THE YADA YADA
Written by
Peter Mehlman & Jill Franklyn
(Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.)
GEORGE
So, Marcy, you should've seen me in
the hot tub yoday.
MARCY
Why?
GEORGE
I was naked.
MARCY
Oh, George.
JERRY
I saw it.
MARCY
How'd he look?
JERRY
Okay. I wouldn't see it again.
MARCY
You know, a friend of mine thought she
got Legonare's disease in the hot tub.
GEORGE
Really? What happened?
MARCY
Oh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg
salad. I'll be right back. (She gets
up)
JERRY
I noticed she's big on the phrase "yada
yada."
GEORGE
Is "yada yada" bad?
JERRY
No, "yada yada" is good. She's very
succinct.
GEORGE
She is succinct.
JERRY
Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today.
(Tim the dentist enters Monk's)
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey, George, you know Tim Whatley.
GEORGE
Yeah, dentist of the stars.
JERRY
What's up?
TIM
I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.
JERRY
Excuse me?
TIM
I'm a Jew. I finished converting two
days ago.
JERRY
Well... (Thinking of something to say)
Welcome aboard.
TIM
Thanks.
GEORGE
Hey, where you just at the health club?
TIM
Oh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat
in the sauna. You know, it was more
like a Jewish workout. I'll see ya.
(Jerry and George give confused looks)
JERRY
Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's
already making Jewish jokes.
ELAINE
So what? When someone turns twenty-one,
they usually get drunk the first night.
JERRY
Booze is not a religion.
ELAINE
Tell that to my father. Anyway, guess
what? Beth Lookner called me.
JERRY
Ooh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out
hat marriage.
ELAINE
What are you talking about? That marriage
ended six months ago. She's already
remarried.
JERRY
I gotta get on that internet. I'm late
on everything.
ELAINE
Anyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie
have listed me a reference for an adoption
agency. They're trying to get a baby.
(Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the
same shirt)
KRAMER
Elaine, all right, who looks better
in this shirt? Me or Mickey?
MICKEY
We're double dating tonight, and if
we wear the same shirt we'll look like
idiots.
ELAINE
Hmm, turn around. (They turn around)
Both so striking.
KRAMER
Tell me about it. We just picked up
two women at the Gap.
ELAINE
How did you decide which one of you
would date which girl? (They pause then
look at each other)
MARCY
So I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own
business, and, yada yada yada, I get
a free massage and a facial.
GEORGE
What a succinct story.
MARCY
I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.
GEORGE
Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.
MARCY
Are you close with your parents?
GEORGE
Well, they gave birth to me, and, yada
yada...
MARCY
Yada what?
GEORGE
Yada yada yada...
KAREN
(To Mickey, wearing the shirt Elaine
looked at for them) I like your shirt.
KRAMER
Well, you too seem to have the same
taste.
JULIE
Well I like it, too.
KRAMER
Well I have the same shirt.
MICKEY
Yeah, well I'm wearin' it.
JULIE
I like your shirt too.
KAREN
Oh, so do I.
KRAMER
Oh. (Waiter approaches table)
WAITER
Anything to drink? Some wine, perhaps.
MICKEY
I like Merlot.
KAREN
I love Merlot.
JULIE
I'm crazy about Merlot.
KRAMER
I live for Merlot.
WAITER
We're out of Merlot.
AGENT
So you, uh, know Betha and Arnie pretty
well?
ELAINE
Oh, yeah, yeah.
AGENT
Do you socialize with them often?
ELAINE
Yeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually
Chinese, well sometimes Thai. And we
go to the movies, Arnie's a real film
buff.
AGENT
Oh.
ELAINE
Actually, I remember this one time,
um, this is funny. Um, we went to see
the movie Striptease. I don't know if
you've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway,
I was whispering something to Beth,
and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes,
"Would you SHUT UP?!" I mean, he barely
even knew me. Where did he get ah--
But they're nice people. (Elaine tries
to smile realizing her mistake)
GEORGE
Oh, you're in here.
JERRY
What're you doing here?
GEORGE
I knew you had an appointment.
JERRY
Well this is very awkward.
GEORGE
I'll leave when the guy comes in. I
gotta tell you, I am loving this yada
yada thing. You know, I can cross over
my whole life story. (Picks up dental
tool)
JERRY
Hey, you don't play with that. That's
going in my mouth.
GEORGE
Hey, what this thing? Whew!
JERRY
All right, that's enough. Now get going.
Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter)
GEORGE
Hey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal
for your teeth to make noises, like
a hissing or a chirping?
JERRY
George...
TIM
Um...
GEORGE
Fine, I'll make an appointment. (He
leaves)
TIM
All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here
we go. Which reminds me, did you here
the one about the rabbi and the farmer's
daughter? Huh?
JERRY
Hey.
TIM
Those aren't mahtzah balls.
JERRY
Tim, do you think you should be making
jokes like that?
TIM
Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?
JERRY
I know, but...
TIM
Jerry, it's our sense of humor that
sustained us as a people for 3000 years.
JERRY
5000.
TIM
5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give
me a schtickle of flouride.
JERRY
And then he asked the assistant for
a schtickle of flouride.
ELAINE
Why are you so concerned about this?
JERRY
I'll tell you why. Because I believe
Whatley converted to Judaism just for
the jokes. (Phone rings)
PHONE
Would you be interested in a subscription
to the New York Times?
JERRY
Yes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey
enter)
KRAMER
I don't believe that.
MICKEY
If you had gotten into the backseat
of the car we could've figured this
whole thing out.
KRAMER
Why were you holding the door open for?
MICKEY
Not for you! Who holds a door open for
a man?
KRAMER
Well, I thought it was a nice gesture.
But I guess I was wrong!
MICKEY
Let's just put they're names in a hat.
KRAMER
I don't even know their names! Look,
why don't you just take the one that
was on the left?
MICKEY
I'm not sure she was my type.
KRAMER
Oh, everybody's your type.
MICKEY
What the hell does that mean?
KRAMER
You've been married three times.
MICKEY
That's it, it's go time! (Charges toward
Kramer, only to be held back by Jerry
and Elaine)
JERRY
All right, take it easy.
ELAINE
Hey, hey, hey!
KRAMER
Come on, let him go. You want throw?
Let's throw!
ELAINE
Hey! Hold on a second. All right, look,
I got an idea. Why don't you just show
up early for your next date, sit across
from each other, and see who the girls
sit next to.
MICKEY
That's not bad.
KRAMER
All right, so we let the girls decide.
MICKEY
Yeah, why should we knock ourselves
out?
KRAMER
Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.
MICKEY
No, no one wears the shirt next time.
KRAMER
That's right, 'cause they already saw
it.
MICKEY
We'll look like idiots. (They exit)
GEORGE
Well, we were engaged to be married,
uh, we bought the wedding invitations,
and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.
MARCY
So what's she doing now?
GEORGE
Yada.
MARCY
Speaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came
over late last night, and, yada yada
yada, anyway. I'm really tired today.
ELAINE
Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up?
ARNIE
Well our adoption application was denied.
ELAINE
Really.
BETH
The adoption agent seems to feel that
Arnie has a violent temper.
ELAINE
Oh.
BETH
So we're just asking our friends what
they may have said to the adoption agent.
ELAINE
Uh, you know, I just told them what
kind people you are and, uh, yada yada
yada, that is it.
JERRY
How you doing?
FATHER
I have a discomfort in my molar. (Enter
Tim)
TIM
Well, the Curtis, why don't you come
in? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy.
Oh, which reminds me, did you hear the
one about the Pope and Raquel Welch
on the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you
later. (Exits)
JERRY
Whatley. (Like "Newman")
KRAMER
What are they doing here?
MICKEY
I told you we should've gotten here
a half hour early.
KRAMER
All right, all right. Now what're we
gonna do?
MICKEY
All right, don't panic. Let's just decide
now. Which one do you want?
KRAMER
All right, I'll take Julie.
MICKEY
I knew you wanted her. That's who I
wanted.
KRAMER
All right, I'll take Karen.
MICKEY
No, no, you think I'm fallin' for that?
I'll take Karen.
KRAMER
All right, which one is Julie? (They
walk over to the table and fight over
who sits where) Hey, you ladies look
lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle)
JERRY
So Whatley sayd to me, "Hey, I can make
Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic."
ELAINE
You see, I don't think it is a Catholic
joke. I think it's more of a Raquel
Welch joke. What was it? No, I said
hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys!
JERRY
Don't you see what Whatley is after?
Total joke telling immunity. He's already
got the two big religions covered, if
he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll
be no stopping him.
ELAINE
So what're you gonna do?
JERRY
I think this Father Curtis might be
very interested to hear what Whatley
has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.
ELAINE
(Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie,
it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might
wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye.
JERRY
They're not getting a baby so you're
taking them out to lunch?
ELAINE
Thought it would be nice.
JERRY
Poor Beth.
ELAINE
Hey, Arnie's just as upset.
JERRY
Oh screw him! (George enters)
GEORGE
Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she
tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late
last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm
really tired today." You don't think
she yada yada'd sex.
ELAINE
(Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.
GEORGE
Really?
ELAINE
Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out
to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we
went back to my place, yada yada yada,
I never heard from him again.
JERRY
But you yada yada'd over the best part.
ELAINE
No, I mentioned the bisk.
GEORGE
Well, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over
to bathroom. Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Well, I gotta do somethin'.
JERRY
George is already in there.
KRAMER
(Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't
work it out. You know, I'm thinking
of asking that Karen out by myself.
JERRY
I thought you were leaning towards Julie.
KRAMER
I was, but the one I thought was Julie
turned out to be Karen.
GEORGE
Well it was a helluva yada yada.
MARCY
He's moving to Seattle. We wanted to
say goodbye, I was just getting out
of the shower, and yada yada yada--
GEORGE
All right, enough! Enough! From now
on, no more yada yada's. Just give me
the full story.
MARCY
Okay.
GEORGE
Tell me about the free facial.
MARCY
Okay, well, like I said I was on 3rd
Avenue, and I stopped by a large department
store.
GEORGE
Which one?
MARCY
Bloomingdale's.
GEORGE
Very good. Go on.
MARCY
Oh, and I stole a Piaget watch.
GEORGE
What's that?
MARCY
And then, I was on such a... high, that
I went upstairs to the salon on the
fifth floor, and got a massage and facial,
and skipped out on the bill.
GEORGE
Shoplifting.
MARCY
Well, what about you? You told me that
you were engaged. What was the rest
of that? (Pause)
JERRY
Excuse me, Mother?
NUN
Sister.
JERRY
Sister, right. Do you know when Father
Curtis has office hours?
NUN
Well not until tomorrow.
JERRY
Hmm, I really need to speak with him.
FATHER
That's a kneeler.
JERRY
Oh. (Adjusts accordingly)
FATHER
Tell me your sins, my son.
JERRY
Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
FATHER
That's no sin.
JERRY
Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to
you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion
that he's converted to Judaism just
for the jokes.
FATHER
And this offends you as a Jewish person.
JERRY
No, it offends me as a comedian. And
it'll interest you that he's also telling
Catholic jokes.
FATHER
Well.
JERRY
And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope
and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
FATHER
I haven't heard that one.
JERRY
Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on
the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she
says, "Those aren't buoys." (Father
starts laughing) Father...
FATHER
One second... Well, if it would make
you feel better I could speak to Dr.
Whatley. I have to go back and have
a wisdom teeth removed.
JERRY
You know the difference between a dentist
and a sadist don't you?
FATHER
Um...
JERRY
Newer magazines.
FATHER
Now if you'll excuse me. (Closes door.
George enters confessional.)
GEORGE
Jerry, I gotta talk to you.
KRAMER
Hi.
KAREN
Hi, Kramer.
KRAMER
Got a minute?
KAREN
Uh, actually my parents are over, but,
would you like to meet them?
KRAMER
Sure.
KAREN
(Parents enter and are little people
like Mickey) Mom, Dad.
KRAMER
Hi.
ARNIE
Elaine, I have to ask you something.
What exactly happened down there?
ELAINE
Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked
to him and, blah blah blah, he asked
about you guys and, da da da da da,
more questions, bleh bleh bleh....
ARNIE
All right, shut up!
ELAINE
Again you are telling me to shut up?
ARNIE
What?
ELAINE
You yelled that time at the movies.
That's why you're not getting the baby.
ARNIE
Oh my God. How am I gonna tell Beth?
ELAINE
Look, I'll go down and talk to this
adoption guy and I'll make sure that
it all gets worked out.
ARNIE
All right, just don't screw it up this
time! (He exits)
ELAINE
See, again with the yelling. Not a fan
of the yelling.
JERRY
(In pain) Oh, are you about done?
TIM
I'm just getting warmed up. Because
I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.
JERRY
Huh?
TIM
Father Curtis told me about your little
joke.
JERRY
What about all your Jewish jokes?
TIM
I'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You
have no idea what my people have been
through.
JERRY
The Jews?
TIM
No, the dentists. You know, we have
the highest suicide rate of any profession?
JERRY
Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?
KRAMER
So, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up)
JERRY
Date with Karen?
KRAMER
No, Julie. She's the one.
JERRY
What happened to Karen?
KRAMER
Well, Mickey and her have a lot more
in common. you know her parents are
little people?
JERRY
Oh, small world. So little people can
have not little people children?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's
a mad scientist, Jerry.
JERRY
So you won't believe what happened with
Whatley today. It got back to hime that
I made this little dentist joke and
he got all offended. Those people can
be so touchy.
KRAMER
Those people, listen to yourself.
JERRY
What?
KRAMER
You think that dentists are so different
from me and you? They came to this country
just like everybody else, in search
of a dream.
JERRY
Kramer, he's just a dentist.
KRAMER
Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
JERRY
I am not an anti-dentite!
KRAMER
You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it
starts with a few jokes and some slurs.
"Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're
saying they should have their own schools.
JERRY
They do have their own schools!
KRAMER
Yeah!
ELAINE
One little baby, whatever you have in
stock.
AGENT
Miss Benes...
ELAINE
Look it, look it, Ryan. These people
are gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can
do this the easy way, or we can do this
the fun way.
BETH
Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but
you always said you'd be there for me.
JERRY
Well, what's wrong?
BETH
I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.
JERRY
Talk to me.
BETH
He met with Elaine, and I asked him
what happened, and he yada yada'd me.
I mean, could he be having an affair?
JERRY
Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody.
BETH
But we just got married.
JERRY
Well obviously that was a mistake. You
need to forget about Arnie. The important
thing is you're moving on.
BETH
Why would Elaine do that to me?
JERRY
Forget about Elaine. Let's just focus
on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and
Karen enter)
MICKEY
Hey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got
exciting news.
JERRY
I'm kinda in the middle of something.
MICKEY
Karen and I are getting married.
JERRY
Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just
fell apart.
MICKEY
(To Beth) How many is that for you?
BETH
Two.
MICKEY
You're a lightweight. Come on, honey.
ELAINE
Hey Jerry. What are you doing here with
Beth?
JERRY
Beth and Arnie broke up.
ELAINE
So they don't want a baby?
JERRY
(Shaking his head no) Pff.
ELAINE
(Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna
be sick. (George enters alone)
JERRY
Hey, where's Marcy?
GEORGE
She, uh, went shopping for some shoes
for the wedding and, yada yada yada,
I'll see her in six to eight months.
(Kramer and Julie enter)
JERRY
Hey, Kramer, over here.
KRAMER
I just assume not sit next to you.
JERRY
Kramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and
his parents.
ELAINE
Nice looking family.
JERRY
Very handsome.
KRAMER
(To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing?
MR. ABBOTT
Hey Kramer.
JULIE
Oh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this.
(She exits quickly)
JERRY
Hi, Mr. Abbott.
MR. ABBOTT
That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley
was one of my students. And if this
wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock
you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.
BETH
What was that all about?
JERRY
Oh, I said something about dentists
and it got blown all out of proportion.
BETH
Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails
out of med school?
JERRY
What?
BETH
A dentist. (They laugh)
JERRY
That's a good one. Dentists.
BETH
Yeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention
the Blacks and the Jews. (Jerry fakes
a smile)
ELAINE
Where's Beth?
JERRY
She went out to get her head shaved.
FATHER
We are gathered her today to unite this
couple in holy... matrimony.
JERRY
Those wisdom teeth are tough to get
out.
FATHER
Marriage is not an intervention to be
entered lightly... Yada yada yada, I
pronounce you man and wife. (They kiss,
walk toward exit)
KAREN
(To Kramer) I really wanted you.
THE END
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