THE WIFE
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(Comedy club)
Of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning
relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving
each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again.
He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you.
It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as
you do...you oughta go shopping with him. 'What do you think
of this shirt?' 'That would look good with a light starch.' The
only warning label people really respect is 'dry-clean only.'
Y'know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings
- your very life is at stake! People go, 'Ah, the hell with it!'
But dry-clean only? 'Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean
only! Are you crazy?!'
Opening scene - Jerry and his girlfriend Meryl at Jerry's apartment.
Meryl comes out of Jerry's bedroom.
MERYL
Good morning.
JERRY
Good morning.
MERYL
How'd you sleep?
JERRY
Hey, you are the couch tonight, young
lady. You were all over my side.
MERYL
I was not!
JERRY
C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek
off the bed!
MERYL
By the way, you're falling way behind
on the 'I love you's.'
JERRY
No, no, 12-8!
MERYL
No, it's 15-8.
JERRY
I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying
to stay competitive.
MERYL
Alright c'mon, let's get some breakfast.
JERRY
Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll
try a sport jacket and scarf thing,
you know, like an unemployed actor.
(Goes into his room, and comes back
out with the jacket on.) Haven't worn
this one in a long time.
MERYL
Ooh, cashmere?
JERRY
No, gore-tex. It's new. (Checks his
pockets.) Hey, look at this locket.
What the hell is this? There's a picture
in here, look at that.
MERYL
Wow, this is really old. You don't know
whose it is?
JERRY
No, I haven't worn this jacket since
I got it back from the dry-cleaner.
Maybe we should ask him.
MERYL
Alright, we'll stop over there.
JERRY
Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?
MERYL
Pancakes.
JERRY
Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting
pancakes.
MERYL
I don't know that! Mark's Michelle
is a dog.
JERRY
But we can't both get pancakes, it's
embarrassing. It's like one step from
the couples who dress alike.
MERYL
I'll get the short stack.
JERRY
Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. (They
go out into the hallway and run into
Kramer and his African-American girlfriend,
Anna.) Hey, how ya doin.'
KRAMER
We just got back from breakfast. The
pancakes were dynamite.
JERRY
Hey, is that my maple syrup? (Kramer
hands it over.)
MERYL
You bring your own syrup?
KRAMER
Got to.
JERRY
You got a lot to learn about pancakes.
Jerry and Meryl at Marty the dry-cleaner's.
MARTY
This is my wife. She died eight years
ago. I been looking all over for this!
JERRY
Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket
on. But how did it get in the pocket?
MARTY
Well, see here, the chain is broken...it
must have slipped in when I was, uh...(gestures
at the racks of clothes behind him.)
JERRY
Oh, wow.
MARTY
I turned my house upside-down looking
for this! It's all I have left of her.
MERYL
Oh, that's so touching.
JERRY
Oh, come on!
MARTY
What are you talkin' about?
JERRY
It's silly!
MARTY
Hey, forget it!
JERRY
Get outta here!
MARTY
It's done!
JERRY
Alright.
MERYL
Well, I guess I get it too, because
I'm his wife.
MARTY
I didn't know you were married.
JERRY
Oh...yeah...you've never met my wife,
Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld.
MARTY
Sure, you get the discount, too.
JERRY
You might regret that, because the money
my wife spends on clothes...
MERYL
I'm taking him to the cleaners!
JERRY
Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere,
I'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.)
I tell ya, it was fun being single,
but when you meet a woman like this,
you don't walk to get married - you
run!
Elaine on the street outside the New York Health Club. Greg comes
out of the club.
ELAINE
Oh, hi Greg.
GREG
Haven't seen you in a while.
ELAINE
Yeah. Well, today was the first day
I worked out since the Central Park
Mini-Marathon.
GREG
You ran the Mini-Marathon?
ELAINE
No, but I exercised that day. (Laughs.)
GREG
Well, I gotta take off.
ELAINE
Yeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're
one of the few people who can say that
and mean it. (Laughs again. Greg looks
at her, unamused.) Um, do you have the
time?
GREG
Eleven-thirty.
ELAINE
Eleven-thirty?
GREG
Wait, ten-thirty. Sorry.
ELAINE
Oh.
GREG
Do you have to be somewhere?
ELAINE
No.
GREG
Then what are you doing?
ELAINE
I'm just waiting for my friend George,
we worked out together.
GREG
Oh. Well, it was good seeing you.
ELAINE
Yeah, nice to see you, too.
(Greg plants an open-lipped kiss on Elaine and walks away. She
looks after him with a puzzled expression.)
Jerry and Meryl having breakfast at the coffee shop.
MERYL
Uh, would you, um...can I...
JERRY
Pardon?
MERYL
The syrup. Would you pass the syrup?
JERRY
Oh, you want to try the syrup! (Meryl
smiles and takes it. The waitress comes
over.)
WAITRESS
Can I get you anything else?
JERRY
Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll
have a little more coffee.
WAITRESS
Okay.
MERYL
And a check for my husband.
JERRY
To my beautiful wife.
MERYL
To my adoring husband.
JERRY
Adoring? What about handsome?
MERYL
I like adoring.
JERRY
Sure, adoring's good for you, what does
it do for me? (Meryl laughs. The owner
of the coffee shop comes over.)
OWNER
Excuse me...where did you get that?
JERRY
I, uh...well...
OWNER
Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups,
jams or condiments in the restaurant.
(To Jerry) And if I catch you in here
with that again...I will confiscate
it.
JERRY
Well, I told my wife not to bring it.
Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
No, just Meryl.
KRAMER
Why, why? Why does she get it?
JERRY
Because she's my wife! (The door buzzer
sounds, and Jerry lets Elaine into the
building - Jerry: Yeh? Elaine: Meh.
Jerry: Eh.) And I'll tell ya, I'm really
enjoying this marriage thing. You think
about each other. You care about each
other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love
saying "my wife." Once I started saying
it, I couldn't stop - "my wife" this,
"my wife" that...it's an amazing way
to begin a sentence.
KRAMER
"My wife has an inner ear infection."
JERRY
See?
KRAMER
I like that! Hey look, will you do me
a favor? Will you take my quilt into
the cleaners for me, so I can get the
discount too?
JERRY
Oh come on, we're gonna start doing
this now? I can't be taking all your
dry-cleaning in!
KRAMER
C'mon, just this one time! It's expensive!
JERRY
Alright. (Elaine enters.)
KRAMER
Hey. Hey Elaine, what do you say if
neither of us is married in ten years,
we get hitched?
ELAINE
Let's make it fifty.
KRAMER
We're engaged! Alright, I'm gonna get
my quilt. (Kramer leaves.)
ELAINE
Alright, listen to this. Remember that
guy I was telling you about at the health
club?
JERRY
The fly-boy.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
Hey, where's George? I thought he was
with you.
ELAINE
I waited, he didn't show up. Anyway,
this guy gave me an open-lip kiss.
JERRY
So?
ELAINE
So? We've always just kind've pecked.
This one had a totally different dynamic.
JERRY
Really.
ELAINE
Yeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush
on my upper lip. But his lower lip landed
well below my rim.
JERRY
Moisture?
ELAINE
Yeah. Definite moisture.
JERRY
That's an open-lip kiss, alright.
ELAINE
Yeah. Listen, I think he's giving me
a big signal...maybe he wants to change
our relationship. (The buzzer sounds,
Elaine answers it.) Yeah?
GEORGE
Oh, uh...it's George.
ELAINE
Hey, what happened to you?
GEORGE
Nothing...little problem.
ELAINE
Well, what was it? I mean, I was waiting.
GEORGE
Can I come upstairs, please? (Elaine
pushes the button and lets George in.)
ELAINE
I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out.
JERRY
I don't know why you're interested in
this guy, he's a jerk.
ELAINE
Because, he doesn't pay any attention
to me, and he ignores me.
JERRY
Yeah, so?
ELAINE
I respect that. (George enters.) Mmm,
what happened?
GEORGE
Nothing, I... said it was a little problem.
ELAINE
Yeah? What was it?
GEORGE
Well...I was in the locker room showering,
and I...I had to go, so...
JERRY
Here we go.
GEORGE
Anyway, I think the guy in the shower
opposite saw me. He gave me a dirty
look.
ELAINE
You went...in the shower?
GEORGE
Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one!
(Kramer enters with his quilt.)
ELAINE
Do you go in the shower?
JERRY
No, never.
ELAINE
Do you?
KRAMER
I take baths.
GEORGE
Well, what was I supposed to do? Get
out of the shower, put on my bathrobe?
Go all the way down to the other end?
Come all the way back?
ELAINE
Ever hear of...holding it in?
GEORGE
Oh, no...no, that's very bad for the
kidneys.
ELAINE
How do you know?
GEORGE
Medical journals!
JERRY
Do the medical journals mention anything
about standing in a pool of someone
else's urine?
Jerry dropping off Kramer's quilt at the dry-cleaners. Meryl
is already there dropping off some stuff of her own.
JERRY
Hello.
MERYL
Oh, hi...honey.
JERRY
What are you doing here?
MERYL
I just thought I'd drop off a few things.
JERRY
Oh. (Smiles at Marty nervously.) Well,
I must have been in the incinerator
room when you left. Here you go, Marty.
(Hands over Kramer's quilt.)
MARTY
Another quilt? Huh? (Uncle Leo enters.)
UNCLE LEO
Jerry!
JERRY
Uncle Leo!
UNCLE LEO
Hello!
JERRY
Hello.
MARTY
So, if you or your wife want to drop
by on Wednesday, it should be ready.
UNCLE LEO
Your wife?
JERRY
Yeah...my wife.
UNCLE LEO
What are you talking about?
JERRY
Uh...I got married.
UNCLE LEO
You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody
sends me an invitation?
JERRY
Well, it was sudden.
UNCLE LEO
Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I
embarrass you?
JERRY
No, no, it was a small ceremony.
UNCLE LEO
Haven't I always been a good uncle?
JERRY
Yes, yes, you have.
UNCLE LEO
Who told you when you went to school
that you print well?
JERRY
You did, you did.
UNCLE LEO
When he was younger, he had a beautiful
penmanship. I used to encourage him
to print.
JERRY
I'm a good printer.
UNCLE LEO
I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect
triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! (Rushes
out.) Hello! Wait! (Jerry tries to catch
Leo before he runs off to tell him about
his "pretend marriage," but doesn't
make it.)
Elaine talking with Greg while he's on a Stairmaster at the health
club.
GREG
I'm glad you're here. This can get really
boring. Do you know where I can get
some good olives?
ELAINE
I can find out.
GREG
Would ya?
ELAINE
Sure. (Thinks - Ooh, a project. That's
a definite signal!)
GREG
By the way, you look really great in
that leotard.
ELAINE
Oh, thanks. (Thinks - That's no signal,
who wouldn't like me in this leotard?
I look amazing in this leotard.)
GREG
Hey, you know what's weird? I think
I had a dream about you last night.
ELAINE
(Thinks - Okay, he open-lips me, he
dreams about me, we have an olive project...that's
it, I'm asking this guy out.) Um, you
know Greg, I...
GREG
Can I have a sip of your water?
ELAINE
Oh, yeah, sure. (Hands Greg her bottle.)
GREG
Thanks. (Is about to take a drink, but
wipes the neck of the bottle with his
shirt first.)
ELAINE
(Thinks - Oh my God.)
GREG
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
ELAINE
It was nothing, forget it. (George enters
the gym.)
GREG
See that guy right there? I caught him
urinating in the shower. I'm thinking
about turning him in, too. (On the other
side of the room, George falls off an
exercise machine and gets his foot caught
in it.)
Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment. Meryl is lounging on the
couch, watching TV and eating chocolates.
MERYL
Honey? Could you get me something to
drink?
JERRY
You're right there.
MERYL
C'mon, I'm sitting! (Jerry walks to
the kitchen, annoyed. Meryl laughs at
the TV show she's watching.)
JERRY
Honey, what'd you do with the can opener?
MERYL
I didn't do anything with it.
JERRY
Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday.
MERYL
It's in the first drawer.
JERRY
I'm looking in the first drawer. It's
not here.
MERYL
Yes, it is.
JERRY
Hey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in
that drawer, there's no can opener.
MERYL
Did I say you were stupid?
JERRY
Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell
me there's a can opener in the drawer,
I'm looking in the drawer, there's no
can opener - what other conclusion could
one reach? (The phone rings.)
MERYL
Do you want me to go find it?
JERRY
Yes. I do. You show me where there's
a can opener in that drawer. (Answers
the phone.) Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just
fighting with my wife.
(Cut to Morty and Helen in Florida, each with phone in hand.)
HELEN
Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?
MORTY
Why the hell didn't you tell us?
JERRY
Listen, Ma...
MERYL
It was in here yesterday!
JERRY
Yeah, that's what I said!
HELEN
Who is she? When did this happen?
MORTY
I told her you'd get married. She thought
you'd never do it.
HELEN
Morty, you're talking too loud.
MORTY
I'm not talking loud!
HELEN
You're hurting my eardrum.
MERYL
Well, you must have done something with
it!
JERRY
I'm on the phone!
HELEN
Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's
her name?
JERRY
Mom, I'm not married.
HELEN
What?
JERRY
I'm not married!
MORTY
I knew it, I told ya!
HELEN
Uncle Leo said.
JERRY
I'm just pretending I'm married to get
a discount on dry-cleaning.
HELEN
A discount on dry-cleaning?
JERRY
Could you make a little more noise?
(To his parents) Listen, I'm gonna have
to call you later.
MERYL
Well, I give up.
JERRY
Well, whoopie whoop. (Meryl goes into
the other room. Kramer staggers in the
door in his bathrobe.)
KRAMER
Got any coffee?
JERRY
Yeah. (Kramer lurches into the kitchen,
trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.)
I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy,
why are you so tired?
KRAMER
My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry,
I can't sleep without my quilt. Like
the other night? I was cold. So, last
night, I turn up the heat - it's too
hot. I open up a window - it's too cold.
(Frantic) I can't get into a zone!
JERRY
What is that? (Points to Kramer's pocket
as Meryl comes back.)
KRAMER
Oh, I forgot. (Hands back Jerry's can
opener.)
Jerry and Meryl in bed later that night.
JERRY
Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener
stuff.
MERYL
Yeah, me too. Love you.
JERRY
Love you.
MERYL
Well, goodnight.
JERRY
Goodnight. (They kiss goodnight, then
promptly roll away from each other and
go to sleep.)
Commercial break.
Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day.
GEORGE
They could kick me out of the health
club if he tells them!
ELAINE
So what do you want me to do?
GEORGE
Talk to him!
ELAINE
How can I do that?
GEORGE
You said the guy gave you an open-lipped
kiss!
ELAINE
Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the
top of the bottle when I offered him
water!
GEORGE
Well, that doesn't mean anything!
ELAINE
Are you kidding? That's very significant!
If he was interested in me, he'd want
my germs! He'd just crave my germs!
JERRY
She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is
big.
GEORGE
Well, what about the open-lipped kiss?
JERRY
Bottle-wipe supercedes it.
GEORGE
Yeah, you're right, you're right. (To
Elaine) Alright, maybe he's not interested,
but you still know him - can't you just
ask him?
ELAINE
George...but if I ask him now, I will
have no chance of going out with him.
GEORGE
Why?
ELAINE
I...I don't know...
GEORGE
Aha. Aha. Could it be because you don't
want him to know that you have a friend
who pees in the shower, is that it?!
ELAINE
No, that's not it!
GEORGE
Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly
what it is!
ELAINE
Why couldn't you just wait?
GEORGE
I was there! I saw a drain!
ELAINE
Since when is a drain a toilet?!
GEORGE
It's all pipes! What's the difference?!
ELAINE
Different pipes go to different places!
You're gonna mix 'em up!
GEORGE
I'll call a plumber right now! (Goes
for the phone.)
JERRY
Alright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe
stuff here?
ELAINE
Okay! Okay! I will talk to him. (Kramer
enters.)
KRAMER
Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
Well, you gotta pick it up for me!
JERRY
Alright, I'll pick it up, but it's the
last time I'm doin' it!
KRAMER
I'm so tired!
ELAINE
Boy, you don't look good.
KRAMER
Huh? I don't?
ELAINE
No, you look pale.
KRAMER
Pale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's
parents today! (The phone rings.)
JERRY
Hello? Oh, hi honey. (annoyed, weary)
Yes, I told him. I'll get it. (George
and Elaine give each other a look, then
leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the
phone.) Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry...
Jerry at the dry-cleaners. Kramer paces outside impatiently,
waiting for his quilt.
MARTY
I'm sorry, it's not ready yet. (Kramer
bursts in.)
KRAMER
Not ready? It has to be ready! What
kind of a business are you running here?
MARTY
Who the hell are you? It's not your
quilt.
JERRY
He's a very good friend of mine, he's
kind've like an older brother to me...when
things don't go right, he kinda takes
it personally.
MARTY
Well, uh...maybe tomorrow.
KRAMER
Maybe.
JERRY
Oh, it's okay, it'll be okay.
KRAMER
Alright, I'm gonna see you later.
JERRY
Where you goin'?
KRAMER
I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember?
I look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning
machines.
JERRY
I can't believe you still do that. You
know those things are bad for ya.
KRAMER
Hey, that's how I maintain my glow.
JERRY
I'm goin' home. (Kramer exits. An attractive
woman enters the dry-cleaners with a
bundle of clothes in her hands. Jerry
notices her and waits by the door.)
PAULA
Excuse me? Uh, how much would it cost
to clean this?
MARTY
Oh, about thirteen dollars.
PAULA
Thirteen? Well, I can't afford that.
MARTY
Well, I'm sorry.
(Paula turns around to leave and runs into Jerry. They smile
at each other.)
Elaine and Greg at the health club. A sweaty Greg is exercising
on a leg machine.)
ELAINE
Hi, Greg.
GREG
Hey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second.
(Another guy approaches the exercise
machine.)
ELAINE
I got the machine next, buddy. (Greg
finishes up his workout and gets off
the machine.)
GREG
It's all yours. (Walks away. Elaine
looks at the machine, then George runs
over.)
GEORGE
What happened? Did he bring it up?
ELAINE
Never mind that, look at the signal
I just got.
GEORGE
Signal? What signal?
ELAINE
Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the
machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat
off. That's a gesture of intimacy.
GEORGE
I'll tell you what that is - that's
a violation of club rules. Now I got
him! And you're my witness!
ELAINE
Listen, George! Listen! He knew what
he was doing, this was a signal.
GEORGE
A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's
a signal?
ELAINE
Yeah! It's a social thing.
GEORGE
What if he left you a used Kleenex,
what's that, a valentine? Now you go
up to him and you tell him that if he's
thinking of turning me in, that I got
the goods on him!
ELAINE
No! I won't be a party to this.
GEORGE
So you're gonna let me get suspended
for shower urination?
ELAINE
Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting
me in a very difficult position. (Walks
away.)
Jerry and Paula in a booth at the coffee shop. Jerry is trying
to get the bundle of clothes from her so he can pay for the dry-cleaning.
PAULA
I won't let you do this!
JERRY
I want to!
PAULA
But it isn't right! I can't.
JERRY
Give me the clothes.
PAULA
Jerry, please. What about her?
JERRY
Oh, the hell with her. (Paula dramatically
flees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks
for a second, then follows her and catches
up to her on the street.)
PAULA
No, Jerry, please!
JERRY
I'm not gonna let you walk out of my
life.
PAULA
I can't fight you. (They embrace and
kiss passionately.)
JERRY
Do you want box or hanger?
PAULA
You decide. (Jerry considers.)
Kramer in a tanning booth at the health club. He lies down on
the tanning bed and bonks his head. Cut back to Elaine and Greg
in the weight room.
ELAINE
You're really working up quite a sweat
today, huh?
GREG
Yeah. (Spies the shapely manager of
the health club.) Oh, there's the manager.
Good. I think I'm gonna talk to her
about that guy, you know, we cannot
have people like that in here.
ELAINE
Are you sure you want to do that?
GREG
Yeah. He's disgusting! Besides, I'll
take any chance I can to talk to her.
ELAINE
You're interested in...in her? (Points
at the manager.)
GREG
Very.
ELAINE
Ah. You know, uh...I'm engaged. (preens)
Yep, gettin' married in fifty years.
(Snaps the straps of her leotard against
her chest and winces. George walks by
the manager.)
GREG
Oh good, there he is. I wanna be able
to point him out.
ELAINE
You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if
I were you.
GREG
Why?
ELAINE
Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't
it a violation of club policy to not
wipe down a machine after using it?
GREG
Oh, I see...you're friends with the
urinator, aren't you?
ELAINE
Yeah, well, at least he had a drain.
(Cut back to Kramer lying on the health club tanning bed - fast
asleep and snoring.)
Meryl picking up her clothes at the dry-cleaners.
MERYL
Here you go. (Pays Marty, then looks
at the clothes on the hanger.) Excuse
me, this isn't mine.
MARTY
Oh, yes it is. Your husband brought
it in himself.
MERYL
Really? (Takes her change and grabs
the clothes off the hanger.) Thank you.
(Exits.)
Anna with her family and friends at her apartment. There's a
knock at the door.
ANNA
That's him! (Opens the door. Kramer
stands there, deeply tanned and smiling.
Anna and her grandfather are shocked.)
Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment.
MERYL
You son of a bitch!
JERRY
I'm sorry.
MERYL
Who is she? I want to know who she is.
JERRY
It doesn't matter. I want a divorce.
MERYL
A divorce? Oh, so you can marry her
and give her the discount?
JERRY
Yes, that's right.
MERYL
What happened to us, Jerry?
JERRY
I'll tell you what happened. We got
married.
MERYL
I'm sorry, this is my fault. I pushed
it on you.
JERRY
No. I guess I just wasn't ready for
the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.
MERYL
Goodbye, Jerry. Oh, I forgot...(reaches
in her purse)...this is your maple syrup.
JERRY
It's alright, I want you to have it.
MERYL
Okay, thanks.
JERRY
We'll always have...pancakes.
MERYL
Bye, Jerry. (Exits.)
Cut back to Kramer at Anna's door.
GRANDPA
I thought you said you was bringin'
a white boy home! I don't see a white
boy! I see a damn fool!
(Kramer stands there, grinning foolishly.)
THE END
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