THE SUBWAY
Written by
Larry Charles
(Monk's Cafe, the whole gang at a booth)
KRAMER
All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can
take the B or the F and switch
for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge
to DeKalb
and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2,
3, 4 or 5,
but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind
up on Smith
and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
ELAINE
Couldn't he just take the D straight
to Coney Island?
KRAMER
Well, yeah...
ELAINE
Ok, what time is your job interview
George?
GEORGE
9:45
JERRY
Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
That's what Willie Loman told Biff before
his interview, in 'Death of
a salesman'.
GEORGE
What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman,
very encouraging. The
biggest loser in history of American literature.
ELAINE
All right, I'm gonna go.
JERRY
What time is the lesbian wedding?
ELAINE
9:30
GEORGE
Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride
and groom out, what do they
flip a coin?
ELAINE
Yeah, they flip a coin.
GEORGE
What, was that not politically correct?
It's a legitimate question.
JERRY
I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that
train (yawns)
GEORGE
I get the feeling when lesbians are
looking at me, they're
THINKING
"That's why I'm not heterosexual".
KRAMER
Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the
check so we can go.
JERRY
Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Why do I always pay? What am I made
of money? You bunch of
deadbeats.
On the Subway.
GEORGE
How many tickets are you paying today?
KRAMER
Well, let's see: speeding, running a
red light, no license, no
registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah.
(gives
George a ticket)
GEORGE
No doors?
KRAMER
I'm fighting that one. You know, this
is gonna cost me over six
hundred bucks.
Blind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody
else gets
some change, except George.
GEORGE
I can't carry any changes in these pants,
it falls out.
VIOLIN PLAYER
Thank you.
GEORGE
That guy is not blind.
JERRY
So, can I convince anybody to come down
to Coney Island with me? I
got to pick up my car at the pound. George?
GEORGE
I can't believe they actually found
your stolen car.
JERRY
Not only that they found it. It was
simonized and the front end was
aligned.
GEORGE
That's amazing.
JERRY
So what do you say? Run in the cyclone.
Hotdogs on Nathan's is on
me.
GEORGE
What are you? Satan? I'm close to a
job here. It's my second
interview with them.
JERRY
All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?
ELAINE
I can't. I'm the best man.
JERRY
Kramer, bumper-cars?
KRAMER
I've gotta go to court, I'll get in
trouble. What's the matter with
you?
JERRY
Could be years before I get back to
Coney Island. I can't go to
rides alone.
SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT
42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F
train.
They all get off and go to different directions.
ELAINE
See'ya.
Another subway. Jerry comes in and sits down. Fat man across
him gives a
look.
George gets on another subway. Sits next to a beautiful woman.
They smile to
another.
Kramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat.
Stumbles
around as all seats get filled right before him.
He squeezes himself to same seat with obese young man.
Jerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves
and Jerry
falls in his seat.
Woman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her.
WOMAN
You looking for a job?
GEORGE
Me, why?
WOMAN
Well, you're reading the classifieds.
GEORGE
Oh, no no no. I was just looking for
stock-pages. Here it is.
Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote.
Oh, IBM
up a quarter.
WOMEN
You didn't look like someone who needed
a job.
GEORGE
Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing
very well, very well, yep.
WOMEN
So, you're in 'the market'?
GEORGE
Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.
WOMEN
Which market?
GEORGE
Which market, the, eh, big one, the
big market, the big board.
Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.
WOMEN
So, do you work for one of those big
broker-houses?
GEORGE
They wish. I hate the big broker-houses.
Hate them with a passion.
Big broker-houses killed my father.
WOMAN
Really?
GEORGE
Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt
his feelings. It's a long
story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that
I would
never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is
money. I'm
about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way
and I've
never looked back.
Train horn blows and George looks back
Elaine's train. She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman
approaches
her
WOMAN
I started riding these trains in the
forties. Those days a man would
give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have
to stand.
ELAINE
It's ironic.
WOMEN
What's ironic?
ELAINE
This, that we've come all this way,
we have made all this progress,
but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.
WOMAN
No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?
ELAINE
Oh...
WOMAN
Where are you up to, with such a nice
present, birthday party?
ELAINE
A wedding.
WOMEN
A wedding?
ELAINE
Yeah
WOMAN
Hah, I didn't know people still get
married. It's hard today with
men and women.
ELAINE
You're telling me.
WOMAN
So, are they a nice couple?
ELAINE
Oh, very nice.
WOMAN
What does he do, if you don't mind me
asking?
ELAINE
She.
WOMEN
She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds
like my son.
ELAINE
There is no he.
WOMEN
There is no he. So, who's getting married?
ELAINE
Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.
WOMEN
Lesbian wedding.
ELAINE
Aha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman.
WOMEN
My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the
subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)
ELAINE
No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm
not a lesbian! I hate men,
but I'm not a lesbian!
Kramer's train. A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat.
Kramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the
paper. The
other man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece
of one page.
Jerry's train. He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to
the floor.
Man across gives him a look.
Elaine's train. Train is full packed.
ELAINE'S VOICE
I'm really looking forward to this.
I love weddings. Maybe
I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not.
Train suddenly stops
ELAINE'S VOICE
Oh, man. We're stopping?
George's train.
WOMAN
Well, this is where I get off.
GEORGE
Oh, you do?
WOMAN
Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.
GEORGE
No, no, what, what?
WOMAN
Well, I was going to say: why don't
you get off with me, but you're
obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or
something.
GEORGE
Yeah, well....
WOMAN
Yeah I knew it was a bad idea.
George is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs
after her
GEORGE
Hey, what's another million, give or
take. I get off where and when
I wanna get off.
He gets stuck between closing doors.
GEORGE
I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second.
Don't start the train!
Don't start the train!!
Kramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking.
MAN1
This, it's the fourth horse of the first
race, Pappanick.
MAN2
How do you know it's going to win?
MAN1
My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses
are regular customers.
Every horse he has ever given me has won.
See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's
been
getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout
hasn't
been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna
break his
a lock.
MAN2
But it rained last night.
MAN1
Exactly, this horse loves the slop.
It's in his bloodlines. His
father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.
MAN2
His mudda' was a mudda'?
MAN1
What did I just say? Come on, let's
go to the office, I'm going to
call my bookie. Hey, don't tell anybody.
Kramer quickly turns away
Jerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy
is naked and
reading a paper.
JERRY
O-K. You realize of course, you're naked?
NAKED MAN
Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.
JERRY
You oughta' sit here. There is a difference.
NAKED MAN
You got something against naked body?
JERRY
I got something against yours. How about
a couple of deep knee bends,
maybe a squat thrust?
NAKED MAN
Who's got time for squat thrusts?
JERRY
All right, how about skipping breakfast.
I'm guessing you're not a
'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.
NAKED MAN
I like a good breakfast.
JERRY
I understand, I like good breakfast.
Long as you don't wind up
trapped in a room with bimbo broals(?) and pigtails, been counseled
by Dick
Gregory.
NAKED MAN
I'm not ashamed of my body.
JERRY
That's your problem, you should be.
Naked man drops half of his newspaper
JERRY
Don't get up, please, allow me.
Jerry picks up the paper
Elaine is still trapped in a stopped train.
ELAINE'S VOICE
Oh, this is great. This is what I need,
just what I need.
Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the
track, we're
stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so
many people?
This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city?
What is
so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I
feel
something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people
should be in
a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the
ring.
What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh,
I can't
breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon.
Think about
the people on the concentration camps, what they went through.
And
hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about
that. This
is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare!
Help
me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!?
What
can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic!
How can a
train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think
the
conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay
we'll be
moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my
leg?!!
Lights in the train go off
George and the woman step in to a hotel room.
GEORGE
Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh,
hey nice ice-bucket.
WOMAN
Make your-self comfortable.
She steps in to bathroom.
GEORGE'S VOICE
Make myself comfortable. What does that
mean? Does she want
me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What
if I take my
clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like
an idiot.
She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them
on, but what
then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make
yourself
comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing
can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed.
There,
that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible.
She comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nightie.
GEORGE
Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.
Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. He is talking with
a guy
behind in the line.
KRAMER
Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the
bug boy on him.
GUY
The bug boy.
KRAMER
Yeah, the little father has run his
hard out. They're gonna break
his maiden.
GUY
Really? But, it's a little bit slow
out there it rained last night.
KRAMER
Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves
it, eats it up. Eats the slob.
Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.
GUY
His father was a mudda'?
KRAMER
His mother was a mudda'.
GUY
His mother was a mudda'?
KRAMER
What did I just say?
Kramer gets to the cashier
KRAMER
Hey,all right, 600 Pappanick to win.
Jerry's train
FG
They still have no pitching. Goodin's
a question mahk. ...You don't recover
from those rotator cuffs so fast.
JS
I'm not worried about their best pitching.
They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.
FG
No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla,
Murry. ...They got no defence.
JS
Defence? Please. ...They need speed.
FG
Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need
a bullpen.
JS
Franco's no good? ...They got no team
leaders.
FG
They got Franco! ...What they need is
a front office.
JS
But you gotta like their chances.
FG
I LUV their chances.
JS
Tell you what. If they win the penant
I'll sit naked with you at the World
Series.
FG
It's a deal!
Elaine is in a stopped train with no lights.
ELAINE'S VOICE
Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars
my whole life
could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out
of here. What
if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5
seconds. 1
banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still
here! Still
here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! Train
starts
moving, lights get back on It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!!
Train
stops again and lights go off Motherf(beep-beep)!!!
George and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The
woman is
putting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard
of the bed.
GEORGE
Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for
these things.
WOMAN
Oh, don't worry. I do.
She steps in to the bathroom
GEORGE
You know, my mother used to walk around
on our apartment just in
her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was
really
disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and
fatter version
of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing,
cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who
was worse
looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.
WOMAN
Like what?
GEORGE
Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than
Hazel. Hazel really puts
your mother to shame"
She comes out of the bathroom fully clothed
GEORGE
What's going on?
WOMAN
It was a pleasure doing business with
you George, but I'm afraid I
have to get going.
GEORGE
Get going? But we haven't really, you
know....
WOMAN
Eight dollars? Eight dollars?
GEORGE
What are you doing? You're robbing me?
WOMEN
I wasted my whole morning with you for
eight dollars?
GEORGE
Wait, wait a second, what are you doing?
WOMAN
I'm taking your clothes.
GEORGE
No, that's my only suit. It cost me
350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg
.
WOMAN
Bye George.
GEORGE
No wait, you can't just leave me here!
Will I see you again?
Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. The race is on and
Pappanick
is slowly making ground
yes...
The winner is Pappanick
KRAMER
Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier)
Kramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money
around.
There is a big thug looking at the money.
Kramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him.
He makes
a run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and
so does the
thug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes.
The naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are
getting of
the train.
I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for
20 years.
JERRY
First we ride the cyclone.
Chilly out.
Jerry takes a deep breath
JERRY
Aah, French fries.
Kramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where
the blind
violinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and
the thug
picks Kramer up and looks for the money.
THUG
Give me the money. Give me the money!
Police!"
Back to the Monk's café. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting
in a booth.
JERRY
No, I never got the car. We were having
such a good time, by the
time I got to the police garage, it was closed.
ELAINE
Too bad.
JERRY
You wouldn't believe what this guy put
away at Nathan's. Look at
what we won!
Waves around a stuffed monkey
JERRY
You want him?
ELAINE
Get that out of my face.
JERRY
So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch
the bris!
George enters wearing a sheet.
GEORGE
How would you like a 'Hare Krishna'
fist on your throat, you little
punk?
ELAINE
George?
JERRY
Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator?
GEORGE
You have my spare-key in your apartment,
right?
JERRY
Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.
GEORGE
Give me your key, I gotta get it.
KRAMER
What happened?
GEORGE
Never mind what happened, just give
me the key.
JERRY
Come on, I'll go with you.
ELAINE
Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)
KRAMER
Wait, wait, wait...
Kramer gets the check, looks at it and gets pile of cash and
pays. Jerry and Elaine look amazed.
THE END
|
