"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 612
"A LADDER TO HEAVEN"
Written by
Trey Parker
LOLLY
Oh, hello there, kids! Welcome to Lolly's
Candy Shop.
STAN
We're the kids whose names you called
on your commercial last night. We're
here to do the shopping spree!
LOLLY
Oh that's great!
CARTMAN
You bet your fat clown ass it is!
LOLLY
Okay! Well I'll just need your ticket
stub.
CARTMAN
...ticket stub?
LOLLY
Well you know. When you entered the
contest you got the other half of this
ticket.
STAN
Oh shit. Who had the ticket stub??
KYLE
It was such a long time ago!
CARTMAN
Wu-we don't "really" need the ticket
stub, do we?
LOLLY
Don't need the ticket stub?? Are you
high?? How else do I know you're the
winners?
STAN
Because our names were called on the
commercial last night!
LOLLY
Sh-orry boys. No ticket stub, no candy
shopping spree. If you find it, you
can come back, but you only have one
week to claim the prize. That's called
"The Ticking Clock." Works great in
the movies.
CARTMAN
GODDAMNIT!!!
STAN
We're gotta find that ticket!
KYLE
Which one of us took it?! It was so
long ago, I c- I can't remember.
CARTMAN
You guys we've got to focus! We've got
to focus, and remember.
[Lolly's Candy Factory, over a year ago. Kenny is still alive
back then.]
LOLLY
All right. There you go. Hold on to
that ticket stub. You'll need it to
claim your prize. Shign up for the
five-minute shopping spree!!
STAN
You hold on to this, Cartman. I might
lose it.
CARTMAN
Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep
track of it, Kyle.
KYLE
Okay. N-no, ah I don't want that much
responsibility. Here, you hold on to
it, Kenny.
KENNY
(Okay.)
[back to the present. The boys realize Kenny was the last to
hold the stub as their mouths open.]
CARTMAN
Kenny!!!
STAN, KYLE
AAAHHH!!
[Kenny's house, later. The boys arrive gasping for air and Kyle
rings the doorbell.]
STUART
Yes?
STAN
Where's Kenny??
STUART
Uh... boys... Kenny died ...last December.
Don't you remember?
KYLE
We know he's dead. We mean, where is
his body??
KENNY'S MOM
His body? Well, why??
CARTMAN
Because he has the God-damned ticket
for the-!
STAN
Uh, look. We just really miss our friend
and, ah, andand we need to see his remains
for closure.
KYLE
Yeah. Closure.
CARTMAN
What the fuck is closure?!
KENNY'S MOM
Oh all right boys. Come on in.
[Kenny's house, inside. The boys follow the parents through the
house]
STUART
We haven't seen you boys for so long,
we thought you'd forgotten all about
him.
KENNY'S MOM
Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny.
CARTMAN
You turned him into a teapot?
STUART
No. That's an urn, boys. Kenny's inside
it.
KENNY'S MOM
Your friends are here to see you, Kenny.
They miss you an awful lot, like we
all do.
STUART
Thang-thanks for coming by, boys. Ih-ih,
it means a lot to us. Aw now, honey.
[Kenny's house, nighttime, living room. A circle appears on a
window and that piece of window is removed. Cartman sets the
circle down and looks around. He reaches up to open the window
latch, then opens the window door. He slips in and goes for the
urn. He pulls out a fake detector and moves it around]
CARTMAN
Wewewewewewe...
STAN
Did you get it?
CARTMAN
Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards.
Wewewewewewe...
KYLE
There's not gonna be any robot guards,
retard! Just get Kenny!
ROBOT GUARD
Wewewewewewe...
[Cartman's house, night, kitchen. The boys rush to the counter
and climb up on the stools]
KYLE
Alright, we made it!
STAN
Kenny'd better have the ticket stub
with him in there!
KYLE
Let him out, Cartman!
CARTMAN
...Kenny? Kenny?!
KYLE
Is he in there?
STAN
I can't see.
CARTMAN
What the hell is this?! Chocolate milk
mix?!
KYLE
I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that tea
pot!
STAN
It wa a trick!
CARTMAN
God-damnit! This isn't even GOOD chocolate
milk mix!
STAN
Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty
hard about now! We're dumb enough to
believe Kenny's body could be in a teapot!
KYLE
Why would they play such a cruel joke
on us?
CARTMAN
Egh, because they're poor, Kyle! Poor
people don't have anything better to
do than piss other people off! Don't
you watch Springer?!
STAN
We just have to face it. We're not gonna
get Kenny back and we're not goona have
our shopping spree. It's over!
KYLE
God-damnit! There has to be a way!
CARTMAN
Hmmm. Hmm, not bad.
[Cartman's room, night. The empty glass sits on his nightstand.
The camera zooms out to show Cartman sleeping with Clyde Frog.
Cartman tosses in his bed and his dream appears. A circle appears.
Outisde of the circle is a lining to a jacket. Inside is someone's
point of view. The surroundings seen in that circle indicates
that this is Kenny's point of view. Kenny seems to be walking
around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door,
and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.]
KENNY'S MOM
Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late
for school!
CARTMAN
Huh! ... I don't think that chocolate
milk mix agreed with my stomach.
STAN
Cartman, come on!
CARTMAN
What what? Jesus, you buttholes! It's
six in the morning!
STAN
Kyle figured out a way to get our winning
ticket stub back from Kenny!
CARTMAN
How?
KYLE
A ladder to heaven. We build it, climb
up, and get our winning ticket back
from that asshole Kenny.
[Stan's house, day. The blueprints are in place on an easel.
The design is a slender tower rising some 120 feet into the sky.
The camera pulls back to show the boys hammering boards into
place. Stan's parents step outside to see the construction.]
RANDY
Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse
you should start with the floor.
STAN
We're not building a clubhouse, we're
building a ladder to heaven.
RANDY
A ladder to heaven? Why, son?
STAN
Because we wanna see Kenny again.
SHARON
Oh... oh, that's so sweet.
RANDY
That's the ...s-s-saddest thing I've
ever heard.
JIMBO
Hey Randy, can I borrow your uh...
What the hell are they doing?
RANDY
The boys wanna see their dead friend
Kenny again, Jimbo, so they're... building
a ladder to heaven.
JIMBO
Awwww.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, I think you've bothered the Marshes
enough.
RANDY
No, it's... alright, Sheila. The boys
were just... building a ladder to heaven
to see their old friend, Kenny.
JIMBO
A ladder tuh... Oh... oh God.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, that's so touching.
[Behind Stan's house, day. A reporter has arrived and now begins
his report]
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,
where last December, eight-year-old
Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness.
But now, that little boy's three closest
friends miss their friend so much that
they are building a ladder to heaven,
in order to- a ladder to heaven in
order to try to see him again. It's
so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom. Here's
what some people had to say.
RANDY MARSH
Well, our son just said to us that he
really needed to see his little friend
Kenny again and... and that he thought
it would work... if he... built the
ladder to heaven.
KYLE'S MOTHER
They just believe in their little hearts
that it will work. We can't tell them
it won't, we just can't!
JIMBO
It shows how beautiful the innocence
of a child really is.
MR. GARRISON
A ladder to heaven? That's fuckin' stupid.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
These boys symbolize how we all feel
about loss. Who are we to tell them
it's impossible?
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, people from all over the- Sorry.
People from all over the country are
coming to see the ladder, feeling a
connection to its symbolism, and beauty.
Even country singer Alan Jackson has
shown up with a song he has written
about the ladder. Alan Jackson is,
of course, the man who wrote the song,
"Where Were You When the World Stopped
Turning," about the tragedies on September
11. And now he's here once again to
capitalize on people's emotions. Let's
listen in.
ALAN JACKSON
Where were you when they built the ladder
to heaven?
Did it make you feel like cryin', or did you think it was kind
of gay?
TOWNSMAN
What a beautiful song.
ALAN JACKSON
Well I, for one, believe in the ladder
to heaven.
Oh yeah yeah yeah. 9-11 [the townsfolk begin to cry]
I said 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, Ni-hi, hi-hine___
Eleven. [the song ends]
Thank you! I have a new CD out with all my 9-11 songs for sale
right here! [the crowd rushes in to get copies of the CD. Jackson
is pleased at the interest. The boys resume their construction.
Stan and Kyle are hammering away at the top of the ladder. Cartman
hustles up the ladder with a car seat]
KYLE
Oh good! Cartman's back from the junkyard.
CARTMAN
I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's
car.
STAN
Mr. Garrison threw away his car?
CARTMAN
...No. Ey! Euuugh.
[Flashback #2 - resumes where the first one left off. Kenny seems
to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and
opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.]
KENNY'S MOM
Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late
for school!
STUART
Kenny, do you by any chance know what
happened to my Playboys? Kenny?! Answer
me!!
KYLE
Cartman? Cartman?!
CARTMAN
Wha-uh, what?? What?
KYLE
Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?!
CARTMAN
I don't know. It's like my brain just
keeps... jacking off.
KYLE
Maybe you got brain cancer.
CARTMAN
Do you think?
STAN
Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman!
You're gonna fall off and break it!
[SNN newscast. Graphics are shown indicating 74% of Americans
believe in the ladder]
SNN REPORTER
The nation is rallying behind three
sweet boys in Colorado who are building
a ladder to heaven to be with their
dead friend. It's making Americans
start to believe in heaven, again.
WOMAN 1
Well when I see how this ladder has
brought people together, how... how
it has changed America, I mean, how
can I not believe?
SNN REPORTER
Ha do YOU actually believe in the ladder
to heaven?
FAT MAN
If... heaven is an eight-year-old boy,
and the ladder is my penis... and the
pearly gates are the-
SNN REPORTER
Uh, meanwhile, the American economy
cont- wait. Wait. Wait a minute. We
are getting reports now that Ja-pan
is building their own ladder to heaven
to compete with the US's's. Let's go
live to SNN correspondent Nobuhiro Sabasurisurijuwa.
SNN CORRESPONDENT
This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting
rive from Tokyo, where Japan has started
buirding its own radder to hayben.
Ahready, the Japanese radder extend
faaar into space and it's growing by
a-one thousand miles every day. As
the endeavor continues it is becoing
clear that Japan will reach a-hayben
before the United States.
[South Park, just past sunset. The neighbors have gathered around
the ladder in Stan's back yard and are now singing]
NEIGHBORS
Nahurabo Nahurabo
STAN
Excuse me. Excuse me! Uh, we ran out
of stuff. We ran out of stuff to build
theh ladder with.
MAN 1
Oh no!
WOMAN 2
Oh Jesus, no!
ALAN JACKSON
Where were you when they ran out of
stuff to build the ladder to heaven?
STAN
We can keep going, but we need to start
tearing down houses for wood.
RANDY
No! Agh, look, I, I think maybe this
has gone on far enough.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah... Ih it's time we told the boys
the truth, that they aren't really going
to get to heaven.
MAN 2
Wait! Look!
GENERAL
We've come to help you beat those Japs,
boys! There won't be anyone stopping
this great ladder from being built today!
Alpha Team! Get that support structure
up! Ciranom's Team! Get us photos and
recon!
SOLDIERS
Yes sir!
ALAN JACKSON
Where were you when they saved that
ladder to heaven?
KYLE
Man, I can't believe how much people
want us to get our winning ticket back.
CARTMAN
Candy-shopping sprees have that effect
on people, Kyle.
[South Park, next day. The boys resume building the ladder, and
they almost break through the cloud above them. Stan is the first
to peer over the clouds. Kyle soon joins him.]
KYLE
Do you see anything?
STAN
No. Hello?? Kenny?? God??
KYLE
Grandma??
CARTMAN
Aw, don't tell me we haven't even reached
the cloud city yet!
STAN
No cloud city, not even a giant. Heaven
must still be a long way off.
CARTMAN
Alright, look. I didn't wanna have to
say this, but I think maybe we're not
seeing heaven because one of us doesn't
believe in it enough.
KYLE
Huh?
CARTMAN
Heaven could be like the pixie faeries
of Bubble Yum Forest. You only see them
if you really believe in them.
STAN
What??
CARTMAN
You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven
because one of us is a J-O-O.
KYLE
What does me being a Jew have to do
with anything?!
CARTMAN
Because Jews don't believe in heaven!
KYLE
Yes we do! Just not the Christian heaven!
CARTMAN
Right. Your idea of heaven is getting
five dollars off your matzah ball soup
at Barney's Beanery by lying about a
hair in it.
KYLE
HAAHH!!!
CARTMAN
AH!
[Flashback #2 - Kenny arrives at the bus stop.]
KYLE
Hey Kenny.
STAN
Hey Kenny.
KENNY
(Hey you guys. What's goin' on, man?)
CARTMAN
In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He was
born where hungry children cry, kickin',
his whole family resides in the ghetto,
in the ghetto
KENNY
(Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching
vagina!)
CARTMAN
What did you say?!
KENNY
(I said, Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching
vagina!)
CARTMAN
What did you say?!
CARTMAN
I said "Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching
vagina!" Did I just call myself a blood-belching
vagina?
STAN
Dude, what the hell is wrong with you??
CARTMAN
I dunno, I just, I keep feeling like
I'm Kenny. Seeing memories through his
eyes.
KYLE
You're too fat to be Kenny.
CARTMAN
You're a- stupid Jew.
STAN
Let's just keep building. We only have
five more days until the shopping spree.
[The White House, Washington D.C., moments later. George Bush
arrives at the Oval Office and takes his seat at the executive
desk]
BUSH
Alright, how's the ladder going, General?
Are we beating the Japanese.
GENERAL
Not quite, but we have a new problem,
Mr. President. Our recon team on the
ladder just found new evidence of threats...
from Saddam Hussein.
BUSH
Saddam Hussein? But... we killed him!
We secretly took him out months ago!
GENERAL
Yes sir. And now we believe he's building
weapons of mass destruction... in heaven.
BUSH
Dear Christ, that sonofabitch just doesn't
stop!
GENERAL
These surveillance photos were taken
atop the ladder of what appears to be
heaven. Here we see what we believe
to be a missile silo. And here we see
what looks like a laboratory of some
sort for making chemical weapons.
DICK CHENEY
That... kinda looks like a seagull.
GENERAL
Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised
as a seagull.
BUSH
That tricky bastard!
GENERAL
Sir, you must understand our fears.
We must take out those facilities. We
must... bomb heaven!
[SNN newsroom, new poll]
SNN REPORTER
SNN Question of the Day: Now that Americans
believe in heaven, should we bomb it?
The polls right now show that 51% of
Americans think Saddam has to be dealt
with, while 49% are wimpy tree-hugging
pussies.
WAR PROTESTER
War is not my voice! This country is
just run by rednecks and bumpkins with
their guns!
REDNECK
We have to take Saddam out to protect
ourselves.
FAT MAN
I, for one, believe that if Saddam Hussein
were an eight-year-old boy, and my penis
were the United States... then there
would- hard nipples!
SNN REPORTER
God-damnit!
[News 4 field report]
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, it's been five days since three
sweet boys set out to build a ladder
to heaven and caption the nation's hearts.
They've made a nation believe heaven
might be up there. And it could prove
to be a threat to our country. President
Bush will seek UN approval for military
action.
[The Marsh home, day. The boys' ladder is seen rising above the
house, in the backyard. In the dining room, the boys' parents
sit opposite the boys at the table.]
RANDY
Boys, it's really neat that you want
to see your old pal Kenny so much but...
KYLE'S FATHER
But it's time for you to get back to
school and on with your lives.
STAN
No, we have to see Kenny!
SHARON
You have to understand that Kenny's
body isn't up in the clouds. He was
cremated.
STAN
Cremated? What's that?
RANDY
When you die, your body is put into
a broiling oven and cooked until you're
nothing but ashes.
KYLE
What?? For God's sake, why??
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, it's just what some people do.
KYLE
Are you gonna burn me?
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, that's not the issue right now.
KYLE
Jesus Christ!
RANDY
The person's ashes are put into an urn,
and that's where Kenny's body is.
KENNY'S MOM
You see boys, Kenny is in here. What
the??? Wait a minute! This is kitty
litter!
CARTMAN
Alright, alright, I drank the chocolate
milk mix and replaced it with kitty
litter.
STUART
You WHAT??
STAN
Dude, don't you know what this means?
You drank Kenny!
CARTMAN
Shut up!
KYLE
You did, dude! You drank his whole body!
CARTMAN
Shut up!
KENNY'S MOM
Oh my God! This is awful! And disgusting!
LIANE
Bad, Eric, bad!
CARTMAN
That explains it. Why I'm having Kenny's
memories all the time. His soul is inside
me.
STAN
Well, so much for our winning ticket.
Cartman probably drank that with the
rest of Kenny!
KYLE
Yeah. Good job, fatass!
CARTMAN
I can't live like this. I, I have to
find a place where they remove living
souls from your body.
[Day, Unplanned Parenthood, a place where they remove living
souls from a pregnant woman's body, if you believe fetuses have
souls... Cartman speaks to the nurse, who is sitting behind a
desk writing absentmindedly]
CARTMAN
Looks like I've come to the right place.
NURSE
Can I help you?
CARTMAN
Yes, hello. I have a living thing inside
of me that needs to be sucked out, please.
NURSE
You'll have to make an appointment;
the charge is two hundred and thirty
dollars.
CARTMAN
Two hundred and thirty dollars?? I just
want you to vacuum him out of me and
not put him up in a condominium!
BOYFRIEND
It's gonna be okay, babe.
CARTMAN
Listen, lady! You've got to get this
crap out of me! I don't want him in
me anymore! Just suck him up and throw
him out!
WOMAN
Oh Steven, I can't go through with this!
I have to keep it!
STEVEN
Damnit! Damnit! Thanks a lot, kid!
CARTMAN
Ey!
[The scene is the sidewalk. Stan, Cartman and Kyle run up to
Kenny]
CARTMAN
Kenny! Kenny!
STAN
Kenny! Lolly's Candy Land is giving
away a shopping spree!
KYLE
We're all gonna pitch in on an entry!
LOLLY
There you go. Hold on to that ticket
stub.
STAN
You hold on to this, Cartman. I might
lose it.
CARTMAN
Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep
track of it, Kyle.
KYLE
Okay. N-no, ah I don't want that much
responsibility. Here, you hold on to
it, Kenny.
KENNY
(Okay.)
CARTMAN
You'd better not lose that ticket, Kenny,
or else I'll kick you in the nuts! The
nuts! The nuts!
[Back to the present. Cartman comes to and knows where to go]
CARTMAN
The ticket! Kenny didn't have it on
him when he died! He put it away somewhere!
Don't you see? I can still have my
candy shopping spree! Oh my God! You
guys! YOU GUYS!!
[The United Nations, day. In the main hall President Bush is
speaking to the Assembly]
BUSH
Ladies and gentlemen of the UN, we have
evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there
building weapons of mass destruction.
We have tried to communicate with Saddam
through a psychic to ask him to let
us see his warehouses in heaven. But
he has not responded.
INDIAN AMBASSADOR
Of course he has not responded, because
he's DEAD!
BUSH
Right. Dead, and in heaven.
ANOTHER AMBASSADOR
This is preposterous! Even if there
was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam
Hussein's soul would be sent there?
BUSH
Our intelligence tells us that when
Saddam was originally killed, his soul
actually went to hell. But while in
hell he began a homosexual relationship
with Satan, the Prince of Darkness.
Satan, however, decided he didn't want
to be with Hussein anymore and broke
up with him about August. When Saddam
became jealous and tried to kill Satan's
new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent
to heaven to live with Mormons as a
punishment. Question? Yes?
ANOTHER AMBASSADOR
Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?
BUSH
I assure you, I am not high.
[South Park, day. A tower has gone up around the ladder at the
Marsh house. Helicopters and cranes hoist. On the ground Stan
and Kyle sit on some lumber watching the military take over the
construction. Cartman runs up to them]
CARTMAN
You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket!
KYLE
What do you mean, fatass?
CARTMAN
I just had another vision, you buttholes.
Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him,
he put it away somewhere.
STAN
Where??
CARTMAN
I don't know. I got conked in the head
down at the abortion clinic and I clearly
saw Kenny putting the ticket in a little
red box. I just have to wait for another
vision to come. I could clearly see
through Ken- AY!
KYLE
Do you see anything?
CARTMAN
Yes, Kyle. I see a DEAD JEW!
STAN
Whoawhoawhoa! Maybe Kyle's right. We
gotta spark the vision somehow.
CARTMAN
Not by giving me brain damage!
STAN
Do you want a candy shopping spree or
not?!
CARTMAN
Alright, go ahead. AY!... no. AY!...
[Near the back of the house. The neighbors are watchng the construction.
Sharon and Sheila arrive]
SHARON
Randy! Gerald! We, we were wrong about
heaven! The Japanese just reached it
with their ladder!
RANDY
What?
[Living room, seconds later]
SHARON
See for yourself!
[the SNN Japanese correspondent is on camera]
SNN CORRESPONDENT
This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting
rive from hayben. The great a-nation
of Japan reached a-hayben today about
eight o'crock Pacific Standard Time-eh.
Therefore hayben is now a-decrared
an official part of Japan, because we
got a-here first. And now for the weather
in heaben, let's go to Natsako Semu.
NATSAKO SEMU
Todeh weather in hebon, partry croudy.
NOBUNAGA
That's the news from heben. Dame!
Dame da! Bakayarou da!!
[Living room, seconds later]
RANDY
Oh God, and we told our boys they'd
never reach heaven.
KYLE'S FATHER
Kids!
[Backyard. The crowd in and around the yard is immense now. George
Bush and his staff are present]
BUSH
Good. As soon as the boys finish their
ladder we'll be ready to take Saddam
out.
SHARON
Do you really think this is a good idea,
Randy?
RANDY
If Saddam is building weapons, we have
to stop him. With our weapons.
STAN
Ah, excuse me everyone! Uh, we're not
working on the ladder anymore. Thank
you, we're done.
SOME GUY
Dude.
GEORGE BUSH
Not working on the ladder? But the Japanese
won't let us use theirs.
KYLE
Kenny didn't have the ticket stub. It
was in his room. So we got all our candy,
and you can all go home.
RANDY
Wait, are you saying that you boys only
wanted to build a ladder to heaven so
you could get some candy??
CARTMAN
...I've never heard the words "only"
and "candy" in the same sentence before.
FIELD REPORTER
But... what about yoru lost friend?
What about your fragile innocence and
believing we could all get to heaven?
STAN
Yeah, well people make us kids believe
that heaven is this white place with
fluffy clouds and angels...
KYLE
Yeah, but now we think maybe heaven
isn't a place you can get to, maybe
heaven is just an idea. A frame of mind
or, or something gay like that. Maybe
heaven... is this moment, right now.
GENERAL
So, you're saying we should bomb this
moment, right now. Right! Johnson!
JOHNSON
Sir!
RANDY
No, no. We shouldn't bomb anybody. These
boys are right. The only heaven we can
hope for is one here on earth, now.
We should stop waiting to get into heaven
and start trying to... create it.
CROWD
Awwww.
BUSH
And I was dumb enough to believe Saddam
could actually be up there buildin'
bombs.
ALAN JACKSON
Where were you when they decided heaven
was a more intangible idea 'n you couldn't,
you couldn't really get there?
[walks up to the boys] You little bastards ruined my latest song!
[drives his guitar into the snow, breaking it, then walks away]
KYLE
Well, I'm sure glad this is all over
with. Let's go count our candy.
STAN
Yeah. But what about Kenny. His soul
is still in Cartman's body.
CARTMAN
No no, I just drank his memories. I'm
not sharing my body with that poor piece
of crap. Stop calling me poor, you fat
dick! ...Oh Jesus Christ.
KYLE
Whoa. Kenny, you in there?
CARTMAN
Stop it! Where am I, you guys? Oh God!
STAN
Dude, come back here!
KYLE
Stop him, Kenny!
[Heaven. Weapons of mass destruction are seen among the clouds.
Saddam is right there shouting directions]
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Keep those nitrogen capsules over there
by the warheads! Right. Chop-chop. Come
on!
GOD
Saddam. I've been hearing rumors that
you're secretly building weapons of
mass destruction up here.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Weapons of mass destruction? Nooo! This
is a chocolate chip factory. See?
GOD
It looks like a chemical weapons plant.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build
a chemical weapons plant, I wouldn't
make it look like a chemical weapons
plant, would I? I'd make it look like
a chocolate chip factory or something.
GOD
...Alright, just checking.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
Stupid asshole!
THE END
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