"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 213
"COW DAYS"
Written by
Trey Parker & David Goodman
[A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The
host and lady assitant stand near them]
HOST
Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to
the final round. Are you ready to play
for the grand prize?
TOM AND MARY
We're ready, Bob!
BOB
Any particular prize you're hoping for?
MARY
Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would
be fun, too!
TOM
Oh, anywhere would be great!
BOB
Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck.
Here we go. What is the thin flap of
skin that runs from the base of the
penis to the scrotum?
TOM
Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this.
MARY
The upper vascular hood.
BOB
I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
Heheh, tell them what they've won.
ANNOUNCER
Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats,
because you're going to beautiful South
Park, Colorado!
MARY
Where?
ANNOUNCER
That's right, just in time for Cows
Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo
and carnival. Every fall, South Park
celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna
be a part of it. You'll stay at the
spectacular Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt
Road , and enjoy festivities, including
prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous
Running of the Cows! Congratulations,
Tom and Mary.
BOB
Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.
TOM
What was second prize again?
BOB
That's all for now. See you tomorrow
on "Ooo, What The Hell Is That!"
MARY
Shit!
RODEO
[South Park, the rodeo ring. A rider falls from his horse as
it jumps some barrels.]
14th ANNUAL COWDAYS
[the carnival stage, on which the Mayor and her aides now stand]
THE MAYOR
Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to
kick off the 14th Annual South Park
Cow Days! As most of you know, Cow
Days is when we all get together to
celebrate and thank the noble, gentle
cows. And now, the chairman of Cow
Days, Jimbo Kern!
JIMBO
This year is a very special Cow Days
because we are revealing our all-new
Cow Memorial! Which will live forever
in South Park from this day forth. Release
the curtain!
MARY
This is the most ridiculous thing I've
ever seen!
TOM
Now, Mary, this is our only vacation
for years. We have to make the best
of it
MARY
Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We
just need to stay positive.
THE MAYOR
Now get out to the carnival and enjoy
the amazing rides and the wonderful
games!
[the carnival gets underway. People mill around]
TOSS-A-BALL OPERATOR
Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous
prizes.
KYLE
Wow, dude, check it out! We can win
Terrance and Phillip dolls.
STAN
Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip
dolls? They look all crappy.
KYLE
Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.
OPERATOR
Sure they're real. They're even made
in Canada.
STAN
Really?
OPERATOR
Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance
and Phillip themselves.
CARTMAN
Wwow!
KYLE
Dude, that kicks ass!
CARTMAN
Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much
to play?
OPERATOR
Five dollars for three balls.
CARTMAN
Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!
OPERATOR
Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just
gotta put one ball through Jennifer
Love Hewitt's mouth.
CARTMAN
That's easy!
OPERATOR
Okay, we've got a player!
CARTMAN
Ay! Check it out! Damn it!
OPERATOR
Okay, son, you've still got two balls
to try and get through her yapper.
CARTMAN
Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt!
KYLE
You suck, Cartman!
CARTMAN
I'd like to see you do better!
KYLE
Give me that! Hey! It hit her right
in the mouth!
OPERATOR
It's gotta go through her mouth
KYLE
But ih-
OPERATOR
Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more
dollars.
KYLE
Here, give me some money, Cartman!
Lend me money, fat boy!
CARTMAN
I only have three dollars left, asshole!
KYLE
Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more
money from my mom.
JIMBO
Okay, everybody! It's time for the
Running of the Cows!
KYLE
Mom, give me some money!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, what are you doing here?! This
is very dangerous!
KYLE
I need $17 so we can win Terrance and
Phlllip dolls.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, get back into the carnival this
instant! You can't be out in the street!
KYLE
I will if you give me money!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Okay, here!
CARTMAN
Sweet.
[Back on stage, Jimbo has some more things to tell the guests]
JIMBO
Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down.
Now I know you're all anxious to get
to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let
me remind you: those brave souls who
have decided to run against the cows
through town do so at their own risk.
I don't think I have to remind you that
three people died in last year's Running
of the Cows. With that said, let's
rock and roll! Everybody ready to run?
Release the cows! They're loose!
COWS
Mooooo?!
[The townfolk scream wildly while the cows remain in the corral
and moo some more.]
NED
Ow.
[One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as
he runs, and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered
phone pole]
JIMBO
Yeehaw!
[A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A
man comes and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores
him. The man shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming]
[the carnival. A Chamber of Farts stands near a Ferris wheel.
Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with doors through
which the cars enter]
KYLE
Okay. We've got $15 between us. That
means we get nine balls to throw.
CARTMAN
I only need one, dude. I only need one.
OPERATOR
Come one, come all. Get in line now,
for the Chamber of Farts.
STAN
What's that?
OPERATOR
Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
CARTMAN
How much is it?
OPERATOR
Just three tickets, boys. Dare you
enter the Chamber of Farts?
KYLE
Is it like a- haunted house or something?
OPERATOR
Sure. It's veery scary.
CARTMAN
Let's see: each ticket is a dollar,
so three tickets is like two twnety-five.
KYLE
No. We can't, dude. We have to win the
Terrance and Phillip dolls.
CARTMAN
Oh come on, you guys. We still have
plenty of money left over.
KYLE
You'd better be right, dude.
CARTMAN
I'm right!
OPERATOR
Keep your hands in at all times.
KYLE
Okay.
[they go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere.
A man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through,
a dog next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about,
and some volcanos poke through the ground. All are farting. The
car stops]
OPERATOR
So, the Chamber of Farts has another
victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't
any ghouls here, only FARTS!
CARTMAN
Eh! God-damnit!
STAN
What the hell was that?
OPERATOR
Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS! All
right, boys. Ride's over.
KYLE
That was the dumbest ride I've ever
seen!
STAN
Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival
company are you?!
CARTMAN
I don't know what you guys are talking
about! That scared the crap out of me!
KYLE
That was a waste of money, Cartman!
OPERATOR
Hey, if you guys want a great ride,
get in this line. It's only seven tickets.
KYLE
We can't. We're saving our money for
the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's
mouth game.
CARTMAN
Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye?
We have plenty of money. Come on, you
guys! It'll be sweet!
[THE COW MEMORIAL, 12
59 p.m. A cow comes to look at the statue,
and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue
moos. The cow looks around, then moos.
Two more cows arrive. Back in the line,
the boys near the front of it]
KYLE
This ride better be good!
STAN
Yeah, this line is way too long!
CARTMAN
I think we're almost to the end.
KYLE
We'd better be. We've been in line for
almost an hour!
STAN
Here we go.
KYLE
Finally!
LINE RIDE OPERATOR
Did ya enjoy the ride?
STAN
What ride?
KYLE
Yeah.
LINE RIDE OPERATOR
This was the Line Ride, a real live
simulator of a long line.
KYLE
Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!
LINE RIDE OPERATOR
That's five tickets, thank you very
much. Come see us again soon.
STAN
My ass we will!
KYLE
Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion,
but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey
balls!
STAN
Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.
PHOTO SELLER
Would you like to buy a photo of you
boys enjoying the Line Ride?
CARTMAN
How much?
PHOTO SELLER
Just three dollars.
CARTMAN
Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet.
KYLE
You dumbass, Cartman!
CARTMAN
What? This is cool.
KYLE
No, it's not cool!
CARTMAN
It is, too!
OPERATOR
Can I help you boys.
STAN
We're gonna try to win those Terrance
and Phillip dolls again.
OPERATOR
O-kay, five dollars for three balls.
KYLE
How much do we have left, Cartman?
How much do we have left, Cartman?!
CARTMAN
Aah, three dollars.
KYLE
What?! You said we had plenty of money,
Cartman!
CARTMAN
Yeah, but I didn't take into account
the fact that I suck at math.
KYLE
You son of a bitch! Aaargh! [lunges
at Cartman, and they fall to the ground,
wrestling.
CARTMAN
Ey! Seriously!
[A view of the carnival. After a while the boys calm down and
stand up again]
KYLE
Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't
have any money left to win the Terrance
and Phillip dolls!
CARTMAN
Well, I'm sorry!
KYLE
Well, sorry's not good enough! What
are you gonna do about it?
CARTMAN
Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps
on him!
KENNY
(What? These?)
STAN
Sir? Will you take food stamps for three
balls?
OPERATOR
Sure, as long as they're good.
KYLE
Give him your food stamps, Kenny!
KENNY
(Nuh uh)
KYLE
Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!
KENNY
(Dude, these are my fucking food stamps!
How am I going to eat without all these
food stamps?)
CARTMAN
Damnn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp
hog! Share with the rest of your friends!
KYLE
Okay. Here we go. Hey! That was right
on target.
OPERATOR
Sorry, kid. Try again.
KYLE
That does it! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!
OPERATOR
Uhwhat are you doing?
KYLE
I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This
game is rigged!
OPERATOR
Shenanigans?
OFFICER BARBRADY
What's all the hoo-ha?
KYLE
Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans
on this carnival operator.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Why?
KYLE
This game is fixed! The balls are bigger
than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!
OFFICER BARBRADY
If that is true, then your declaration
of Shenanigans is just. What do you
have to say, carnival operator?
OPERATOR
Look, the kid was really close. He still
has another ball left. Leh let's try
again, son. Here you go. There, you
see? We have a winner!
KYLE
It worked!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Young man, you can't just go declaring
Shenanigans on innocent people! That's
how wars get started!
STAN
Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Barbrady!
STAN
Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?
OFFICER BARBRADY
You said Buttbaby.
CARTMAN
Sweet.
OPERATOR
Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick
between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and
the Bon Jovi Toothpick.
KYLE
No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip
dolls up there.
OPERATOR
Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times
to earn those.
KYLE
What?!
OPERATOR
You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then
you can trade them in for the Terrance
and Phillip dolls.
KYLE
You dirty son of a bitch, you never
told us that we had to win-
OPERATOR
Step on up, just five dollars to play!
KYLE
Damnit, I have to have those dolls!
STAN
This is hopeless. We're never gonna
have enough money to win.
KYLE
Wait a minute! I've got it! The bullriding
contest. Cartman could ride a bull,
and try to win $5000. Think about it,
dude: $5000. That's 1000 set of balls.
That's 3000 balls! We'd have to win
enough to get the dolls!
CARTMAN
What the hell makes you think Cartman
rides a bull?
KYLE
Because you spent all of our money
on those stupid rides, fatass! Now,
either you're getting on a bull or I'm
gonna break your fuckin' head open!
CARTMAN
O-kay, I'll- get on the bull.
KYLE
All right! Now, come on! We have to
practice!
STAN
He really wants those dolls.
CARTMAN
I guess, damn!
[Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11]
MARY
That ride wasn't very good.
TOM
Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try
to have a good time.
MARY
You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll
try and have a good time.
[THE COW MEMORIAL. THE CLOCK NOW READS 1
59 p.m., and seven cows stand before
the memorial. Two o'clock strikes, and
the statue moos twice. The cows answer
with two moos of their own. More cows
arrive]
[the town bar]
STAN
Hey, uh this mechanical bull's gonna
help you practice for the real thing,
Cartman.
CARTMAN
Hey, this is sweet.
KYLE
You've gotta try and stay on for ten
seconds. Okay, Cartman?
CARTMAN
I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.
STAN
We'll start on the slowest setting and
work our way up. Ready? Go.
CARTMAN
Yikes! Ow! Son of a bitch!
STAN
How long was that?
KYLE
That wasn't quite ten seconds.
STAN
Damn it! That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman.
You have to do better than that.
CARTMAN
You guys, eh seriously, my back!
KYLE
Get back on, fatass! You have to practice!
CARTMAN
Seriously. Help. Screw you guys. Hate
you guys.
KYLE
What'd you say, Cartman??
CARTMAN
I hate you guys!
KYLE
I think he said he wants to practice
on a real bull.
CARTMAN
Hate you guys.
[The cows are now pushing the memorial across open fields. It
now reads 3 p.m.]
[the boys stand next to a rancher who has offered his bull for
Cartman to practice on]
RANCHER
Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't
much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's
all I got.
KYLE
Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has
to get some practice with a real bull.
RANCHER
Well, have fun, boys.
KYLE
Okay, Cartman. You ready?
CARTMAN
Nnoo.
KYLE
Open the gate!
CARTMAN
All right, get down. This is my kind
of bullride.
KYLE
That bull sucks! He's not even bucking
or anything!
CARTMAN
Yeah, this is sweet!
STAN
What are you going to do?
KYLE
Get the bull in the balls with a smowball.
STAN
Hoh, yeah. That's a good idea.
CARTMAN
Eeyy!
KYLE
That's better.
STAN
Hold on, Cartman!
CARTMAN
Ey! Seriously, dude! Do something! Dude,
stop this crazy thing! Mother f-
KYLE
Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying
on long enough!
STAN
Come on, Cartman.
KENNY
(Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)
KYLE
No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing!
Get up! Get UP!
STAN
You okay, dude? Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?
KYLE
Dude, I think we broke him.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, waiting area]
DR. DOCTOR
Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend
has suffered head trauma.
STAN
What's the matter with him.
DR. DOCTOR
Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese
prostitute named Ming Li.
KYLE
…Oh.
STAN
But can he still ride a bull?
DR. DOCTOR
What?
KYLE
We need him to win a bullriding contest
so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Can he still do it?
DR. DOCTOR
No, boys! You need to take him home
and let him get plenty of sleep.
KYLE
Damn it!
STAN
Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?
CARTMAN
Boinsure li bonsure.
STAN
What?!
CARTMAN
Boyongture taur lur mahrter.
STAN
Oh, he's fine, dude.
KYLE
You think?
CARTMAN
Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.
STAN
Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to
the rodeo.
[The Running of the Cows is ended and Jimbo is onstage.]
JIMBO
All right, damn it! We're not going
to stand for this! Now, whoever stole
our golden cow memorial, we're gonna
find you and kill you! Aall right,
uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred
cow, just please return 'im, and there'll
be no quesitons asked. Wait a minute.
You folks from out of town. You're the
only ones with a reason to take our
beloved cow memorial!
MARY
Where are we going to put a 60-foot
tall statue of a cow?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that
downtown, tourists.
MARY
Oh my God!
[At the carnival, the boys have returned with Cartman.]
STAN
How's he doing?
KYLE
He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
CARTMAN
Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar
she mashartah me shur har.
STAN
Do you think he can ride the bull?
KYLE
Yeah, I think so.
STAN
Cool.
CARTMAN
Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah
you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!
SOLDIER
Huh?
CARTMAN
Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me
love you long time.
SOLDIER
Go away, kid. You're grossing me out.
CARTMAN
Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello,
sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!
SOLDIER
Beat it, kid! Come on, honey.
[the Chamber of Farts again.]
CHAMBER OF FARTS OPERATOR
Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts
has been fixed and is reopen!
STAN
Jesus, dude!
KYLE
Hey, where's Cartman?
STAN
Oh, hell!
KENNY
(I don't know where he went!)
STAN
Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have
to go sign him up for the bull ride.
KENNY
(Okay.)
SOUTH PARK POLICE DEPT.
[Tom and Mary are still in jail, shivering and apparently forgotten]
TOM
Huh, it's so cold here.
MARY
Where is that sheriff?! We need water!
TOM
Oh well, let's try to make the best
of it, Mary.
MARY
You're right. We're not being positive.
At least we get some time alone.
TOM
Yeah, and at least we've got our health.
[ranch lands. Two ranchers get out of a truck and walk into a
field]
GREY HAT
I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never
seen nothin' like it.
MITCHELL
Where are they again?
GREY HAT
Just right up over this ridge. That's
what they've been doin' all morning:
sittn' there and mooin'. And more cows
come all the time.
MITCHELL
Well, I ain't never seen this before,
neither. But I know one thing: when
cows start gettin' together, it can't
be good. They might start formin' a
cult!
GREY HAT
Hm. Cow cult.
[back at the carnival, rodeo riders try out their luck. One of
them loses his luck when his horse throws him off]
ANNOUNCER
The grand-daddy of them all, the South
Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the
bullriding event. Grand prize: $5000!
STAN
Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!
KENNY
(I don't know. I can't find him.)
KYLE
He's up in, like, twenty minutes!
KENNY
(All right! I know!)
CARTMAN
Hello, fren! Hello!
STAN
There he is!
CARTMAN
Sucky-sucky, five dollar.
[back at the police station jail, Tom and Mary just sit and wait…]
[Jimbo and Ned join the two ranchers on the ridge]
GREY HAT
There they are, just like we told you.<
JIMBO
Okay, that's enough o' that! You cows
need to dis-perse! All right, bad cows!
Do you hear me? Bad cows! All right,
Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the
whip!
NED
Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies!
Bad cows stay! Stay! AAAAAH!
JIMBO
Holy smokes! Play dead, Ned!
GREY HAT
I reckon we should get some help.
MITCHELL
I reckon.
[the boys now have Cartman on the bull, ready to ride]
KYLE
Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna
be cake.
STAN
Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip
dolls will be ours!
CARTMAN
Hucky-sucky five dollar.
ANNOUNCER
Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack! Three,
two, one.
JACK
Yeehaw! Yeeha! Yeehaw! Aaaaaaaa!
ANNOUNCER
Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point
deduction. Up next, no. 14, Ming Li!
CARTMAN
Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me
eight dollar, soldier boy!
ANNOUNCER
Here we go!
STAN
Dude, I'm having second thoughts about
this.
KYLE
What do you mean?
STAN
I'm startin' to think that maybe it's
wrong to put someone who thinks they're
a Vietnamese protstitute on a bull.
ANNOUNCER
Let her go!
CARTMAN
Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!
KYLE
Hang on, Cartman!
ANNOUNCER
Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute
can really ride a bull! I guess she's
had a lot of practice, if you know what
I mean.
CARTMAN
Aaah! Ten dollar! Ten dollar, soldier
boy!
ANNOUNCER
She's setting a new world record!
CROWD
Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!
CARTMAN
Gaaah! Heeee!
STAN
Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
KYLE
Go help him, Kenny!
KENNY
(Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that
ring! Aaah!)
STAN
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastard!
ANNOUNCER
And this brave little whore from the
East has really put on a show for us
today! The winner of the bullriding
contest: Ming Li!
CARTMAN
Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar.
STAN
We did it, dude, we did it!
[the cows are gathered again before the Memorial, about 3 p.m.
Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and take aim at the
cows]
AGENT
Freeze, cows! The game is over! You
will now return to your respective towns!
JIMBO
You hear that, cows? You're surrounded!
There's no way out!
AGENT
You will now all march in an orderly
fashion into this trailer! Move!
JIMBO
Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong
way, you stupid cow!
AGENT
Oh, dear Jesus, no!
COW
Mooooo!
JINBO
Nnoo! They're killing themselves!
Stop! Please! Can't we do anything?!
Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity!
AGENT
This is the first mass cow suicide I've
seen in- at least eight months.
[Tom and Mary still wait in jail]
[The carnival. The boys walk back to Toss-A-Ball]
TOSS-A-BALL OPERATOR
Oh, you boys are back again, huh?
STAN
Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.
KYLE
How many ball does that get us?
CARTMAN
Odline daur shunba shunba?
TOSS-A-BALL OPERATOR
Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh,
I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade
you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip
dolls.
KYLE
You will?
STAN
Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a
sudden?
KYLE
We did it! You see, Cartman? You won
us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
CARTMAN
Ten dollar? Sucky-sucky?
KYLE
What are we gonna do with them?
STAN
We should-
KYLE
…What the-?
STAN
Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs!
KYLE
After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans!
SHENANIGANS!
OFFICER BARBRADY
What's all this?
KYLE
Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate
my previous Shenanigans! This whole
carnival is a rip-off!
MR. GARRISON
You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree.
These rides are really stupid! Chamber
of Farts isn't scary at all!
PRIEST
Yeah, and the food is terrible!
CHAMBER OF FARTS OPERATOR
Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo. What
do you expect?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People
of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans
on the carnival people?
TOWNSPEOPLE
Yeah!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Okay, carnival people, do you accept
this decree of Shenanigans?
WOMAN
…What the hell are you talking about?!
This whole town is screwy!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, that settles it! Everybody grab
a broom, it's Shenanigans!
[One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and some townsfolk are pushing
the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area]
THE MAYOR
You found it! You found the memorial!
JIMBO
Yeap.
THE MAYOR
And the cows? Are they all back, too?
JIMBO
They're dead, mayor. They're all dead.
THE MAYOR
What?!
JIMBO
Oho, it was awful! Cow after cow taking
its own life, and we could do nothing
to stop them! Oh, God!
THE MAYOR
Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn
that cults are never a good thing.
JIMBO
I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. Uhud I
need a cold beer and a burger. What's
all the ruckus over there?
THE MAYOR
Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!
JIMBO
Oh, hell, I have to run home and get
my broom!
[The police station]
OFFICER BARBRADY
All right, you dammned carnival people.
Into jail with- Oooooh?
JIMBO
Hey, aren't those the people we at first
thought took the wooden cow?
OFFICER BARBRADY
Yeah.
THE MAYOR
Didn't we ever release them?
JIMBO
Aw, I forgot all about them.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Uh me, too.
THE MAYOR
Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you
never had Tom and Mary in this cell.
OFFICER BARBRADY
I didn't?
THE MAYOR
No, no. In fact, they never came to
South Park. We've never heard of them.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then,
although I could've swore that I had
heard of them and they starved to death
in my prison.
[The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming in Terrance and Phillip
dolls]
STAN
Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh.
KYLE
Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look
for treasuh.
CARTMAN
What are you guys doing?
STAN
Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?
CARTMAN
Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest
dream last night.
KYLE
Really? What about?
CARTMAN
Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese
girl, and then you guys made me ride
a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo
Di Caprio gave me a spankin' for several
hours. Eeyy, where did you guys win
all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
STAN
Oh-h. Nowhere.
CARTMAN
Wait a minute! You guys did make me
ride that bull!
KYLE
No! Cartman, that was just a dream!
LEONARDO DI CAPRIO
Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again.
CARTMAN
Oh! Son of a bitch!
THE END
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