"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 709
"CHRISTIAN ROCK HARD"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Stan and the boys are in the Marsh garage belting out tunes,
but their musical styles are scattered. Cartman sings lead, Stan
and Kyle on are guitars, Kenny is on the drums]
CARTMAN
God damnit!
RANDY
Stan, are you okay?
STAN
Yeah, dad. We're just rehearsing our
band.
RANDY
Ooohhh, I thought a group of Vietnamese
people were having their intestines
pulled out through their mouths.
CARTMAN
Heheheheheh heheheheheh.
KYLE
He's right, dude. We have to define
our style if we're ever going to make
a platinum album. I mean, ah I'm a fusion
guy, but Kenny's background is more
Latin Jazz.
KENNY
(What? Is it?)
STAN
Yeah, and I'm more hip-hop and R-and-B
oriented.
KYLE
I think out band better buy a whole
bunch of music CDs to listen to for
inspiration.
CARTMAN
Inspiration. Wait a minute, that's
it. Inspiration, you guys. Don't you
see?
STAN
See what?
CARTAMN
Our band should play Christian rock!
KYLE
Christian rock?!
CARTMAN
Think about it! It's the easiest crappiest
music in the world, right? If we just
play songs about how much we love Jesus,
all the Christiand will buy our crap!
KYLE
That's a retarded idea, Cartman!
CARTMAN
It worked for Creed!
STAN
I don't wanna be in a stupid Christian
rock band!
CARTMAN
You just start that way, Stan, then
you cross over. It's genious!
KYLE
Just get the hell out of here, Cartman!
You're not serious and you're a detriment
to the band!
CARTMAN
Oh yeah?! I will bet you ten bucks that
if I start a Christian rock band that
I can get a platinum album before you
guys do!
KYLE
You're on, fat boy!
CARTMAN
Okay, fine! Ready?! First one to have
a platinum album wins! Go!
KYLE
What a stupid asshole!
[The neighborhood, day. Cartman runs through the streets. He
appears over a rise on one of the streets]
CARTMAN
Platinum album! Platinum album! Gotta
make a platinum album before Kyle!
BUTTERS
Oh, hi Eric.
CARTMAN
Butters! Get your drum set and meet
me at my house! We have to make a platinum
album! Hurry, Butters!
BUTTERS
...Ohhh!
[Token's mansion. Cartman runs up to the front door]
CARTMAN
No time to waste! Platinum album! Must
beat Kyle! Token! Get the bass guitar
out of your basement and meet me over
at my house!
TOKEN
What?! We don't have a bass guitar.
CARTMAN
Your family's black, Token! There's
bound to be a bass guitar in your basement
somewhere!
[Cartman's house. He and Butters are in the living room. Cartman
is at the piano, Butters is on drums.]
BUTTERS
Whoa, you sure seem with it, Eric. You
must have some... ih-inspiration.
CARTMAN
Yes, the tears of Kyle Broflovski when
he loses his ten dollars to me.
TOKEN
Hey, there was a bass guitar in my
basement.
CARTMAN
I told you, Token.
TOKEN
So, what are we doing?
CARTMAN
Gentlemen, we are about to embark on
the most amazing, life-affirming, financially-windfalling
experiences of our young lives.
BUTTERS
Wow!
CARTMAN
We are going to start... a Christian
rock band.
BUTTERS
Awww.
TOKEN
I'm out.
CARTMAN
Wait! Walk out that door, Token, and
you'll regret it the rest of your life!
Christians have a built-in audience
of over one hundred and eighty million
Americans! If each one of them buys
just one of our albums at twelve dollars
and ninety-five cents that would be-
BUTTERS
Two billion, three hundred and thirty
one million dollars.
CARTMAN
Still want to leave, Token? Thank you.
[The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald and Sheila are on
the sofa. Gerald reads a book, Sheila is knitting]
KYLE
Dad, can I borrow three hundred dollars?
KYLE'S FATHER
Three hundred dollars?? What in the
world for??
KYLE
Our band can't find a stylistic direction
to go in. We need to go down to the
mall to buy hundreds of CDs to listen
to so we can define our sound.
KYLE'S FATHER
Sorry Kyle, we gave you your allowance
already.
KYLE
Ugh. Can't you see this is my dream??
Music is my life!
KYLE'S FATHER
It wasn't your life yesterday.
KYLE
Hold it. Pops, I've got the music inside
me. It's in my soul. And I know my place
is up on that stage. I'm gonna make
it to the top. And I just want your
blessing, Pops.
KYLE'S FATHER
The answer is no, Kyle.
KYLE
Aw, come on Dad, don't be such a Jew!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, don't belittle your own people!
KYLE
Aaaargh!
STAN
Hey dude.
KYLE
It didn't work! My stupid Jew dad won't
lend me money for CDs!
STAN
No, dude, it's cool. Kenny says you
can download music for free on the Internet!
KYLE
Really?
KENNY
(Yeah!)
STAN
You got a computer?
[Stan's Dad's den, moments later. The boys are at the computer.
Stan works the keyboard as Kyle and Kenny watch.]
STAN
See? Everyone on the Internet copies
their music from their CDs, and then
we can download them for free and play
them on the computer!
KYLE
All right, cool. Let's donwload some
Metallica, and some Stevie Wonder.
KENNY
(Oh you forgot to get some Judas Priest.)
STAN
Kenny's right. We should download some
Judas Priest, too.
KYLE
Judas Priest. Wow! Downloading music
for free is awesome!
STAN
What the hell is that?
KYLE
I don't know. Let me go check.
AGENT 1
Freeze!! FBI!!
AGENT 2
Down on the ground! Down on the ground!
AGENT 3
Hurry up! Let me see those hands!
AGENT 2
Tango Teamus to Point Bravo! Suspects
in custody!
AGENT 4
Move move move move move move! All clear,
men! Get your ass going!
AGENT 5
Move move move move move move! Move!
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, what did you do?!
KYLE
I don't know!
[Cartman's house. He, Token and Butters begin to practice]
CARTMAN
All right, guys, this is gonna be so
easy. All we have to do to make Christian
songs is take regular old songs and
add Jesus stuff to them. See? All we
have to do is cross out words like "baby"
and "Darling" and replace them with
Jesus. All right, Butters, give me
a beat. Okay, nice. Very nice. All
right, Token, give me a smooth bass
line.
TOKEN
I don't know how to play bass.
CARTMAN
Token, how many times do we have to
go through this? You're black. You can
play bass.
TOKEN
I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes!
CARTMAN
Be as sick as you want, just give me
a God-damned bass line!
TOKEN
God-damnit!
CARTMAN
All right. Nice, fellas. Nice.
I need you in my life, Jesus.
I can't live without you, Jesus
And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus.
BUTTERS
Well done!
[United States Federal Bureau of Investigation, day. Inside,
a detective reviews some reports on the boys' Internet activity.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait on the other side of the table]
KYLE
Um, sir-
DETECTIVE
Shiut up!! You downloaded a lot of
songs! Says here you even downlaoded
Judas Priest? That's hard time you boys
are lookin' at. You got anything to
say for yourselves?
KYLE
We d-didn't think it was that big a
deal.
DETECTIVE
Not a big deal! You think downloading
music for free is not a big deal?! Put
your couts on! I'm gonna show you something!
And I don't think you're gonna like
it!
[A mansion, somewhere, day. The agent has taken the boys for
a ride and arrived here. He leads them to the main gate]
DETECTIVE
This is the home of Lars Ulrich, the
drummer for Metallica. Look. There's
Lars now, sitting by his pool.
KYLE
What's the matter with him?
DETECTIVE
This month he was hoping to have a gold-plated
shark tank bar installed right next
to the pool, but thanks to people downloading
his music for free, he must now wait
a few months before he can afford it.
Come. There's more. Here's Britney
Spears' private jet. Notice anything?
Britney used to have a Gulfstream IV.
Now she's had to sell it and get a Gulfstream
III because people like you chose to
download her music for free. The Gulfstream
III doesn't even have a remote control
for its surround-sound DVD system. Still
think downloading music for free is
no big deal?
KYLE
We... didn't realize what we were doing,
eh...
DETECTIVE
That is the folly of man. Now look in
this window. Here you see the loving
family of Master P. Next week is his
son's birthday and, all he's ever wanted
was an island in French Polynesia.
KYLE
So, he's gonna get it, right?
DETECTIVE
I see an island without an owner. If
things keep going the way they are,
the child will not get his tropical
paradise.
STAN
We're sorry! We'll, we'll never download
music for free again!
DETECTIVE
Man must learn to think of these horrible
outcomes before he acts selfishly or
else... I fear... recording artists
will be forever doomed to a life of
only semi-luxury.
[Some bluffs by a beach, dawn. Cartman, Token and Butters scramble
over some boulders to get to the beach. Seagulls fly overhead]
CARTMAN
Almost there, you guys.
BUTTERS
Ow...
TOKEN
Why the hell did you tell us to dress
nice to take us out here?
CARTMAN
Because, Token, we have to take pictures
for our album cover. The key to a hot-selling
Christian album is a flashy inspirational
album cover.
BUTTERS
Wow, neato! An album cover!
TOKEN
This Christian album better make as
much money as you said it would, tubby!
CARTMAN
I'm going to kill you one day, Token.
TOKEN
What did you say?!
CARTMAN
Nothing. All right, guys, stand over
there and look wholesome and cool. I
have a timer on this thing so I can
get in the shot too.
BUTTERS
Cheese!
CARTMAN
No no no! Haven't you guys ever seen
an album cover? You're supposed to be
standing in random places, looking away
like you don't care!
BUTTERS
Cheese!
CARTMAN
No! Butters, you can't look happy on
the album cover! That's not cool!
BUTTERS
Oh...
CARTMAN
Token, look away to the right. More.
More!
TOKEN
Why the hell would I be looking way
over there??
CARTMAN
So it looks like you're too cool to
care that you're on an album cover,
you black asshole! Now just hold it!
Our first album cover.
Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go.
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that
door.
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights.
[The FBI building, next day. The parents have shown up to retrieve
the boys]
KYLE'S FATHER
Thanks for releasing them to us, detective.
Sorry for all the trouble they caused.
DETECTIVE
It's all right. I think these boys learned
their lesson.
STAN
Boy, I'll say!
DETECTIVE
If you parents will just step over here,
you can pay their four hundred dollar
release and penalty fees.
RANDY
Four hundred dollars? Just for downloading
some songs off the Internet? It's not
that big a deal.
DETECTIVE
Not a big deal, huh?! Come with me!
I'm gonna show you something! And I
don't think you're gonna like it!
STAN
Wugh, dude. I can't wait to just go
back home and get back to band practice.
KENNY
(Yeah)
KYLE
No! Didn't you guys learn anything?
Look, if we make an album, all that's
gonna happen is that people are gonna
steal our songs for free off the Internet.
We won't make a dime!
STAN
Oh yeah.
KYLE
Until we get people to stop downloading
music for free, I say we refuse to play!
KENNY
(Yeah!)
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,
where the rock band, MOOP, has refused
to play. The strike started yesterday
and could go well into next week.
CARTMAN
Oh hey guys. How's it going?
KYLE
We're not letting you back in the band,
Cartman! Fuck off!
CARTMAN
I don't wanna be in your crappy band,
guys. I just wanted to let you know,
the album for my Christian rock band,
Faith + 1, is about to go platinum.
STAN
It is??
CARTMAN
That's right. We already sold thirteen
copies. You wanna pay me that ten-dollar
bet, Kyle? Nyanyanyanya nya nya! Hahahaha
ha ha!
KYLE
You get a platinum album for selling
one million copies, you fat turd!
CARTMAN
It's just a matter of time, my friends.
This weekend is Christfest. The single
largest gathering of Christians in the
Midwest. Each one of them a walkng,
praying wallet full of cash. And I'll
be there selling my album.
KYLE
You'll never get a platinum album doing
Christian rock, Cartman! It was a stupid
idea then, and it's a stupid idea now!
STAN
Yeah, you don't even know anything about
Christianity.
CARTMAN
I know enough to exploit it. Just get
that ten bucks ready, Kyle. Tata!
KYLE
Go ahead! People will just download
your songs for free on the Internet
anyways!
STAN
What a dumbass. Our band is way cooler
than his.
KENNY
(Yeah.)
[Christ-fest, night. A stadium's parking lot is crowded with
all sorts of booths selling stuff.]
T-SHIRT VENDOR
Psalm T-Shirts! Get a T-Shirt with your
favorite psalm!
BIBLE VENDOR
Leather-bound bibles. Show your faith.
CARTMAN
Yes, it's really the best Christian
album that's evern been produced, actually..
ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh, this will be great for my grandchildren.
They need hip cool music, but with inspirational
lyrics.
CARTMAN
I think that's what the whole world
needs, praise Christ.
BUTTERS
Huh we're not really Christians, we're
just pretendin' we are.
CARTMAN
Butters, remind me later to cut your
balls off.
MC
All right, everyone! Welcome to Christfest
2003! are you ready for some live music?
A MAN
Yeah Jesus!
MC
Then let's give it up now for one of
Christian rock's biggest bands! Trinity!
TRINITY
The Shepherd and the Light, and His
Word lifted me up
And I praise His Holy Name wherever I go.
CARTMAN
Damnit! If we're gonna sell our hot
Christian album, we have got to get
on that stage!
BAND MEMBER 1
Hey is this the way to the backstage?
CARTMAN
Who are you?
BAND MEMBER 1
We're the band Sanctified. We play metal
and punk, but with lyrics that inspire
faith in Christ.
BAND MEMBER 2
Yeah. We proved that Christian music
can be tough and hard core.
CARTMAN
Yeah, you guys are real hard core.
BAND MEMBER 1
You bet your gosh-darned rear end we
are!
STAGE HAND
All right, uhh, Sanctified, you guys
are up next.
BAND MEMBER 3
Yeah! Let's do it!
BAND MEMBER 2
Sent down from Heaven! The Spirit and
the Glory!
CARTMAN
Eh hey guys, wait, uh, ..we wannaaa
play with you before you go onstage.
BAND MEMBER 2
Well, that, that's cool.
BAND MEMBER 1
Always good to be praying before you're
playin'.
CARTMAN
Let's just go over here so we can hear
ourselves better. Lord, Father in Heaven,
we thank you for all your blessings
and we...
BUTTERS
Hey, Eric, I don't think they can get
out.
MC
All right, Christians, how are you feeling
tonight?
FANS
Praise Jesus! Praise him! My Lord!
MC
Let's keep this salvation train going
with the hot band, Sanctified!
STAGE HAND
That's Faith + 1.
MC
Uh. Uh apparently there's been a change.
Give it up for ... Faith + 1!
CARTMAN
You know, Jesus? I've been thinking
a lot about you lately and, well, that's
why I wrote this song.
I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me
[the fans sway back and forth]
I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby!
You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you,
right?
What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby!
Your love... is my life! You know when I’m without you, there's
a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh!
I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night
and it's up to you to
Save me! Jee...sus...bay-by!
[Kyle's house, day. The MOOP boys are still sitting on the steps,
sulking, striking]
STAN
Dude, I didn't know being in a band
was gonna be this tough.
KYLE
Yeah, it's tough. But it's times like
these that... you see what your band
is made of. We've gotta fight through
the rough times like Journey!
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, we're now entering the second
day of the rock band MOOP's refusal
to play, and the second day of absolutely
no other news to report on. In a recent
poll we asked people if MOOP's refusal
to play would stop them from downloading
music off the Internet. One percent
said yes. Two percent said no. And ninety-seven
percent said, "Who the hell is MOOP?!"
Back to you, Tom.
LARS ULRICH
Hey, are you the guys protesting free
Internet music downloading?
STAN
Hey, it's that Lars Ulrich guy!
LARS ULRICH
That's right. Metallica is behind you
dudes a thousand percent!
JAMES HETFIELD
We're gonna sit here and protest with
you until free downloadin' stop, hyeah!
FIELD REPORTER
Tom, it appears now the musicians' strike
is growing! As I'm speaking, more musicians
are arriving! It looks like Alanis Morissette,
Blink 182, Britney Spears, and dozens
of others are going to join MOOP in
not playing music. This is a veritable
Strikapalooza!
[Faith Records. Doves fly across the view. The building is bathed
in bright sunlight]
CEO
Guys, we here at Faith Records were
very moved by your performance at Christfest.
You're one of the most talented Christian
rock bands we've ever heard!
CARTMAN
Thank you so much. Christ has really
blessed us with talent.
BUTTERS
Heeheeheeyeah.
EXECUTIVE 1
We just have one question, though.
We were looking over some of your lyrics,
uh... "I want to walk hand-in-hand with
Jesus on a private beach for two./I
want him to nibble on my ear and say
'I'm here for you.'" Ih it seams you
really love Christ.
CARTMAN
Yes, we sure do.
EXECUTIVE 1
Eh no but ih it appears you are actually...
in love with Christ.
CARTMAN
Well what are you saying? That, that
you don't really love Christ??
EXECUTIVE 1
Well uh of course I do. I mean I just-
CARTMAN
Well what's the difference?! You love
Christ, you're in love with Christ,
I mean, uh, what the heck is this??
EXECUTIVE 1
Uh, we'd just like to make sure the
bands we sign are in it for God, and
not for the money.
CARTMAN
I resent that, sir! I have never in
my life done anything just for the money!
If I'm lying may the Lord strike me
down right now.
BUTTERS
Uhm, oh.
EXECUTIVE 1
That's- all we needed to know. Just,
sign here and we'll get your album sold.
[Commercial. A partly-cloudy sky is shown]
ANNOUNCER
K-tal Records presents the most inspirational
Christian rock band in the world! Faith
+ 1, featuring the very best in good,
wholesome Christian music.
CARTMAN
Oh Lord you are my Savior! You know
I miss you so much when you are gone.
ANNOUNCER
With great inspirational songs like
"I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday," ""
CARTMAN
Yes I may be born again, but I was wasn't
born again yesterday. I wanna get down
on my knees and start pleasing Jesus!
I wanna feel his salvation all over
my face!
ANNOUNCER
The CD is filled with instant classics.
Who doesn't remember...
CARTMAN
The Body of Christ! Sleek swimmer's
body, all muscled up and toned!
The Body of Christ! O, Lord Almighty, I wish I could call it
my own! You're one time, two times, three times my Savior...
Whenever I see Jesus up on that Cross I can't help but think
that he looks kinda hot...
ANNOUNCER
This album is not available in stores
and limited quantities are available,
so order now!
[Kyle's house, day. Various musical acts, some of them from Chef
Aid, have gathered to strike agains free music donwloads with
MOOP, including the Lord of the Underworld.]
STAN
I can't take this much longer. Maybe
we're just, not cut out to be in a band.
KYLE
You guys, we can't give up on our dreams
now! As soon as this strike ends, we're
gonna be the biggest band ever!
LARS
Yeah, if we all give in now, people
might never stop downloading our music
for free!
KYLE
I'm sure we're gonna get word any minute
that people have agreed to stop.
DRIVER
Certified letter for the rock band MOOP?
KYLE
That's us! "Dear MOOP. This letter
is to inform you that Faith Plus One's
debut album has just sold one million
copies."
STAN
What??
KYLE
"We cordially invite you to attend the
platinum album award ceremony, which
will be held tomorrow morning at ten.
Details and proof of sales enclosed.
P.S. Nananana na na. Hahahaha ha ha."
He did it. Cartman got a platinum album.
STAN
Is this for real?? This is for real!
KYLE
He beat us. Because all this time we've
been so caught up with how to protect
our music that we forgot to just play.
LARS
But why play if we're not gonna make
millions of dollars.
KYLE
Because that's what real artists do.
People are always gonna find a way to
copy our music and swap it for free.
If we're real musicians, then we should
just play and be stoked that so many
people are listening.
STAN
Beside, maybe our sound would have
gotten downloaded for free, but if they
were good songs then people still would
have bought tickets to see our band
in concert.
KYLE
From now on, MOOP isn't about money.
MOOP is about music! We're not striking
anymore! Who's with us?!
BRITNEY
...We're just about the money.
OTHER ACTS
Yeah, yeah.
KYLE
Oh.
STAN
So... Dude, what are you gonna do about
your bet with Cartman. Are you- gonna
pay 'im?
KYLE
I don't have a choice, dude. I'm gonna
swallow my pride, face Cartman, and
say "Congratulations. You were right"
And I'm gonna give him the ten dollars.
And hopefully, he won't make a big deal
out of it.
[Platinum album award ceremony, South Park, next day. Cartman
has spent plenty of money to make this possible. He brings forth
a parade complete with elephants, clowns, jugglers, a marching
band, carnival rides, the works. Cartman stands on stage with
Token and Butters before a curtain with a large image of his
album cover printed on it]
CARTMAN
Welcome! Welcome everyone! Please enjoy!
The presentation should begin shortly.
TOKEN
Cartman, what the hell is all this?
CARTMAN
Our platinum album ceremony. I spared
no expense.
TOKEN
But you spent all the money we made!
CARTMAN
We're Faith Plus One, Token, there'll
be plenty more money. Relax and enjoy,
black asshole. There's hors d'oeuvres
and drinks by the Ferris wheel, everyone!
Oh Kyle, guys, so nice to see you!
KYLE
Let's just get this over with, Cartman.
You won the bet, here's ten dollars.
CARTMAN
Oh nonononono, not yet, Kyle. Hold
on. Everyone! Everyone, can I have
your attention please?
A FAN
We like to praise Christ!
CARTMAN
Yes, yes, thank you thank you. Praise
Him. I think we're ready to start now.
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the presentation ceremony
for Faith Plus One. And now to present
the award, here's Michael Collins.
KYLE
This is the worse day of my life.
CARTMAN
Ahhh, this is the best day of my life.
MICHAEL COLLINS
Boys, in recognition for over one million
records sold, the Christian Recording
Industry is please to present you with
this Myrrh album.
CARTMAN
Thank you very uh- wah? Myrrh album?
STAN
I thought albums win either gold or
platinum.
MICHAEL COLLINS
Nono, in Christian rock, our albums
go gold and frankincense and myrrh.
Congratulations!
KYLE
Ha! Our bet was that you would get a
platinum album, not a myrrh album! I
don't owe you anything, fat boy!
CARTMAN
You mean to tell me I could never get
a platinum album with a Christian rock
band?!
MICHAEL COLLINS
No, but you can go double myrrh.
CARTMAN
GOD DAMNIT!!
MICHAEL COLLINS
Oh, please don't take the Lord's Name
in vain.
CARTMAN
Who cares?! I can never win my bet because
you stupid assholes don't give out platinum
albums!
MICHAEL COLLINS
But you spread the Word of the Lord.
You've brought faith in Jesus.
CARTMAN
OH, FUCK JESUS!!
BUTTERS
Eric, I-I'm pretty sure you shouldn't
say the F-word about-uh Jesus.
TOKEN
Yeah. You're gonna hurt the band.
CARTMAN
Who fuckin' cares, Token?! I could
never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again!
Fuck Jesus!
A MAN
My ears are bleeding!
TOKEN
Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire
audience!
CARTMAN
Ah, fuck you, Token! You black asshole!
STAN
Hm. Guess he got what he deserved.
BUTTERS
Fuck you, Eric.
THE END
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