THE TRIP PART 1
Written by
Larry Charles
(George and Jerry enter Monk's Coffee Shop)
GEORGE
Kramer was on Murphy Brown?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Are you sure?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Murphy Brown, the TV show.
JERRY
C'mon, will ya?
GEORGE
Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son
of a gun!
JERRY
Something, isn't it?
GEORGE
With Candace Bergen!
JERRY
I know!
GEORGE
I've always liked her. Remember her
in 'Carnal Knowledge'?
JERRY
Sure.
GEORGE
Did she show her breasts in that?
JERRY
She's not really the naked type.
GEORGE
I can't believe I missed Kramer. You
know he asked me to go with him
to California.
JERRY
He did?
GEORGE
Yeah, I turned him down.
JERRY
How come you didn't tell me?
GEORGE
He asked me to keep it a secret.
JERRY
But you can never keep a secret.
GEORGE
I know. This was like a record. My previous
record was when Joni
Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept
a lid on that
for about 28 seconds.
JERRY
Well, you've come a long way.
GEORGE
I've matured.
JERRY
Hey listen, the Tonight Show called
me, they want me to come out and do
the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to
LA. You wanna
go?
GEORGE
A free ticket?
JERRY
Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer.
I always felt bad about the
way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken
back those
keys.
GEORGE
What about accommodations?
JERRY
All taken care of.
GEORGE
Is there a meal allowance? What about
seat assignments? Could I have
the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes.
Gotta
get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication.
Oh, do I
need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal
tour? They have
that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...
Kramer, backstage, talking to some aspiring young actors.
KRAMER
So my acting technique, my personal
acting technique is working with
color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational
mood connected to
the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that
all my lines
have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize
color. This way
I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full
palette of
emotions.
STUDIO GUARD
Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of
here?
KRAMER
Uh, did you?
STUDIO GUARD
C'mon, let's go.
KRAMER
Well, I was just--
STUDIO GUARD
Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon,
let's go.
KRAMER
Alright, we'll talk about this a little
later. Are you an actor?
Kramer's apartment building in LA. Singers and actors are heard
practicing in
the background. Kramer leaves his apartment and makes a call
on the pay phone
in the hall.
VOICE
Murphy Brown.
KRAMER
Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
VOICE
Who's calling please?
KRAMER
Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
Dial tone.
KRAMER
Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home.
(To man waiting behind him)
Go ahead, it's all yours.
Helena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway.
HELENA
Hello Kramer.
KRAMER
Oh, uh, Helena, how are you?
HELENA
I haven't worked since 1934, how do
you think I am?
KRAMER
Well, that's only uh, 58 years.
HELENA
It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy
Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's
secretary, remember?
KRAMER
Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that
was a Shemp, right?
HELENA
No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors
who find a baby, the baby's
been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.
KRAMER
Uh huh, right.
HELENA
But, but of course they didn't do it,
the police had made an awful
mistake.
KRAMER
Right.
HELENA
Moe hits Curly with an axe,
KRAMER
Uh huh.
HELENA
The Stooges catch the kidnappers,
KRAMER
Right.
HELENA
But it's too late.
KRAMER
Really.
HELENA
The baby's dead.
KRAMER
Really?
HELENA
The boys are sent to Death Row and are
executed.
KRAMER
Well I don't remember that part.
HELENA
I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.
KRAMER
Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very
good.
HELENA
Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges,
what with the dead baby and the
Stooges being executed and all.
KRAMER
Well, that was an unusual choice for
the stooges.
HELENA
Would you like to buy me a fat-free
frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?
KRAMER
Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right
now, you know, uh, I got a very
big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment.
So, uh, I
guess we'll have to make it another time, alright?
HELENE
Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer,
they'll hurt you, they'll
destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive
like me,
KRAMER
Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not
that sensitive at all.
HELENA
I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left
me at the altar. Kramer!
Kramer!
Jerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases
and
backpacks.
JERRY
What is this?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
We're going on a two day trip, what
are you, Diana Ross?
GEORGE
I happen to dress based on mood.
JERRY
Oh. But you essentially wear the same
thing all the time.
GEORGE
Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that
basic framework there are many
subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that
reflect the many
moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
JERRY
(referring to George's outfit): And
what mood is this.
GEORGE
This is Morning Mist.
A murder scene. There's a body under a blanket and two Lieutenants
are talking.
LT. COLEMAN
What do you figure, 20? 21?
LT. MARTEL
Close enough.
LT. COLEMAN
Forensics ought to be able to nail it
down.
LT. MARTEL
No ID?
LT. COLEMAN
No ID.
LT. MARTEL
No witnesses?
LT. COLEMAN
Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young
thing.
LT. MARTEL
She was. Not any more. Somebody saw
to that.
LT. COLEMAN
Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What
do you make of it?
LT. MARTEL
I don't know, but I don't like it.
Jerry and George are at the airport, in line for the metal detector.
JERRY
Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar.
He thinks if he goes through
real slow the machine won't detect him.
GEORGE
Personally I'm a little nervous about
going through these things. I'm
afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.
JERRY
Just go.
George braces himself and walks through the detector.
GEORGE
Heh he, I made it.
Jerry walks through and the machine beeps.
SECURITY GUARD
Empty your pockets please.
Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine
beeps again.
SECURITY GUARD
Walk through again please.
Jerry walks through, the machine beeps again.
SECURITY GUARD
Are you sure you don't have any metal
on you? Bracelets?
Rings? Anklets?
JERRY
Anklets?
SECURITY GUARD
A lot of men wear anklets.
JERRY
Really?
SECURITY GUARD
Yeah.
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
What do you have in your bag, sir?
GEORGE
My bag?
SECURITY GUARD
Step over here please.
JERRY
Over here?
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
Do you have a knife in the bag?
GEORGE
A knife?
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
Open the bag, please.
George opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging.
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
What's this?
GEORGE
Moisturizer?
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
Your wife?
GEORGE
No, I uh... I use it.
SECURITY GUARD
Spread your arms and legs please.
The security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up
and down Jerry's
body.
JERRY
Ladies and gentlemen, I implore
you.
OTHER SECURITY GUARD
Have a good trip.
SECURITY GUARD
Alright, go ahead.
JERRY
That's it?
SECURITY GUARD
That's it.
JERRY
Alright.
GEORGE
C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that
all about?
JERRY
I must have iron rich blood.
GEORGE
Here we go, LA.
JERRY
The Coast,
GEORGE
La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?
JERRY
Who said that?
GEORGE
I called it.
JERRY
Oh no.
Monologue, Jerry on stage.
Seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America
are the people
that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't
you hate
these things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people,
look out, cart
people! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless
peasants. Oooh!
It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the
cart people,
Timmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're
too fat, slow
and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready
for air travel.
The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving
walkway and
then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no
animated
pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?
Stock photo of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Cut to a casting office. Kramer
enters.
KRAMER
Yeah, I'm here for the audition.
RECEPTIONIST
Which audition, the music video, the
horror movie, the exercise
tape or the infomercial?
KRAMER
Uh, let's see... well.
Cut to a montage of Kramer in group auditions for the productions
the
receptionist mentioned.
Kramer and Chelsea, a woman he met in the horror movie audition,
exit the
casting office.
KRAMER
You scream good.
CHELSEA
You too.
Kramer and Chelsea are seated at a restaurant table.
CHELSEA
So, can I keep this treatment?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.
CHELSEA
'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager.
He has connections with West
German television money.
KRAMER
Really.
CHELSEA
Yeah, they're trying to put together
a miniseries for me on Eva Braun.
I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing
about Eva Braun,
only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.
KRAMER
Um-hm.
CHELSEA
What was it like having sex with Adolf
Hitler? What do you wear in a
bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law?
I mean
it could just go on and on...
KRAMER
Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's
over there. Don't look, don't
look! It's Fred Savage.
CHELSEA
Big deal.
KRAMER
He'd be perfect for my movie. This is
a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta
give him a
copy of my treatment.
CHELSEA
Why are you breathing so hard?
KRAMER
Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK,
I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me
luck, huh?
Kramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a
table nearby.
KRAMER
Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not
crazy. I mean, I may look
weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying
to make it in
this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
FRED SAVAGE
Thank you.
KRAMER
Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.
FRED
Thanks.
KRAMER
Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous,
you know, uh...
FRED
That's ok. Relax, relax.
KRAMER
Ok, but I got this...
Kramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the
table collapses.
KRAMER
Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally
like this, usually I'm very
cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but
I think it's fate
that you happened to be here at the same time as me.
FRED
Yeah, its fate,
you know, can't avoid your fate.
KRAMER
I got this treatment I think you'll
be great in.
FRED
Yeah.
KRAMER
So I'd like to give it to you.
FRED
Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye!
KRAMER
Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.
Fred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves,
Kramer gives
the rest of the patrons a thumbs-up.
George and Jerry are in their hotel room. Jerry's on the telephone.
JERRY
Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't
know, wavy? George, how would
you describe Kramer's hair?
GEORGE
Curly.
JERRY
Wavy.
GEORGE
What'd you ask me for?
JERRY
Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did
you see a piece of paper I had on
the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?
GEORGE
Nope.
JERRY
'Cause I had like three jokes on it,
they were all perfectly worded just
the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?
GEORGE
Hey, a shoe buffing machine!
JERRY
I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall
is Kramer?
GEORGE
You got your own shampoo, conditioner,
body lotion! Jerry, body
lotion!
JERRY
About 6-3.
GEORGE
Ooh, a shower cap!
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
JERRY
Coming.
George walks to the door wearing a shower cap.
LUPE
Hello. I have more towels.
GEORGE
Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome.
I'm George. And this is
Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?
LUPE
Lupe.
GEORGE
Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen,
are you going to be making
up the bed in the morning?
LUPE
Yes.
GEORGE
Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor?
Could you not tuck the
blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.
LUPE
Oh, yes, yes.
GEORGE
Yes, I like to just be able to take
the blankets and swish them and
swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being
all tucked in.
I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes
pointed up in the
air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.
LUPE
Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.
GEORGE
Exactly, you know what I'm talking about,
right?
LUPE
It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry)
Him too?
GEORGE
Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked
in?
JERRY
Excuse me, what?
GEORGE
You want your blankets tucked in?
JERRY
What blankets?
GEORGE
When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.
JERRY
I don't know, whatever they do.
LUPE
I tuck in? Yes?
JERRY
Tuck in, tuck in.
GEORGE
Alright, so that's one tuck and one
no-tuck.
LUPE
Okay.
GEORGE
Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry,
I really think it'd be easier if
you didn't tuck.
JERRY
Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to
tuck, put me down for a no-tuck.
GEORGE
Two no-tucks.
JERRY
Uh, hang on a second, You know what?
Changed my mind, make it a tuck.
GEORGE
You just said you weren't tucking.
JERRY
I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung
up on me. They don't know where
Kramer is anyway.
GEORGE
Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one
no-tuck. Got that?
JERRY
Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of
paper on the nightstand here
earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?
LUPE
Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean
the room.
JERRY
Oh, okay, thanks.
LUPE
Thank you.
GEORGE
Thank you.
LUPE
Bye-bye.
GEORGE
Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now.
LUPE
Bye.
GEORGE
Bye-bye.
Lupe exits.
JERRY
I can't believe she threw that out.
I had like the perfect wording of a
whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport,
I was gonna do
it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.
GEORGE
Well what did you want her to do, you
left it on the night table.
JERRY
They're not supposed to just take everything
and throw it out!
GEORGE
Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault,
you shouldn't have left it out.
JERRY
Alright, just get your thing together
and let's get out of here.
GEORGE
Alright, now. What mood am I in, what
mood am I in?
Cut to Jerry and George in the car, continuing their discussion.
GEORGE
You shouldn't have tucked.
JERRY
I like it tucked.
GEORGE
Nobody tucks anymore.
As Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into
his car and drives
off, spilling dozens of 8"x10" publicity photos. A police office
notices this
and picks up one of the photos.
Another murder scene. A police officer pulls a blanket over the
body's head,
but we catch a glimpse of the dead girl; it's Chelsea, Kramer's
friend from the
auditions. The same two Lieutenants as before are just arriving.
OFFICER
Hey, Lieutenant.
LT. MARTEL
Yeah.
OFFICER
This was found on her person.
LT. MARTEL
On her person? What kind of expression
is that?
OFFICER
I don't know, sir. Police lingo.
LT. MARTEL
Oh yeah? What's your name, son.
OFFICER
Ross.
LT. MARTEL
Ross. Do you see that person there,
Ross?
OFFICER
Yes sir.
LT. MARTEL
She's dead. Have you got that?
OFFICER
Yes sir.
LT. MARTEL
Good. Now get out of here before you
find yourself on transit
patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.
OFFICER
Yes sir.
The Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says "The
Keys" A movie
treatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where
Kramer's first
name was is missing.
LT. MARTEL
I think we just caught a break.
Jerry and George are at the NBC studio.
GEORGE
This is very exciting! You're on the
Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on
the show?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
Might meet a celebrity.
JERRY
I can't believe she threw out my napkin.
GEORGE
What are you worried about, you know
it.
JERRY
You gonna be alright here?
GEORGE
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your
business, I'll just wander
around.
JERRY
Alright, don't wander too far, I'll
meet you back here in fifteen
minutes.
GEORGE
Go, go, go, don't worry about it.
Jerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door.
he stands near
George, obviously waiting for someone.
GEORGE
Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen.
CORBIN BERNSEN
How ya doing?
GEORGE
Big fan! Big fan.
CORBIN BERNSEN
Yeah.
GEORGE
Hey, you grew a beard, huh?
CORBIN BERNSEN
Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during
my hiatus.
GEORGE
Hey. You know, do I have a case for
you guys to do on L.A. Law.
CORBIN BERNSEN
Really.
Flash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'.
GEORGE
...so mind you, at this point I'm only
going out with her two or three
weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat.
So at this
time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it
slips my mind for a
few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.
CORBIN BERNSEN
Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened?
GEORGE
Well, it's the damnedest thing. The
cat dies. So she comes back into
town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board.
CORBIN BERNSEN
So you killed the cat.
GEORGE
That's what she says. I say, listen.
It was an old cat. It died of
natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy
her a brand new
cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat.
I'm not
gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And
second of all, I
go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds.
I say, you show
me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I
spring for a new
cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the
hell out of here,
and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be
a great case on
L.A. Law?
Corbin Bernsen just stares at George.
Flash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the
same hallway.
GEORGE
I don't wanna tell you how to run your
show.
GEORGE WENDT
Oh, of course not.
GEORGE
But really, it's enough with the bar
already.
GEORGE WENDT
Yeah, well.
GEORGE
Seriously, have they though about changing
the setting?
GEORGE WENDT
Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah.
GEORGE
Really? Because people do meet in places
besides a bar, huh?
GEORGE WENDT
Well yeah, they do, heh heh.
GEORGE
What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community
center.
GEORGE WENDT
Yeah, you oughta
write one of those.
GEORGE
Yeah?
GEORGE WENDT
Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers,
I gotta... uh...
GEORGE
Fabulous, I'll think about that George,
thank you!
Jerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily.
JERRY
How's it going?
GEORGE
Great! Great! I actually just had two
meaningful intelligent
conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.
JERRY
Really?
GEORGE
Yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you
know? Actual conversation, I was
incredibly articulate!
JERRY
You got toilet paper on your heel there.
George looks down, Jerry walks away.
The Tonight Show, George is in the audience applauding.
ANNOUNCER
It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin
Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld.
Quick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview.
CORBIN BERNSEN
Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming
up to me trying to give
me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here,
right outside
in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says
he's supposed to
watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he
forgets to feed
the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses
to get her a
new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants
Arnie Becker to
represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for
L.A. Law.
Thanks a lot.
Quick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George.
Cut to a police station. Helena is being questioned by Lt. Martel.
HELENA
He's a very handsome man. Passionate,
intense, but troubled, strange.
I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing
abnormal about
that, I have many suitors.
Cut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview.
GEORGE WENDT
It's funny, 'cause even after all these
years, we still get
people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a
few moments ago I
ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should
think about,
you know, not doing the show in a bar.
Another quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing
besides George.
Cut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van
Kramer hitched a
ride to LA in (see "The Keys") known only as 'The Freak' is being
questioned by
the Lt.
THE FREAK
So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer,
dude. You ever killed a man
before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands
have been
soaking in Ivory liquid?
Cut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt
are talking
between takes.
GEORGE WENDT
The guy you talked to, what did he look
like?
CORBIN BERNSEN
Short little bald guy with glasses.
GEORGE WENDT
Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked
to.
CORBIN BERNSEN
It never ends, does it?
Cut to Jerry, on stage, doing his routine.
JERRY
So I'm going through the airport and
I have to put my bag on that little
uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.
Quick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing.
Quick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry.
Cut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone.
LT. MARTEL
Issue an arrest warrant, put out an
APB. Let's pick up this, uh,
Kramer.
George and Jerry are leaving the Tonight Show set,
JERRY
I was terrible.
GEORGE
What are you, crazy? You were fine.
JERRY
Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't
remember what I was trying to
say, that whole thing about the, uh...
GEORGE
Conveyor belt.
JERRY
Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.
GEORGE
I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?
JERRY
Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.
George and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report
is being broadcast.
TV NEWSCASTER
Our top story tonight, there has been
a break in the so called
'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the
suspect being
sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer".
George and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief.
TO BE CONTINUED.
(Comedy club)
Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is
left in the show.
You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time?
Are we out of
time? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's
the time?
Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle
this guy or
are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating?
I'll tell
you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll
come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us."
THE END
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