"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 701
"CANCELLED"
Written by
Trey Parker
[At the bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny wait. Ike
hops into view]
THE BOYS
School days, school days, teacher's
golden rule day...
KYLE
Ah, damn it!
CARTMAN
What?
KYLE
My God-damned little brother's trying
to follow me to school, again!
IKE
Suck my balls.
KYLE
No, Ike! You can't come to school with
me.
CARTMAN
Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!
KYLE
Dude, for the last time, don't call
my brother a dildo!
CARTMAN
Alright, go home, you little semen-puking
asshole dickhead! Ow!
STAN
Dude, sweet!
KYLE
Yeah. Check it out. Ready Ike? Kick
the baby!
IKE
Don't hit the God-damned baby!
KYLE
Kick it!
IKE
Waa... ...aaaah.
CARTMAN
Uuugh.
KYLE
Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't
get much sleep last night.
CARTMAN
That's because I was having these bogus
nightmares all night long.
KYLE
Really? What about?
CARTMAN
Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my
bed... in the dark. When all of a sudden
this bright blue light filled the room
. Then slowly my bedroom door begin
to open and the next thing I remember
I was being drug through a hallway.
Then these scary hands wanted to operate
on me. And they had big heads and big
black eyes...
STAN
Dude! Visitors!
KYLE
Totally!
CARTMAN
What?
STAN
That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were
visitors!
CARTMAN
No, it was just a dream, my mom said
so.
STAN
Visitors are real. They... Wait a minute.
This has all happened before.
KYLE
Yeah. This does seem really familiar.
CARTMAN
What the Funk & Wagnalls are you talkin'
about?
KYLE
Cartman, don't you remember the last
time you had this dream?
CARTMAN
Eh-ih... shut up you guys, you're just
tryin' to scare me.
STAN
No, dude, this happened before! Aliens
put some device in you and then we tied
you up to a tree and you went up on
their ship! You don't remember that?
CARTMAN
No I don't remember that!
KYLE
You don't?
CARTMAN
No, because the aliens erased my memory!
STAN
I remember this whole thing. Ike tried
to follow you to school. You kicked
him, then Cartman told us about his
alien dream.
KYLE
Yeah, and then Chef pulled up in his
car.
CHEF
Hello there, children!
KYLE
And then you said
STAN
What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
CHEF
Well, today it's Salisbury steak with
hot buttered noodles
ALL
and a choice of green bean salad or
vegetable medley.
KYLE
Weird
CHEF
Say, did any of you children
ALL
see the alien space ship last night?
CHEF
What the?
STAN
Chef, we're in a repeat.
CHEF
A repeat??
KYLE
Cartman was visited by aliens again
last night. And now it's like we're
living a repeat of a previous day.
CARTMAN
Aw dude, I hate repeats!
CHEF
I've been feelin' déjà vu all mornin',
children. I knew somethin' strange was
goin' on!
STAN
It all started when Cartman got an anal
probe.
CHEF
We have to get Eric to a proctologist
right away.
[South Park Medical Clinic. Inside, Chef and the boys wait on
chairs as Cartman lies face down on a proctologist's table]
KYLE
What is a proc-tologist, Chef?
CHEF
He's a doctor that specializes in your
asshole, children.
STAN
You mean, at some point in this doctor's
life he decided he wanted to work on
people's buttholes.
CHEF
That's right.
KYLE
What a dick!
PROCTOLOGIST
Hello everyone!
CHEF
Hello Doctor. Thanks for seein' Eric
on such short notice.
PROCTOLOGIST
What seems to be the problem?
CHEF
We just want you to take a look and
tell us if you see anything abnormal.
KYLE
Other than his monstrous size.
CARTMAN
SHUT UP, KYLE! SHUT YOUR GOD-DAMNED
MOUTH!
PROCTOLOGIST
All right, let's see here. Oh my God!!
CARTMAN
What?
PROCTOLOGIST
Why, there's a huge crack goin' right
down the middle!
CARTMAN
Haha, very funny.
STAN
Yeah, like we haven't heard that one
a zillion times.
PROCTOLOGIST
All right, let's take a look.
CARTMAN
Heey, just what the hell do you think
you're doing?
CHEF
Eric, the doctor has to feel inside
your rectum.
KYLE
And afterwards, he'll probably have
to burn his hand and bury it.
CARTMAN
Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's
hand up my ass right now, I'd leap across
the room and kick you in the nuts. Eh.
Oohh. Eow.
PROCTOLOGIST
Well the prostate seems to be normal.
No swelling of the hemorrhoidal gland...
CARTMAN
Eh- Aaaaah. Ooooo-ah. Uuuuu aaaaa.
PROCTOLOGIST
Wait, what's this?
KYLE
Are you okay?
CARTMAN
Dude. You know that feeling when you
take a huuuge dump? Awesome!
CHEF
Well, doctor?
PROCTOLOGIST
I've never quite seen this before,
uh... Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid
cream.
CARTMAN
Aaaaaa aaaaaa ooagh!
STAN
You all right?
CARTMAN
You know the feeling when the huge dump
you just took shoots back up inside
your ass? NO I"M NOT ALL RIGHT!!
PROCTOLOGIST
I've never seen a hemorrhoid react this
way.
CHEF
That wasn't no hemorrhoid, it was an
alien hoobajoob! Come on, children!
We've got to get Eric to some real help!
STAN
Where to now, Chef?
CHEF
That thing inside Eric's asshole looked
like some kinda alien satellite dish.
We need to see my friend down at the
Space Center now!
[The space center. Lots of satellite dishes dot the premises.
Inside Chef leads the children to a scientist.]
CHEF
And you're the only person I could think
of who might be able to help us, Jeff.
JEFF
How do we uh, make it come out?
CHEF
Someone just has to activate it like
the proctologist did.
CARTMAN
Ohhh no no nonono! Nobody is putting
their finger in my ass again! Unless
it's Kyle.
STAN
What?
KYLE
No way! You do it, Kenny!
CARTMAN
Nope! It has to be Kyle!
STAN
Go on.
KYLE
I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's
butt!
CHEF
Kyle, the fate of the world may be at
stake.
CARTMAN
Come, Kyle. Do hurry. Go ahead, it
won't bite.
KYLE
God-damnit Cartman!
CARTMAN
I couldn't resist. I'm sorry.
KYLE
Stop it Cartman!
CARTMAN
Okay. Okay okay.
KENNY
(Gaaahaha, he got you again!)
KYLE
God Damnit!
CARTMAN
Haha. Oh man, that was great. Okay,
go ahead. I'm all out of farts now.
Gahaaa! Derrr!
KENNY
(Derrr!)
CARTMAN
Okaay, okay. It's not funny anymore.
Oh yes it is!
KENNY
(Yes it is!)
CHEF
Eric, that's enough!
CARTMAN
Okay, okay. Ohh, double psych!
KYLE
That's it! I don't care about the fate
of the world! Screw it!
STAN
Oh, nice going, Cartman!
CARTMAN
All right, all right, I'm sorry. Go
ahead, Kyle.
KYLE
No!
CARTMAN
No, go ahead. I'm dry.
KYLE
You're lying!
CHEF
It stopped being funny forty seconds
ago, boy! Let's just get this over with!
CARTMAN
But it was one of the best times I've
ever had.
JEFF
Can I see this thing, please?
CARTMAN
Okay. Ohhh! God-damnit!
CHEF
Okay. Now it's funny again.
CARTMAN
This is so awesome. I don't think I
made it out of that proctologist's office,
guys. I think I died and went to heaven.
KYLE
That does it! CHARGE!
CHEF
What's it doing?
JEFF
It, it's sending a transmission of some
kind. Got it!
KYLE
It's just sending images of cities and
people and stuff.
CHEF
Where is the signal being sent to?
CARTMAN
Ugh. I don't wanna play anymore, you
guys.
KYLE
We went through all that just for some
gay video of Earth?
STAN
We wanted to see an alien planet or
something.
JEFF
Whoever they are, if they're receiving
messages, they might be sending them,
too. Wait a minute. c-candy bars.
KYLE
Candy bars?
JEFF
Yu-you know. Candy bars. They usually
come in a wrapper. Just like you...
wrap a Christmas present. Christmas
happens when it's cold. Cold, as in
Alaska - that's... with polar bears.
Polar bears... pola... polarity! I can
switch the polarity to see what transmissions
are coming from the location this one
is being sent to! What the heck? They're
coming in!
STAN
What do we do???
CARTMAN
It's that guy you want! He's trying
to reverse your polarities!
JEFF
What??
CHEF
Help!
KYLE
Aaaah! Runrunruuun!
STAN
Let's go!
CHEF
Get in the car, children! Get in the
car!
STAN
What is that?
CHEF
Can you see anything, children?
KYLE
The aliens are chasing us!
CHEF
God damned aliens!
STAN
Chef! End of the road!
CHEF
Hold on, children! We have to ditch
them!
CARTMAN
What are you doing, man?!
NARRATOR
Looks like them boys are gettin' a
little fresh air.
KYLE
I think we ditched them.
CHEF
I don't think we're outta the woods
yet.
DRIVER
Doot doot.
STAN
It's the police!
CHEF
That ain't no police!
CARTMAN
When do we get to eat. I'm hungry.
STAN
Chef!!
CHEF
HA! God-damned aliens! I beat you!
Where'd you learn to drive, aliens?!
Chinese auto school?!
THE BOYS
Chef! Chef! They've got us!
CHEF
You're lucky I didn't just turn around
and beat your white skinny alien asses
anyway! Maybe next time you'll remember
to... Huh? Aw crap! Children!
THE BOYS
Cheeeeeeef!
NARRATOR
Well, it looks like the boys are in
more trouble than a June bug in molasses.
And it's pretty thick molasses, too.
[A chamber. Stan is tied up in some green alien pod, asleep.]
STAN
Uh. Wugh. You guys. Wake up!
KYLE
What the? Where are, where are we?
STAN
We're in the alien ship.
CARTMAN
Ah. Uh! I'm trapped inside Helen Hunt's
ass! Oh God, help me you guys!
KYLE
It's not Helen Hunt's ass. It's an alien
space ship.
CARTMAN
...Oh, thank God! Well then, thank
you Lord.
STAN
Guys. Look.
KYLE, CARTMAN
Wow.
STAN
My God, do you guys realize? This is
only the second time we've ever been
in outer space.
KYLE
Yeah.
KENNY
(Awesome)
CARTMAN
This is like my fifth time.
STAN
Uh oh. This must be the head alien guy.
KENNY
(Oh no!)
ALIEN
Hello boys.
STAN
Dad?
ALIEN
No, not really. I just read your mind
and thought this form might be more
pleasing to you.
KYLE
Aw dude, don't do that. That's gay.
STAN
Yeah, that's like that stupid movie,
Contact.
CARTMAN
Aw God, that movie pissed me off.
ALIEN
Very well, I shall show my true form.
Rah rah rah rah rah. Rah rah rah rah.
THE BOYS
AAAAH!
STAN
Okay okay, take the form of something
else!
ALIEN
How's this?
CARTMAN
Santa!
STAN
Nno, that's stupid too.
ALIEN
How about this?
STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
No. No!
CARTMAN
Oooo, very nice.
STAN
No!
KYLE
No!
ALIEN
Dy-no-mite!
THE BOYS
No!
[Back at the space center, day. Jeff is cleaning up after the
destruction left behind by the visitors]
CHEF
Jeff!! The aliens took the children
up on their ship.
JEFF
Oh no!
CHEF
Did you find out what the aliens were
up to?
JEFF
When I reversed the polarities, I found
this: It's a message that the aliens
are broadcasting throughout the entire
universe. But I have no idea what it
says.
CHEF
They took the children, Jeff! I have
to know what those aliens are up to!
JEFF
Wait a minute! Butt sex!
CHEF
Butt sex?
JEFF
Butt sex requires a lot of lubrication,
right? Lubrication. Lubruh... Chupuh...
Chupacabra 's the, the goat killer of
Mexican folklore. Folklore is stories
from the past that are often fictionalized.
Fictionalized to heighten drama. Drama
students! Students at colleges usally
have bicycles! Bi, bian, binary. It's
binary code!
CHEF
Who's havin' butt sex?
[Back on the alien ship]
ALIEN
Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello
my ragtime gal!
THE BOYS
No!
ALIEN
Lemme search ya, gonna work ya, hepsunudupunubuh
huh.
THE BOYS
No!
ALIEN
Don't piss on the moon, babe.
THE BOYS
NO!
ALIEN
All right, earthlings, what form do
you want me to take?
CARTMAN
How about a taco, that craps ice cream?
Guys?
STAN
I like it.
KENNY
(Me too.)
ALIEN
All right, then we can get back to business.
Follow me this way, earthlings. I want
to apologize to you boys for all the
spooky, scary stuff. We just needed
to get to the malfunctioning uplink
relay.
STAN
You mean, the thing in Cartman's ass?
ALIEN
That's right. See, there are dishes
in over fifty thousand earthlings' rectums.
Your friend's has been malfunctioning.
KYLE
Why do you put them into people's asses?
Are you planning some kind of alien
takeover?
ALIEN
Oh, heavens no! We're a production company.
We make intergalactic television programs
that the whole universe watches.
STAN
Television?
ALIEN
We at Nerzod Productions started twenty
billion years ago with one philosophy:
the best universal television isn't
scripted, it's real. We started with
great shows like, "Who Wants To Marry
A Gelgamek?" and "Antares 6 Millionaire".
And then we had a big hit with "Get
Me Outta Here, I'm a Klingnanian". But
then of course, there's our signature
show. The greatest universal reality
show of all time.
KYLE
Earth?
ALIEN
A few billion years ago we realized,
"what if we took species from all different
planets in the universe, and put them
together, on the same planet?" Great
TV, right? Asians, bears, ducks, Jews,
deer and Hispanics, all trying to live
side by side on one planet! It's great!
STAN
Our planet is just a reality-TV show?
ALIEN
Well, you don't think the whole universe
works the way Earth does, do you? No!
One species, one planet! There's a planet
of deer, a planet of Asians, and so
on! We put them all together on Earth
and the whole universe tunes in to watch
the fun!
KYLE
You mean that you aliens actually enjoy
sitting around and watching us fight
and kill each other? Dude, that's messed
up.
ALIEN
Why?
STAN
Why?? Because you're playing with people's
lives! You're turning people's problems
into entertainment!
CARTMAN
Yeah! We'd never do that on Earth!
[The Convention Center, day.]
JEFF
Ladies and Gentleman, we have recently
come across an alien transmission that
is being beamed throughout the entire
universe. When decoded, it looks like
this.
MAN
What does it mean?
JEFF
Ih it's simple mathematical language
that can be understood throughout the
solar system. Translated into our language,
it looks like this.
ANNOUNCER
This jannemon at eight o'clock, it's
everyone's favorite show! Earth! It's
been one hundred Gelganighs since we
first took species from seventeen different
planets and put them all together, on
the same planet! Oo-derp! They've fought
and fallen in love! What will happen
this Galgamog? Tune in jannemon at eight
to find out. It's... Earth! On Fognl!
JEFF
I'm afraid that Earth, a-all of Earth,
is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV
show.
MAN 2
My God. We're famous!
JEFF
Waaaait, you don't understand!
MAN 3
I'm on TV! I'm on TV!
MAN 4
This is so awesome!
OTHERS
Woo! Yeah! Woohoo!!
[Back at Nerzod Productions. Cartman is bent over once more,
with his pants down. The visitors have finished working on him]
ALIEN
That should get the relay working again.
All right, Earthlings, if you'll step
over this way we'll erase your memories
and get you back to Earth. Oh, excuse
me. This is Nagix. Uh huh. Oh no. Oh
no, really? And it's, it's for sure?
All right, I'll break the news to everyone.
No, no I, I understand. Thanks. Well,
you kids can go back to Earth if you
want, but I'm afraid it won't be there
for long. The show's been cancelled.
KYLE
What?? Who cancelled us?
NAGIX
The universal network heads. They say
the Earthlings have become aware of
the show, so it won't be fuinny anymore.
STAN
Oh shit, did we do that?
NAGIX
Everyone, can I have your attention
real quick? Uuh, look, I just got a
call from the network and I'm afraid
Earth has been cancelled
STAFF
Awww.
NAGIX
Now, now, it was a great run and I think
we should all be really proud. Let's
call in a demolition crew to strike
the Earth for resources.
STAN
Wait! Wait, they they can't do this!
Uh, let us talk to the network heads!
NAGIX
Wouldn't do any good.
KYLE
Dude, we have to try!
STAN
Please, take us to them! Please!
NAGIX
All right, kids, we'll take you to the
network heads. But I warn you: nobody
has ever gotten the executives to uncancel
a show once the call has been made.
Nobody.
[Earth. A view of it from outer space. A few seconds later, an
immense crane floats towards Earth with wrecking ball ready and
beeper going. It stops. Two alien laborers sit inside and the
driver activates the crane arm. The wrecking ball moves and strikes
western Africa. A shot of people running across a bridge. The
whole planet moves as if by an earhquake. Chef almost loses his
balance at the space center as the ground undulates]
CHEF
What the hell is that?!
JEFF
There's a huge ship of some kind in
Earth's orbit! But why? Wait a minute!
Chaos theory!
CHEF
Chaos theory??
JEFF
Chaos theory, ih wah, it was first thought
of in the sixties. Sixty. That's the
number of episodes they made of Punky
Brewster before it was cancelled. Cancelled...
CHEF
Huh?
JEFF
Don't you see? The show is over! The
aliens are cancelling Earth!
CHEF
Oh my God! We have to stop them!
[The boys walk down a futuristic sidewalk on a strange planet]
VOICE
Welcome to Planet Fognl, home of the
Joozians, who control all media in the
universe.
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
STAN
Oh, uh... we have a three o'clock meeting
with the network heads?
RECEPTIONIST
Where are you visiting from?
STAN
Uh, Earth?
RECEPTIONIST
Oooo, I watch that show all the time.
JOOZIAN 1
Gaaahahaha. Oh, sure, come on in, Earthlings.
We're just checking out our new show.
JOOZIAN 2
We took a hundred beings from the planet
Marklar and put them on an asteroid
with sentient beings from the Horsehead
Nebula. Ih-it's a riot!
JOOZIAN 1
They hate each other!
JOOZIAN 2
Gah, why?
KYLE
Mighty powerful network executives,
We have come a great distance in order to ha-
JOOZIAN 1
Oooo, I'm starving! You Earthlings have
haglar yet?
JOOZIAN 2
Oh yeah, let's do haglar.
JOOZIAN 1
Where do you wanna go? Meroni's?
JOOZIAN 2
Not on a Flakmar. Too crowded. Ohhh,
Blackafelch!
JOOZIAN 1
Oh, Blackafelch. Perfect.
[Blackafelch Restaurant, later. Aliens of all kinds sit and enjoy
their meals.]
JOOZIAN 2
This place is fantastic!
STAN
Look, we just want to talk to you about
the show.
KYLE
Please don't cancel us. Please.
JOOZIAN 1
Oh I'm sorry, Earthlings, but you have
to realize the universe is a business.
JOOZIAN 2
You've made it to a hundred episodes,
you should be proud!
JOOZIAN 1
Yeah, a show should never go past a
hundred episodes, or else it starts
to get stale with ridiculously stupid
plotlines and settings.
WAITRESS
Here's yoiur order of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah.
STAN
But sirs, we think our show is just
getting good. I mean, we're just now
starting to see people get really pissed
off at each other.
KYLE
Oh my God, this is great!
JOOZIAN 1
You must have some Joozian ancestry.
CARTMAN
Tell us about it!
STAN
Look, there's five billion people on
our show. You just can't up and cancel
on us.
JOOZIAN 1
Oh my God! Would you look at the heglars
on that joozinek?
STAN
Dude, we're trying to save our planet
here?!
JOOZIAN 1
Let's take the Earthlings to a hekmubah!
JOOZIAN 2
Oh, yeah!
[A hekmabah, a Joozian strip club. A Joozinek slithers around
a dance pole]
JOOZIAN 1
Oh yeah, let's see those heglars!
STAN
Sirs, uh, if you'll just let-
JOOZIAN 1
Oh, man, I am so wasted! Hey, do you
Earthlings wanna try a little glach?
Agh-oh yeah!! Oh, gluck yeah!!
KYLE
Kenny!
JOOZIAN 1
Meeh, screw this place! Let's go get
a hotel room and a hooker!
JOOZIAN 2
Oh yeah!
JOOZIAN 1
Yeah!
[Back on earth, the massive cranes swings at Earth again. More
quakes follow and the space center is damaged some more]
CHEF
We have to find a way to stop those
aliens!
JEFF
Oh, their ship is massive! There's
no way to stop it! Wait a minute, jackets!
CHEF
Oh no.
JEFF
If people don't wear jackets they could
get cold. A cold is caused by a virus.
A viru- a computer virus! We could make
a computer virus and send it to their
ships to disable their computers!
CHEF
That doesn't make any God-damned sense!
[an adult hotel. The Joozians are in bed with a hooker and they
begin to disrobe]
JOOZIAN 2
Ogh.
JOOZIAN 1
Oh yeah!
JOOZIAN 2
Good.
JOOZIAN 1
Oh yeah! Yeah!!
JOOZIAN 2
Woohoohoo! Yeah!
JOOZIAN 1
Booyagh! Boy, Earthlings, is this a
party or what??
JOOZIAN 2
Oh! Oh, that's it baby! You're getting
my jagon hard!
JOOZIAN 1
Wohh. Yeah, let's party!
JOOZIAN 2
Yeah, suck my jagon!
JOOZIAN 1
Yeah! Now you suck on my jagon! Oh
yeah!! Stick your finger in my thrusher!
Oh yeah, suck it. Suck that jagon!
STAN
Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing
right now, but I have a feeling it's
really, really wrong.
JOOZIAN 1
Oh yes!! Oh yeah yeahyeah! Oh yeah!
[Back at universal network headquarters. The Joozians have ice
packs on their heads, recovering from the raunch they experienced
the night before]
JOOZIAN 2
Oh, God. Eh eh, my head. What did we
do?
JOOZIAN 1
Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your
jagon.
JOOZIAN 2
Oh God, we did suck each other's jagons!
You kids won't tell anybody about this,
right??
CARTMAN
No.
STAN
No, wait. We won't tell anybody, if
you don't cancel our show!
JOOZIAN 1
Oooo, I knew that was coming.
JOOZIAN 2
They really got us by the nezmins
KYLE
The Earth show can still be good. Just
erase everyone's memory so we don't
know we're a show.
STAN
I'm sure you'll see that if you give
our world time, it will become even
more outrageous and violent.
CARTMAN
There's even World War Three to look
forward to.
KYLE
And then we won't have to show anybody
the picture Kenny has of you guys sucking
each other's jagons.
JOOZIAN 1
He-all right, all right Earthlings!
Ya, you win! The show can stay on.
THE BOYS
All right!
JOOZIAN 1
Just be sure to keep up the wars and
violence.
JOOZIAN 2
Well, we've got a five o'clock with
the Yurka producers. Nice meeting you
Earthlings. Bye!
[The bus stop, day. Kenny is missing]
CARTMAN
Uuugh.
KYLE
Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't
get much sleep last night.
CARTMAN
That's because I was having these bogus
nightmares all night long.
KENNY
(Hey you guys, look.)
KYLE
What the hell is that?
KENNY
(I don't know.)
CHEF
Hello there, children!
THE BOYS
Hey Chef.
STAN
Chef, Kenny has a picture of two green
things sucking each other's shoulders.
CARTMAN
What is it, Chef?
CHEF
I don't know. But something tells me
this picture might be very important,
children. You should hang on to it.
[TV spot]
ANNOUNCER
Attention universe! Be sure to tune
in next week for another exciting episode
of... Earth! The Asians are reeeally
steamed at the Russians . The zebras
try to get along with the buffalo.
And Americans and Iraqis have an all-out
brawl. It's outrageous fun and it's
all new! Earth! On Fognl.
THE END
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