"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 411
"4TH GRADE"
Written by
Trey Parker
STAN
Well, here we are, dude, the first day
of fourth grade.
KYLE
Yeah. No more getting pushed around
by fourth graders!
5TH-GRADER IN MIDDLE
Get out of my way, you little dorks!
KYLE
Hey! We're fourth-graders now, too!
5TH-GRADER IN MIDDLE
Yeah, but now, we're fifth-graders,
you stupid fourth-graders, so move it!
KYLE
Ungh, gay, dude.
STAN
Dude, we gotta find some third-graders
to beat up. Hey, come here
YOUNGER BOY
What?
STAN
What grade are you going into?
YOUNGER BOY
Thi-ird
STAN
Stupid third grader!
CARTMAN
Yeah, get out of here!
YOUNGER BOY
Uhuhuhow.
CARTMAN
There, that's better.
KYLE
You know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher
is some new lady from Denver.
STAN
Denver?
CARTMAN
U-hoh, dude, we could walk all over
her.
KYLE
He's right. We have to take a hard stance
right now and establish that we're the
dominant ones in this relationship!
STAN
Alright. Hey, listen up everybody!
We need to stand up to this new teacher
and insert ourselves! Let's all do something
radical!
CLYDE
Like what?
STAN
Like... ah, how about right at 8:35 we
all jump up on our desks and pull down
our pants and shout, "KISS MY ASS!!!"
all together!
THE KIDS
YEAH!!!
CARTMAN
Why, that's PERfect!
BUTTERS
Well, buh wuh when we pull our pants
down, should we stand frontways or
back? I mean, do we show 'er our... behinds,
or-ar our w-wieners?
STAN
...I think showing her our asses should
be quite sufficient, Butters.
BUTTERS
Uh-uh, maybe we could stand like this
, with our wieners pokin' through the
back of our legs, you know, and give
'er a nice fruit bowl.
KYLE
...Yeah. Or we could just show our asses.
STAN
Okay, so it's decided. When the clock
hits 8:35 we all stand up on our desks,
pull down our pants and yell, "KISS
MY ASS!!!"
KYLE
Together we are strong!
THE KIDS
YEAH!!!
CLYDE
Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling
his pants down.
STAN
We got you covered, Timmy.
TIMMY
Timmay!
[The bell rings again, and the kids enter their new classroom
a bit awed at the surroundings. Lab sinks and equipment line
the walls. New, modern desks greet them. An aquarium and some
modern art are also present.]
KYLE
Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom?
BUTTERS
Huhuh, look at all this stuff.
CARTMAN
Hey, what the hell is with these little
half-desks?
STAN
Dude, look at the walls. Everythng
is written in some strange, foreign
language.
NEW TEACHER
Alright, children, quiet down. Welcome
to the fourth grade.
KYLE
Holy God, dude!
KENNY
(Those tittes are fuckin' huge!)
NEW TEACHER
My name is Ms. Choksondik.
STAN
...More like, Ms. Makesmesick.
KYLE
Yeah!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Play time is over, children! Do you
understand me?! I don't know how your
last teacher behaved, but this is the
fourth grade! And it is time to go
to work!
CARTMAN
KISS MY ASS!!! Oh, weak, you guys.
Seriously weak.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Well, young man, I hope you have a
good explanation for this.
CARTMAN
Oh, I'm sure I do.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
This is the fourth grade! You need to
grow up!
CARTMAN
I'm trying.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Now, get back to your desk and write
a thousand-word essay on why you feel
you need to disrupt my class.
CARTMAN
Fantastic, then.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Now, let us begin our first-day exam.
SILENCE!
[South Park Elementary, outside. The bell rings, and the students
head out onto the playground.]
STAN
What a bitch!
KYLE
And did you see her lazy eye? You can't
even tell what she's looking at.
CARTMAN
You guys are all such pussies!
TWEEK
I can't take it, man! Writing in cursive??
Fractions?? I can't do i-it!
STAN
This is it. The end of innocence. This
is the loss of that playful youth all
our parents told us about.
KYLE
I just didnt think it would come so
soon.
CARTMAN
Yeah. Only now do we realize how much
we all took the third grade for granted.
KYLE
Huh?
CARTMAN
Everything was great in third grade.
And now that it's all over, we'er starting
to see just how special it was.
[wistfully]
Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade?
We used to laugh and play and cherish each day in the Third Grade
[a classroom scene, then a playground scene as heads of Cartman
and Kenny float by]
We learned wonderous things from a teacher so nice
[Mr. Grrison is dessed as a pirate before a happy class]
Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles
[Their desks turn into marshmallow seats and float up as the
classroom fades into sky. A teddy-bear face floats by]
The world seemed to all make sense
but that sense seems to slowly fade
[They float towards a rainbow and sun, and the scene fades to
black, then to the playground]
After Third Grade
In the Third Grade we used to write with crayons
[Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land]
We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue
[Cartman makes a glitter picture of a cow's face]
We had warm cookies and hearts full of love
[Kenny makes one of a clown holding a bloody knife in one hand
and a boy's bloody head in the other]
And there wasn't a care in the world of me... of you...
[Cartman sings to the audience and points]
There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade just to
go back for one minute
[Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land, then gives
each kid a happy spanking in a room full of huge gift props.
The scene fades to the playground again]
To Third Grade
[A moment of silence, and Clyde starts to cry. Butters draws
near and consoles him]
KYLE
Wow! I had already forgotten how great
third grade was.
BUTERS
Huh-it sure was.
CARTMAN
I wish I was sstill there.
STAN
Hey, that's it! We gotta go back to
third grade!
KYLE
How?
STAN
We travel back in time.
KYLE
Oh yeah, time travel.
BUTTERS
Oowuh how are we gonna do that? Does
it hurt? I don't wanna do it if it
hurts. Or if it... makes you get all sticky.
STAN
It can't be that bad. People do it on
TV all the time.
CARTMAN
Yeah, we just have to find somebody
who knows how to do it.
KYLE
Well, what about those two college guys
next door to me? They're always doing
science experiments in their basement.
CARTMAN
Yeah, if there's a way to travel back
in time, those two dorks will know how!
[The basement of the two college guys, after school. These are
computer geeks, with at least three computers in there. The blond
guy works on his nose as he talks.]
NERD #1
When it comes to time-traveling theory,
there are basically two school of thought.
The Spock Theory is that a sling shot
around the sun could create a wormhole
in which time could not escape. The
Lieutenant Commander Data Theory, however,
is that a nag vibration could create
a rip in the time-space continuum-
CARTMAN
Look, whatever it takes, we just have
to get back to third grade.
NERD #2
Time-travel is no laughing matter. Four
times the Enterprise went back in time,
and four times they almost didn't make
it back.
STAN
We don't want to make it back, we want
to stay there.
NERD #1
Oh.
KYLE
So can you do it?
NERD #2
It's all theoretical, but from a scientific
standpoint, the creation of a rip in
space-time is possible. We just need
to find an inertia device.
NERD #1
Heeeyyy. This kid's electric wheelchair
might be just what we need.
TIMMY
Tuh-timmih?
[South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria
and Mr. Mackey are talking to Chef.]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, this new fourth-grade teacher is
driving me nuts!
CHEF
What's the problem?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh, you see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has
very large, uh, honkers, and she doesn't
seem to like wearing a bra.
CHEF
You call that a problem? That sounds
like heaven to me.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
No, it's really not as nice as you might
imagine, Chef, m'kay.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Principal Victoria, I would like a word!
CHEF
Oooo! Call the doctor!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
My new students are the most misbehaved,
illiterate, brain-dead group of children
I have ever come across!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, Ms.... Choksondik, those children
did fairly well in the third grade.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
One of them is mentally handicapped,
for Christ's sake!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh? Which one?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
The one in the wheelchair! Look, I would
like to have a talk with their last
year's teacher! Who was it? Mr. Uh-heh,
Garrison?!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I'm afraid that's impossible. Nobody's
seen Mr. Garrison since the last school
year ended.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Why?! Where did he go?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
We... don't like to talk about it.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
But I need help reaching these kids!
I have nothing but the hghest expectations
for them. And with God as my witness-
THE ADULTS
Aww Oooo
MS. CHOKSONDIK
I'm going to teach these kids the wonders
of the world, so that they can reach
the top! I hope that sometime very
soon you will let me in on what happened
to this Mr. Garrison! And with that
I will bid you good day!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Wuh sure thing, fine, bye-bye then.
[South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, next day.
The kids are all in their seats wearing goggles and the two nerds
are with them]
NERD #1
Alright, when we power up, the handicapped
kid's chair will accelerate at a high
rate of speed about 10 feet that way
, then make the required magnetic vibrations.
NERD #2
If the fields are right, it should then
create a wormhole up near the front
of the classroom.
WENDY
You guys don't actually think this is
going to work, do you?
NERD #1
Now, eh, when you all see a wormhole,
yuh-you guys are gonna have about 4.2
seconds to run through it.
NERD #2
And on the other side you will find
yourself in the exact same spot, only
one year ago.
STAN
Back in the third grade.
KIDS
Cool/Wow.
KYLE
I can't wait until the teacher yells
at us this time, and we all tell her
to suck our balls!
KIDS
Yeah!
STAN
Oh! Here she comes.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, children, I hope you all did
your homework last night. Please pass
your papers up to the frontuh.
CARTMAN
Suck my balls!!! Oh, God-damnit, you
guys, I am so seriously-
MS. CHOKSONDIK
I said, pass your papers to the fronteh!
CARTMAN
We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makesmesick!
We didn't feel like it!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
It's Choksondik! And you are all going
to have detention!
CARTMAN
Hahaa! Charade you are, teacher! I'm
afraid we have different plans! Gentlemen?
NERD #1
Primary fusion initiated
NERD #2
Molecular grenadine active.
TIMMY
Aa-aa-ah!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
What are you doing?!
CARTMAN
We're going back in time to third grade!
Goodbye, teacher! Perhaps we shall see
you in another year! Hahaaa!
TIMMY
Timmaaaaaaaaah! Timmaaaaaaaaah!
NERD #1
I didn't think it would work.
NERD #2
Me neither.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Well, well, well! I'd say somebody has
some explaining to do!
CARTMAN
You're damn right they do!
KYLE
Dude! Timmy's chair is packed with all
that stuff! We've gotta help him!
STAN
Yeah!
KYLE
Come on!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Children! Children, come back here!
[South Park, the streets. Timmy is rolling down the street being
passed by honking cars going this way and that. Timmy screams
a frightened scream]
STAN
Timmy, you have to stop!
NERD #1
No!
STAN
No??
NERD #1
Look, the system malfunctions if he
stops. The nuclear core can bake his
magnetic field and the whole chair will
blow sky-high.
KYLE
What?! Timmy! You've got to get off
that chair!
NERD #1
No!
KYLE
No??
NERD #2
We've rigged the chair to be sensitive
to his weight. If he gets off, the whole
thing blows!
STAN
So if Timmy drops his speed below five
miles an hour the chair blow, and if
he gets off, the chair blows?
THE NERDS
Yup.
STAN
My God!
NEWS 4 LIVE UPDATE
ANCHOR TOM
It's been over three hours since the
police first showed up on the scene
of a handicapped boy's wheelchair set
with explosives.
[South Park, Tele's. The boys and the nerds rush to the video
window to watch the report]
STAN
Over here, over here!
ANCHOR TOM
The child can't stop or get off the
chair without risking explosion, and
so the SWAT team will now attempt to
disarm the device.
[South Park, a street. Timmy reaches an open stretch of road]
TIMMY
Timmi-hih-ih!
SWAT HANSEN
Closer! Don't worry, son. Just watch
your speed and stay still!
PILOT
Look out, Hansen!
SWAT RESCUER HANSEN
Oh!
BRUNETTE
Aaaah!
TIMMY
Timmaaay!
HANSEN
Dear Jesus! Hang on, lady!
BRUNETTE
Oh my God, what's going on?
HANSEN
Ma'am, be very careful! That wheelchair
is set to explode!
BRUNETTE
What?! AAAH!! Omigod! Omigod!
HANSEN
It's okay! Just stay calm and keep the
speed above 5!
BRUNETTE
O-kay. O-kay. Omigod.
TIMMY
Tih-Timmah?
BRUNETTE
Okay. I kept the speed at 5.
HANSEN
Good! What's the wheelchair's battery
power at?
19
46 ... 19:45 ...
BRUNETTE
Oh my God! Less than 20 minutes!
[South Park, Tele's. The boys react to the news]
STAN
Less than 20 minutes?!
KYLE
Oh no! What have we done?!
[South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria
holds up an oversize bra for Chef's and Mr. Mackey's appraisal]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Whattaya think? Too forward?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
I HAVE HAD IT!!!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Waaah!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
These children are out of control! I
must speak with their last year's teacher,
Mr. Garrison!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
As we said before, that's impossible.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
What in God's name happened to him?
CHEF
Uuuh, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Garrison had
several uuh, eee-motional issues. He
was a closet homosexual who hated gay
people. Whenever someone asked him if
he was gay, he'd go nuts.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
And then he was accused of trying to
solicit sex from a young boy.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
After being dismissed from teaching,
he went off to write romance novels.
His first novel sold well and everything
was fine until he found out that his
novel won the gay Pulitzer prize, and
was considered the best homoerotic novel
since Huckleberry Finn.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
He finaly snapped and had a nervous
breakdown and... went up into the mountains
to live in solitude.
CHEF
Some say that on cold nights you can
still hear him moanin', "I'm not gaaay!
I'm not gaaay!"
MR. GARRISON
Iii'mmm nnnooottt gggaaayyy!!!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
And, nobody has found him?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Well, we really haven't ll-looked.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
I see. Then the only way I'll find
the secret to teaching these kids is
to go up into those mountains and find
Mr. Garrison myself!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
But he could be anywhere up high in
those mountains.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Oh, I'll find him! Even if I have to
climb up and up and up!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
What?
[South Park, a street. Timmy and the brunette are still on the
open stretch of road]
BRUNETTE
Oh my God, Oh my God!
[South Park, a street. A field reporter is on the scene]
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside
of Denver where the darling handicapped
boy fights for his life on a wheelchair
of death. Guys, can you tell us what
kind of explosive we're actually dealing
with here.
NERD #1
Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen-fusion
core with a veltig reactant-
TIMMY
Ah, please help!
NERD #2
Which just turned into a time bomb.
TIMMY
Please help.
NERD #1
This has never happened in all the 72
original Star Trek episodes.
NERD #2
Yah... wait, you mean 73 episodes.
NERD #1
...No, there were 72.
NERD #2
No there weren't!
NERD #1
Oh, you are such a nerd!
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, I understand that now, the rescuers
are gonna try and send in one of the
handicapped boy's little friends, in
an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully,
disarm the device.
[South Park, a street. A SWAT truck full of rescuers passes Timmy
and the brunette and slows down to wheelchair speed. Kenny is
with them]
HANSEN
It's alright, eveything's goin' tuh
be fine.
BRUNETTE
Oh my God!
HANSEN
Alright, young man, when you get underneath
that wheelchair, I want you to relay
back to me with this walky-talky, and
then I'll tell you which wires to cross.
Ready?
KENNY
(Yes, sir!)
HANSEN
Go below!
KENNY
(Hi guys.) (Uh oh.) (Uff. I'm okay.)
(I'm oKAAAYYYYYYY!!!)
STAN
Well, who didn't see that coming?
BRUNETTE
Oh my God! Oh my God!
HANSEN
Stay calm! You have to stay calm!
BRUNETTE
But if we got off the chair it blows
up!
HANSEN
No no, that's only if the boy gets off.
BRUNETTE
Oh. See ya!
TIMMY
Timmih!
PILOT
Ten seconds, Hansen!
STAN
...nine, eight...
TIMMY
Please-a help me.
PILOT
...six, five...
TIMMY
Please help me. Please help me.
HANSEN
Got it! I think! Up, up!
TIMMY
Timmay!
NERD #1
Hey, it did work.
[South Park, a tall mountain not unlike the Matterhorn, next
day. Ms. Choksondik scales it, and reaches a plateau. Several
cats follow her up. She sees a cave and approaches it, then enters]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Hello-oo-ooo. Oh, what am I doing?
I'm gonna get myself killed. Is anyone
here? Mister? Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON
Who-? Who are you? What do you want?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
I am the new fourth grade teacher. I've
come to... seek your help. Please. I
don't know how to handle the new fourth
graders. I've tried everything. I need
to know how you taught them.
MR. GARRISON
No! No, I... haven't... taught in over...
eight... months.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach
these kids! You're my only hope!
MR. GARRISON
Do you know what it is to be a teacher,
Ms....?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Choksondik.
MR. GARRISON
No I don't! IT'S A LIE! You see? That's
what you get for bein' a teacher! You
work and you work for the children and
then people start rumors that you're
gay even though you love poontang!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Mr. Garrison, these children are depeding
on me to give them a future. I can't
do it without your guidance. Please!
Help me, for them! For the future of
our children!
MR. GARRISON
...Two hundred bucks.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
...Done.
[The basement of the two college guys, after school. The boys
show up again. Much of the stuff that was in the baasement is
gone. Soon, it is shown that the second nerd has moved out]
STAN
Dude! You gotta build us another time
machine!
NERD #1
Huh? Oh... Can't.
KYLE
What do you mean, "can't"?! You made
it work; just build us another one!
NERD #1
I can't, because pizza-face isn't here!
We're not on speaking terms! We got
in a big fight and he moved all his
stuff out!
STAN
W-what did you get in a fight about?
NERD #1
There's 73 original Star Treks! He keeps
saying there's 72!
STAN
Oh, Jesus Christ! You've got to be kidding
me!
NERD #1
No! He actually thinks there's 72.!
CARTMAN
Look, dude, can't you just build us
another machine without him?
NERD #1
No. Pizza-face took all his equipment
home to his mom's. Now, if you can go
over there and get him to admit that
he's wrong...
STAN
Alright, come on, guys. Man, I can't
bellieve we have to do this while Timmy's
already back in time!
KYLE
Yeah! Timmy's probably back in third
grade right now living it up!
[A tropical forest. Dinosaurs roam this land. A pteranodon flies
overhead as a triceratops chases Timmy]
TIMMY
Timmah! Timmaaaaahhh!
[South Park, the "Matterhorn," the plateau outside Garrison's
cave. Mr. Garrison walks around Ms. Choksondik as she balances
three books on each hand and one on her head while standing on
only her left foot.]
MR. GARRISON
Alright, let's try it again.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
"Children, we are now going to do math
problems."
MR. GARRISON
"But teacher, I don't want to do my
math problems."
MS. CHOKSONDIK
"Uuh! Ah, you will do them or else you'll
be in very big trouble!"
MR. GARRISON
"Well, I'm not gong' to do it, teacher!
You can just suck my balls!"
MS. CHOKSONDIK
"Don't use that kind of language, young
man!"
MR. GARRISON
NOOO!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
No??
MR. GARRISON
Look, you can't counter a profane command
with an idle threat! You must extingish
it with a vulgar suggestion! When a
child says, "Suck my balls," you say,
"Present them."
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Oh.
MR. GARRISON
Now, let's try it again. SUCK MY BALLS!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Pre-sent them?
MR. GARRISON
Good. Very good. You're ready to
move on to the next level. But I warn
you: we will now be diving deep into
your own psyche. These children know
what scares you, and so we, too, must
face those demons.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
I'm ready. I'm not afraid.
MR. GARRISON
You will be! You will be! You wil
be.
STAN
God-damnit, this is ridiculous.
NERD #2
What?!
STAN
Dude, can you please just stop fighting
with your friend and build another machine
so we can travel back in time to the
third grade?
NERD #2
Look! There aern't 73 episodes of Star
Trek, there are 72! "The Menagerie"
was a 2-parter that counts as one episode!
Pizza-face is wrong!
CARTMAN
Who the hell cares?!
NERD #2
I know! Why does he have to be such
a dick about it?!
KYLE
Wouldn't it be better to just agree
with him and forget the whole thing?
NERD #2
No, because he's WRONG!
KYLE
Look. You guys built a machine together
that can bend time. If you'll just agree
with him, you can build another one
and usher in a whole new era of science!
NERD #2
And live in a world of 72 original Star
Treks? I don't think so! I don't want
to live in that world.
CARTMAN
God, these guys are such geek dumbasses!
STAN
I know.
BUTTERS
Yeh-hah. They don't even realize that
"The Menagerie" originally was the pilot
and later got split up into two episodes,
eh ha ha. Ha ha. Hahahaha, eh the,
eh the dumbasses.
STAN
Wiait a minute! I've got it.
NERD #2
What?!
STAN
Dude, if you guys build another time
machine, you can travel back in time
and ask the creator of Star Trek how
many episodes there were!
NERD #2
Dude, Jesus, you're right.
[South Park, the "Matterhorn." Mr. Garrison takes Ms. Choksondik
to a gnarled, giant willow tree on a mountainside forest]
MR. GARRISON
This is it: The Tree of Insight. You
must go in and face what lives inside.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
What lives inside?
MR. GARRISON
Hel if I know. I wouldn't go in there.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Oh, alrighty. What the? Why there's
nothng in here but an exit to the other
side! There's nothing in here at all.
...Oh, and I actually thought my mental
demons would be in here. Wait a minute.
Maybe there's not supposed to be anythng
in here. Maybe I'm supposed to see that
I alone do have the strength to reach
the kids! I think I get it now!
MR. GARRISON
Hey, hurry up in there! Jesus. You're
taking too long in the damn Tree of
Insight! You in there?! Hey, where
the hell did she go? What the? Haaa!
Who? Who are you?
CLEAN GARRISON
I am you. I am your gay side.
UNKEMPT GARRISON
My gay side, uh- I DON'T HAVE A GAY
SIDE!!!
CLEAN GARRISON
You must face me at last.
[South Park, the "Matterhorn," moments later...]
UNKEMPT GARRISON
You aren't real! You can't be!
CLEAN GARRISON
It is me, your darkest fear. Your gay
self, incarnate.
UNKEMPT GARRISON
What do you want?
CLEAN GARRISON
I want you to not fight me anymore.
To accept me, once and for all.
UNKEMPT GARRISON
Why?
CLEAN GARRISON
Don't you see? All these years, your
pain, your confusion, it comes from
one place. Your denial of who you are.
Of who... we are.
UNKEMPT GARRISON
But I'm not gay! Everyone just thinks
I am!
CLEAN GARRISON
Oh, stop it! What about the time you
looked at Counselor Mackey's penis in
the men's locker room?!
UNKEMPT GARRISON
I was just comparing size!
CLEAN GARRISON
For seven minutes?!
UNKEMPT GARRISON
Aaa!
CLEAN GARRISON
And what about the time you masturbated
to the men's 100-meter swimming relay
at the Olympics?!
UNKEMPT GARRISON
I was beating off to the chicks!
CLEAN GARRISON
THERE WERE NO CHICKS!
UNKEMPT GARRISON
OH, DAMN YOU SPIRIT! HAUNT ME NO LONGER!
CLEAN GARRISON
ADMIT IT!
UNKEMPT GARRISON
NO!!!
CLEAN GARRISON
YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND
GET A G-
UNKEMPT GARRISON
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I ADMIT IT! I'M GAY!!!
I'm...gay. I'm gay! I am gay! You hear
that everyone? I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm
gay and it... and it feels good.
[South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, a few days
later. Where the chalkboard used to be are just some boards hastily
put up, along with a DO NOT CROSS line and three safety cones
to guard this makeshift board.]
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, children, I hope you all did
your- Oowhat is going on now?!
CARTMAN
Haha, Teacher, we're traveling back
in time to third grade!-God-damnit you
guys, you seriously said this time you'd
snap into it with me.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Oh Good Gravy, not this again.
CARTMAN
Yes! We've had a new time maching built:
this one out of a simple microwave oven
and a duck Au revoir, teacher! Perheps
we shall see you in the past, hahaa.
Gentlemen?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Children, I will have order!!
NERD #1
I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to
tell you how WRONG you are! Just like
when you said there were no two-parters
of Battlestar Galactica!
NERD #2
There WEREN'T!
NERD #1
The episode called "Gonzo on Ice Planet
Zero" was a two-parter.
NERD #2
No it WASN'T!
STAN
Oh, son of a bitch!
NERD #1
I'll kill you!
CARTMAN
There it is! Come on, everybody!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Children, get back into your seats!
CARTMAN
No way, lady!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Eric, I mean it!
CARTMAN
You can suck my balls!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Present them.
CARTMAN
...What?
MS. CHOKSONDIK
You said, "suck my balls." Well, go
ahead. Whip 'em out, and I'll suck 'em.
STAN
Thah... That's what Mr. Garrison would've
said.
CARTMAN
Touché, teacher. Touché.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Now, children, listen to me. Why do
you want to go back in time? Life isn't
about going back, it's about going forward.
Yes, there are times in our life that
we wish we could relive, but, if we
already lived them perfectly, why live
them again? The adventure of life is
that there's always something new. New
challenges, new experiences. A fun game
is a game that gets harder as it goes.
So it is with life. Do you understand?
STAN
Dude. Sh-she's right.
KYLE
Yeah. And you know, now that I think
about it, third grade wasn't all that
great, either.
STAN
Yeah. Third grade sucked! Cartman, why
the hell did you try to make us think
third grad was so great?!
KYLE
Yeah! You suck, Cartman!
CARTMAN
What??
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, students, that will be quite
enough! If you're ready, let's continue
on... with the fourth grade.
TIMMY
AAAAAAA!
KYLE
Hey, Timmy's back!
STAN
Dude, it looks like he's been all over
time! He must have such cool stuff to
tell us.
TIMMY
Eh, Timmih.
[South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Chef talks with Mr.
Mackey and Principal Victoria]
CHEF
You know I'm always here to help, Principal
Victoria.
MR. GARRISON
Ey, guess what everybody?! I'M GAY!!!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Mr. Garrison?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
What?
MR. GARRISON
I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
You admit it? You admit it!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison. You've
finally come to terms with yourself!
MR. GARRISON
Yeah, it feels really good!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, congratulations!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yeah, congratulations!
MR. GARRISON
You know, I, I feel like I can start
anew. If it's alright with you, I'd
like to go back to teaching the third
grade!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh. I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people.
THE END
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