THE WIG MASTER
Written by
Spike Feresten
(Comedy club)
JERRY
I really like the wig historically.
I guess the revolutionary war, the last
war fought in wig, and it seems that
it must have been hard. You know they're
going in to battle, they think.. well
do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby
pins.. and you got to make sure you
have everything... lot more to worry
about What if I get killed.? Is my wig
on straight? I don't know when the whole
wig thing came in to style for men...
but I know when it went out.! When the
mirror was invented. No guy is looking
in the mirror powdering a patch of horsehair
on his head going ..All right! lets
go rap to the ladies..
(Andover shop)
JERRY
I'm looking for a crested blazer
CRAIG
A crested blazer..
JERRY
I've worn one once and I really think
it did something for me.
CRAIG
(turning around): Yes .I Think we may
have something.
(picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest....
That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world
famous
Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn.
JERRY
(softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers.
CRAIG
It looks fabulous on you... shall I
wrap it up?
JERRY
You know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you
what. I'll come back later with someone
and see what they think.
CRAIG
(doubtful) A Hum!
JERRY
Really I'll be back.
CRAIG
Yeah!
Cuts to Jerry's apartment.
George is pacing back and forth with the phone and Elaine and
Jerry are talking.
JERRY
So I didn't like the crest all that
much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes
with me so to get out of the store I
told I wanted to see what someone else
thought.... And then he makes a face
like he doesn't believe me.
ELAINE
Ah! So he knew that you were making
it up!
JERRY
Yeah..... He caught me. So here's what
I want you to do. Come back with me
to the store and we'll pretend to look
at the coat.
ELAINE
That's ridiculous. Why do do you want
to go back there if you don't want the
coat?
JERRY
Because he thinks I was lying and I
want to show him I wasn't.
ELAINE
But you were!!
JERRY
But if you go back with me, then I'm
not.
GEORGE
(still on the phone) All right fine....
Whatever
Kramer walks in.
JERRY
(to George) Problems with the house
guest?
ELAINE
What house guest?
GEORGE
This friend of Susan's is staying with
us for two weeks...Now am I wrong or
is that excessive?
KRAMER
Well Bob Sacamano he stayed with me
once for a year and a half.
ELAINE
Who is he?
GEORGE
He's a wig master
ELAINE
What is a wig master?
GEORGE
He's with the touring company of Joseph
and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
He's the guy in charge of the wigs.
JERRY
Boy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point
it becomes a career choice.
KRAMER
About some tickets George, you know
I'd kill for a peek..
GEORGE
(leaving) Yeah, Sure, sure ,,, I got
to drop my car off at the new lot.
KRAMER
Euh what...What lot is that?
GEORGE
Jiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five
dollars a month.
KRAMER
Seventy -five bucks a month!
GEORGE
Yeah and you get this really cool T-shirt
when you sign on..
KRAMER
Oh I'm down.
Cuts to the Andover shop
JERRY
(proud of himself) Remember me? I said
I 'd come back with someone and I did.
Surprised?.
CRAIG
No I believed you.
JERRY
Yeah.... well Elaine.
ELAINE
(looking up to the salesman)
CRAIG
Oh!... hello I'm Craig.
ELAINE
.....Hi.
CRAIG
well (picks up the blazer again) here
it is.
ELAINE
Oh!!.....Joseph Aboud .. and look at
this hand ticking around the crest.
CRAIG
You know your coats?
ELAINE
Well I'm in the biz .. I work for J.
Peterman.
CRAIG
I love J. Peterman.
ELAINE
(giggling) Ohhh!!.
CRAIG
I especially enjoy the catalogue, those
fanciful narratives really take me away..
ELAINE
Ohhh!! really ..well you know what,
I write those.
CRAIG
No!!!
ELAINE
Yeeeahh!!!
JERRY
(impatiently cutting in) Hey Elaine
What about the crest.? What d'you think
of the crest
here.
Elaine Well I love it...
JERRY
You what??
ELAINE
I think it's great. I think you should
get it.
CRAIG
Well .... Will it be check or credit
card?
JERRY
(giving up) Check.
CRAIG
I'll need you to write down your phone
number on the check for me. (turning
to Elaine)
Perhaps you could do the same.
ELAINE
(laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl)
Cuts to a street where Jerry & Elaine are walking
JERRY
You weren't supposed to say that.
ELAINE
But I really did like it
JERRY
That's not the point. You put me in
a position where I had no choice.
ELAINE
uhn... Sorry!
JERRY
And what about that guy asking you out
right in front of me?
ELAINE
What is the big deal!!
JERRY
...'s very emasculating, he doesn't
know the nature of our relationship.
You're
there approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How
dare he!!
ELAINE
He dared....
Cuts to George's apartment as he comes in.
ETHAN
(sitting in the couch and combing his
wigs)Hi George.. How was your day?
GEORGE
Good....good day (not too convincing)
You?
ETHAN
I am getting so much work done.....
See?
GEORGE
Very nice
SUSAN
(walks in) Hi sweety How was your day?
ETHAN
I already ask him that. He said Good...Good
day....
George scratches his head and the scene cuts to Jerry and Kramer's
hallway
KRAMER
(frantically pulling at his doorknob)
Thank god you're home. I'm wiped out.
I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment
keys off the ring.
So you got my spare?
JERRY
No I gave it back to you
KRAMER
y'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum.....
Can you take me over there?
JERRY
Oh Come on!!
KRAMER
Oh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over
to twelfth avenue..
JERRY
: I didn,t tell you to park in that
lot .. Now someone's gonna have
to drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus!
KRAMER
I'm not going to take the bus that's
why I got a car!
JERRY
Forget it.
KRAMER
Awright I'm gonna get George to pick
me up.
JERRY
He wont take ya..
Kramer picks up the phone, calls George
Phone rings at Georges and he's sitting between Susan and the
wig master.
GEORGE
(grabs the phone quick) Got it, Got
it,...Hello?
KRAMER
Listen, Can you take me over to the
Jiffy Park?
GEORGE
Yeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now.....All
right All right....Hey! gotta go.
Cuts to Georges car. Kramer changes the stations on the radio
GEORGE
So the Wig master.......the Wig master
said you could stop by the theater tonight..
and he'll show you around.
GEORGE
WOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!!
KRAMER
I like 'em all(still fiddles with the
radio)
GEORGE
Aw great. Now the volume knob fell off
KRAMER
(seems to pickup something on the floor)
....'s'this?
KRAMER
Gawd!!!
GEORGE
What?
KRAMER
That's a....ca.....ca..........Condom!!
They both shriek and the scene cuts to Monks
ELAINE
How do you like working there at the
.... hum...Andover shop?
I mean it'sa pretty swanky upscale clientele.
CRAIG
Hmmm
ELAINE
except for Jerry!(laughs)
CRAIG
So did you see anything you'd like....
ELAINE
Oh!!!
CRAIG
Cause I can get you a considerable discount.
Elaine Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing
little black dress...it was sleeveless....
CRAIG
The Nicole Miller
ELAINE
Yeah..Yeah...
CRAIG
I'll take care of it.
ELAINE
Really....but I barely know you.
CRAIG
Well...hum.....we'll just have to do
something about that. Won't we.
ELAINE
Ah! Ah!ah!
Jerry peeks into Monks window then comes in as Craig is leaving.
JERRY
Hey! Greg
CRAIG
It's Craig
JERRY
Ah! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine?
CRAIG
Yes lovely.
Jerry You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my
girlfriend?
CRAIG
Well I could just sense it
JERRY
Because you know we used to go out.
CRAIG
Oh ! you did
JERRY
Oh Yeah we went way out and wild.
ELAINE
Hey Jerr...
JERRY
Hi Elaine.
In comes a lady selling roses
LADY
Would you like to buy a rose for your
wife? ( to Craig)
Craig and Elaine both laugh
JERRY
How do you know she's not my wife?
Cuts to the Jiffy Park
GEORGE
I want to know how did that get into
my car?
ATTENDANT
Hey look ..You walk in to this city
you got to expect things are gonna
stick to your foot. You open in your car and Bing!! Condom.
GEORGE
That doesn't explain the lipstick on
the dashboard?
ATTENDANT
Here take a few shirts....
A man walks over the attendant and whispers in to his ears.
ATTENDANT
I'm terribly sorry Mr Kramer but we
can't get your car now, the keys seems
to have been misplaced.
KRAMER
Wait a minute I need those keys. I wont
be able to get into my apartment.
ATTENDANT
Aaye Mr Kramer....You like Cadillacs?
KRAMER
...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously)
Why ? What you got on your mind?
ATTENDANT
Take that pink Eldorado Cadillac over
there , it's a Mary Kay car....
KRAMER
Mary Kay uh?
ATTENDANT
Mary Kay car..
KRAMER
(to George) Well listen See you later
..thanks for driving me by..
Two prostitutes walk up to a car
HOOKER
Hey!! Whats happening?
GEORGE
We're gonna hang around here a little
while....something funny going on here
Cuts to Jerry's apartment
ELAINE
You were wrong about Craig . He's a
very sweet guy.
JERRY
Well, what about the ponytail?
ELAINE
what about it?
JERRY
: C'mon Ponytail ...Get real.
ELAINE
All I know he's promised me a discount
on that dress.
JERRY
Of course he did ..The guy's working
ya.
ELAINE
Ah! Jerry I've been around long enough
to know when I'm being worked.
JERRY
Have you slept with him yet?
ELAINE
I just met him this morning.
JERRY
It's been known to happen....... telling
you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna
dangle
that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot
in front of a mule.
ELAINE
. Well this is all very flattering...
JERRY
(interrupts)like a shark fisherman with
a bucket of (?) Ch....
ELAINE
Ok....
JERRY
(continues)Like a shrimp farmer....
ELAINE
OKAY!!!
Cuts to the Majestic Theater.
ETHAN
Well that's the grand tour ... Aw but
I save the best for last...
KRAMER
Oh yeah!!
ETHAN
Behold .. The Technicolor Dreamcoat.
Kramer Oooooh ...Pops .... Wow!! Spectacular.
Cuts to the Jiffy Park
GEORGE
S'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you
a few questions?
HOOKER
Are you a cop??
GEORGE
Oh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum...
I work for the Yankees.
HOOKER
Urghh They stink.
GEORGE
Nevertheless.. I was wondering if you
and your .friends are doing business
here at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people
call it? Turning tricks?
Anyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying
it's yours but.... I
want to know if I should just change parking lots.
HOOKER
Get lost mister, I'm trying to make
a living here.
GEORGE
I'll pay you for your time....I just
..I just need some information . How
much do you want?
ten....fifteen? You have change for twenty?
HOOKER
Fifteen?
SUSAN
(walks in) George?
GEORGE
Hi honey..
Hooker picks up the money as George looks embarrassed.
Scene cuts to George's apartment.
SUSAN
..So you're telling me the truth?
GEORGE
Of Course I'm telling the truth.
SUSAN
Because I have to be able to trust you...
If I can't trust you then there's no
way that
this can work.
GEORGE
Really!
SUSAN
Yeah.
GEORGE
Well then...then you really have something
to think about because.....you know
if there's
any doubt in your mind ....and.. and,, it doesn't even have to
be a big doubt, you know
even a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and.....
SUSAN
There's no doubt.
GEORGE
Because if there's any doubt at all
I...I feel we should cultivate it.
SUSAN
Cultivate it?
GEORGE
Yes, you know. Deal with it .We have
to deal with the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!!
Must be
dealt with.
SUSAN
I have no doubt George. Do you?
GEORGE
(hesitates) ...Nooooooooooo...
Cuts to Elaine and Craig waljing on the street.
ELAINE
You know... I can't wait to get that
dress..
CRAIG
Yeah... It should arrive eminently.
ELAINE
Arrive?
CRAIG.
Yes! From Milan.
ELAINE
But you said it was in the store!.
CRAIG
No no no We sold out we had to order
some more.
ELAINE
But I thought .. Nicole Miller was made.......
CRAIG
(Interrupts) Eeen!!!
IAN
Hey Craig.
CRAIG
Elaine this is Een.
ELAINE
Hi E-an
IAN
Een..
ELAINE
E-an
CRAIG
Een... He's a friend a mine from England
IAN
(word missing) What are doing?
CRAIG
I'm working at the Andover shop actually....You
should come by. I'll get you a
great discount.
IAN
Maybe I will. Nice meeting you.
ELAINE
Oh..Nice to meet you.
CRAIG
Bye
IAN
..Cheery-o
ELAINE
Bye Eeeen.
ELAINE
So you're giving him a discount too?
CRAIG
Hummm Why so surprised?
ELAINE
Hem!! No reason.
Cuts to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Kramer are watching tv.
JERRY
You know that clothing salesman had
a lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right
in front of me.
He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the
crest that nobody seems
to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket
back.. I'm putting this guy
....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION....
KRAMER
Heeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in
JERRY
Turn in?
KRAMER
Yeah,I had a tough day
JERRY
It's only nine o clock.
KRAMER
Well ..I don't argue with the body Jerry.
It's an argument you can't win.
JERRY
I can't go to sleep at nine o clock!
KRAMER
Well you can go to your room and read.
JERRY
Hey look ,you know, you're the one who's
locked out. I'm letting you stay here.
You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.
KRAMER
But I'm tired..
JERRY
Oh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's.
KRAMER
Aah! He's got a girl up there. This
quilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna
get cold.
I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna
sleep....
JERRY
Well that's all I got.
KRAMER
Can I sleep with you?
JERRY
Huh?
KRAMER
Well you got that big comfortable bed
and that nice warm quilt.
JERRY
Kramer , there's no way you're sleeping
with me.
KRAMER
Why?
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
Yeah!
JERRY
Do I really have to explain why?
KRAMER
Well I......( Elaine pops in at that
moment)
ELAINE
Hi!.
KRAMER
Hi...........What's that?
ELAINE
Squire's walking stick. I had to write
about it for the catalogue.
KRAMER
Wow.
ELAINE
You want it?
KRAMER
Yeaaahmm....
ELAINE
You can have ,I don't need it anymore.
KRAMER
Ooh Mama...( walks away)
ELAINE
Ok so ..I am positive you are wrong
about Craig.
JERRY
Yeah Why?
ELAINE
Because he told a man he'd give him
a discount too... a man Jerry.
JERRY
So ,Who is he?
ELAINE
Some friend of his from England.
JERRY
Don't you see?...........It's all a
big scam.
ELAINE
You're nuts!
KRAMER
How do you know he's not wondering the
same thing about you?
ELAINE
What d'you mean?
KRAMER
What do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks
that you're working him for the
discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings....
And then when
you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato.
ELAINE
Aawwh Please.....
KRAMER
Now see the two of you need to work
on trust... and then and only then will
there be a free
exchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship....and
now if you
would (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed.
Scene cuts to Jerry's bed. Lights are out. Kramer opens the light
and starts to read.
KRAMER
(softly)hmmm....patio furniture's on
sale.
Cuts to the Jiffy Park the next morning.
GEORGE
Excuse me...huh... I think I made a
big mistake. I'd like my deposit back
please.
ATTENDANT
Whats the problem
GEORGE
You got hookers turning tricks in my
car. How's that for starters.
ATTENDANT
Haaan! That is all hearsay.
GEORGE
Allright, very good I'd like my car
and my deposit back please
ATTENDANT
Can't do it'
GEORGE
Whadday'mean.?
ATTENDANT
If you read the agreement you signed
the deposit is not refundable.
GEORGE
Well does it say anywhere in the contract
about my car being used as a whorehouse?
'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either..
ATTENDANT
What can I tell you buddy. Take it up
with Consumer Affairs.
GEORGE
. All right , just give me my car and
let me get the hell out of here.
ATTENDANT
Well that's going to be a problem
GEORGE
Why?
ATTENDANT
It's all the way in the back. Can't
get it out for a couple of days.
GEORGE
What are you talking about.. I WANT
MY CAR!!
ATTENDANT
We ask that you please bear with us.
GEORGE
Bear with you! This is a parking lot
PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET
THEIR CARS!!!
ATTENDANT
Ideally..
Scene cuts to the Andover shop.
JERRY
Excuse me I'd like to return this jacket.
TELLER
Certainly. May I ask why?
JERRY
........For spite...
TELLER
Spite?
JERRY
That's right. I don't care for the salesman
that sold it to me.
TELLER
I don't think you can return an item
for spite.
JERRY
What do you mean?
TELLER
Well if there was some problem with
the garment. If it were unsatisfactory
in some way,then
we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into
any of our conditions for a refund
JERRY
That's ridiculous, I want to return
it. What's the difference what the reason
is.
TELLER
Let me speak with the manager...excuse
me .............Bob!
(walks over to the manager and whispers)
Teller ........spite.....(Manager walks over)
BOB
What seems to be the problem?
JERRY
Well I want to return this jacket and
she asked me why and I said for spite
and now she
won't take it back.
BOB
That's true. You can't return an item
based purely on spite.
JERRY
. Well So fine then ..then I don't want
it and then that's why I'm returning
it
BOB
Well you already said spite so......
JERRY
But I changed my mind..
BOB
No...you said spite...Too late.
Cuts to a terrace where Kramer is sitting with Ethan and a woman.
They make fun of a woman walking by.
KRAMER
It's Halloween (not sure)
CHARMAINE
Get a calendar honey! It's the 90's
KRAMER
Hey! Elaine..
JERRY
OH! Hey!!
KRAMER
These are my friends Jerry and Elaine.
JERRY & E
Hi! How 'r u doing?
CHARMAINE
Hi I'm Charmaine
ETHAN
I'm Ethan
KRAMER
Yes, she's the costume designer and
he's the wig master for the show.
JERRY
Hey You're staying with my friend George.
ETHAN
Right George! I get the feeling he doesn't
want me there.
JERRY
Well he doesn't even want himself there.
(They all laugh)
CHARMAINE
Why don't you sit down and join us?
JERRY
All right. (sits down)
ELAINE
I can't I 've got to meet a friend.
KRAMER
Well what are we ...dog meat.
Ethan (to waiter) ....Champagne Coolies , please.
ETHAN
(to Elaine) You've got really beautiful
hair.
Elaine Oh Thanks, thank you very much.
ETHAN
Have you ever thought about selling
it .It would make a brilliant wig..
JERRY
They make wigs out of human hairs?
Ethan ..And pay plenty for them.
ELAINE
Well you guys are gonna have fun here
so..bye take care
KRAMER
Yeah. See ou later..
ALL
Bye, now...
CHARMAINE
Oh! I just remembered I 've got to get
the Dreamcoat from the dry cleaners
Kramer Hey! You gonna let me try the
other one right?'
CHARMAINE
Yeah. But you gonna have to be really
careful with it , it's my only backup.
KRAMER
Hey! Who do you think you're talking
to.
CHARMAINE
Ok. Buh- bye!
KRAMER
Bye!!
JERRY
Bye!
(they both leave. Jerry and Ethan are alone)
ETHAN
There's your Champagne Coolie. Well
looks like it's just you and me cowboy!.
JERRY
...Guess so.
Scene cuts to Elaine's appt.
ELAINE
Well, Here we are.
CRAIG
I....am..beat.(sits on the couch)
ELAINE
(sighs)
CRAIG
Ohh! that's nice.
ELAINE
So.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas
when the Nicole Millers are coming in?
CRAIG
Oh! yeah. The Nicole Millers ...hemm..
Well the funniest thing.
ELAINE
Huh!
CRAIG
I've learned that the new shipment's
coming in by boat...
which does tend to take a little longer with, you know ,what
with the waves and all
.. So you'll just have to be a little bit patient .
ELAINE
Hummm.... so you've no idea when.. they'll
arrive.
CRAIG
(yawns) ...Nno....I really don't......
Back to the terrace with Jerry and Ethan
ETHAN
How can she go with a guy like that
, he's a mess... I just don't see them
together at all
A man approaches.
JESSIE
Ethan?
ETHAN
Yes..
JESSIE
. Hi it's me Jessie....George Hamilton's
personal assistant.
ETHAN
. Right, Right.
Both greet each other
ETHAN
How you doin'?
JESSIE
nice to see you..
ETHAN
This is Jerry.
JERRY
Hello..
JESSIE
. yeah , hummm ( turns back to Ethan)
Ethan ,what brings you in to town.
ETHAN
I'm touring with Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat
JESSIE
You're kidding... Listen maybe you and
I should...ehmmm get together . Have
you
been on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense.
JERRY
(Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me...
Are you asking him out ?
JESSIE
Yeah...I guess you could say that..
JERRY
Right in front of me!. How do you know
we're not together. Two guys ,sittin'
laughin'
drinking Champagne Coolies.
JESSIE
I dunno I just didn't think you were.
JERRY
Well we're sitting here together. Why
wouldn't you think that.
JESSIE
I dont know. I just didn't.
JERRY
Well it's very emasculating..
Jessie looks befuddled and leaves.
Back to Elaine's phone rings.
ELAINE
Hello.
BOB
. Hi this is Bob from the Andover Shop.
I'm trying to reach Craig Stewart. He
left this
number.
ELAINE
Uhmmm huh! Is it important.?
BOB
Well.....
ELAINE
Let me ask you something. ahemm..Do
you know when the Nicole Millers are
coming in from
Milan?.
BOB
Nicole Millers, We're not expecting
any Nicole Millers, in fact we have
too many as it is.
Elaine Well do you have any in a... size four.?
BOB
Yes several.. Just tell him he doesn't
have to be in tomorrow before Eleven.
ELAINE
(sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure
he gets the message.
Elaine then looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks They make
wigs out of human hair....And pay
plenty for them.
she then picks up a pair of scissors..
Scene cuts to a woman in a white coat and hat leaving a store.
Her hat gets caught in a gust of wind.
and starts rolling down the street. Kramer picks up the hat with
the walking stick and puts it on.
He struts down the street with the Dreamcoat/hat/stick looking
very much like a stereotype pimp.
He goes to the Jiffy Park to pick up the Cadillac
KRAMER
(looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh
Sweet Maria. Hey! lets go.
Out comes the hooker with a client.
KRAMER
Hey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey!
Where you going.
HOOKER
Hey. You just cost me some money Mr.(starts
hitting Kramer)
KRAMER
Cool it lady ( they struggle and we
here a siren)
POLICE
Policer officer. Freeze right there.
As the credits roll we hear an officer telling Kramer who is
to get his picture taken.
POLICE
OK Big Daddy. Take the hat off......
awright turn to your right...(Kramer
hesitates) I SAID TURN PIMP.
KRAMER
(cries) I'M NOT A PIMP!!!
THE END
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