THE STRANDED
Written by
Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Matt Goldman
(Comedy club)
So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold
medication. You
ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall.
It's an
entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going,
"Alright,
alright, alright, okay, what the hell-- This is quick acting,
but this is long
lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?" It's a
tough question.
And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show
you what's wrong
with the guy, you know? They always show you, like, all the
problems that he's
having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which
is usually this
guy. No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the
public. And he's
always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are
going through him
or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning
is attacking him.
I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes
I am." "Are
you having any lightning with the pain?"
First scene.
Jerry and George are in a drug store.
JERRY
How did you get fleas?
GEORGE
Because my cousin's imbecile dog was
rolling around outside and they
got in his carpet.
JERRY
Maybe you can get yourself a little
bowtie flea collar.
GEORGE
That's not funny. So, are you coming
to the party?
JERRY
I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far
out, it smacks of desperation. The
whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all
the way out from
Manhattan for this?"
GEORGE
You know Ava's gonna be there.
JERRY
Who?
GEORGE
The nice one that works in my office.
JERRY
Nah.
GEORGE
I'll drive.
JERRY
Oh, well, now you're talking.
GEORGE
It's supposed to be a good party.
JERRY
What does that mean, good dip?
GEORGE
No, there'll be girls there.
JERRY
There's girls everywhere. I go out
of my apartment, there's girls in
the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?
GEORGE
There's a hundred different things here.
What's the difference between
these two? (They each grab a box and check the ingredients)
You got
propylparabin?
JERRY
Got it.
GEORGE
You got isobutane-30?
JERRY
I got isobutane-20.
GEORGE
A-ha.
JERRY
You got sorbitant sesquioliate?
GEORGE
Got it.
JERRY
I have aloe!
GEORGE
You got aloe? I love aloe.
JERRY
Where do they make yours?
GEORGE
Jersey.
JERRY
White Plains.
George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains"
box from Jerry
and they go to the check out counter. Two women are standing
at the magazine
rack in the background.
JERRY
Girls. There's girls right here in
the store. Look, look, there's one
over there. Look, there's another one. Soon as I walk outside
there'll be
girls out there. What's the matter?
GEORGE
I gave her a twenty, she only gave me
change for a ten.
JERRY
Are you sure? Oh boy, here we go.
GEORGE
Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar
bill and you
only actually gave me change for a ten.
CASHIER
You gave me a ten.
GEORGE
I'm positive I gave you a twenty.
CASHIER
I know what you gave me.
GEORGE
You owe me ten dollars.
CASHIER
Will you please step aside? Next?
GEORGE
Alright, let's just examine the situation
for a second. Who, in this
situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had
access to my
wallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you--
CASHIER
You.
GEORGE
No, no, no, see you're not really listening.
SECURITY GUARD
What's the problem here?
GEORGE
No problem. There's no problem. She
just owes me ten dollars, that's
all.
CASHIER
He's claiming short.
SECURITY GUARD
Alright, let's just take it outside.
GEORGE
Oh, so you don't believe me either?
SECURITY GUARD
Come on, let's go.
GEORGE
You haven't won. You may think you've
won, but you haven't won. Do
you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting
what's
happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back.
Alright, don't
worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be
back.
New scene.
George, Elaine and Jerry enter The Party and stand by the door
.
ELAINE
Well don't stand here, let's walk in,
blend in, blend in.
JERRY
No, let's survey first. Camp here.
GEORGE
Eva.
A beautiful woman starts walking over.
JERRY
What could possess anyone to throw a
party? I mean, to have a bunch of
strangers treat your house like a hotel room.
AVA
So, guess who just sold 129 West 81st.
GEORGE
Oh no you didn't. Get out, when?
AVA
Yesterday
GEORGE
I don't believe it.
AVA
Ask Mark.
GEORGE
Mark, is this true?
A man across the room nods. George and Ava walk towards him.
JERRY
Yeah, this has got disaster written
all over it.
ELAINE
How did I ever let you talk me into
this, I must have been out of my
mind.
JERRY
Now listen, let's keep an eye on each
other tonight. In case one of us
gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're
in trouble so
the other one can get us out of it.
ELAINE
How old are you?
JERRY
Thirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout
this? Chicken wing? No, no,
no, I got a better one. Head patting.
ELAINE
Whatever you want.
Fast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger.
GUY
You came all the way out from Manhattan
for this?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah I did.
GUY
So what do you do?
JERRY
I'm a comedian.
GUY
Are you? Lemme ask you something.
Where do you get your material?
JERRY
I hear a voice.
GUY
What kind of voice?
JERRY
A man's voice, but he speaks in German
so I have to get a translator.
GUY
How come you keep tapping your head.
JERRY
It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.
Cut to Elaine, engaged in a conversation with another guy and
patting her head.
GUY
On the other hand, you take a guy like
George Washington Carver. The man
devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much
passion for
something.
Cut back to Jerry and his 'guy'.
GUY
Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny
guy.
Cut back to Elaine and her 'guy'. She's still tapping madly.
GUY
I've often wondered if he ever worked
with the pecan.
ELAINE
Yeah, me too.
GUY
Now is that considered a nut, because
I know the cashew is a legume.
Cut to George, now talking with Jerry.
GEORGE
How's it going?
JERRY
Great, how about you?
GEORGE
I can't believe what's happening here.
She hasn't taken her hands off
me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but
that was it.
JERRY
How do you account for this?
GEORGE
I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her
head.
JERRY
Well, she obviously liked you all along.
GEORGE
No, I would have picked up on it. I
can always tell when a woman likes
me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture
me, I
wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I
don't like them,
then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking
at me, he must
have something going for him."
JERRY
Anyway, I'm ready to go.
GEORGE
Now?
JERRY
If not now, when?
GEORGE
Gimme a half-hour.
JERRY
Okay, half-hour.
Cut to Elaine and the 'peanut guy'. By now, she's weary from
tapping.
GUY
Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut
oil...
JERRY
Can I talk to you for a second?
ELAINE
Oh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with
Jerry) What have you been doing,
I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental
patient.
JERRY
Hey, I was dying over there.
ELAINE
This guy's going off on the peanut.
Now pay attention.
Fast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry.
ELLEN
Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club.
You talk about a lot of every
day things, right?
JERRY
Right.
ELLEN
Yeah, I remember you.
Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting
on the couch
near a pretentious woman.
WOMAN
I wonder what happened to my fiancé.
I know he's here somewhere.
Ellen? Have you seen my fiancé?
ELLEN
He's upstairs.
WOMAN
Are you going upstairs? Tell my fiancé
I'm looking for him. I have
lost my fiancé, the poor baby.
ELAINE
Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
WOMAN
What?
ELAINE
The dingo ate your baby!
Cut to George and Jerry.
JERRY
You ready?
GEORGE
Listen, I have a tremendous favor to
ask.
JERRY
I do favors.
GEORGE
I think something's happening here.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I think she wants me to take her home.
JERRY
Wow.
GEORGE
What should I do?
JERRY
Go! What could you do?
GEORGE
What about you and Elaine?
JERRY
We'll get a ride.
GEORGE
Are you sure?
JERRY
We'll be fine, what did she say?
GEORGE
She told me she wants-- (Pauses until
a woman coming down the stairs
passes) She told me she wants me to make love to her.
JERRY
What? She said that?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Get out of here.
GEORGE
I swear.
JERRY
What did you say?
GEORGE
I, I, I can't.
JERRY
What did you say?
GEORGE
Please, it's--
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
I... I... I long for you.
JERRY
I long for you?
GEORGE
I was so shocked I was lucky I said
anything.
JERRY
It's okay, that's not bad.
GEORGE
I don't like when a woman says, 'Make
love to me', it's intimidating.
The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing
to her.
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
That's a lot of pressure. Make love
to me. What am I, in the circus?
What if I can't deliver?
JERRY
Oh, come on.
GEORGE
I can't perform under pressure. That's
why I never play anything for
money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my
office, can you
imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe
I should
cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.
JERRY
George, you're thinking too much.
GEORGE
I know, I know, I can't stop it!
Cut to Elaine, talking with yet another guy on the couch.
ELAINE
Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts
for Pendant Publishing.
JERRY
Pendant? Those bastards.
ELAINE
Excuse me.
JERRY
Listen, George is going home with this
Ava from his office
ELAINE
Really? Huh. What a world. So we
can go now?
JERRY
Uh, no, he's taking the car.
ELAINE
Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?
JERRY
I don't know.
ELAINE
You don't know?
JERRY
Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.
ELAINE
Oh great, oh, this is great. How could
you let him take the car?
JERRY
There's nothing I could do, it's part
of the code.
Mid-episode monologue
All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly
have an
opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never
met each other
ever in life. This is the male code. And it doesn't matter
how important the
arrangements are, I mean, most of the time when they scrub a
space shuttle
mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his
way to the launch
pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket
talking to her,
"So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for
some Tang?"
ELAINE
Oh look at that. Look at what she's
wearing.
You see what she's wearing?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, alright.
ELAINE
I can't believe she's walking around
in that.
JERRY
Just don't make a scene.
ELAINE
Hey, is that real fur?
JERRY
Oh boy.
EVA
It better be or my ex-husband owes me
an explanation.
GEORGE
Yeah, good night.
ELAINE
You don't care that innocent defenseless
animals are being tortured so
that you can look good?
GEORGE
Could we talk about this some other
time?
AVA
Are you a vegetarian?
JERRY
Here we go.
ELAINE
Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
AVA
So you're a hypocrite.
GEORGE
Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.
Anyway-
AVA
Well, talk to me when you stop eating
fish.
ELAINE
Fish don't feel any pain.
AVA
How do you know? Do you communicate
with fish?
ELAINE
Well, they're not kept in little cages.
AVA
Ever seen a goldfish?
GEORGE
Goldfish.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're
not unhappy.
AVA
Oh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl
for two weeks and get flushed down
the toilet, that's a good life. (To George) Let's go.
ELAINE
Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go
ahead, maybe you can run over a
squirrel!
GEORGE
That's why we're here in America.
JERRY
You're beautiful.
ELAINE
Call Kramer.
JERRY
Alright. (Approaches host) Excuse me,
this is your party, right?
STEVE
No, I just live here.
JERRY
Can I use your phone?
STEVE
What's in it for me?
JERRY
A bigger bill?
STEVE
He he, go for it.
Jerry picks up the phone and dials.
JERRY
Krame? Sein. What are you doing?
Well, I'm stuck out here on Long
Island. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure?
Okay, but don't
leave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions.
Cut to several hours later. The party has ended. The hosts,
Steve and Jenny,
are cleaning up, Elaine and Jerry are still there.
ELAINE
You sure you don't need any help?
JENNY
No, not really.
JERRY
I'm sure he'll be here any minute.
JENNY
I want them out of here.
ELAINE
Call him again.
JERRY
I called, what should I do? (To Jenny)
We really appreciate this.
JENNY
It's two o'clock in the morning.
JERRY
Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw
some of that show, it was wonderful.
ELAINE
Six hundred and twenty million people
died.
JERRY
Thousand.
ELAINE
Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand.
The horror, the horror.
(To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure
you gave him the
right directions?
JERRY
Yes. (To Jenny) You're sure there's
nothing we can do?
JENNY
No! (To Steve) I am not going to bed
with them in out house, this is
ridiculous.
JERRY
You know a friend of my father's used
to live right around here. Mike
Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could
bend them.
ELAINE
Have you noticed, people don't use straws
as much as they used to for
some reason.
JENNY
You know, it doesn't look as if your
friend is coming.
JERRY
Oh, he's coming.
JENNY
Maybe you should take a look at a train
schedule.
Jenny sees a figure outside the kitchen window and screams.
JERRY
That's him.
JENNY
I'm going to bed!
ELAINE
Thanks a lot.
JERRY
Thanks, great party.
As Jenny storms up the stairs there's a knock at the door, Steve
answers.
KRAMER
Hey, how ya doing?
STEVE
Ah, look who's here.
KRAMER
I'm sorry.
JERRY
Hey, it's okay.
KRAMER
I had the directions on the seat right
next to me, they flew out the
window.
ELAINE
Then how did you find the place?
KRAMER
Well I knew the exit on the Long Island
Expressway, and I thought that
the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around
knocking on
everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837,
whoo.
Finally, I hit it. 8173.
JERRY
Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us
stay here, Steve, I really owe you
one.
STEVE
No problem.
JERRY
And if you're ever in the city, you
know, you want to come to a comedy
club, whatever.
STEVE
Hey, I might take you up on that.
JERRY
Here's my address and number. And really,
thanks again.
KRAMER
You better zip up. I couldn't get the
top on the
convertible up.
ELAINE
But it's cold out.
KRAMER
Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.
New scene.
Jerry's at his apartment, talking on the phone.
JERRY
George, I've been sick all week. Elaine
was too. Eighty miles an hour,
forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah,
maybe I will
get out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first.
Okay, meet me down
there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's.
Okay bye.
Jerry hangs up and grabs his coat and there's a knock at the
door.
JERRY
Who is it?
VOICE
Mr. Pocatello.
JERRY
Who?
VOICE
You mean you don't recognize my voice?
Jerry opens the door. Steve steps in.
STEVE
Jerry, baby!
JERRY
Do I know you?
STEVE
Boy this comedy's really frying your
brain.
JERRY
I'm sorry, uh-
STEVE
See, this is the kind of lasting impression
I make on people.
JERRY
Oh, okay.
STEVE
You said if I was ever in the city,
I'm in the city.
JERRY
You certainly are. What's going on?
STEVE
I'm just waiting for a lift back to
the island, he won't be ready until
eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see
what it was like
to hang out with someone in show business.
JERRY
Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just
on my way out to meet a friend.
STEVE
Oh, come on, you can come up with something
better than that.
JERRY
No, really, I just got off the phone
with him.
STEVE
I understand.
JERRY
Look, you can hang out here if you want.
STEVE
Don't be so enthusiastic.
JERRY
No, it's-
STEVE
I'm not gonna steal anything.
JERRY
No, of course not, just close the door
when you leave.
STEVE
I think I can do that.
JERRY
Really, I'm sorry. Maybe another time.
STEVE
Yeah. Let's have lunch.
New scene.
Jerry and George are at the drug store.
JERRY
They guy's in my house right now. What
a mistake that party was, I
never should have gone.
GEORGE
Yeah, me either.
JERRY
Oh, come on.
GEORGE
What come on? Have you ever dated a
woman that worked in your office?
JERRY
I've never had a job.
GEORGE
You know the anxiety you feel on a date?
That's what I have every day
now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.
JERRY
That's one of Dante's nine stages of
hell, isn't it?
GEORGE
Ava was one of the reasons I used to
like going to work, she was a
friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how
to talk to her.
Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan
little patter.
I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office
and analyze
how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the
bathroom for the
rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people,
they're all
so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to
go back there
again.'
JERRY
What are you gonna do?
GEORGE
I have no choice, I'm quitting.
Cut back to Steve sitting alone on Jerry's couch watching TV.
Kramer walks in
and it takes a moment for him to recognize the visitor.
KRAMER
The party, Long Island?
STEVE
Kramer, right?
KRAMER
Hey, what are you doing here?
STEVE
I'm waiting for my ride.
KRAMER
Where's Jerry?
STEVE
He split. Let me ask you something.
Is there anything to drink in here
or is that, like, a stupid question?
KRAMER
Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything.
(Sensing Steve's
disappointment) Well, but I might have something.
Cut back to Jerry and George at the drugstore. Jerry is selecting
medication.
JERRY
Alright, I'm gonna get this. This looks
good.
GEORGE
How much is that?
JERRY
Nine sixty.
GEORGE
Nine sixty? Give it to me.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
Don't worry, I got it.
JERRY
What do you mean, you got it?
GEORGE
I got it.
George takes the box and begins to place it in his jacket.
JERRY
Since when are you treating me to medicine?
What are you doing? You're
stealing this, aren't you?
GEORGE
I'm not stealing it. They owe me ten
dollars. They stole from me.
JERRY
You're a lunatic.
GEORGE
I have to do this, it's a matter of
honor.
JERRY
What do you say to a person like you?
GEORGE
Just walk.
JERRY
Oh.
A security guard approaches George.
SECURITY GUARD
Scuse me. What do you got there?
GEORGE
What?
SECURITY GUARD
What do you got in your shirt?
GEORGE
Oh, I was gonna pay for this.
SECURITY GUARD
Come with me.
GEORGE
Where are you taking me? I was gonna
pay for it.
CASHIER
um-hmm.
SECURITY GUARD
You don't think I remember you?
GEORGE
What are you talking about?
SECURITY GUARD
I know who you are, I was watching you.
GEORGE
What are you gonna do? Are you gonna
call the police?
The Security Guard drags George away and Jerry steps to the counter.
JERRY
Can I still buy this or is this evidence
now?
Cut back to Kramer and Steve, they're obviously tanked. Kramer
is in the middle
of a story.
KRAMER
So, I'm chasing these doves down the
street and she's screaming at the
top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from
Europe, two of them
turned brown! Well I followed the instructions!
They both erupt in raucous laughter.
STEVE
Ah, they turned brown!! Brown!! (the
laughter winds down)
So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call?
KRAMER
Not really.
STEVE
Maybe we should call one of those escort
services. I saw one of them
advertised before on the cable station.
Kramer (handing Steve the phone) 555-LOVE.
STEVE
Hey, you want in on this?
KRAMER
No, I got a girl in the next building
New scene.
Jerry is outside his apartment door, as he puts in the key, he
hears a woman's
voice from inside.
VOICE
Now I want my money, mister, and I ain't
leaving until I get it. Now I
am through playing games with you, I got things to do.
STEVE
Oh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's here,
it's Jerry
JERRY
What the hell?
STEVE
Jerry, this is Patti.
JERRY
Nice to meet you.
PATTI
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance,
I'm sure.
JERRY
What the hell is going on here?
STEVE
I don't know, but I gotta do this more
often. (The buzzer goes off)
Ooh, there's my ride, finally.
PATTI
I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get
the rest of my money.
STEVE
See ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks
and I'll call him tomorrow.
JERRY
Oh, Kramer huh?
STEVE
Yeah, he's a hoot. Oh, goodbye, my
dear. (trying to kiss Patti's hand
as she pulls it away) Ouch. (To Jerry) Weekend of the 26th,
come on out,
we're having another party.
Steve walks out, leaving the front door open.
PATTI
I ain't leaving.
JERRY
Patti?
PATTI
You got anything to drink?
JERRY
Alright, how much does he owe you?
PATTI
Fifty dollars.
JERRY
Fifty dollars.
In mid-payment, a police officer walks through the open door.
COP
This your apartment?
JERRY
Yeah, but--
COP
You're under arrest for solicitation
of prostitution.
JERRY
Wait a second, I--
Elaine walks in.
ELAINE
I brought you chicken soup. (To Patti)
Is that real fur?
JERRY
Oh boy.
New scene.
Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment, watching TV and eating
pizza.
GEORGE
You had Sgt. Chadway? Me too.
JERRY
He was a nice guy.
GEORGE
Oh, great guy.
JERRY
Was there a red-headed guy there?
GEORGE
The one with the long sideburns?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Where does he come off?
JERRY
Yeah, I know. There's no call for that
kind of attitude.
GEORGE
One of the guys in my cell threw a piece
of gum at him.
JERRY
Oh, we all hated him.
(Comedy club)
There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor.
You can measure
the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after
they ask you to 'do
me a favor.' Small favor, small pause. Can you do me a favor,
hand me that
pencil? No pause at all. Big favors are, 'Could you do me a
favor...' (huge
pause, followed by closing credits.)
THE END
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