"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 611
"CHILD ABDUCTION IS NOT FUNNY"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Tweek's house, night. He's on the sofa looking at news.]
NEWS ANCHOR
And in other news, another school shooting
has taken place, this time in Idaho.
As these kinds of shooting increase,
one thing becomes clear: Your children
are not safe at school.
TWEEK
Oh God! Change it! Change it!
NEWS ANCHOR
This was the second time a terrorist
threat has been made on a theme park,
leaving everyone to realize that children
are not safe outside.
TWEEK
Agh! God, change it!!
NEWS ANCHOR
And it seems there's a new danger to
look out for: children who are taken
by strangers. The bottom line: children
are not safe... in their own homes!
TWEEK
Aaaah!!
TWEEK'S MOM
Tweek.
TWEEK
Gahahghah
TWEEK'S MOM
Come to the kitchen, sweetie. We need
to see you real quick.
[Kitchen. Richard is at table as Tweek arrives. Tweek's mom is
serving coffee. There are two coffee makers in the background]
TWEEK
Oh God. They're gonna get me.
RICHARD
Sit down and have some coffee, son.
Tweek, there's starting to be a lot
of reports in the news about kids being
abducted, and we thought we should talk.
TWEEK
I s-I saw! Uuuh!
TWEEK'S MOM
You know never to talk to strangers,
right Tweek? You can't trust anybody.
TWEEK
Oh God! Huh!
RICHARD
Now, we don't want to alarm you, son,
but we've isntalled new locks on your
bedroom windows and door. Important
for you to know never to unlock them
at night for anyone except your mother
and I.
TWEEK
Oh Jesus! Huh!
TWEEK'S MOM
It's just a precaution, sweetie. Probably
nothing will ever happen.
[The Tweek house, after bedtime. Tweek is in his bed having a
nightmare.]
TWEEK
No, ...NO! They're gonna get me! GAAAH!
Huh, huh, huh-oh, oh God. Uh, just
a dream. OH MY GOD!! GAAAH!!
VOICE
Tweek! This is Officer Daniels! Now,
try and stay calm, but we believe an
abductor is in your room!
TWEEK
...Inside my room? Oh God!
VOICE
Give it up, buddy! We've got ya surrounded!
Okay, Tweek, I want you to very calmly
but quickly walk to the door and come
out to us!
TWEEK
Oh my God! Oh! Oh! Jesus, see me through
this. AAAHH!
VOICE
Bang! You're dead, Tweek.
TWEEK
What??
RICHARD
You failed the test, son. Didn't I tell
you not to open the door for anybody
except your mother and I?
TWEEK
Oh God! Oh Jesus!
TWEEK'S MOM
What if that had been a child abductor
pretending to be a police officer, Tweek?
RICHARD
He would have sprayed your brains all
over the floor and then taken your body
off to the woods. You've got to be
on your toes, Tweek. Alright, now go
to bed and get some rest.
TWEEK'S MOM
'Night, pumpkin.
[The Bijou, next day. "Men In Black II" is showing. Stan, Kyle,
Cartman and Tweek walk up to the ticket booth]
STAN
I hope this movie doesn't suck ass.
KYLE
It will.
CARTMAN
One please.
TWEEK
Wait, that's not the usual ticket-taker
guy!
KYLE
So?
TWEEK
So? I don't know him!
CARTMAN
Dude, relax.
TWEEK
You relax! What if he wants to kill
me?! AAAAAAAA!!
CARTMAN
Gah, what the hell do his parents do
to him?
[Down the road. Tweek is running, but soon tires out. A car pulls
up and the driver looks out the passenger window]
DRIVER
'Scuse me, is this the right road to
Breckenridge.
TWEEK
AAH! Uh...
DRIVER
Please, I just need to know if this
is "South Park"?
TWEEK
Get away from meee!
[A street corner. Tweek arrives there and stops to catch his
breath. An elderly lady walks up and taps his hair. Tweek screams
and jumps back. The crossing signal says "WALK," so it's alright
for both to cross the street]
ELDERLY LADY
Could you help me across the street?
TWEEK
I don't know you! Ah, AAAH!
[The outskirts of town. Tweek is running and arrives at some
train tracks. A man in a wheelchair sits between the tracks.
He looks behind to see that no one has followed him]
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
Oh, hey, kid! Oh, thank God you happened
by. My- my chair ran out of juice right
on these train tracks. If you hadn't
had shown up, well... Well, anyway,
could you give me a push?
TWEEK
Huh uh!
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
No, no, you don't understand. I'm, I'm
paralyzed from the neck down. I push
the chair with this device in front
of my mouth, but it's it's not working,
so you see-
TWEEK
I'm not supposed to talk to you!
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
Please, this, this isn't funny, kid.
You have to help me.
TWEEK
But it could be a trick! Ugh. That's
a pretty good trick.
[The Tweek house, night. Tweek is again asleep, peacefully. A
light fills the room and rouses him from his sleep. At the foot
of the bed is a man dressed in a robe. He holds a scepter in
his right hand and wears laurel branches on his head. He is glowing,
as is the bauble atop the scepter]
TWEEK
AaaaAAAHH!
MAN
Relax, Tweek. I am not here to hurt
you. I am the Ghost of Human Kindness.
TWEEK
The Ghost of Human Kindness?
TWEEK
What do you want?
TWEEK
Huh-uh, how can I help it? It seems
that everywhere I turn, someone is out
to get me.
TWEEK
It isn't?
[A woman enters the Shady Acres Retirement Community and heads
for the front door. Tweek and the ghost arrive and follow her
in]
[A one-story house, later. Tweek and the ghost reach the front
window]
[The camera looks at a snowy sky with a full moon and pans down.
Tweek and the ghost are walking down the highway]
[South Park. Tweek and the ghost are back in town]
TWEEK
I think so. You mean that, even though
all the news is about murderers and
abductors, those kind of people... only
make up a very small part of the world.
TWEEK
I'll... try.
TWEEK
Your van?
OFFICER 1
Alright Johnson, give it up!
TWEEK
What the hell is going on??
TWEEK'S MOM
Tweek, Tweek, are you okay?
RICHARD
Did he hurt you, son?
TWEEK
No
DETECTIVE
Then we aren't too late. His name is
Frederick Johnson. He's been abducting
children by dressing up like the Ghost
of Human Kindness for over a year now.
LIANE
What's going on?
SHARON
A stranger was caught trying to abduct
the Tweek boy.
KYLE'S MOTHER
An abductor in our town?
TOM
Oh my God, what are we gonna do?
[South Park City Hall, next day. The townsfolk are clamoring
outside the front door]
TOWNSFOLK
Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble
rabble rabble...
MAYOR MCDANIELS
People, people, calm down.
RANDY
Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! We
have to stop these abductors from being
able to get into our town!
TOWNSFOLK
Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble
rabble rabble...
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Yes, but standing out here yelling "Rabble
rabble rabble" isn't going to help anything.
JIMBO
Well we don't know what else to do,
Mayor!
TOWNSFOLK
Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble
rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
People, what do you think we need to
do?
KYLE'S FATHER
Uh, well, we need to find a way to
close our town off from unwanted strangers!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Yes, we need a barrier to protect our
kids.
TOWNSFOLK
Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble...
RANDY
Wait, that's it. A wall. We could build
a huge city wall all around South Park
so that we have complete control over
who comes in.
RICHARD
That's... not a bad idea, a city wall.
KYLE'S MOTHER
But who can we get to build it?
[City Wok, later. Several adults are in the restaurant]
MAYOR MCDANIELS
...And so, we want you to design and
build a great wall, all around the city.
CITY WOK OWNER
I don' build wall. I just own un' operate
City Wok.
KYLE'S FATHER
We just think that you're the best person
to put up a wall. We're sure you've
got it in your blood.
CITY WOK OWNER
Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese,
you think I build wall. That i' bullshit!
I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because
I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around
building wall! I'm just a normal person
like all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive
ahreally slow, just like the rest o'you!
I'm not stereotype!
SHARON
Please, Mr. Tuong Lu Kim.
RANDY
Your ancestors put up a great wall that
kept Mongolians out for thousands of
years. We know you can do it for us.
[Outside South Park, some weeks later. A great wall has gone
up around South Park, enclosing it like a medieval wall. This
is the Great Wall of South Park. Tuong, dressed in his restaurant's
uniform, is laying down some bricks. He hears some horses and
look up. Some Mongolians have arrived and drawn their swords.
They chip away at the wall.]
TUONG
Hey. Hey hey! Hey, what the hell you
doing?! Mongorians? What the hell Mongorians
doing here? Ey, fuck you, Mongorians!
Tryin' break down my wall! Get out
of here, fuckin' Mongorians! God-damnit,
how come every time us Chinese put up
a wall, stupid Mongorians have to come
and knock it down?
[South Park, now encircled by the Great Wall, later.]
[The Marsh house, living room. Stan is on the sofa watching TV.
His parents enter. Randy is carrying a box]
RANDY
Stan, our abduction problems are over.
We got the new Child Tracker.
STAN
Child Tracker?
SHARON
It's a little electrical device that
can tell us where you are anywhere on
Earth.
RANDY
If anybody takes you, we'll be able
to locate your exact location within
two meters.
[Moments later, Randy finishes installing the Tracker, and both
parents smile.]
RANDY
There, I think that's got it.
STAN
...Dude, no way! I'm not wearing Child
Tracker!
RANDY
You can barely even tell you have one
on.
STAN
I'm not going to school like this! What
will all the other guys say?!
SHARON
I wouldn't worry about that.
[School bus stop, next day. Stan is wearing his tracker. Kyle,
Cartman, and Tweek are wearing their own trackers. All trackers
are activated.]
CARTMAN
So weak. So weak, dude. Man.
KYLE
Why did you go and have to be abducted,
Tweek? Now all our parents are freaking
out!
TWEEK
I didn't mean to.
[The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong finishes the repairs on
the damaged section.]
TUONG
Okay. Finary. Oh no. It's those God-damned
Mongorians again! Stop! Stop right there,
Mongorians! God-damnit, stop! Stop
breaking down my city wall you stupid
Mongoriaaans! Ay, you sons of bitches,
you- What the hell?? Oh, shit! OH,
GOD-DAMNED MONGORIANS!! I'm gonna get
you, fuckin' Mongorians! Don't break
down my city wall! Oh, God-damnit!
That's the last time you're gonna break
down my city wall! You hear me, Mongorians?!
God-damned Mongorians.
[A baseball field. A cheer comes up from the bleachers. A close-up
shows the townsfolk rooting for their Cows.]
RICHARD
Alright, Cows, We're gonna go out there
and we're gonna give 'em hell!
KYLE
But, wait. Where's the other team?
RANDY
There is no other team.
STAN
Huh?
RICHARD
Well, we've... put a wall around the
city to keep outsiders out. You don't
think we want a bunch of strangers coming
in to play ball, do you?
STAN
But if there is no other team, then
it won't be any fun.
RANDY
Don't worry, it'll still be fun for
us.
TOWNSFOLK
Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows!
JIMBO
Play ball! Steeeeee-riiike
TOWNSFOLK
Yeah! Woohoo! Yeah!
[Crust E. Krotch's Pizza, Corral, night. The town is in there
celebrating a victory. Ned is playing "Thirst For Blood"]
JIMBO
South Park Cows do it again!
SHARON
Congratulations on your victory, boys.
KYLE
Dude, we weren't playing anybody.
RANDY
Yeah, and you kicked ass!
MR. GOODMAN
Isn't it awesome havin' a great wall
around our city? Nobody in town except
for our good friends.
TOWNSFOLK
Yeahah! Alright! Yeah. Right on! Right
on!
RICHARD
Guys! Sh, quiet everyone.
NEWS ANCHOR
And this newest study reveals more
about child abductions than we apparently
knew before, Tom.
SHARON
Turn it up.
TOM
That's right, Chris. This newest study
shows that the majority of child abductions
are NOT commited by strangers, but by
somebody the child knows in their own
town. The report further states that
it is because the child trusts the individual
that problems occur in the first place.
CHRIS
Well, I guess this means the enemy is
in our own backyard, so to speak.
TOM
Sure does, Tom.
CHRIS
Alright, thanks, Chris. Is the weather
going to turn su-
RICHARD
Well, if you'll all excuse us, I think
we'll be going now.
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah. Come along, Kyle
SHARON
Stanley, time for us to get back to
the house.
STAN
I'm not done with my pizza.
SHARON
NOW, Stanley!
[The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong is working on something
behind a brick shield.]
TUONG
Eh. Eh, eh, there we go. All finished.
My Mongolian Missile Defense system.
Those Mongolians try to break down
my city wall again, they gonna get a
big heat-seeking missile surprise!
Oh! Hello Mongolians. Yeah. You come
to break down my city wall? Oh, you
gonna throw that baseball at my wall??
Oh no! Not a baseball! I'm pretty scared.
Well, you know what? I might have something
here that's a little bigger than a baseball.
Say hello to my little friend! Aw,
crap. Ooohhhh God-damned Mongolians!!
You break down my city wall foda last
time!!
[South Park, the bus stop, next day. The parents are present
with the boys as they wait for the school bus]
STAN
Dude, this is worse than Child Tracker.
RICHARD
'Sokay, boys. Just act as if we weren't
here.
SHARON
Right. Do what you normally would do.
KYLE
You're such a fatass, Cartman.
CARTMAN
At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Whatwhatwhaaat??
[South Park Elementary. The bell rings and the class begins.
Mr. Mackey is at the board. ]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay, kids, so, now, who can tell me
what year the first moon landing took
place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?
MR. GOODMAN
Nineteen six-
COUNSELOR MACKEY
No helping! M'kay, I'm not really sure
havin' all the parents here is a good
idea, m'kay?
RICHARD
Well, maybe things could be better if
we could trust people like the Stotches!
CHRIS
Us?? Your family's all be the shifty-eyed
ones!
RICHARD
Oh yeah?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, this is too much to take. Mom,
Dad, could you please leave me alone?
MR. MACKEY'S FATHER
We just wanna make sure nobody hurts
you, Junior, m'kay?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
M'kay.
[Great Wall of South Park. Mr. Lu Kim wheels a vat of boiling
fluid to one of the openings]
TUONG
Hahahaha! My masterpiece! When those
Mongolians come next time, I pour this
sweet and sour pork on their heads.
Haha, sweet and sour pork so hot and
sticky, Mongolians'll stick ahright
up to the wall! And scream "UhwOoOoOoOoo!"
Oh I can't wait. Oh, I get it. A Trojan
Mongolian horse. Mongolians a-hiding
inside thinking that I'll bring it in
city wall, then Mongolians pop out and
destroy wall from the inside out without
gettin' any sweet and sour pork on their
heads! Okay. I'll pray around. Oh!
Oh rook! Rook, my very own Mongorian
Trojan horse! Gee, what a surprise!
I guess Mongorians aren't such crappy,
smelly people after all! Yeah. Great!
Rwow! Yeah, what a great present! I'm
just gonna push it inside the gate and
soon tell all my friends. Oh, it's
sweet and sour pork! Oh! I'm going
to get you Nogodians, if it's the last
thing I do!
[The Tweek house, night. The parents are in the living room sitting
together on the sofa watching TV and sharing a bag of popcorn.
A blanket covers their legs. The surroundings show an iron door
where the front door is, and roll-down iron blinds over the windows]
NEWS ANCHOR
And so all the residents of Manhattan
are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's
ass gets any bigger. And in other news,
new findings on the increase in child
abductions.
RICHARD
Oh Jesus, turn it up, honey!
NEWS ANCHOR
The study shows that the most likely
abductors of children... are the parents
themselves! The study reveals that
nine out of every ten abduction cases
are commited by the child's mother or
father. The bottom line being that your
children aren't safe, even from you!
RICHARD
Where are you going?
MRS. TWEEK
Uh. I'm just going to go upstairs and
see if Tweek is still in his bed.
RICHARD
Oh?? I think I'll go with you.
MRS. TWEEK
It's okay. I can do it.
RICHARD
I just want to make sure that you-
MRS. TWEEK
That I don't abduct him? How do I know
that you haven't done it already??
RICHARD
Me?? I would never abduct our son!
MRS. TWEEK
That's not what the new study says!
RICHARD
Well what are we supposed to do, eh-?
How can we protect Tweek from ourselves?
[South Park, next day. The familes gather on a neighborhood street.
The parents are hugging their kids.]
RANDY
Here you go, Stanley. This should hold
you over for three years.
STAN
But why do I have to leave?
RANDY
The news says that at your age you aren't
safe with us, son. You have to get out
of here before we abduct you.
SHARON
Good-bye, son. Remember to eat right.
KYLE'S FATHER
Look out for your brother, Kyle. You're
the man now.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, boys! Don't ever forget that we
love you!
LINDA STOTCH
Be careful out there!
STAN
Where are we supposed to go?
RANDY
We can't tell you because we can't know
where you are!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, this is terrible!
MR. GOODMAN
Go on, kids! Go! Go and don't look back!
RANDY
Good-bye, kids. We'll... never forget
you.
STAN
Dude, sometimes I think our parents
are really stupid.
A WOMAN
Oh my God.
[The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong is still congealed
under the sweet and sour sauce the Mongolians dumped on him,
but the Trojan Mongolian horse is gone. A dog walks by and sniffs]
TUONG
Ah. Hey daw. O'er 'ere. O'er 'ere, dog.
Got som'in sweet and souh foh ya. Good
dog! That's it! Keep licking, dog!
[Some time later. Tuong runs along the ramparts of the wall,
finally freed from the sweet and sour pork that had held him
in place]
TUONG
Hahahahahaaa! I'm free, Mongolians!
And now I'm gonna make you PAY!
[The Marsh house, night. Randy is at the sofa watching the news.]
NEWS ANCHOR
Finally, some good news tonight. It's
been several days since any child abductions
have taken place. The main reason: parents
don't know where their children are.
RANDY
What's the matter?
SHARON
Oh, it's just... I was wondering if
Stan's okay.
RANDY
Oh, I'm sure he's made it somewhere
safe by now.
SHARON
Do you really think we did the right
thing, Randy? Sending all the young
kids in town to live on their own?
RANDY
Sweetheart, you saw the news...
SHARON
I know.
RANDY
Don't you worry. I'm sure that Stan
and all the other kids are somewhere
safe, off in a whole new city by now,
making a new life for themselves.
[A Mongolian camp outside the Great Wall of South Park, night.
The Mongolians are roasting and enjoying small animals, and drying
the hides near a tent. The town's kids are now with them, wearing
new clothes.]
LEADER
Tah tane da ke ab kahleh kalabush.
STAN
Bi ologad bag, big nan dastai.
MONGOLIAN
De bandig baeakhalah?
CARTMAN
Tawya mea pleda cleah bleah.
TWEEK
Triben fak burushban.
ALL
Shain balag!
[The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong pops up outside the
wall dressed in imperial attire.]
TUONG
Awright, Mongolians! Your only way through
this wall is through me. This is my
rast stand! I'm gonna do my war dance
now. Does my war dance ascare you,
Mongolians? Yeah, you think you want
a piece of this? This is ancient Chinese
dance of a- Oh, herro kids. Uh be careful,
there's a-Mongolians up there. Oh,
crap!
RANDY
What's going on?
LIANE
I heard an explosion.
TUONG
God-damned Mongolians attacked city
wall again!
MAN IN BACK
Mongolians??
RANDY
What the hell are they doin' here?!
Rabble! Rabble rabble!
ADULTS
Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
RICHARD
Wait a minute. Those Mongolians are...
our children.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Ike?? Kyle??
SHARON
My son has become a Mongolian?? No!
Noooo!!
RICHARD
Oh God. What have we done? We sent our
children away, and now they don't even
remember who they are.
MR. GOODMAN
Kids? Don't you remember us?
RANDY
Wait wait. I learned some Mongolian
in college. Ah, let's see. Uh. K-kids,
uh, Bi kute. Bi salnek kute. Uh-d tah
tasobarro.
STAN
Oh my God, our parents are so stupid,
dude.
RANDY
Bi kute.
MR. GOODMAN
We are your parents. You used to live
here, with us.
KYLE
Yeah, it was like four days ago!
RICHARD
They're starting to remember.
RANDY
Staaan. Your name... is Staaan!
STAN
Uh huh, Stan Marsh.
RANDY
That's it! Remember, son! Rememmmber!
RICHARD
We're sorry, Tweek!
MR. GOODMAN
Are you okay, Clyde?
CHRIS
Oh, son, can you ever forgive us?
BUTTERS
Huh, I'm over here, Dad.
CHRIS
Oh.
KYLE'S MOTHER
We're sorry, kids. We just let all those
sensationalist news reports go to our
heads.
RICHARD
Oh my God, do you see what this means?
The Ghost of Human Kindness was right
all along.
MR. GOODMAN
You mean how he said we should trust
each other, or how he abducted children?
RICHARD
The uh... no no, the part about being
more trusting. We should follow what
he said, not what he did.
ADULTS
Wow, yeah. Oh yeah.
RANDY
No, no. You know who was right all along?
The Mongolians. They knew that you
just can't wall yourself off from the
outside world. Putting walls up never
helps anything. Tearing them down brings
us together.
ADULTS
Whoa! Wow. Right!
CHRIS
Yeah, the Mongolians were right. Yeah.
TUONG
Aw, you'd better not say what I think
you're gonna say.
MAYOR MCDANIELS
Mr. Lu Kim, tear down this wall!
TUONG
Oh, God! I hate this whole shitty!
SHARON
Randy, can we just take our son home
now?
RANDY
Yes, kids. With us, now come. Home.
Hoomme.
STAN
Jesus Christ, dude, they've done some
stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ.
THE END
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