"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 212
"CLUBHOUSES"
Written by
Trey Parker & Nancy Pimental
[A familiar intro plays, a playground scene. Bill plays catch
with anotheir kid, Jordan and the black kid are on swings, and
Pip is on a hobby elephant. Stan is hiding behind a tree, using
his mitted hand as a gun]
STAN
Sgt. Stanley Marsh is trapped behind
enemy lines. His only chance of survival
is to sneak past the Bosnian guard who
stands watch. Sgt. Marsh knows it's
now or never. He must make a run for
it. American base is only a few feet
away.
CARTMAN
Master thief, halt! It will take more
than your weak American weapons to destroy
me!
STAN
Cartman, we shot your Bosnian fat ass!
KYLE
Yeah! You're dead!
CARTMAN
I have Class 4 armor on, that, uh, ih-ih-
STAN
No, you don't!
CARTMAN
-special armor, that's impenetrable
to American bullets.
KYLE
Dude! Every time we play Americans vs.
Bosnians, you cheat!
STAN
Yeah, Cartman, you suck! If you want
to play Americans vs. Bosnians any more,
you can just play with yourself!
CARTMAN
That's fine! I'd like playing with myself!
I'll play with myself all day long!
What?
[Some distance away from Cartman…]
KYLE
Well? Now what are we going to do?
STAN
Huh-I donno.
WENDY
Hi, Stan.
STAN
Hi, Wendy.
WENDY
Kyle, doesn't Bebe look pretty today?
KYLE
I donno.
WENDY
She does. She looks very pretty.
KYLE
Okay.
WENDY
Stan, can I talk to you for a second?
Stan, wouldn't it be fun if we fixed
Kyle up with Bebe?
STAN
…No.
WENDY
If Bebe and Kyle were a couple, then
we can invite them over to your clubhouse
for dinner and play parlor games and
have meaningful conversations and sip
cognac by the fireplace.
STAN
We could?
WENDY
Yeah, Stan.
STAN
But dude, I don't have a clubhouse.
WENDY
You don't?? I thought all guys had clubhouses.
STAN
Just how many guys' clubhouses have
you been in?
[Back near the tree, Cartman is sitting on Kenny]
CARTMAN
El Commandant Cartman has ways of making
you talk!
KENNY
(Heellp!!)
WENDY
Stan, you have to build a clubhouse!
Then all four of us can sit in it and
play Truth or Dare!
STAN
Truth or Dare? Wow. Come on, Kyle.
We've got work to do.
KYLE
We do?
STAN
We're gonna build a clubhouse. I have
to ask my dad for help.
BEBE
Did it work?
WENDY
I think it did, Bebe. If all goes as
planned, Kyle will be your new boyfriend.
BEBE
I hope so Wendy. He's got such a hot
ass.
[The Marsh house. Randy turns on the TV and ends up on Terrance
and Phillip. They are in a church.]
TERRANCE
Hey, Phillip, pull my finger.
PHILLIP
All right, Terrance.
TERRANCE
Hurgh. Oh, wait wait wait. Pull harder.
PHILLIP
Well, all right.
TERRANCE
Hurgh, urgh. Damn it! Pull really hard,
Phillip!
PHILLIP
Okay.
TERRANCE
Hurgh-rrh. Waiwait, wait wait. Hrhrhrhrh.
Aha! Hr-rhrh. Oh my! Yeee-aaa! Hurh.
Uhwaiwait. Ye-aauraah- Caught you there!
RANDY
Uh oh!
PHILLIP
God. Oh, you got me, Terrance!
TERRANCE
Yes, I sure did!
KYLE
Whoa, dude. Your dad is watching Terrnace
and Phillip.
RANDY
No, I was just uh flipping through the
channels
STAN
Hey, Dad, we need to build a clubhouse.
RANDY
Okay
STAN
How do we do it?
RANDY
Uhyou just get a hammer and some wood.
What? Uh some girls wanna play Truth
or Dare or something?
STAN
Yeah, dude! How'd you know?
RANDY
How do you think I met your mother?
SHARON
Randy, my wedding ring! I lost it down
the garbage disposal!
RANDY
Oh, brother.
SHARON
Stanley, I thought I told you not to
watch this horrible cartoon!
RANDY
Yeah, Stanley, you should know better.
STAN
Dude!
SHARON
Here, Stanley, You watch nice cartoons
like Fat Abbot.
STAN
Tsk-aw!
SHARON
Randy, will you please come get my wedding
ring out of the sink!
RANDY
Okay, okay.
FAT ABBOT
Hey hey hey. What's goin' on, Rudy?
RUDY
Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!
FAT ABBOT
I'll lose weight when I feel like it,
bitch! Shut yo bitchass mouth, ho!
RUDY
Bitch, I'll kick yo ass!
KYLE
Whoa, dude!
STAN
Sweet!
FAT ABBOT
You think you're slick, you punkass
blasphemous dope-fiend bitch! I had
my jimmy whacked seven times last week!
I'll bust a cap in yo nigga ass, shithole!
KYLE
Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty!
[in the kitchen]
SHARON
Did you find it?
RANDY
Give me a second, would you?!
SHARON
Don't snap at me!
RANDY
I didn't snap at you.
SHARON
You snapped at me!
RANDY
Whatever.
SHARON
What ever?! In fifteen years you've
never said, "whatever," to me!
RANDY
Nuh- I don't wanna fight. I'm sorry.
SHARON
I'm sorry, too.
RANDY
Uh I think I found it.
SHARON
That's not it, you idiot!
RANDY
Hey, back off, cunt!
SHARON
You just said the C-word!
RANDY
Did I?
[Stan and Kyle are outside working on their clubhouse. The steps,
supports, and floor are in place, and they start work on the
railing]
STAN
This is a sweet spot for a clubhouse.
KYLE
Yeah. Hey Stan, wwhat did your dad mean
when he said we're gonna play Truth
or Dare?
STAN
Oh uh, just that, mmmaybe when we're
finished, Wendy anduh… Bebe can come
over and play.
KYLE
Dude, what kind of sick joke is that?
Girls suck ass.
STAN
Well-uhuh, of course they do, but uh,
wouldn't it be sweet toob, to play Truth
or Dare with them?
KYLE
What? Why?
STAN
Because, dude. Wwe could make them ddo
really gross stuff, like eat bugs.
KYLE
Hey yeah! That'd be sweet! We could
totally ruin their lives!
CARTMAN
What are you guys doing?
STAN
We're building a clubhouse
CARTMAN
A clubhouse? Heheh, that's the lamest
thing I've ever heard!
KYLE
It's not lame, it's sweet! After we
build this clubhouse, we're gonna get
girls to play Truth or Dare!
CARTMAN
Wwwhy??
KYLE
Because, dumbass, we can dare them to
do gross stuff and make them cry! What?
Were you born yesterday?
STAN
Yeah, now beat it you guys. This clubhouse
is private!
CARTMAN
That's fine. We'll build our own clubhouse!
KYLE
Fine!
CARTMAN
Fine! And then we'll get girls to play
Truth or Dare, too!
STAN
Fine!
CARTMAN
Fine!
KYLE
Fine!
KENNY
(Fine!)
KYLE
Fine!
CARTMAN
Fine! That's fine.
STAN
Fine!
CARTMAN
Fine!
[THE CARTMAN HOUSE. CARTMAN AND KENNY ARE LOOKING OVER THE CLUBHOUSE KIT CARTMAN HAS APPARENTLY ORDERED
the Ewok Village 2000 Deluxe Club House
Kit w/Elevator. It has a two-story design.
Cartman is wearing a yellow hard hat,
and Kenny is trying to get a better
look at the blueprints]
CARTMAN
No, Kenny, you can't look! I'm the foreman!
KENNY
(Well, why the fuck do I have to do
everything while you stand around in
the snow lookin-)
CARTMAN
Because, Kenny, your family's poor!
You have to be the worker!
KENNY
(Uh-)
CARTMAN
Nno, Kenny.
LIANE
How's the treehouse coming along, hon?
CARTMAN
Mom, it's not a treehouse, it's a clubhouse!
LIANE
Sorry, hon.
CARTMAN
Mom? Can we pull up the carpeting in
the living room?
LIANE
Well, I don't know, Eric. If you did
that, then the floors would be bare.
CARTMAN
But Mmmom, the blueprint says we need
carpeting in the clubhouse!
LIANE
Well, all right.
CARTMAN
Kenny, my mom says you can go get carpeting
in the living room now.
KENNY
(You suck ass and you suck dick!)
CARTMAN
And stop your bitchin!
[the Marsh house. Stan enters the kitchen and tries to get at
a jar as his mom washes dishes. She's upset]
SHARON
What are you doing sweetheart?!
STAN
Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse
and then we're-
SHARON
You men are all alike! First you get
a cookie and then you criticize the
way I dress and then it's the way I
cook! I suppose next you'll be telling
me that you need your space and that
I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead,
Stanley. Get your God-damned cookie!
STAN
'K.
[South Park Elementary. Class is now in session. Mr. Twig is
still there]
MR. GARRISON
And so, children, today we're gonna
focus on American history, right Mr.
Twig?
MR. TWIG
Uhthat's right, Mr. Garrison. American
history is very important.
KYLE
When is Mr. Hat coming back?
MR. GARRISON
What did you say?!
KYLE
When is Mr. HAT coming back?
MR. GARRISON
I told you to never mention that name
in my classroom again! Mr. Hat is a
two-timin' whore! And now we all learn
from Mr. Twig!
STAN
But Mr. Twig sucks.
CLASS
Yeah.
MR. GARRISON
That is enough! Mr. Hat is gone, and
he isn't coming back, and I don't wanna
hear it! Anyway, children, lets turn
our history textbooks to page 105, which
should be right after page 104…
CARTMAN
So, how's your lame-ass clubhouse, Stan?
STAN
Better than yours, fat boy.
CARTMAN
We'll see about that. Don't forget
you need to cut school early and wait
for the hot tub, Kenny.
KENNY
(Yes, sir!)
WENDY
Is the clubhouse ready?
STAN
Almost.
MR. GARRISON
Stan? Are you paying attention?
STAN
Yes, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON
Well, then, Stanley. What did I just
say?
STAN
Um. Yyou said that even though- Charo
appeared twelve times on the Love Boat,
the episode with Captain and Tenille
got- higher ratings.
MR. GARRISON
…Well, okay. I suppose you were paying
attention. Anyway, children, the Love
Boat did go on for about eight years.
They tried to bring it back recently,
but it didn't work. Probably 'cause
Robert Urich had to weigh…
KYLE
Good guess, dude!
STAN
Phew.
BEBE
Pass this up.
SWANSON
Pass this up.
KEVIN
Pass this up.
FOSSE
P-huh pass this h-up.
MR. GARRISON
Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?!
STAN
No, I just-
MR. GARRISON
Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
STAN
I'm not lying. Someone just handed me
the-
MR. GARRISON
Stanley, if you think it's so important
to keep interrupting my class, then
why don't you come up to the front and
read your note to Kyle for everyone
to hear!
STAN
But I didn't write the note!
CARTMAN
Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having
an adverse effect on my education.
STAN
Shut up, Cartman!
MR. GARRISON
Stanley Marsh, you come up here right
now and read your note!
STAN
Oh, man.
Dear Kyle.
You have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those
perked cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and
wear your ass as a hat for all eternity.
[the class stares in shock, even Bebe] Whoa, dude!
[Counselor Mackey's office. Stan and Mr. Mackey talk]
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Nowuh, young man, uhschool is a time
for learning, mkay? Not for immature
skylarkings.
STAN
What's 'skylarkings'?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
You know, like tomfooleries.
STAN
Who?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Oh, your parents are here.
STAN
Oh, no.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Thank you for coming on such short notice.
I was just disciplining your son for
his skylarkings.
RANDY
Stanley, I-! Skylarkings?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Yeahmkay?
RANDY
Stanley, I want you to explain to me
why you were passing notes in school.
SHARON
Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley,
I want you to explain to me why you
were passing notes in school.
STAN
It wasn't my note, dude. It was some
girl's.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay. Stanley, we're all here to get
to the root of your behavior disorder.
SHARON
You really should know better, Stanley.
RANDY
You need to shape up, mister!
SHARON
Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt
me when I talk! Can't you see that I-?
RANDY
I don't interrupt you.
SHARON
There, you did it again! He interrupted
me again.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay, uh-. Perhaps you should let your
wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now,
Stan, I want to you to be-.
RANDY
Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she
always takes over any conversation!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uh. U-uh, taking over any conversation's
bad.
SHARON
Like you're one to talk! When's the
last time you really listened to what
I had to say?!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Uuuhh. Mmm mkay.
RANDY
When was the last time you had anything
interesting to say? It's always gossip
and stupid crap!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Okay uh uh uh-apparently we have a bit
of a communication problem here. Uh,
Mr. Marsh, tell me how you're feeling.
RANDY
Welluh, I feel like everything I do
is wrong, it doesn't matter what I say.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mkay. That's valid. Now, uh, Mrs. Marsh-
STAN
Excuse me.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
-how do you feel?
SHARON
Like I'm a ghost. Like he sees right
through me.
RANDY
Oh, please!
STAN
Hello?
SHARON
Oh, please yourself!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Who tries to control the marriage? And
by that I mean, who's dominating the
aspects of the relatioship?
SHARON
He is.
RANDY
No, she is.
SHARON
Oh, I'm sorry! I guess I'm wrong again!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Mmkay.
[The Cartman house. Foreman Cartman is back at the blueprint]
CARTMAN
Look at it, Kenny! It is the greatest
clubhouse ever built!
KENNY
(Uh huh)
CARTMAN
And we built it, with our own hands.
Now all we need is chicks, Kenny.
KENNY
(Yeah!)
CARTMAN
All right. You go find chicks, Kenny.
KENNY
(Well, why do I have to be the one to
go and find chicks?)
CARTMAN
Because I have to stay here and work!
I still have to shingle the roof, test
the foundation, run all kinds of expenses.
I've got way too much to do, and all
you have to do is to go find chicks!
Now, stop your bitchin'! Mom? Can I
watch American Gladiators?
[The Marsh house. Kyle is on the clubhouse floor, waiting as
Stan climbs up the steps. A tire swing hangs from the foundation]
KYLE
Dude! Where have you been? I've been
waiting all afternoon.
STAN
I got in trouble for that note Bebe
was trying to pass to you.
KYLE
To me??
STAN
I mean, no. Not to you. Forget it. Come
on, dude. We have to finish our clubhouse
quick. The girls wanna play Truth or
Dare tomorrow!
KYLE
We should use nails, dude.
STAN
My mom won't let us.
WENDY
Hi, guys. How's the clubhouse coming?
STAN
Pretty good. We're almost done.
WENDY
Well, hurry! We wanna play Truth or
Dare!
STAN
We're going as fast as we can!
BEBE
Kyle, could you turn around for a second?
Thank you!
STAN
Come on, dude, we have to hammer faster.
KYLE
Hey, Stan. Do you know how to play Truth
or Dare?
STAN
No.
KYLE
Well dude, how the hell are we supposed
to play it, then?
STAN
I didn't even think about that.
[Chef's house. Candles line his dining room wall, and Stan is
at the table with him]
CHEF
And then, they'll ask, "Truth or Dare?'
STAN
And I say, "Dare!"
CHEF
No no! You say, "Truth."
STAN
"Truth?" But that's boring! I want to
get "Dare" to kiss her.
CHEF
You have to say "Truth" the first few
times. Or else, you seem too eager.
STAN
Oooh.
CHEF
You can't seem too eager. You've got
to play it cool, like you don't even
care what happens.
STAN
Yeah.
CHEF
Then, after a few "Truth"s, you finally
answer, "Dare."
STAN
"Dare!"
CHEF
But not like that, son. Like this: "Daaare"
STAN
Oooh.
CHEF
And then her little friend will dare
you to kiss Wendy.
STAN
You really think so?
CHEF
Of course she will. They're women. They've
had this whole thing planned out months
ahead of time.
STAN
Wow!
[The Cartman house. Cartman is watching TV and munching on Cheesy
Poofs]
FAT ABBOT
Heeyy hey hey. What's goin' down, y'all?
RUDY
Man, Fat Abbot. What are you doin' on
this side of the 'hood?
FAT ABBOT
You know somethin', Rudy? You're like
school in summertime.
RUDY
School in summertime?
FAT ABBOT
Yeah, bitch, school in summertime!
Open yo' fuckin' ears and shit, ho,
or I'll pop your bitch ass.
DONALD
I'llba poppa yourba bitcha assa tooba,
bitcha.
CARTMAN
What the hell is goin' on in this cartoon?
Oh. Hey, Kenny, did you find any chicks
to come to the clubhouse?
KENNY
(Uh-huh)
BLONDE
Hi. We ran away from home.
BRUNETTE
Well like, this kid told us we might
be able to crash at your clubhouse for
a couple of days.
CARTMAN
Holy crap! Behold! The Ewok Village
2000!
BLONDE
Oh well, I guess it beats living at
home,
CARTMAN
Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage?
Or a tasty snack?
[The Marsh house, the phone rings. Stan answers]
STAN
Hello?
CARTMAN
How's the clubhouse coming, Stan?
STAN
We're working on it.
CARTMAN
Well, I just thought I'd tell you that
me and Kenny have finished our clubhouse,
and we already have chicks over.
STAN
No, you don't! Dude!
CARTMAN
It's only a matter of time before we're
playin' Truth or Dare with them. Good
luck with your piece of crap clubhouse,
stupid asshole.
STAN
Aw, that hunk of fat- Mom, will you
please ask Dad to come help me build
my clubhouse?
SHARON
Stanley, I think you should know that
your father has moved out.
STAN
What?! Why?
SHARON
Because, we're divorced, Stanley.
STAN
Divorced? On no. Does that mean you
and Dad don't love me anymore? This
is all my fault, isn't it?
SHARON
Yeah, kind of.
STAN
…Dude, you're not supposed to say that!
SHARON
But I would like you to meet your new
stepfather, Roy.
ROY
Hello, son.
STAN
What?!
SHARON
I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted.
ROY
Hello, Stanley. I know this must be
a very difficult period for you right
now, and the adjustment is going to
take some time. But I'd like to be your
friend. So when you're ready, I want
you to feel free to come to me with
anything you might need, whether it's
advice, or- just someone to play catch
with. You can count on me.
STAN
This is happening way too fast.
ROY
Oh, Jesus! When are you gonna cut me
some slack, huh?! I have taken you under
my wing and done my best, and all you
ever do is whine and moan about it!
Now, for the last time, go cut some
firewood!
[The Cartman house. The teenage girls explain themselves]
BLONDE
So, I'm on my way out the door, and
she goes, "Make sure you're home before
midnight!"
CARTMAN
Ahaw, that's weak.
BLONDE
And I go, "Listen, bitch! I don't need
my mother giving me no curfew!"
CARTMAN
That's killer.
BLONDE
And she goes, "Yeah, well, if you're
not home befoe midnight, don't bother
coming home at all!"
CARTMAN
That's totally weak!
BLONDE
So I go, "Fine! I won't come home!"
CARTMAN
Sweet.
BLONDE
And then she goes, "Fine! Don't come
home!", getting all up in my face and
crap and acting all tough and crap.
CARTMAN
Killer weak sweet!
BLONDE
I'm sixteen. I should be able to do
what I want when I want. I don't need
her breathing down my neck every two
seconds telling me what I can and cannot
do!
CARTMAN
I had the same thing with my mom the
other day. I'm all like, "Ey! I am not
a little kid anymore! Ma, I'm eight
years old! And if I wanna fingerpaint,
then I'm gona fingerpaint!"
[the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle have built the clubhouse and
are putting the finishing touches on it]
STAN
Okay. We're done.
KYLE
Dude, I don't think this is very sturdy.
STAN
It doesn't matter, dude. It only has
to last long enough to play Truth or
Dare. I'm gonna go get the girls.
KYLE
Okay.
STAN
G'oh?
SHARON
Stanley, it's time to go!
STAN
Go where?
SHARON
Your bastard father has visitation rights,
and this is his time with you.
STAN
But no! I have to get the girls to come-
SHARON
Come on, Stanley!
STAN
Weak! Dad?
RANDY
Hey, Stanley, uuh, hop in. Listen,
Stanley, I I know all this change must
be tough on you, but you know, your-
your mother and I thought it'd be best
for all of us if we'd split up.
STAN
But I don't understand why we have to-
RANDY
Well, hello, ladies.
PASSENGER
Hi, handsome. We're gonna be at Larry's
Bar tonight.
RANDY
I'm already there. What were we talking
about? Oh yeah. See, your mother and
I still care about you and your sister.
But we just don't like being around
each other any more.
STAN
Well, I don't like being around my sister
anymore; does that mean I can leave
her, too?
RANDY
Well, no, because you're a family! You
just can't leave family; you have to
stick with family, no matter what.
STAN
But you and Mom are family; how come
you can just split up? You know what
I think? I think that when you and Mom
got married, you became family. And
now that you are, you shouldn't be able
to leave her anymore than I can leave
my sister.
RANDY
Hoho, Stan, you're so young. You just
don't get it. Well, anyway, have a
nice day.
STAN
What? That's it?
RANDY
Yeah. But I loved our time together.
I hate to see it end. Go on, get out.
You know that nothing is more important
to me than you, right, Stan?
STAN
I gguess, but-
[Stan's clubhouse. He and Kyle are inside looking out the window]
STAN
Okay, dude, the girls are gonna be here
to play Truth or Dare any minute.
KYLE
Stan, if I didn't know you better, I
would almost think you're doing this
because you wanna play with girls.
STAN
No way, dude! Don't be silly.
BEBE
Come on, Wendy.
STAN
We have to say "Truth" a couple of times
before we say "Dare," right?
KYLE
Right. Why?
STAN
Because if we don't, we'll seem too
eager.
KYLE
Too eager to what?
STAN
To say "Dare," dumbass! Jeez.
WENDY
Hi, guys.
STAN
Oh, hi Wendy. What's up?
BEBE
Don't you guys still wanna play "Truth
or Dare"?
STAN
Yeah! I mean, sure, whatever.
BEBE
Then come on!
STAN
Remember, "Truth" the first couple
of times.
KYLE
Okay.
BEBE
Who wants to go first?
WENDY
I will. Kyle?
KYLE
Yeah?
WENDY
Truth, or Dare?
KYLE
Umm. Dare?
STAN
Dude!
KYLE
What?
WENDY
How about we give him Bebe?
BEBE
Okay.
WENDY
Okay.
BEBE
Okay.
WENDY
Kiss Bebe on the lips!
KYLE
What?!! Sick, dude, I'm not kissing
a girl!
WENDY
What's the matter, Kyle?
KYLE
It's just wrong, that's all.
STAN
Don't be a chicken, dude. Just close
your eyes.
KYLE
What the hell have you gotten me into?!
STAN
Dude, Cartman is in his clubhouse playing
Truth or Dare with girls right now.
You really want him to beat us?
KYLE
Hoh boy. Sick! Aaaaah! Fucking sickening!
BEBE
Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!
WENDY
Your turn, Bebe.
BEBE
Okay, Stan. Truth or Dare? Stan, Truth
or Dare?
STAN
Dare.
ROY
Son, could you please help me with
the firewood?
STAN
…Dude, we cut firewood all day yesterday!
We have enough to last twelve years!
ROY
When will you let me in?! Let me love
you?! Now, get your ass out here and
help me!
WENDY
Bye, Stan. Hopefully we can play Truth
or Dare tomorrow.
STAN
Crap!
[Cartman's clubhouse. Meaningful discussions are taking place]
BLONDE
I think you should be able to move out
legally when you're fourteen.
BRUNETTE
Our moms won't even let us smoke.
BLONDE
Yeah, it's my body. My mom always gives
me shit for smoking, but it's my body.
I should be able to do whatever I want
with it.
CARTMAN
Totally. Uuuuuh my mom gives me shit
sometimes, and I tell her to shut her
hole before I kick her in the nuts!
LIANE
Eric, snookums! it's time for Mommy
to tuck you into your snuggleboat for
night-night! Eric? Are you out there
in your clubhouse?
CARTMAN
Coming, Mom. Okay, we have to play
Truth or Dare, quick!
GUY IN LEATHER JACKET
Hey, girls.
GUY WITH LONG HAIR
What's up.
BLONDE
Oh hey, Scott.
CARTMAN
Who the hell are you?!
BRUNETTE
Uhwe invited some people over. Hope
you don't mind.
CARTMAN
How many people?
[The bus stop, next day. Kyle is alone, and Bebe walks up]
BEBE
Kyle, can I talk to you?
KYLE
Okay.
BEBE
Kyle, this is very difficult for me.
I think we need time apart.
KYLE
Huh?
BEBE
I'm just feeling really trapped. I can't
go on with this codependency.
KYLE
Okay, that's fine.
BEBE
No, no. Don't speak. Just try and understand.
It has to be this way.
KYLE
But I don't care.
BEBE
Please. Just remember the good times
we have. I'll never forget you. Never.
Okay, Clyde, we can go now.
CLYDE
Bitchin'.
[The Marsh house. Roy is looking at a home decorating show. Stan
comes in]
HOST
These are café curtains that require
no sewing, and I know you all love that!
STAN
Do you mind if I watch cartoons? I've
had a rough day.
ROY
Nnuuhunuuhh.
STAN
What?
ROY
Chores. Do chores.
STAN
My dad lets me watch cartoons.
ROY
Well I'm not your dad. Okay? I'm NOT
your dad! You jyou can't just go around
playing games with my emotions.
SHARON
Stanley, what did you do to Roy?!
STAN
Roy's a dick! He ruined my chances with
Wendy in the clubhouse!
SHARON
Stanley, you know you're the most imprtant
thing to me, right?
STAN
If that's true, then get back together
with Dad for me!
SHARON
Now Stanley, you have to understand
how divorce works. When I say, "you're
the most imprtant thign to me," what
I mean is, you're the most important
thing after me and my happiness and
my new romances.
STAN
Oh.
SHARON
Bye now. Roy!
STAN
Divorce is stupid!
FAT ABBOT
Heeyy heeyy heeyy! Hey Yolanda. Why
is your eye all black and blue and shit?
YOLANDA
Maaan, Fat Abbot. My stepdad popped
me in my eye.
FAT ABBOT
Stepdad? You gotta off his ass!
YOLANDA
Really?
FAT ABBOT
Yeah, bitch! Snatch his ass in a bear
trap! Leave that motherfucker swingin'
from a tree so high nobody finds him
for days! Glock-glock, you know what
I'm sayin'? Dumbassed motherfucker pullin'
shit! Damn!
YOLANDA
You're right, Fat Abbot. Thanks!
FAT ABBOT
No problem, ho. Maybe later you can
suck my dick, bitch-ho! Shit!
BILL
Well, Fat Abbot and the gang sure done
learned somethin' today. If you have
a stepdad ridin' your ass, just snatch
his ass in a bear trap. Grine! No more
stepdad. See ya next time eatin' the
pudding.
STAN
Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll write a little
note for Roy!
[Cartman's clubhouse, that night. The place is jumping. Music
is blaring and a small crowd mills around the clubhouse. The
long-haired teenager, standing next to the radio, passes out.
Cartman brings a tray holding a box and bowl of Cheesy Poofs]
OLDER KID
Hey, kid! Give me some of those!
CARTMAN
Hey! When are we gonna play Truth or
Dare?
BLONDE
What? That game's for kids.
CARTMAN
This is bullcrap!
RANDY
Oh boy, it's getting late. I'm gonna
have to leave this party.
CARTMAN
This sucks, Kenny! I wish we'd never
built a clubhouse!
PUNK
MOSH PIT!
KENNY
(Huh?)
CARTMAN
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastard!
[The Marsh house]
SHARON
Stanley?! Your father is coming over
for visitation! Stan? Meet me in the
clubhouse.
ROY
Sharon? Sharon, have you seen my copy
of Harper's? Meet me at the clubhouse.
[In the clubhouse. Randy is alone there]
SHARON
Oh, Randy. What are you doing here?
RANDY
Iii-uuh got a note from Stanley to come
out to the-uh clubhouse.
SHARON
Oh I thought that note was for me.
RANDY
Oh, maybe it was.
SHARON
Well, it looks like our little Stanley
has built himself quite a clubhouse
here.
RANDY
I remember not too long ago we were
just kids playing kissing games in my
clubhouse.
SHARON
Goodnight.
RANDY
Sharon?
SHARON
Yes?
RANDY
Truth or Dare?
SHARON
It's too late for games.
RANDY
No, I'm serious, please. Truth or Dare?
SHARON
Truth.
RANDY
Do you still love me?
SHARON
Oh, Randy, I do love you, but- now I'm
so confused-uh. I'm living with Roy
and-, I don't know how to break it off
with him.
ROY
Sharon- Guh-ow! Uh. Ey! Uh.
RANDY
Well, you never know. Maybe-
ROY
He-
RANDY
-thing will work out.
ROY
Hello?
SHARON
Maybe. I guess it's my turn. Truth or
Dare?
ROY
Sharon?
RANDY
Dare.
SHARON
Do me. Right here in the clubhouse!
ROY
Hello? Hel-lo? Could- could somebody
get me d-? Hello?
STAN
Wow. Clubhouses are magical.
[Next day, back at the clubhouse. Stan, Wendy, and Bebe are there.
So is Clyde]
BEBE
Okay. It's my turn. Stan? Truth or Dare?
STAN
Dare.
BEBE
Take this stick and jam it up your peehole.
STAN
…What?!
WENDY
Wow, that sucks!
BEBE
Do you think it'll hurt?
[End of Clubhouses. Roy is still dangling from the tree outside]
ROY
Hello? I sure am hungry. Anybody? It
certainly does suck right here. Hello?
Shuh- Sharon? Sharon, hello?
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