THE VISA
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person
that knows the
rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the
game, moving our
pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer
is the only person
that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of
the fun things
for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your
Honor."
Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "Fraid not." To
which the judge
can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult
version of "Fraid
so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version
of "Duh."
First scene.
George is at the counter at Monk's, he's talking with an Oriental
woman.
GEORGE
So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases
do you handle?
CHERYL
Oh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration
and naturalization.
GEORGE
What is that, immigrants come over,
you show them how to act natural?
CHERYL
Are your friends as funny as you?
GEORGE
No, they're not funny at all. No, I
have no funny friends. I'm the
funny one. El Clowno.
Quick pan to the front door as Jerry and Elaine are entering.
ELAINE
Look, I was nice enough to pick it up
for you
JERRY
Hey, I've been back four days, I want
my mail.
ELAINE
It's mostly bills, magazines and junk
mail anyway.
JERRY
Elaine, that's what mail is. Without
bills, magazines and junk mail,
there is no mail.
Cut back to George and Cheryl at the counter.
CHERYL
Here's my card.
GEORGE
Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking
to you.
CHERYL
Nice meeting you.
GEORGE
Yeah.
Cheryl leaves, George walks over to the booth to meet Jerry and
Elaine.
ELAINE
Hi!
JERRY
Hey, how ya doin?
GEORGE
You would not believe what just happened.
I was waiting for you and
this woman was sitting at the counter.
ELAINE
What, the one who just left?
GEORGE
Yeah, yeah, and we started talking,
and she's this lawyer who's
incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed
at everything I
said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost
too good. I
started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know?
I got no place to
go.
ELAINE
Yeah, well, I guess it's all over.
JERRY
Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over)
Hey, Babu!
BABU
Jerry!
JERRY
Look at you, you got the job.
BABU
Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to
you.
JERRY
Oh, I didn't do anything.
BABU
Yes, you do everything, get me job,
you get me a place to live in your
building.
JERRY
Come on.
BABU
You very very good man, you do everything
for me. My family and I can
never thank you enough for everything you do.
Cut back to George and Elaine.
GEORGE
You see, this is what I do with women.
I start out too strong, now I
have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good
is real? They
don't want real, they want funny.
ELAINE
No they don't.
GEORGE
Ooooh, yes they do.
ELAINE
Nooo.
GEORGE
Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta
give them a big show. You
always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd
just go for a
better looking guy with more money.
Elaine nods her head in approval.
GEORGE
You mean that's true, I'm right?!
JERRY
Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything
worked out, Babu.
BABU
Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful.
JERRY
Ok, I'll see you around the building.
BABU
I'll see you *in* the building.
JERRY
Remember Babu Bhatt?
GEORGE
Who's he?
JERRY
Remember that guy who opened the restaurant
across the street from the
building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him
he should make it
into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business?
So, you uh, going
with me to the auto show with me Saturday?
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah.
JERRY
Can you bring my mail then?
GEORGE
What mail?
ELAINE
I picked up his mail while he was on
the road
GEORGE
Why didn't Kramer pick it up?
JERRY
Cause he's at that baseball fantasy
camp in Florida.
GEORGE
Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?
JERRY
Monday, I think.
GEORGE
Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole
life is a fantasy camp.
People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him
for a week. Do
nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors
and have
sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.
JERRY
Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with
this lawyer, why don't you have
dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with
her if you want,
you know, have a little company, take the pressure off.
George has a dream sequence where the four of them are at a dinner
table and
Cheryl is laughing hysterically at one of Jerry's jokes.
JERRY
...he never heard of corduroy!
CHERYL
Stop it, you're killing me!!
JERRY
He never heard of corduroy! True story,
true story.
Dream sequence ends.
GEORGE
No, no I don't think so.
ELAINE
Why?
GEORGE
Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one.
JERRY
I don't know why you want to play man-to-man
when you could play a zone.
GEORGE
She might not be comfortable.
ELAINE
Why? We're all very nice, we're very
friendly.
JERRY
We'll be funny.
GEORGE
No! No. It's not good, I don't think
so.
ELAINE
Alright, well if you change your mind,
we'll wind up as Isabella's
probably around seven.
JERRY
No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go
to Isabella's.
ELAINE
Why?
JERRY
No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's.
New scene.
George and Cheryl are at Isabella's.
GEORGE
Excellent. Like I really know what I'm
talking
about.
Cheryl laughs.
GEORGE
Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But
toast, I love. Never start the
day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.
Just then the headwaiter seats Jerry and Elaine at the next table.
JERRY
Look who's here! Georgie-boy!
What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's?
ELAINE
No, I talked him into it.
GEORGE
What happened to the auto show?
JERRY
Oh, we're still going, we're still going.
Elaine, do the spokes model.
ELAINE
The turbo quadramatic transmission offers
you the power and prestige to
propel you well into the 21st century.
Jerry and Cheryl laugh, George, unamused, tries pushing Jerry
and Elaine away
from their table.
ELAINE
Hi.
GEORGE
Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry.
JERRY
Hi, nice to meet you.
CHERYL
Would you like to join us?
GEORGE
Oh no no no, they don't want to join
us.
CHERYL
Oh no, it's ok, don't be silly.
ELAINE
Ok, well why don't we just put these
two tables together?
GEORGE
No, no, you can't do that,
they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.
ELAINE
Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story
you were telling me--
GEORGE
No! No.
ELAINE
No George, it's so funny. We saw this
cab driver's picture, right?
GEORGE
You know we should really order, the
service is so slow
here, by the time you get anything...
ELAINE
Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question?
Um, I'm being sued.
CHERYL
Oh? What happened?
ELAINE
Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin
and I crossed against the
light and I knocked over the delivery boy.
CHERYL
Was he Chinese?
ELAINE
Yeah.
CHERYL
Is your last name Benes?
JERRY
How did you know?
CHERYL
Ping is my cousin!
ELAINE
No!
JERRY
That's so funny!
CHERYL
I'm handling his case!
ELAINE
What? You're Cheryl Fong?
CHERYL
That's right!
By now, they're all laughing.
ELAINE
Oh my god, I can't believe it! That
is such a coincidence!
CHERYL
Yeah, I know!
ELAINE
Wow, well, I guess you don't have any
advice for me on how to win the
case?
CHERYL
Will you excuse me? I have to make a
call.
ELAINE
Tell Ping I said hello.
JERRY
Tell him you think you may have broken
the case wide open.
They all laugh as Cheryl walks away.
GEORGE
What are you doing? What are you doing?
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
This is not good. This is not good.
JERRY
What's the matter?
GEORGE
I just don't think it's such a great
idea for you to sit here.
JERRY
Why not?
ELAINE
He thinks that if you're too funny,
he might not look so funny.
JERRY
Biff?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
You're not worried about that?
GEORGE
No, of course not.
JERRY
I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?
ELAINE
He thinks that if a woman sees a guy
put on a better show, she'll walk
out on his show, go see the other show.
JERRY
Well, should we leave?
GEORGE
Maybe you don't have to be so funny.
I mean, would it kill you not to
be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks
I'm very
funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm
gonna be a short
bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.
ELAINE
This is so ridiculous. Can we just go
over there?
JERRY
I don't have to be funny, I don't care.
GEORGE
You don't?
JERRY
No way! It's completely under my control.
ELAINE
No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.
JERRY
Of course I can, am I being funny now?
ELAINE
A little.
JERRY
Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
George, is this funny?
GEORGE
It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't
kill you to not be so funny
either.
ELAINE
What? What did I do?
Cheryl returns.
GEORGE
Hi.
JERRY
Hello. Welcome back.
CHERYL
Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and
she makes such a big deal about
it.
ELAINE
Well, nobody likes to get old, right?
JERRY
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic
of how another year has gone by and
how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday
a better
self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake,
we know it's not
to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives,
this is who we are
to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No
such thing.
GEORGE
Funny guy, huh?
New scene.
Elaine is bringing Jerry's mail to his apartment.
ELAINE
Here, take it. I was glad to get rid
of it.
JERRY
Well thank you very much, it's about
time.
ELAINE
Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced
Ping to drop the case against
me.
JERRY
Drop the case? Well, congratulations,
that'll save you some money.
ELAINE
Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna
charge me a fortune.
JERRY
Oh great, a birth announcement from
Arnie and
Joy Harris.
They hear a noise from the hallway.
JERRY
Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening
the door) Hey!
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
I thought you weren't coming back till
Monday.
KRAMER
Well, the camp ended a few days early.
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
Uh, well there was an incident.
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER
I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
Yeah, I punched him and they took him
to the hospital and then they
canceled the rest of the week.
ELAINE
You punched who in the mouth?
KRAMER
Mickey Mantle.
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER
Well, you know, we were playing a game
and, you know, I was pitching,
and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was
up, and man that
guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
JERRY
Wow! Joe Pepitone!
KRAMER
Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own
the inside of that plate. So I
throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put
him right on his
pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the
next pitch,
he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.
JERRY
You plunked him.
KRAMER
Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat,
he comes racing up to the
mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha
breaks out
between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players,
and as I'm
trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know,
somebody pulls
me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him.
I looked down,
and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
JERRY
Wow, this is incredible!
A voice is heard from the hallway.
BABU
Leave me alone! You can't do this to
me!
JERRY
What's going on out there?
BABU
What are you doing? This is not right,
people. You're making a very bad
mistake, very bad.
JERRY
Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back.
ELAINE
Yeah, so?
KRAMER
Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming,
"Mickey! Mickey! What have
you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!"
ELAINE
So what'd you do?
KRAMER
Well, I got the hell out of there.
JERRY
They took Babu away!
ELAINE
They took Babu away?!
JERRY
Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa
was expired. Poor Babu,
everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he
had a job. What
a shame.
BABU
Jerry! Jerry! Help me!
JERRY
I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu,
don't worry!
KRAMER
Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing
me around, he trips over third
base and knocks over Clete Boyer.
JERRY
Uh oh.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Well this is interesting.
ELAINE
What is it?
JERRY
It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau,
it's Babu's Visa renewal
application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake.
KRAMER
Well, doesn't he need that?
New scene.
Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
If you had given me my mail last week
when I got home, this whole thing
never would have happened.
ELAINE
Well, you should have come to my house
to pick it up.
JERRY
Yeah, so am I being funny now?
ELAINE
No, actually, you're not being funny
now.
JERRY
See, I told you I wasn't funny all the
time. (George enters) Hey
George, look, I'm not funny now.
GEORGE
No, and you weren't funny last night
either. In fact, you got us both
so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner.
JERRY
Oh look, I need to get in touch with
Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his
Visa's expired.
GEORGE
What do you need her for? There's a
million lawyers.
JERRY
Yeah, but you said this is one of the
things that her firm does.
GEORGE
Alright, alright, but no funny business,
same deal as last night.
JERRY
Ah, will you stop it already?
GEORGE
Jerry, please?
JERRY
How long is this gonna go on?
GEORGE
Till I'm comfortable.
JERRY
Well, when is that gonna be?
GEORGE
After consummation.
JERRY
Consummation? I don't think you have
enough material.
New scene.
Jerry and Cheryl are at the coffee shop.
CHERYL
I actually have a friend in the Immigration
Department who owes me a
big favor. You're very lucky.
JERRY
That's wonderful news. Thank you.
CHERYL
You're a very serious person, aren't
you?
JERRY
Well, with so many people in the world
deprived and unhappy, it doesn't
seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.
CHERYL
I understand.
Jerry reaches for the milk for his coffee.
CHERYL
I think it's curdled.
JERRY
I don't care.
CHERYL
Do you ever laugh?
JERRY
Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the
tub.
CHERYL
That's so sad. What do you do?
JERRY
I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that.
(reaching for the check) You've
been so helpful.
ELAINE
Hey, we're gonna go see Babu
now, right?
JERRY
Yeah, I'll just pay for this.
ELAINE
Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl.
(walking over to the booth)
Hi.
CHERYL
Hi.
ELAINE
Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you
so much for convincing Ping to drop
the case.
CHERYL
Well, after we met, you were all so
nice. I just couldn't go through
with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through
the nose.
ELAINE
You're kidding.
CHERYL
No, I'm not.
New scene.
Jerry and Elaine are at the Immigration office.
JERRY
Babu!
BABU
Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry!
JERRY
You remember Elaine.
BABU
Yes, yes of course!
ELAINE
Nice to meet you.
BABU
So nice of you both to come.
JERRY
Oh, Babu.
BABU
No no, you're both very kind, very kind.
JERRY AND ELAINE
Oh, well, you know.
ELAINE
We try.
JERRY
We do what we can.
ELAINE
We do what we can.
BABU
The problem is I never got my Visa renewal
form in the mail. I was
expecting it.
JERRY
Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu.
Um, what happened was I was
away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.
BABU
Comedy shows! You're a very funny man.
JERRY
Well, Elaine here was picking up my
mail while I was away, because you
know that little box can get very full.
BABU
Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines,
everything. You know, I would
have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.
JERRY
Oh, I don't want to bother you.
BABU
No bother! You get me job, you get me
apartment, you very very good man.
JERRY
So yesterday, after they took you away,
I looked in my mail and I
noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in
my mail box.
BABU
Come again?
JERRY
You see, I've been home for a week and
Elaine didn't give me my mail
until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.
ELAINE
Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to
my house to pick it up.
BABU
You had my Visa application?!
JERRY
Well not technically.
BABU
I kill you!!
JERRY
Well what about her?
BABU
I kill both of you!!
JERRY
Babu?!
BABU
No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very
bad man! You very lazy bad
man!
JERRY
Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have
a lawyer who knows someone in
the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole
thing out, the
wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!
BABU
The wheels are in motion?
JERRY
The wheels are in motion, things are
happening!
New scene.
George and Cheryl are parked.
GEORGE
Jerry?
CHERYL
I'm very attracted to him.
GEORGE
You think the person you were talking
to is him? That's not even close
to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.
CHERYL
He never said anything funny.
GEORGE
He can't not be funny.
CHERYL
No no no, he's dark. And disturbed.
GEORGE
Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves
around Superman and
cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think
I was funnier.
That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed.
You can't
find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that
grows on trees?
Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine
article.
CHERYL
So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing
was an act?
GEORGE
Yes! And I put him up to it, because
I'm sick! I'm the one that needs
help.
CHERYL
I gotta go.
GEORGE
Well, should I call you later?
CHERYL
Please don't.
GEORGE
But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed!
I'm inadequate! I got it
all!!
New scene.
Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.
ELAINE
So, what's up with Babu? How come he's
not back?
JERRY
I don't know, I don't understand it.
Cheryl was supposed to take care
of it, he should be back by now. (Answering the buzzer) Yeah?
GEORGE
It's George.
JERRY
C'mon up.
They hear a voice in the hallway, Jerry opens the door.
JERRY
Babu must be back.
BABU'S BROTHER
Babu, my goodness, what has happened
to you?
JERRY
Where's Babu?
BABU'S BROTHER
He is in Pakistan!
JERRY
Who are you?
BABU'S BROTHER
I am his brother. He knew a lawyer,
it was all going to be
fixed.
JERRY
I'm sure the lawyer did everything they
could.
BABU'S BROTHER
Then where is Babu? What happened to
Babu? Show me Babu!
ELAINE
Snapple?
BABU'S BROTHER
No, too fruity.
Babu's Brother leaves, George enters.
JERRY
Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl
was gonna help Babu get his Visa.
GEORGE
She didn't help him?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Where is he?
JERRY
He's in Pakistan.
GEORGE
Oh boy.
JERRY
What do you mean, oh boy?
GEORGE
Well, last night she told me that she
liked you. Not you, the
disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.
JERRY
Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu
deported.
GEORGE
What do you mean, I got? You didn't
give him his Visa application.
JERRY
That's because she had my mail.
Kramer enters.
ELAINE
Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get
your mail if he hadn't gone to
that fantasy camp.
KRAMER
Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's
restaurant.
JERRY
How could you go in there?
KRAMER
Well, I had to. I had to apologize.
I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle,
my idol. It was eating me up inside!
JERRY
Well, what happened?
KRAMER
I got down in my knees and went, "Go
ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm
begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you,
Mickey, I love
you!"
ELAINE
So, what did he do?
KRAMER
Well, the four of them, they picked
me up by my pants and they threw me
outside, right into a horse.
There's a knock on Kramer's door.
VOICE
Kramer?
KRAMER
Yeah? It's my Chinese food.
Ping enters with a bag of food.
ELAINE
Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much
for dropping that lawsuit
against me.
PING
Not anymore.
ELAINE
What?
PING
Cheryl call me last night, lawsuit back
on.
ELAINE
Why?
PING
She call you and your friends big liars.
You think she nice girl? Wait
till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator.
She
never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages.
Hasta la
vista, baby.
Ping exits.
New scene.
Babu and a friend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in
Pakistan.
BABU
So his friend got the mail but she did
not give it to him. And then he
came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said
the wheels were
in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so
they sent me
back here.
BABU'S FRIEND
This is a terrible story, Babu. What
are you going to do?
BABU
I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday,
I will get back to America,
and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget
him. He
haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.
(Comedy club)
I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front
of the Statue of
Liberty, 'Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...',
can't we just
say, 'Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got.'? Do
we have to specify
the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, 'Give us
the unhappy, the
sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have
trouble
merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal,
they can't
parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if
they're clogged,
if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have
dandruff, food
between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no
credit, missed a
spot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional defective slob
that you can
somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.'
THE END
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