughs) Not quite.
ELAINE
Well, what are you gonna do about the
stock?
GEORGE
I'm keeping it. I'm going down with
the ship.
(Scene ends.)
(Country Inn)
JERRY
So I know this guy. I'm getting all
my sneakers at a discount now.
VANESSA
I know. You mentioned it.
JERRY
Oh yeah, right. (To himself) Oh God.
Get me out of here. What a mistake.
What made me think this would work?
And I've still got another day! I've
got
nothing left to say. Wait.. wait.. got one. (To Vanessa) That's
a nice watch. Do you wind it?
VANESSA
No, it's got a little battery.
JERRY
Well, that's good. (To himself) Well,
the drive home should be a delight.
I'm speeding the whole way. Let them
throw me in jail. I don't care. (To
Vanessa)
That' the manager? Do you wnat me to see if we can get another
room?
VANESSA
No, it's okay.
JERRY
So, I guess you don't find the separate
faucets for the hot and cold - charming?
VANESSA
Not especially.
JERRY
Well, what do you wnat to do this afternoon?
VANESSA
What can we do? It's raining.
JERRY
We cold play "Sorry!" We cold play "Steal
the Old Man's Bundle." (To himself)
Maybe I can get an extension cord and
hang myself. (To Vanessa) What
kind of perfume is that you're wearing?
VANESSA
Oh, you've never heard of it.
JERRY
No, what? What kind is it?
VANESSA
I can't tell you.
JERRY
(To himself) Yeah, that's normal. (Out
loud, to a man nearby) Excuse me, Sir.
Could I have a look at that business
section?
VANESSA
That stock? I thought you got out of
that?
JERRY
I did. I'm just curious. It's been almost
a week. I want to check it out. (finds
stock) Six points. It's up six points!
VANESSA
I told you not to sell.
JERRY
You did not tell me not to sell.
VANESSA
I said, the market fluctuates. Remember?
JERRY
Look, Vanessa, of course the market
fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I
just got fluctuated out of four thousand
dollars!
VANESSA
That's probably why.. (stops herself)
JERRY
What?
VANESSA
Forget it.
JERRY
No, what? 'That's probably why..'
VANESSA
That's probably why we're staying here,
because you lost money on the stock.
JERRY
(To himself) So, what am I looking at
here? Twenty=nine hours to go. Well,
at least I got plenty of time to find
out the name of that purfume..
(Scene ends.)
(Coffee shop)
GEORGE
Have something else. C'mon, have a little
dessert?
JERRY
I'm good, thanks.
GEORGE
Elaine, get something! It's all taken
care of.
ELAINE
I'm kinda full.
GEORGE
So don't finish it.
JERRY
(acidly) She's full. (George puts up
his hands in an "excuse me" gesture.)
So, Big daddy. I'm just curious. How
much did you clear on your little trasaction
there? All told?
GEORGE
I don't like to discuss figures.
JERRY
How much?
GEORGE
I don't know, what? Eight thousand.
It's a Hyundai. Get out of here.. I
told you not to sell. Simons made money,
Wilkinson cleaned up.
JERRY
So, Wilkinson's out of the hospital
now?
GEORGE
No. You'd be surprised. You don't recover
that quickly from a nose job.
(Elaine sneezes)
JERRY
Is taht still from the cats?
ELAINE
No, I just have a cold.
JERRY
So, what ever happened with that?
ELAINE
I gave him an ultimatum. (Shrugs)
GEORGE
He chose the cats?
ELAINE
They're very clean animals.
JERRY
I gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing
out to a cat.
ELAINE
Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.
GEORGE
I told you those trips were relationship
killers. Too bad you can't get your
buddy Superman to fly around the Earth
at super speed and reverse time.
You'd get all the money back - you could have avoided the whole
trip to Vermont.
ELAINE
Superman can go back in time?
JERRY
We went over that.
GEORGE
Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one..
Petramco Corp. Out of, hu, Springfield.
I think. They're about to introduce
some sort of robot butcher.
JERRY
A robot butcher?
GOERGE
Shhhhh. If you want to get in - there's
very little time. (Calling to waitress)
Sweetheart.. (Waitress tears of check,
George stops her) No, no, no. That'
ought to coever it. (He hands her some money, she turns to leave,
George stops her) Just a second.. Just a.. let me.. (looks at
the check, then take some money out
of her hand.) (Urging Jerry and Elaine to eat) Come on, come
on, come on..
(Scene ends.)
(Night club)
JERRY
I'm not an investor. People always tell
me, you should have your money working
for you. I've decided I'll do the work.
I'm gonna let the money relax. You
know what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there - working
for you - a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, "What
happened? I had my money. It
was here, it was working for me." "Yeah, I remember your money.
Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go."
THE END
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