THE VIRGIN
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Jerry and George talking near a bar.)
JERRY
We're dead.
GEORGE
We're not dead.
JERRY
We are dead.
GEORGE
Come on. We got all day tomorrow to
come up with a story.
JERRY
All day tomorrow? We had a month and
a half to come up with something and
we didn't do anything.
GEORGE
So we'll do it tomorrow.
JERRY
Let me ask you something. When's the
last time you went skiing?
GEORGE
About six years ago.
JERRY
I think you can take the lift ticket
off your jacket now.
GEORGE
Women like skiers.
JERRY
So what? You can't meet anybody. You're
going on with Susan.
GEORGE
Yeah. Right.
JERRY
Hey, see those two women over there?
I almost dated the one on the right.
She's in the closet business.
GEORGE
The closet business? What's the closet
business?
JERRY
What is it your business?
GEORGE
I'm interested.
JERRY
She reorganizes your closet and shows
you how to maximize your closet space.
She looked into my closet.
GEORGE
So you thought she was good looking
and figured this would be a good way
to meet her.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Yeah. So what happened?
JERRY
So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend
and then it hit me. What do I need more
closet space for? (Across the room)
Hi, Marla.
MARLA
(Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry.
JERRY
George, Marla.
GEORGE
Marla.
MARLA
George. Jerry, Stacey.
JERRY
Stacey.
STACEY
Jerry.
JERRY
George, Stacey.
GEORGE
Stacey.
STACEY
George.
JERRY
George.
GEORGE
Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue)
Stacey! (Walks over to Stacey)
MARLA
So, how was your trip to Berlin?
JERRY
Trip to Berlin?
MARLA
Remember? That's why you put off doing
the closets. You said you were going
to Berlin for a while.
JERRY
Oh, right, right.
MARLA
The wall had just come down, and you
told me you wanted to be part of the
celebration.
JERRY
Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was
watching it on CNN, and they covered
it so well I thought, "Why knock my
brains out?"
MARLA
You, know my boyfriend went.
JERRY
Really?
MARLA
Yes, I told him all about you going
and he got all excited and decided to
go.
JERRY
Oh, did he like it?
MARLA
I don't know. He never came back. (Over
to the other side of the bar)
GEORGE
Anyway, we met with NBC about a month
ago and they gave us the green light
to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact,
we got a big meeting with them tomorrow.
They gotta approve of the story before
we can write.
STACEY
Wow, what a great job. A writer.
GEORGE
Not a bad way to make a buck.
STACEY
Sounds great.
GEORGE
Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a
lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly
easy to me. Some people write symphonies.
This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket
while Stacey looks away)
JERRY
So, are you gonna go out with her?
GEORGE
I might.
JERRY
What about Susan?
GEORGE
What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed
to go out with somebody else?
JERRY
Depends.
GEORGE
Depends on what?
JERRY
On many factors.
GEORGE
Like what?
JERRY
Well, how long you've been seeing her.
What's your phone call frequency? Are
you on a daily?
GEORGE
No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a
week.
JERRY
What about Saturday nights? Do you have
to ask her out, or is a date implied?
GEORGE
Implied.
JERRY
She got anything in your medicine cabinet?
GEORGE
There might be some moisturizer.
JERRY
Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there
any tampax in your house?
GEORGE
(Pause) Yeah.
JERRY
Well, I'll tell you what you've got
here.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
You got yourself a girlfriend.
GEORGE
Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?
JERRY
I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily
with tampax in his house and an implied
date on Saturday night. I would like
to help you out, but...
GEORGE
Would you believe my luck? The first
time in my life I have a good answer
to the question, "What do you do?" and
I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't
need a girlfriend when you can answer
that question. That's what you say in
order to get girlfriends. Once you can
get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend,
you just want more girlfriends.
JERRY
You're going to make a good father someday.
GEORGE
Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just
not fair. All right, all right. That's
it. I'm getting out of this thing.
JERRY
Fine. Break up with her. But you know
what this means?
GEORGE
No, what?
JERRY
The script, the pilot, the TV show.
That's all over.
GEORGE
Why? What do you mean?
JERRY
Figure it out. She's one of the executives
at NBC that's gonna make the decision
whether or not they pick up the show.
She's one of our biggest fans. You drop
her off, you think they're gonna pick
us up?
GEORGE
Oh, right. Oh no, man.
JERRY
you know, it's a very interesting situation.
Here you have a job that can get you
girls. But, you also have a relationship.
But if you try and get rid of the relationship
so you can get the girls, you lose the
job. You see the irony?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right.
What about this? What if I can find
some way to break up with her so that
she'll still like me and it doesn't
affect the deal.
JERRY
(sarcastically) Oh, yeah.
GEORGE
Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss
this. You're very quick to dismiss.
Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush
on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush.
She talks about him all the time. Suppose
I go up to David Letterman. He works
at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my
situation. He agrees to meet her. They
go out, they fall madly in love. And
she dumps me for David Letterman.
JERRY
This is your plan?
GEORGE
No, no. I'm just thinking.
JERRY
I don't think you are.
MARLA
Let me tell you what I think.
JERRY
Please, and be brutal. I have no closet
sensitivity.
MARLA
Are you very fussy about your pants?
JERRY
I don't think I am.
MARLA
Because I have a very radical idea.
Can you handle it?
JERRY
Try me.
MARLA
Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate
all this. The hangers, the bar, the
shelves. And in its place install a
series of hooks. We'll put everything
on hooks.
JERRY
Everything?
MARLA
Everything. The shirts, pants, sport
jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty
hooks on here.
JERRY
You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer
enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes
into other room) Hey?
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
This is not a good time.
KRAMER
Five minutes. What?
JERRY
What did you have to give your TV away
to George for?
KRAMER
Because I've been watching too much.
It was an addiction. I couldn't stop.
It was, it was destroying my brain cells.
JERRY
Yeah, but now you're in here all the
time. (Marla enters from other room)
KRAMER
Well, wow.
JERRY
Marla, Kramer.
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Why don't you go out? It's nice out.
KRAMER
Oh, no. There's nothing out there for
me.
JERRY
There's weather.
KRAMER
Weather? I don't need weather. Weather
doesn't do it for me.
JERRY
I'm tellin' George to give you your
TV back.
KRAMER
No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause)
Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?
JERRY
I don't know.
KRAMER
Will you tape it?
JERRY
Kramer... (points to Marla)
KRAMER
Yeah. (He exits)
JERRY
So your boyfriend never came back from
Berlin.
MARLA
Never came back.
JERRY
Oh, you must have been devastated being
left for a wall.
MARLA
It was about to end anyway. There was
this... problem.
JERRY
Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second.
Yeah?
ELAINE
It's me.
JERRY
Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just
a friend of mine. I don't know what
she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry.
What?
ELAINE
I didn't get it.
JERRY
Ugh. So you were saying there was this
problem.
MARLA
Well, he wanted me to move in with him.
JERRY
Snapple?
MARLA
No thanks.
JERRY
Go on.
MARLA
Well I wouldn't move in because...
JERRY
Yes.
MARLA
Well because...
JERRY
Yeah.
MARLA
Well because I'm a virgin. (Elaine enters)
ELAINE
Hello!
JERRY
Hi, um. Marla, Elaine.
ELAINE
I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company.
I just wanted to return your tape.
JERRY
Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now
that costs me thirty-five dollars to
see Havana.
ELAINE
I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept
forgetting.
MARLA
I should be going.
ELAINE
No, no, I'm leaving.
JERRY
I like that thing in your hair there.
ELAINE
Oh yeah? This woman was selling them
at this crazy party I was at last night.
You'll appreciate this. Snapple?
MARLA
No thanks.
ELAINE
I was talking to this guy, you know,
and I just happened to throw my purse
on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying
out. So I just froze, you know, ahh!
Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's
just lying there. So then, this woman,
the one who sold me this hair thing,
she grabbed it before the guy noticed,
so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry
around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah,
like it's a big, big secret that women
carry around their diaphragms. You never
know when you're gonna need it, right?
(Sips the Snapple) Ahh.
MARLA
I should be going.
JERRY
So we'll talk about the hooks then?
MARLA
Yes. (She exits)
ELAINE
What? Was it something I said?
JERRY
She's a virgin, she just told me.
ELAINE
Well I didn't know.
JERRY
Well it's not like spotting a toupee.
ELAINE
Well you think I should say something?
Should I say something? Should I apologize?
Was I being anti-virgin?
JERRY
No, no, I mean...
ELAINE
'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be
right back. (She leaves)
JERRY
Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah?
GEORGE
It's George.
GEORGE
She's a virgin?
JERRY
A virgin.
GEORGE
Wow. So what're you gonna do?
JERRY
I don't know. I'm very attracted to
her. That accent, it's so sexy.
GEORGE
I don't think I could do it. You know,
they always remember the first time.
I don't want to be remembered. I wanna
be forgotten.
JERRY
You need a little pioneer spirit. You
know, you don't have any of that Lewis
and Clark in you.
GEORGE
You know, sometimes those guys don't
make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm
really hungry.
JERRY
Yeah, me too.
GEORGE
We gotta get something. I don't want
to go to that meeting on an empty stomach.
Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order
it?
JERRY
All right, but then we gotta get some
work done. Let me just call Kramer,
see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we
ordering Chinese food. If you want anything--
(Kramer enters quickly) let me know
what it is and I'll order for you.
KRAMER
I'm in. Let's go for it.
GEORGE
What do you want?
KRAMER
I don't care, whatever.
GEORGE
I'll tell you what. Why don't we just
get a couple of dishes and we'll just
share 'em.
KRAMER
Okay. What are you getting?
GEORGE
I'm gonna get a Chow Fung.
KRAMER
What's a Chow Fung?
GEORGE
It's a broad noodle.
KRAMER
What do you mean, a broad noodle?
GEORGE
It's a big flat noodle.
KRAMER
Well I don't want a big flat noodle.
GEORGE
What kind of noodle do you want?
KRAMER
Who says I want a noodle?
GEORGE
All right, look. I'm getting the Chow
Fung. You don't have to have any.
KRAMER
All right. I'll get pea pods and you
can't have any of my pea pods.
GEORGE
Fine.
KRAMER
Get extra MSG.
ELAINE
Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is
totally overrated. Now, here's the one
thing you've gotta be ready for is how
the man changes into a completely different
person five seconds after it's over.
I mean, something happens to their personality
it's really quite astounding. It's like
they committed a crime and they want
to flee the scene before the police
get there.
MARLA
So they just leave?
ELAINE
Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart
ones start working on their getaway
stories during dinner. How, you know,
they gotta get up early tomorrow. What
is about being up early? They all turn
into farmers suddenly.
MARLA
Wow. It must be pretty good to put up
with all that.
ELAINE
Eh.
JERRY
All right, let's go. We don't have much
time before the meeting.
GEORGE
Where's the food? What happened to Ping?
JERRY
Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we
only got about two hours. We just need
to come up with one good story so we
can get through this meeting. (Buzzer)
There's your food.
GEORGE
Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident.
The motorist is uninsured, you with
me?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
My car's totaled. It's all his fault
and now, he has absolutely no money.
There is no way that he can pay me.
So the judge decrees that he becomes
my butler.
JERRY
Your butler?
GEORGE
Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my
house, he does all my shopping for me.
And there you go, that's your program.
JERRY
What about me?
GEORGE
Don't worry, we'll find something for
you. (Knock of Jerry's door)
JERRY
(Getting the door) That's the stupidest
idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a
butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured
Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened?
ELAINE
There was a bit of an accident.
PING
Head hurts. Head really hurts.
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Marla and I went out for coffee and
afterwards I was crossing the street
and he was biking right towards me.
So I got out of the way just in time,
but then he ran into a parked car. He
hit his head and everything went flying.
GEORGE
Something happened to the food?
PING
I only saved one bag.
JERRY
Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna
see a doctor?
MARLA
I'll get some ice.
GEORGE
(After looking in the bag) The pea pods?
All you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer
enters)
KRAMER
Hey, you got the food?
JERRY
Yeah, here.
KRAMER
What took you so long? Hey, Ping!
PING
Kramer. (Kramer and George sit on the
couch)
KRAMER
Yeah. Where's yours?
GEORGE
He dropped it.
KRAMER
Oh, that's too bad.
ELAINE
You should slow down, you know that?
It's dangerous to go that fast.
PING
No, no. I have green light. You jaywalked.
KRAMER
(To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah?
ELAINE
(To Ping) I did not jaywalk.
JERRY
(To George) You're givin' him back that
TV.
PING
(To Elaine) Yes, you jaywalked.
KRAMER
(To Jerry) No, I don't want it back.
PING
(To Elaine) Jaywalker. I could slap
suit on you.
GEORGE
(To Jerry) We got work to do. What about
the meeting?
KRAMER
(To himself) Hey, look. An hour with
Patrick Swayze.
JERRY
A month and a half we had. We did nothing.
I can't believe we put it off until
today and then we couldn't do anything
because Elaine runs out to apologize
to a virgin, crosses against a light,
and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy.
Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves,
we got nothing. You're not even in show
business. I gotta reputation. You drag
me into the sewer with you. I've been
on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word
spreads in show business? It's like
that (Snaps in George's face) , like
that! One bad impression, you're outta
the business!
GEORGE
All right, let's postpone it. Let's
get out of here.
JERRY
What do you mean? They know we're here.
GEORGE
I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out)
My back! My back! I can't believe, my
back.
JERRY
No, no, would you get up?
GEORGE
I can do this, Jerry.
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
All right, I'll tell them my sister
died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister
died. She was standing and then she
was laughing and then they SHOT her!
That's the kind of sick city that we're
livin' in. They shoot you for laughing.
I must go and comfort my poor family.
Jerry, take me home so I can comfort
my... my poor family.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
That's David Letterman. I just saw David
Letterman walk by. I'll be right back.
(He exits)
WOMAN
Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you.
(She exits)
JERRY
Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon
to his star. (Jerry enters meeting)
MAN #1
Hey, Jerry.
JERRY
Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you
all here. Hello.
RITA
Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson.
JERRY
Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell?
RITA
He, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem
on the set of Blossom.
JERRY
Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits)
RITA
Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him.
MAN #2
Where's George?
JERRY
Oh, he ran to say something to David
Letterman.
SUSAN
David Letterman's on the floor?
JERRY
Yeah, he just walked by.
RITA
Well, I think we should get started
anyway.
JERRY
Yeah, good idea.
RITA
So how are you guys comin' along?
JERRY
Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas.
RITA
Good. (Pause)
JERRY
Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant
and they tell you it'll be, like, five
minutes for a table and you wind up
waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes?
Well, we thought it would be very funny
to do an entire show where all you're
doin' is waitin' for the table. (They
don't seem to like it) Because we've
all been in that situation. You know,
you're waiting... and you're hungry...
and you bump into somebody you know...
When is Russell coming back?
RITA
So that's the idea?
JERRY
Well no, that's one. We have many others.
We have an idea where, uh, I get into
an accident with a guy who has no insurance
and the judge sentences him to be my
butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he
cooks for me, he has to cook for me...
He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping,
you know? I'm walkin' around with one
of those big neck collars.
MAN #2
Those collars are funny!
MAN #1
Once you see someone in those collars
you start laughing immediately. (George
enters)
GEORGE
You tellin' 'em about the butler story?
Is that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry
I'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell?
RITA
I'm Rita Kearson.
GEORGE
Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're
you doing, good to see you. Jay, always
a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses
her and then sits down next to Jerry)
Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's
beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside
to Jerry) I thought I was getting the
butler.
JERRY
Don't worry, uh, we'll find something
for you.
JERRY
So Letterman didn't spark to your idea,
huh?
GEORGE
No, he said there was nothing he could
do, and next time I should probably
break the Prozacs in half.
KRAMER
You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm
watchin' Jeopardy.
JERRY
Would you give him the TV back?
KRAMER
Oh, by the way, George. Susan called
for you a minute ago.
GEORGE
I bet they're probably doing summersaults
about us over there. You think they
get butler stories like that everyday?
(He calls Susan)
KRAMER
(To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee
up!
SUSAN
Hello?
GEORGE
Hi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's
going on?
SUSAN
What's going on? What's going on? I'll
tell you what's going on. I'm fired!
GEORGE
Fired? Why?
SUSAN
Because you kissed me. You kissed me,
you stupid idiot! Rita called Russell
and he fired me over the phone.
KRAMER
(To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee
up again.
GEORGE
But I had no... I didn't realize.
SUSAN
You didn't realize? How could you not
realize? You're stupid! You're a stupid,
stupid man!
GEORGE
I just feel terrible This is just terrible.
KRAMER
(To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha?
Ooh, yes indeed.
SUSAN
I'll speak to you later.
GEORGE
(Hangs up phone and pauses) this is
great! He fired her! This is incredible,
he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!
JERRY
Why did he fire her?
GEORGE
Because I kissed her in the meeting.
Russell found out, he fired her over
the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays
off!
KRAMER
What is here comes the judge, here comes
the judge!
JERRY
You can't break up with her now. Her
life is shattered. You got her fired.
You gotta be there for her.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
You gotta at least wait until she gets
another job.
GEORGE
Another job?
JERRY
Couple of interviews.
GEORGE
Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck.
Every time I think I'm out, they pull
me back in.
MARLA
Are you gonna leave after its over?
You know, if we have sex.
JERRY
What? Leave? Where? Why?
MARLA
You know, the apartment.
JERRY
Why would I leave? This is my apartment.
MARLA
Well what if it was my apartment?
JERRY
Who gave you this idea I would wanna
leave?
MARLA
Well Elaine said men like to leave after
it's over.
JERRY
Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock
into what Elaine has to say about relationships.
She comes from a broken home, and I
mean that literally. A tree fell on
her roof and cracked the whole structure.
Her parents got along beautifully, but
her house was in bad shape.
MARLA
Maybe I should get going.
JERRY
What else did you say to her?
ELAINE
Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight
dope.
JERRY
More like a dope was giving it to her
straight. Another cup of coffee with
you, she'll wind up in a convent.
ELAINE
Listen, there was a lot more I could've
told her, believe me.
JERRY
What is that about leaving after sex?
Did I ever leave with you?
ELAINE
You might've if I'd stayed. So you know
what? I got served with papers today.
Ping is suing me. I need your virgin
as a witness. You better be nice to
her.
JERRY
I was trying to be.
ELAINE
Look at George. (On the other side of
the restaurant) He lucked out, huh?
JERRY
Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured
Susan would break up with him? They
had a good thing going.
ELAINE
Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited
on, her family cabin's been burned down,
she learned her father's a homosexual,
and she got fired from a high paying
network job. Yeah, they had a real good
thing going.
GEORGE
What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer.
In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot
for NBC right now.
WOMAN
A sitcom? How can you write that crap?
Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom.
CAROL
A sitcom? Come on, let's go. (They leave)
WOMAN
A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually
tried to use it to hit on me!
THE END
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