THE STRIKE
Written by
Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & Dan O'Keefe
(Tim Whatley's apartment)
ELAINE
So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?
JERRY
Oh, sure. Without the parents, it's
a breeze.
(Elaine laughs, Whatley enters)
TIM
Hey! Happy Chanukah!
JERRY
Hey, Tim. Great party.
(Tim holds up a mistletoe)
TIM
(Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh?
ELAINE
(Shrugging it off) eh.
TIM
(Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey,
George, thanks again for getting me
those Yankee tickets.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground
crew. (Laghs)
TIM
(Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey,
listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving
over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany!
(they both move off camera)
ELAINE
This place is like Studio 54 with a
menorah.
GEORGE
I'm gonna get some more of these kosher
cocktail franks.. (leaves)
ELAINE
Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got
denim vest checking me out. (laughs)
Fake phone number's coming out tonight.
JERRY
You have a standard fake?
ELAINE
Mm-hmm.
JERRY
(Notices an attractive woman walking
by, starts to follow her) That's neat.
ELAINE
(Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please!
Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry!
God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp,
moves over to the woman. The man
wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)
DENIM VEST
Hi!
(Scene cuts to Jerry talking to the woman)
JERRY
Hi, I'm Jerry.
WOMAN
Hi. JERRY: You might not know it to
look at me, but I can run really, really
fast.
(Scene cuts to Elaine)
ELAINE
Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons
DENIM VEST
They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should,
uh, go out some time?
ELAINE
Why don't I give you my phone number?
(Scene ends)
Coffee Shop)
(George enters)
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?
GEORGE
Great! I ate the entire platter! Had
to call in sick today.
JERRY
Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
GEORGE
Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing:
"We don't care, and it shows."
JERRY
(Notices George brought hhis mail) You're
gonna open your mail here?
GEORGE
Hey, at least I'm bringing something
to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes,
reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks
it aside) Nope. (looks at next
envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.
JERRY
See? You give, and you get.
GEORGE
(Reading the card from Whatley) "This
holiday season a donation has been made
in your name to the Children's Alliance."?
JERRY
Oh, that's nice.
GEORGE
I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me
a piece of paper saying "I've given
your gift to someone else!"
JERRY
To a children's charity!
GEORGE
Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's
your Christmas spirit? And eye for an
eye!
(Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Hey!
JERRY
Hey.
(Waitress moves tward the table)
ELAINE
(To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress
leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.
JERRY
"Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?
ELAINE
I got a card, and they stamp it every
time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become
a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.
JERRY
What does that mean?
ELAINE
(Embarrassed) Free sub.
(George lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card)
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
Nothing. It's a card from my dad.
ELAINE
What is it? (Grabs the card from George,
he tries to stop her, but fails. She
reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy
Festivus." What is Festivus?
GEORGE
It's nothing, stop it..
JERRY
When George was growing up..
GEORGE
(Interrupting) Jerry, No!
JERRY
His father..
GEORGE
No!
JERRY
Hated all the commercial and religious
aspects of Christmas, so he made up
his own holiday.
ELAINE
Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle
falls into place.
GEORGE
(pleading) Alright..
JERRY
And instead of a tree, didn't your father
put up an aluminum pole?
(Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably - and continues to do
so)
GEORGE
Jerry! Stop it!
JERRY
And weren't there a feats of strength
that always ended up with you crying?
(Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter)
GEORGE
I can't take it anymore! I'm going to
work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his
things, and runs out of the coffee shop.
Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)
(Scene ends)
Jerry's apartment)
(Elaine is digging into her purse)
ELAINE
Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my
"Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I
wrote that fake number on the back of
it when I gave it to denim vest!
JERRY
So?
ELAINE
I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need
1 more! It's like a long, bad movie,
but you want to see the end of it!
JERRY
No, you walk out.
ELAINE
Alright, then, it's like a boring book,
but you gotta finish it.
JERRY
No, you wait for the movie!
ELAINE
(Irritated, and through clinched teeth)
I want that free sub.
JERRY
You don't need the card. High-end hoagie
outfit like that, it's all computerized!
(Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.
KRAMER
(Correcting) No, they're not cloning
sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry
Blackstone do that trick with two goats
and a handkerchief on the old Dean
Martin show!
JERRY
So, why don't you just try your blow-off
number and see if he's called it?
ELAINE
That's a good idea.
(Kramer's cordless phone rings, startling him. He digs through
his coat, and pulls it out of the pocket)
KRAMER
(Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really?
Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great
news! Yeah, the strike has been settled.
I'm going back to work.
JERRY
What strike?
KRAMER
Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.
JERRY
You?
ELAINE
Worked?
JERRY
Bagels?
KRAMER
Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business
card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine)
Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.
ELAINE
Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing
out there, but I haven't seen them in
a long time.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use
their bath room while we were picketing.
It put a cramp on our solidarity.
ELAINE
What were your.. demands?
KRAMER
Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what
they're paying now.
ELAINE
I believe that's the new minimum wage.
KRAMER
Now you know who to thank for that!..
Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for
the door)
JERRY
Why didn't you ever mention this?
KRAMER
Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was
out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves)
(Scene ends)
H&H Bagel Shop)
(Kramer walks through the door)
KRAMER
All right, everybody! I'm back!
MANAGER
Who are you?
KRAMER
Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over.
MANAGER
Oh yeah! Kramer.
KRAMER
Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come
back?
MANAGER
NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like,
ten years ago.
KRAMER
Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was
all for..
MANAGER
I could use someone for the holidays..
KRAMER
Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel!
(Takes off his coat, puts it in the
display case, then turns to see a plate
full of bagels.) What are those?
MANAGER
Those are rasin bagels.
KRAMER
(Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never
thought I'd live to see that..
(Scene ends)
Horse Track Betting)
(Elaine confronts two unattractive bookies)
ELAINE
So, anyway, I've been giving out your
number as my standard fake.
BOOKIE
So. You're Elaine Benes. We've been
getting calls fro you for 5 years.
ELAINE
So, listen, when this guy calls, if
you could just give him my real number..
BOOKIE
(Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's
here. Elaine Benes.
(Co-Worker in the back speaks up)
CHARLIE
Elaine Benes?!
(Various other men in the line behind Elaine say the same thing)
BOOKIE
You make a lot of man friends. You know
who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man.
You know who else? Me. I'm a man.
CHARLIE
(faintly) I'm a man.
ELAINE
Ohh.. my..
BOOKIE
I'll have this best guy call your real
number. You just, uh, give it to me.
And that way, I'll have it. (Slides
a pad over to Elaine so she can write
it down)
ELAINE
My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's
business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there
you go. (writes H&H's number down) And,
uh, tell you what.. (looks at the
board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third
at Belmont.
(Scene ends)
classy restaurant)
(Jerry and Tim Whatley meet)
TIM
Hey, Jerry.
JERRY
Hey, Tim.
TIM
What's up?
JERRY
Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl
I met at your party.
TIM
Mazel Tov.
(Jerry's date, Gwen, arrives. She's completely unattractive)
GWEN
Jerry.. hi.
JERRY
Gwen?
GWEN
Yeah.
JERRY
(Not willing to believe how much uglier
she is) Really?
GWEN
Yeah! Come on, our table is ready.
(Tim gives Jerry a face - almost like he feels sorry for Jerry)
(Scene ends)
Jerry's apartment)
GEORGE
So, attractive one day - not attractive
the next?
JERRY
Have you come across this?
GEORGE
Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome
-- she's a two-face.
JERRY
(Relating) Like the Batman villain?
GEORGE
(Annoyed) If that helps you..
JERRY
So, if I ask her out again - I don't
know who's showing up: The good, the
bad, or the ugly.
GEORGE
(Identifying what Jerry said) Clint
Eastwood!
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Hey, check this out. I gotta give out
Christmas presents to everyone down
at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley.
(Give a Christmas card to Jerry)
JERRY
(Reading it) "A donation has been made
in your name to the Human Fund." - What
is that?
GEORGE
(With pride) Made it up.
JERRY
(Continuing reading) "The Human Fund.
Money for people."
GEORGE
What do you think?
JERRY
It has a certain understated stupidity.
GEORGE
(Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw
of Josey Whales!
JERRY
..Yeah.
(Enter Kramer)
(He is holding a sack full of bagels)
KRAMER
Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!
JERRY
How was your first day?
KRAMER
Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both
pick out a bagel) It felt so good to
get my hands back in taht dough.
(Jerry and George stop before they take a bite from their bagels)
JERRY
Your hands were in the dough?
KRAMER
No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry
and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're
day-olds. The homeless won't even touch
them. (Jerry and George
stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones
on top, but they dig.. they, they test.
(George spits his bagel out)
GEORGE
Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here.
(Gets up to leave)
JERRY
Happy Festivus!
KRAMER
What's Festivus?
JERRY
When George was growing up..
GEORGE
(Interrupting) No!
JERRY
His father..
GEORGE
Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid
holiday my father invented. It doesn't
exist!
(Elaine enters while George is exiting)
ELAINE
Happy Festivus, Georgie.
(George leaves yelling out "God!")
KRAMER
Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!
ELAINE
Kramer, listen, I got a little phone
relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H
and he's looking for me, you take a
message.
JERRY
You're still trying to gget that free
sub?
ELAINE
Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and
I have eaten a lot of crap to get to
where I am today. And I am NOT throwing
it all away now.
JERRY
Is there a captain's hat involved in
this?
ELAINE
Maybe.
(Scene ends)
H&H Bagel Shop)
FRANK
Kramer, I got your message. I haven't
celebrated Festivus in years! What is
your interest?
KRAMER
Well, just tell me everything, huh?
FRANK
Many Christmases ago, I went to buy
a doll for my son. I reach for the last
one they had - but so did another man.
As I rained blows opon him, I realized
there had to be another way!
KRAMER
What happened to the doll?
FRANK
It was destroyed. But out of that, a
new holiday was born. "A Festivus for
the rest of us!"
KRAMER
That musta been some kind of doll.
FRANK
She was.
(Scene ends)
Kruger Office Building)
(George is in the hallway, dispensing his made-up gifts)
GEORGE
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker
gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here
is a little something for you.. (hands
her a card)
SANDY
(After reading the cheap gift, she's
suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks.
(Walks off)
(George passes an open doorway)
GEORGE
Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming!
(Flicks his card tward Phil)
PHIL
Ow!
(George meets up with Kruger)
GEORGE
Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas!
(Hands him a card)
KRUGER
Not if you could see our books.. what's
this?
GEORGE
The Human Fund.
KRUGER
Whatever. (Walks off)
GEORGE
Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker)
Erica!
(Scene ends)
H&H Bagel Shop)
(Frank is still telling Kramer about Festivus)
FRANK
And at the Festivus dinner, you gather
your family around, and you tell them
all the ways they have disappointed
you over the past year.
KRAMER
Is there a tree?
FRANK
No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires
not decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
KRAMER
Frank, this new holiday of yours is
scratching me right where I itch.
FRANK
Let's do it then! Festivus is back!
I'll get the pole out of the crawl space.
(Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine)
ELAINE
Hello, Frank.
FRANK
Hello, woman. (leaves)
ELAINE
Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest?
KRAMER
No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen,
Harry, I need the 23rd off.
MANAGER
Hey! I hired you to work during the
holidays. This is the holidays.
KRAMER
But it's Festivus.
MANAGER
What?
KRAMER
You know you're infringing on my right
to celebrate new holidays..
MANAGER
That's not a right.
KRAMER
Well, it's going to be! Because I'm
going back on strike. Come on Elaine.
(Takes of his apron, and goes for his
coat) It's a walk out!
ELAINE
No, I got to stay here and wait for
the call.
KRAMER
What? You're siding with management?!
ELAINE
No, I just..
KRAMER
(Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing
at Elaine) Scab!
(Scene ends)
Taxi Cab)
(Gwen joins Jerry in the cab. She's in her attractive state)
GWEN
Hey.
JERRY
Boy, am I glad to see you.
GWEN
You were expecting someone else?
JERRY
You never know.
GWEN
(To driver) You know, you might want
to take the tunnel.
JERRY
So, uh, what do you feel like eating?
Chinese or Italian?
(All the sudden, Gwen is extremely ugly)
GWEN
I can go either way.
JERRY
(Shocked) You're telling me.
(Scene ends)
the Coffee Shop)
GEORGE
So, she was switching? Back and forth?
JERRY
Actually, the only place she always
looked good was in that back booth over
there.
GEORGE
So, just bring her here. This is all
you really need.
JERRY
I can't just keep bringing her to the
coffee shop. I mean, what if things,
you know, progress?
GEORGE
Lights out.
JERRY
Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really
like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links,
by the way.
GEORGE
(Pointing to them) Office Christmas
gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is
a gold mine!
JERRY
That's not a french cuff shirt, you
know.
GEORGE
I know. I cut the button off and poked
a hole with a letter opener.
JERRY
Oh, that's classy.
(Frank and Kramer enter. Frank is dragging an aluminum pole)
KRAMER
Well, Happy Festivus.
GEORGE
What is that? Is taht the pole?!
FRANK
George, Festivus is your heritage -
it's part of who you are.
GEORGE
(Sulking) That's why I hate it.
KRAMER
There's a big dinner Tuesday night at
Frank's house - everyone's invited.
FRANK
George, you're forgetting how much Festivus
has meant to us all. I brought one of
the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play,
George as a child celebrating
Festivus is heard)
FRANK
Read that poem.
GEORGE
(Complaining) I can't read it. I need
my glasses!
FRANK
You don't need glasses, you're just
weak! You're weak!
ESTELLE
Leave him alone!
FRANK
Alright, George. It's time for the feats
of strength.
(George has a break down)
GEORGE
No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength!
(Gets up and starts running out of the
coffee shop) I hate Festivus!
FRANK
We had some good times.
(Gwen walks in, and greets Jerry. She's in her unattractive state)
GWEN
Hey.
JERRY
I there. This is Kramer, and Frank.
GWEN
Hi.
KRAMER
(Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers)
Hello.
GWEN
So, you ready to go?
JERRY
Uh, why don't we stay here? The back
booth just opened up. (They both walk
to the booth and sit down. Suddenly,
Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good
looking booth.
(Scene ends)
H&H Bagel Shop)
(Kramer is picketing out side.)
KRAMER
Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no
bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant)
(Cut to inside the store)
MANAGER
(To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want
a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich.
ELAINE
(Whining) I want the one that I earned.
(Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get
it! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine.
KRAMER
(From a phone booth right outside the
store) Elaine, you should get out of
there. I sabotaged the bagel machine
last night. It's going down.
ELAINE
What did you do?
KRAMER
You've been warned.
(Elaine looks out the window, and sees Kramer at the pay phone)
ELAINE
Oh, hi! (Waves at him)
(Steam starts coming from a pipe on the machine. Elaine hangs
up)
WORKER
Hey, the steam valve's broke.
MANAGER
Can we still make bagels?
WORKER
Sure. It's just a little steamy.
(Kramer knocks on the shop door)
KRAMER
Hey! How do you like your bagels now?!
(No one inside seems to care. Kramer waits by the door to see
if anyone was affected)
(Scene ends)
Kruger Building)
KRUGER
George, I got something for you. (Pulls
a check from his pocket) I'm suppose
to find a charity and throw some of
the company's money at it. They all
seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check
to George)
GEORGE
20 thousand dollars?
KRUGER
Made out to the Human Fund. (Tries to
enter his office, but it's locked) Oh,
damn. I've locked myself out of my office
again. Oh well. I'm going home.
(Scene ends)
Coffee Shop)
GWEN
Jerry, how many times do we have to
come to this.. place?
JERRY
Why? It's our place.
GWEN
I just found a rubber band in my soup.
JERRY
Oh.. I know who's cooking today!
(Enter George)
GEORGE
Hey! Surprise, surprise!
JERRY
Hey, Georgie!
GWEN
I think I'm just gonna go.
JERRY
I'll be here.
(Gwen leaves)
GEORGE
(Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup.
JERRY
She didn't touch it.
(George spoons through his soup, and finds a rubber band)
GEORGE
Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward
the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this.
(Hands Jerry Kruger's check)
JERRY
20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're
not keeping this.
GEORGE
I don't know.
JERRY
Excuse me?
GEORGE
I've been doing a lot of thinking. This
might be my chance to start giving something
back.
JERRY
You want to give something back? Start
with the 20 thousand dollars.
GEORGE
I'm serious.
JERRY
You're going to start your own charity?
GEORGE
I think I could be a philanthropist.
a kick ass philanthropist! I would have
all this money, and people would love
me. Then they would come to me.. and
beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they
would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm
gonna need is a driver..
(Scene ends)
Outside H&H Bagels)
(Kramer is chanting 'no bagels, no bagels..' Elaine walks out,
her make-up is distorted, and her face is pale because of the
steam)
ELAINE
Kramer, the vest just called.
KRAMER
(Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama
- Hama! It's fright night!
ELAINE
Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath.
Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have
my hands on that "Atomic Sub" card.
KRAMER
And?
ELAINE
(Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave)
I'll see ya.
KRAMER
Yeah.
(Gwen walks by, she's in her ugly state)
GWEN
Kramer, Hi!
KRAMER
Oh, hello.
GWEN
It's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee
shop.
KRAMER
Ah-huh.
GWEN
I'm dating your friend, Jerry..
KRAMER
Ahh.. I don't know who you really are,
but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and
she's not you. You're much better looking
- and like, a foot taller.
GWEN
That's why we're always hiding in that
coffee shop! He's afraid of getting
caught.
KRAMER
Oh, he's a tomcat.
(Cut to Elaine)
(She meets up with Denim Vest on the street corner)
ELAINE
Steve.
DENIM VEST
Hmm?
ELAINE
It's Elaine.
DENIM VEST
From Tim Whatley's party?
ELAINE
Yeah.
DENIM VEST
You look.. different.
ELAINE
I see you're still sticking with the
denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do
you have that card that I gave you?
DENIM VEST
Well, I had it back at my place, but
I can't go there now.. I'll give it
to you later, or something.
ELAINE
No, no, no. You give me your number.
DENIM VEST
Okay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts
writing a number down) Do you have the
mumps?
ELAINE
No.
DENIM VEST
Typhoid?
ELAINE
No.
DENIM VEST
(Hands her the paper, and runs off)
Yama - Hama!
(Elaine looks at the number, and sees it's the same as the number
on a nearby truck)
ELAINE
A fake number! Blimey!
(Scene ends)
Kruger's office)
KRUGER
George, we have a problem. There's a
memo, here, from accounting telling
me there's no such thing as the Human
Fund.
GEORGE
Well, there could be.
KRUGER
But there isn't.
GEORGE
Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give
the money back. Here. (Holds it out)
KRUGER
George, I don't get it. If there's no
Human Fund, those donation cards were
fake. You better have a damn good reason
why you gave me a fake
Christmas gift.
GEORGE
Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card,
because, um, I don't really celebrate
Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
KRUGER
Vemonous?
GEORGE
Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid
that I would be persecuted for my beliefs.
They drove my family out of Bayside,
Sir!
KRUGER
Are you making all this up, too?
GEORGE
Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real.
And.. I could prove it - if I had to.
KRUGER
Yeah, you probably should.
(Scene ends)
The Costanza's house)
GEORGE
Happy Festivus!
FRANK
George? This is a surprise. (Looking
at Kruger) Who's the suit?
GEORGE
Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.
FRANK
Have you seen the pole, Kruger?
GEORGE
Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole.
FRANK
He's gonna see it.
(Enter Jerry and Elaine. Elaine is still ugly from the steam)
GEORGE
Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama -
Hama!
ELAINE
I didn't have time to go home. What
are you doing here?
GEORGE
Embracing my roots.
JERRY
They nailed you on the 20 G's?
GEORGE
Busted cold.
(Cut to Kruger and Frank)
(They're looking at the Festivus pole)
FRANK
It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight
ratio.
KRUGER
I find your belief system fascinating.
(Enter Kramer)
(Kramer's with the two bookies from Horse Track Betting)
KRAMER
Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs
George, and jumps up and down) Hee,
hee, hee!
BOOKIE
Hello again, Miss Benes.
ELAINE
What are you doing here?
BOOKIE
Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were
calling to ask you out, and, uh, we
got this bagel place..
KRAMER
(Finishing the story) I told them I
was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus
miracle!
(Estelle comes through the kitchen door, hitting Kramer as she
opens it)
ESTELLE
Dinner's ready!
FRANK
Let's begin.
Dr.. Van Nostrand?
KRAMER
Uh.. that's right.
(Cut to Frank)
FRANK
Welcome, new comers. The tradition of
Festivus begins with the airing of grievances.
I got a lot of problems with you people!
And now you're gonna hear
about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
GEORGE
Oh, God.
FRANK
(To George) Quiet, you'll get yours
in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth
a silk sheet if you had a hot date with
a babe.. I lost my train of thought.
(Frank sits down, Jerry gives a face that says "That's a shame".
Gwen walks in)
GWEN
Jerry!
JERRY
Gwen! How'd you know I was here?
GWEN
Kramer told me.
KRAMER
Another Festivus miracle!
(Jerry gives Kramer a death stare. He shuts up. Gwen notices
Elaine)
GWEN
I guess this is the ugly girl I've been
hearing about.
ELAINE
Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours.
Give me a break.
(Gwen leaves, Jerry follows)
JERRY
Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to
his seat) Bad lighting on the porch.
ELAINE
(To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?
BOOKIE
He had to be shot.
FRANK
And now as Festivus rolls on, we come
to the feats of strength.
GEORGE
Not the feats of strength..
FRANK
This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.
KRAMER
Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I
gotta go. I have to work a double shift
at H&H.
JERRY
I thought you were on strike?
KRAMER
Well, I caved. I mean, I really had
to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence,
but this holiday is a little (makes
a series of noises) out there.
GEORGE
Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do
the feats of strength?
(Exit Kramer)
KRUGER
(Sipping liquor from a flask) How about
George?
FRANK
Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin
me, George, Festivus is not over!
GEORGE
Oh, please, somebody, stop this!
FRANK
(Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!
(Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house)
ESTELLE
I think you can take him, Georgie!
GEORGE
Oh, come on! Be sensible.
FRANK
Stop crying, and fight your father!
GEORGE
Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!
FRANK
This is the best Festivus ever!
(Scene ends)
H&H Bagel Shop)
(Kramer is shaping some dough and chewing gum - his gum falls
into the dough. He starts looking for the gum, and starts extracting
it from the dough. The manger is
watching)
MANAGER
Alright. That's enough. You're fired.
KRAMER
Thank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves)
THE END
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