"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 307
"CAT ORGY"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The Cartman house, night. Cartman's room. Cartman plays off-camera
while his plush lizard, Rumpertumskin, sits on the bed. Cartman
does all the voices...]
RUMPERTUMSKIN
Heheheheh! Now I will kill the President
and Salma Hayek!
POLLY
Oh, save me! Who will save me?
CARTMAN
I will! James West, cowboy and rap
star! Quick, Artemus Clyde Frog! We've
got to save Salma Hayek!
CLYDE FROG
If we save her, I am going to take
off her pants and play Slip'N'Slide!
CARTMAN
Are you okay, Salma Hayek?
POLLY
Yes, but I need to get out of here and
eat some tacos and burritos. Me gusta
tacos mucho!
RUMPERTUMSKIN
You cannot stop me, James West!
CARTMAN
Look out, Artemus Clyde Frog! It's a
giant metal spider! Bang! Bangbang!
Yoyoyo, jiggity jiggy with it! Bang
bang bang! We saved the day! The Wild
Wild West, The Wild Wild Wild West.
Uhyo wicky wicky scratch, Uh wicky wicky
scratch...
LIANE
Eric. The babysitter's here. Come
on downstairs.
CARTMAN
But mmmooom, I'm playing Wild Wild
West.
LIANE
I have to leave soon, Eric.
CARTMAN
But mom, me and Artemus Clyde Frog still
have to do our love scene with Salma
Ha-yek.
LIANE
Come down as soon as you're done.
CARTMAN
[silence, then he begins to rap]
Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's
Age wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save
Salma Hayek from the big metal spider
Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh
Cowboy from the Westside-
[The kitchen. Liane fixes herself as Shelly looks on]
LIANE
Thank you so much for babysitting little
Eric, Shelley.
SHELLEY
Okay.
LIANE
All those other babysitters won't come
back.
SHELLEY
I charge $5 for the first hour, 5% bumps
every hour after that up to six hours,
which enters into golden time.
LIANE
Oh, that sounds fine. I'm going to a
meteor shower party. The number where
I'll be is on the refrigerator. Eric's
nookie time is 9 o'clock sharp. If his
little woogums get cold, you can turn
up the heat over here. And if he gets
cranky, just play tummy-rub-rubs with
him, and make sure he wipes good after
he makes bears.
SHELLEY
Bears?
LIANE
Oh! And don't mind the cat. She's just
being loud because she's in heat.
[The living room. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV now, and
Kitty is near him]
KITTY
Meowrowr!
CARTMAN
No, Kitty! I don't have anything!
KITTY
Meow rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!
CARTMAN
What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop
it, Kitty!
KITTY
Rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!
CARTMAN
No Kitty, that a bad God-damned kitty!
LIANE
Okay, muffin. Mommy's leaving now.
You do what the babysitter tells you,
okay?
CARTMAN
Uh-huh.
LIANE
Be good.
CARTMAN
Right.
LIANE
Come give Mommy Eskimo kisses!
CARTMAN
Aw, Ma.
LIANE
Eskimo kisses for Mom-my!
CARTMAN
Jesus Christ.
LIANE
Bye, kids.
CARTMAN
Well, go put that pizza in the oven,
bitch! I'm hungry! Ow!
SHELLEY
Alright, turd, listen up! Now that your
mom is gone, I'm in charge. I don't
know how you treat your other babysitters,
but when I'm babysitting, you're nothing
but a little turd. You're a stinky dried-up
stupid turd! Got it?!
CARTMAN
You can't hit me! Didn't you see those
nanny videos on TV?
SHELLEY
My boyfriend is coming over, so you
go to the kitchen, and you make us that
pizza before I snap you in half like
the little turd-stick you are!
CARTMAN
You're not allowed to have people over!
SHELLEY
Move!
[The kitchen. Cartman walks to the refrigerator]
CARTMAN
This is bullcrap! I can't reach the
freezer!
SHELLEY
Figure it out, turd!
CARTMAN
God damnit! Shut up, Kitty! Any problems,
contact Eric's Mommy at 303... Aha! I'm
gonna call mom and tell her that the
babysitter is having her boyfriend come
over! Then we'll see who's the turd!
SHELLEY
...So I said, "you're a little turd!"
and he w-
CARTMAN
Damnit!
SHELLEY
...But when you've seen one turd, you've
seen them all. ...stupid turd! The one
night-
CARTMAN
Ey! I need to use the phone!
SHELLEY
Oh. Hold on a second, Carrie.
CARTMAN
Ey! Aaah! Uh-ow! Ah!
SHELLEY
I placed his underwear over his head.
CARTMAN
I'm gonna get her, Kitty! Mark my words!!
SHUT THE HELL UP, KITTY!!
[The living room. Cartman watches TV]
ANNOUNCER
And now, back to the movie of the week,
Aliens.
NEWT
They mostly come at night, mostly.
CARTMAN
They mostly come at night, mostly.
Ey, I was watching Aliens on TV!
SHELLEY
Well, I'm watching Friends, turd! That's
my boyfriend. Go answer the door while
I make sure I don't have food in my
braces.
DUDE
Hey there, is Shelley around?
CARTMAN
Who the hell are you?
DUDE
I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up
your ass if you don't tell me where
Shelley is!
SHELLEY
Hey, Skyler.
CARTMAN
You know this guy?
SHELLEY
He's my boyfriend!
CARTMAN
Christ, he's like 50 years old!
SHELLEY
He's 22!
CARTMAN
Dude, that's not cool.
SHELLEY
You're a turd! You're the Turdman of
Alcatraz!
SKYLER
Ye Yeah-ha.
CARTMAN
Dude, when my mom finds out that my
babysitters have their boyfriends over,
she mostly gets really mad, mostly.
Yaaah. Eeyy! Ey, God damnit!
SHELLEY
Turd wedgie. Come in the kitchen, Skyler.
There's refreshments
ANNOUNCER
And now, back to Wild Animal World
HOST
Here in the more arid regions of Africa,
the gold-coat lions are in the throes
of mating season. The male lion positions
himself behind the female and prepares
to insert his lionhood. Notice his large
swollen balls. The female lion relaxes
her body and says "hello" to Mr. Winky.
The male lion is enticed by the female's
supple breasts and firm backside. Quickly
and suddenly, the male is finished.
Now he wants to be alone, so he kindly
asks the female to leave. He promises
he'll call her tomorrow. But the female
doesn't leave. Nope, she's moving right
in. Looks like the male lion... is screwed.
[The kitchen. Cartman cooked the pizza after all. Shelley and
Skyler finish it]
SKYLER
Mmmmm.
SHELLEY
No, Skyler. Quit it.
SKYLER
Come on, babe. How long have we known
each other?
SHELLEY
Eight days tomorrow.
SKYLER
And I still don't get any action.
SHELLEY
I don't know, Skyler. It's just kind
of strange to me that you're 22 and
all.
SKYLER
But I'm still in high school. I told
you: I'm a very immature 22-year old.
SHELLEY
Well, maybe just one kiss.
SKYLER
Mmmmm
CARTMAN
Hey, what are you doing?
SKYLER
Beat it, chubby!
SHELLEY
Go on, Astroturd!
SKYLER
Mmmmm
CARTMAN
I'm gonna tell my mom on you.
SHELLEY
Turd Rock From the Sun!
CARTMAN
Ey! You ate all the pizza!
SHELLEY
We left you some crusts!
CARTMAN
That does it! I'm calling my mom right
now, and bustin' your ass!
SHELLEY
Guess again, Richard the Turd!
CARTMAN
Give me that phone number!
SKYLER
Come on, babe. Let's go to the living
room.
CARTMAN
I am not gonna be bossed around by
a chick! Maybe I'll just use my Wild
Wild West techniques and get proof that
Shelley had a boyfriend over.
KITTY
Meow.
CARTMAN
God damnit, Kitty, you have to calm
down! Here, I'll get you some catnip.
KITTY
Meow.
CARTMAN
Okay, okay, I'm finding the catnip.
KITTY
Meowrowrowrowrowrowrowrowr.
[The living room. Skyler strums on the guitar as Shelley listens]
SKYLER
Red Rocket spills my icy soul.
Demons from Hell seek the chosen one!
SHELLEY
You're such an amazing poet, Skyler.
SKYLER
Isn't this guitar awesome? It's the
best of its kind, and not a scratch
on it.
SHELLEY
Skyler, not here.
SKYLER
I can't help it. I see your pretty lips
and I want to kiss them.
SHELLEY
Really?
SKYLER
I cherish you, almost as much as I cherish
my guitar.
SHELLEY
Wow!
SKYLER
When I make it to the big time, I'm
gonna take you shopping, and buy you
lots of badass stuff.
SHELLEY
O Skyler, I love you.
SKYLER
Mmmmm.
SHELLEY
What the-?
CARTMAN
Aha, charade you are! Looks like you're
the turd now!
SHELLEY
Give me that picture!
CARTMAN
Aaaaa! Yes!
SHELLEY
Open this door, Turdledove!
CARTMAN
I think not! I'm gonna show this picture
to my mom when she gets home!
SHELLEY
Your mom doesn't get home for three
more hours! That's plenty of time for
me to make a turd sandwich out of you.
[later that night]
SHELLEY
Give me that picture, turd!
CARTMAN
You're never gonna get this picture!
Not until my mom comes home and I can
prove you had a boyfriend over heuh!
SHELLEY
I'm gonna bust this door down!
CARTMAN
What should we do, Artemus Clyde Frog?
CLYDE
We've got to get that picture to your
mom so that she will come home and save
us.
CARTMAN
Oh, that's quick thinking, Artemus Clyde
Frog. Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty.
I am putting this picture of the babysitter
and her boyfriend on your collar. You
have to take this picture to Mommy,
Kitty, so that she can come home and
save me. Now run, Kitty. Take this
picture to Mommy, and lead her back
here. When you return, be sure to bring
Mom in through the back door. Hurry,
Kitty! You're my only hope! That's
it! That's it, Mr. Kitty!
KITTY
Meow. Meow.
CARTMAN
Oh! God damnit!
[The living room. Shelley takes the picture and the door bell
rings]
SHELLEY
Who is that?!
SKYLER
Oh, I invited the guys in the band over,
so that we can practice.
SHELLEY
Skyler, your band can't practice here.
SKYLER
Hey, do you want me to make it or not?!
Don't stand between me and my dreams,
babe! 'Sup Mark? 'Sup up. Jonesy?
SHELLEY
Just keep the volume down! I have to
go deal with Turdboy.
[Cartman's room. Shelley knocks on the door]
CARTMAN
Hey! Who was that?! Who came to the
door?!
SHELLEY
Hey Eric! Your mom's been in an accident!
CARTMAN
You just want me to open the door!
SHELLEY
We need to run over to the hospital
and identify her body! We'll be right
back.
CARTMAN
What?? Ih is she okay?
SHELLEY
Not really. She's dead.
CARTMAN
Huh?!
SHELLEY
Haha! That was a turd trick. Your mom
isn't really dead!
CARTMAN
Aha! I knew it was a turd trick, and
I opened the door because Mr. Kitty
is on his way right now to my mom's
party with the picture!
SHELLEY
HAha! I knew you sent the cat, and that's
why I went outside and got him!
CARTMAN
Haaha! I saw you get the picture back
from Mr. Kitty, and that's why I wrote
a letter to the press! To be opened
in the case of my demise! Should anything
happen to me, that letter will go out,
and you will never find it!
SHELLEY
You mean this one?
CARTMAN
O-kay! Let's see heuh. Haha! Um... Aw,
damnit! AAAAH!
[living room. Shelley drags Cartman past the band and hurls him
onto the coatrack]
SKYLER
Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check.
Okay, ready? All right, let's try the
new song. This is a song I wrote for
you, Shelley. 1, 2, 1 2 3 4
When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley,
Shelley.
[she dances in place on the sofa]
CARTMAN
Aw, man, you guys suck.
SKYLER
Now that we're together I'm absolutely
sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
CARTMAN
You're the crappiest band I have ever
heard!
SKYLER
Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley
Shelley
[Outside. Kitty is at Cartman's window once again. The band is
heard in the background]
KITTY
Mewo, meow, meow, meow, meow.
A CAT
Meow. Meow.
KITTY
Meow?
A CAT
Meow.
[Living room. Skyler's band continues playing]
SKYLER
Bridge!
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of
Shelley Shelley!
CARTMAN
Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the
head!
SKYLER
Ey, shut up, tubby!
CARTMAN
Don't call me fat! Now, you guys are
not supposed to be in heuh! You get
out now and respect my authoritah!
Ow!
[Night. Kitty wanders the streets of South Park]
KITTY
Meow?
A CAT
Meow.
KITTY
Meow?
A CAT
Meow.
KITTY
Meow?
A CAT
Meow.
KITTY
Meow?
A CAT
Meow. Meow. Meow.
[Cartman's house, living room. The band finishes up]
SKYLER
Yah, dude, that was hot. This guitar
rocks, man! It rocks! What do you think,
Shelley?
SHELLEY
Honestly? I think you guys need some
work.
MARK
Oh, really?!
SHELLEY
I just think your sound is kind of...
last week.
JONESY
Oh, I'd like to see you do any better,
bitch!
SHELLEY
Well, I do have a song I wrote.
SKYLER
O-kay, why don't you sing it for us?
SHELLEY
Nnno, Skyler, I'm embarassed!
SKYLER
Hey man, don't be shy.
SHELLEY
Uhwwell, okay. I'll try. But I'm not
promising anything. 1 2 3 4
So much pain in the world today.
Too many turds are headin' my way.
But we can press our turds together.
Passing by turds whenever.
SKYLER
Don't you know? Isn't...
SHELLEY
Life so full of happiness?
Feel free to mark my words.
But me and you, will my love do
in a world that's full of turds? TURDS!
llama judgin finger-lovin' turds. TURDS!
[Cartman's room. He's taken the phone upstairs with him, extension
and all, and he's called Liane]
CARTMAN
Mom! The babysitter has her boyfriend
over!
LIANE
No no no no, that's impossible, hon.
I told her: no visitors.
CARTMAN
Well, there's a whole crappy band here!
Can you hear them? Here. Can you hear
them?
LIANE
This party is very loud, boopy-kins.
You'll have to speak up.
CARTMAN
Damnit! Her boyfriend's here! Don't
you believe me?!
LIANE
Not really, hon. Mom has to go now!
I'll be home in about an hour! Oh!
Oh, Mr. Mackey!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mhm, mkay?
CARTMAN
I'll never be able to prove that son
of a bitch was here! My Speak and Record
bear. Of course.
[Downstairs, Shelley continues her song]
SHELLEY
In a world that's full of turds. TURDS!
MARK
Dude, this is gay!
SKYLER
Shut up!
MARK
You shut up! Your girlfriend is not
joining our band!
JONESY
Yeah, dude. What the hell is wrong with
you, anyway? She's like, 12.
SKYLER
You guys, get out! Don't question my
love! My love is as pure as morning
snow! Get out, I said!
[The passageway. Kitty and the fat orange cat face each other]
KITTY
Rowr! (Rowrowrowrowr!)
ORAGNE CAT
Rowr!
KITTY
Rowr. Hrowr!
ORAGNE CAT
Geuugh.
KITTY
Meowr! Meowuh! Oh meah!
[Cartman's room. He begins recording]
CARTMAN
Testing, testing, 1 2. Sweet.
SHELLEY
We're going outside to watch a meteor
shower! I'm locking you in your room
'til we get back in, turd!
CARTMAN
Okay. See you in a while.
SHELLEY
Wha-?
CARTMAN
Will you tell me what they look like?
The meteor shower. They mostly come
every few years, mostly.
SHELLEY
What the hell is wrong with you?! How
come you're not yelling and whining?!
CARTMAN
Well, I just, I kind of like having
you around.
SHELLEY
What?! No you don't!
CARTMAN
No. Um seriously. See, I never had a
brother or a sister. I think people
that have a brother or a sister don't
realize how lucky they are. Sure, they
fight a lot, but you know there's always
somebody there, somebody that's family.
I wonder if, well, maybe sometimes,
I could pretend like you're my big sister.
And you could kind of, watch over me.
You know, like, we could watch a meteor
shower together sometime. Heh, and I
could pretend I'm somebody's brother,
if only for a day.
SHELLEY
...Oh, all right, get your turd coat.
You can come see the meteor shower with
us.
CARTMAN
Yuh, you mean it?
SHELLEY
But don't bug me and Skyler! Come on!
CARTMAN
Hooray! Yes. I'm gonna have your and
your boyfriend's voices on my Speak
and Record bear, and then you'll mostly
never babysit me again! Mostly.
[The Cartman backyard. Skyler and Shelley sit on a bench, Cartman
stands off to the side in front of them]
CARTMAN
Yes, yes, what a beautiful night! It
is Saturday the 12th at 10:45, and my
mother is away at a party right now.
SHELLEY
Shut up, turd!
CARTMAN
That, of course, is the voice of my
babysitter, Shelley Marsh, who is twelve.
SHELLEY
What are you doing?
CARTMAN
I'm just thinking out loud. Do you
have anything to say, Skyler, Shelley's
boyfriend who is sitting right heuh?
SHELLEY
Go away, turd!
CARTMAN
I'm sorry. Did you say something, Skyler?
Agh!
[South Park. Kitty walks around looking for some action]
KITTY
Meow
[The Cartman backyard. Meteors flash across the sky. Skyler tries
to kiss Shelley. Cartman stands close to the house with his Speak
and Record bear in full view]
SKYLER
Yeah! Come on! Give it up!
SHELLEY
No.
SKYLER
Give it up, babe!
SHELLEY
NO!
SKYLER
Come on, babih!
SHELLEY
No, Skyler, I'm not putting out for
you!
SKYLER
Why the hell not?!
SHELLEY
'Cause I'm twelve!
SKYLER
You're not putting out for me?
SHELLEY
No!
SKYLER
Well then, screw you, bitch! I've got
plenty of other girlfriends that will!
SHELLEY
What?? But I thought you liked me.
SKYLER
If you're not puttin' out, then I'm
movin' on! There's plenty of chicks
like you out there! Screw you, prude
bitch! Me and my badass guitar are going
home! Hasta!
CARTMAN
Gotcha!
[The living room. Shelley sits on the sofa crying, her face buried
in her hands. Cartman comes dancing in]
CARTMAN
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
Oh wicky wicky Wild West!
Shelley, guess who's busted! [Shelley continues crying] Hey!
I said, guess who's busted! [Shelley doesn't seem to realize
he's there] Eh, you're not gonna trick me, I've got the goods
on you!
SHELLEY
I don't care. He acted like he really
liked me. Nobody's ever liked me before.
I can't believe I trusted him. I'm
so stupid.
CARTMAN
Well, Shelley, he's 22. What, what were
you doing with him anyway?
SHELLEY
Nobody my age would go out with me 'cause
I'm too ugly.
CARTMAN
You're not ugly.
SHELLEY
You don't think so?
CARTMAN
Well, you're pretty ugly, but, you don't
have to be dating 22-year olds. I mean,
what kind of scumbag asshole dates 12-year
old girls?
SHELLEY
You're right! He is a scumbag! I wish
I could get him back! I just don't know
how.
CARTMAN
Weh-hull, I could ask Artemus Clyde
Frog. He would know.
SHELLEY
Huh?
CARTMAN
If you want, I could help you.
SHELLEY
Really? You would do that?
CARTMAN
Just let me get my cowboy hat.
[Outside. Kitty returns to the house, opens the front door, and
enters]
KITTY
Mreow? Mreow? Mreow!
[Skyler's pad. He sits on his sofa strumming his guitar. He hears
a knock on the door. He gets up, opens it, and looks down. Clyde
is there]
SKYLER
What the hell is this?!
POLLY
Help me! Help me! This is Salma Hayek.
Is anybody there?
SKYLER
Salma Hayek? Whoa, she's hot.
CARTMAN
Okay, it's clear.
[The woods.]
POLLY
Over here! Please, come quick!
[Skyler's pad. Cartman stands watch as Shelley gets to work]
CARTMAN
We don't have much time!
SHELLEY
This won't take me long!
[The Cartman house. The front door remains wide open as music
blares from inside. Cats are all over the living room. Kitty
bring a box of Playful Pussy catnip from outside and pours out
the catnip. The other cats rush towards it and divide amongst
themselves. One cat makes lines of it so he can snort it, another
snacks on a slice of pizza. Others sip from beer bottles. Some
cats come towards Kitty and she shows her ass again.]
[Skyler's pad. Cartman grows impatient]
CARTMAN
Hurry up in there!
SHELLEY
I'm almost done.
[The woods. Skyler is looking...]
SKYLER
Hello-o? Hello-o, Mrs. Hayek?
POLLY
Over here! Please help me! I am lost
and I have no clothes!
SKYLER
No clothes, right.
[Skyler's pad. Shelley finishes up]
[The woods. The search continues...]
POLLY
I'm over here! Please help me! I will
reward you greatly!
SKYLER
Right here, Miss Hayek!
POLLY
Oh, please help me!
SKYLER
What the?
POLLY
Please help me! I will give you tacos!
SKYLER
Dude, somebody tricked me! I'll make
you pay for making me come out here,
God damnit! Stupid asshole stuffed
animals trying to ruin my night! My
guitar! NOOOOO!
[The Cartman house. Shelley and Cartman return home]
CARTMAN
That was sooo cool! I wish we could've
seen his face!
SHELLEY
Thanks for all your help, Eric. You
know, as far as turds go, you're okay.
CARTMAN
Oh my God!
SHELLEY
They're having a cat orgy!
CARTMAN
You are all very bad kitties! That is
a bad, bad kitty!
SHELLEY
Your mom's gonna get home soon. We're
gonna get busted!
CARTMAN
Come on, kitties. Outside. Come on.
That's it. Come on, come on. Uh oh.
SKYLER
You two ruined my career! I'm gonna
get you! Umph Ogh! Oh! Owey! Owwey!
Duewy! Oh! Oh, you ripped my pants
off! Oh my God! Oohh mmy Ggoodd!
SHELLEY
Come on! We've got to get the house
clean before your mom gets home. You
know, Eric. It's kind of cool that two
people who hated each other can be friends.
CARTMAN
Yeah. I think we get along okay.
LIANE
Hi, kids. I'm home.
CARTMAN
Heh. Mom! Uh I can explain. It was
all Shelley's fault! She didn't watch
the cat!
SHELLEY
No! It's Eric's fault. He let those
cats in here.
LIANE
Oh, what a party that was! Hmm-hm-hm-hmm.
Hmm-hm-hm-hmm.
SHELLEY
Wow, she passed out.
CARTMAN
Luckily for us, my mom is a total lush.
SHELLEY
Well, let's clean up the house. Looks
like everything turned out o-kay.
CARTMAN
That's how it goes in the Wild Wild
West.
CARTMAN
Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's
Age, wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang
[credits roll]
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save
Salma Hayek from the big metal spider
Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh
Cowboy from the Westside.
Wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang
Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save
Salma Frog Polly Prissy Pants go down to...
Well... mm-Rumpertumskin.
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