"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 502
"CRIPPLE FIGHT"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South park, night. Randy is driving the boys, including Timmy
on the truck bed, through the town. Stuart is with them, but
Kyle is not. The boys are in Scout gear.]
RANDY
Well, you boys must be pretty excited:
your first night of Scouts.
STAN
It's gonna suck. There's gonna be all
like, new kids there we don't know.
KENNY
(Yeah.)
STUART
Well, now, that's part of the fun!
RANDY
Yeah. Both Kenny's dad and I were in
Scouts for years.
STAN
Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh
yeah, you don't have a dad.
CARTMAN
That's not funny! Jesus Christ!
STAN
Are you excited for your first night
of Scouts, Timmy??
TIMMY
Hyeahahah Timmay!
CARTMAN
Yeah, he's excited.
[Park County Community Center, night, outside shot, then inside
shot. The doors open and the group walks in. A shot of the many
kids inside, then back to the doors. Butters walks up.]
BUTTERS
Uh hey, fellas!
CARTMAN
Hey, Butters.
BUTTERS
Huhboiy, am I glad to see you guys!
There's lots of kids here from other
schools, and I don't know anybody.
RANDY
Alright, boys, we're gonna head to the
bar. We'll be back to pick you up at
nine.
STUART
You boys just make sure to obey the
scout leader now. He's the man in charge.
BIG GAY AL
Hellooo scouts.
STAN
Hey, it's Big Gay Al!
BIG GAY AL
Hello, Stanley. I was happy to see you
and your little friends' names on the
list!
TIMMY
Timmay!
RANDY
You're the new scout leader?
BIG GAY AL
I just got transferred in. I think
everyone's here now, so we can get started.
Come on, Scouts. We've got work to
do!
BOYS
Hooray!
STAN
See ya, Dad!
BIG GAY AL
Hey, are you parents gonna stand there
all night? This meeting is for scouts
only, you silly gooses. Now, before
we get started, scouts, I want to introduce
you to someone very special here tonight.
He's a brave little boy with disabilities
who proves just by being here that Scouts
are for everyone!
Timmy! [happily] Timmay!
BIG GAY AL
So let's all give a big round of applause
to little... Jimmy!
JIMMY
Oo-well hello everyoneh.
TIMMY
Jim- Jim-mih?
[The bar, nearby. There's some argument going on inside]
STUART
Look! I'm not saying the new scout leader's
a bad person, I just don't think he
should be a scout leader!
RANDY
Well he got to where he is by being
a good scout; maybe we should just leave
him alone.
MAN
Well how gay is he?
STUART
He's really, really gay.
TOKEN'S FATHER
Well then, I don't want my boy there,
either.
RANDY
So he's a homosexual. So what?
STUART
I have nothing against homosexuals either,
Randy, but the big camping trip is next
week! Are you sayin' you're fine with
this guy campin' overnight, alone, with
our boys??
SKEETER
You know, boys emulate authority figures.
Even if it doesn't turn them gay, they
could end up all talk and all femmit,
prancin' around like girls.
RANDY
Aw, that's ridiculous.
PRIEST MAXI
People, people, please! You're forgetting
that homosexuality is a choice! As many
of you know, I, myself, went through
a... homosexual... phase. But the light
of Christ showed me how to change. Just
give me two hours with this man, and
I can convert him back.
MAN 2
That's what you said about Peterson,
and then you ended up having sex with
him!
MAN 3
That's right.
MAN 4
You did.
[Community Center gymnasium. The Scouts are well into their first
activities]
BIG GAY AL
And so that's how to make banana-nut
muffins. And now, as a very special
treat, our very special friend Jimmy
is going to do what he loves most: motivational
standup comedy. Let's give him a big
hand.
JIMMY
Wow, what a great audience. Well, just
in case you were wondering, I do have
a disability. I am totally happy with
the way I was born, very much. I travel
to different states and talk to kids
about being proud of what they are.
Mm-my mom says that God has a p-plan
for everyone. I guess I was plan B.
You guys like imp-personations?
TIMMY
Timmy.
JIMMY
How about Jimmy Stewart? "Merry Christmas,
movie house." And John Travolta. "Oh
my God, Mr. Kotter! Uh Mr. Kotter, oh,
oh my God, Mr. Kotter!"
STAN
Jimmy's funny, dude.
BUTTERS
Huh, yeahahah, uhwehell, hehe's the
coolest kid with disabilities in the
world!
TIMMY
Hmph!
STUART
Uh, Kenny, it's nine o'clock.
RANDY
Come on, Stanley.
BIG GAY AL
Oops, guess we're out of time, kids.
Now remember, tomorrow you all have
bake sales in your respective neighborhoods
to raise money. We'll meet back here
next Tuesday, and see who raised the
most. Good luck.
STAN
Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't
we see if Jimmy wants to come be in
our Scout club?
CARTMAN
Hey yeah!
TIMMY
Uh Timmuh Timmy Timmy Timmy.
STAN
Hey Jimmy, do you wanna join our bake
sale in South Park tomorrow?
JIMMY
Gee, sure, that'd be great! Thanks,
fellas.
RANDY
Come on, Stan.
STAN
Bye, Big Gay Al. We had a great time.
KENNY
(Yeah, see ya)
STAN, CARTMAN
Bye, Jimmy.
JIMMY
See ya tomorrow at the bake sale, fellas.
[Randy's truck, night. Randy is taking the boys home.]
STAN
You were right, Dad. Scouts is awesome!
KENNY
(Yeah!)
STAN
We told ghost stories, a-and learned
how to make a tornado in a glass bottle!
CARTMAN
Yeah, and we learned how to make cakes
and muffins for our bake sale.
STAN
And best of all, we met this kid named
Jimmy. He's disabled, but he doesn't
let it ruin his life! He's awesome!
TIMMY
Timmih!!!
CARTMAN
Yeah, we're gonna use him to help raise
money in our bake sale.
STAN
Cartman, don't say "use him," you big
thilly goose.
TIMMY
Wa-ah!
RANDY
What did you say?!
STAN
I just... called Cartman a name - he's
a, he's a silly goose.
STUART
Uh huh!
RANDY
YOU DO NOT SAY "BIG SILLY GOOSE!!" You
call him an asshole like a normal kid!!
STAN
But dad, I was just tryin' tuh-
RANDY
STANLEY, YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND AN ASSHOLE
THIS INSTANT!!!
STAN
...Asshole.
RANDY
That's better!
CARTMAN
Don't call me an asshole, you sonofabitch.
STAN
Uh, hello? We are having a bake sale
to raise money for scout troop number
four seven. Uh, please stop by and give
us a hand. And now, for your entertainment,
our new best friend, stand-up comic
Jimmy!
JIMMY
Wow, what a great audience. I just flew
into South Park. Boy, are my crutches
tired! What a terrific audience. You
know, sometimes people ask me, "Are
you angry at God for making disabled
people?" I say, "No, I think the world
is better with puh-President Bush."
SHARON
What a brave little boy.
KYLE'S MOTHER
He's able to use comedy to overcome
his handicap! I LOVE him!
JIMMY
Well, I sure have met a lot of interesting
people here in South Park. Hhh-how
about that Eric Cartman kid, huh? "Goddamnit!
God-. No, Kitty, that's my mud pie!
Goddamnit! Eh, Goddamnit!"
STAN
Heheh.
CARTMAN
I don't sound like that.
JIMMY
And how about that school counselor?
"Uh, dr-, drugs are b-bad." "Uh. Drugs
are bad, okay? Uh, drugs are, drugs
are bad, okay? Okay?" Wow, what a great
audience. "Mr. Hat. Be queit, Mr. Hat.
Mr.-" "Hello there, children. Mr. Hat.
Hello- Mr. Hat" "I'm making Salisbury
steak for lunch." "Salisbury steak
for lunch." Eb. Uh. "Goddamnit, Goddamnit!"
And of course, my very favorite, "Timmy!
Huh. Timmy! Uh liv-, uh, living a lie!
Uh living a lie, Timmy!" "Ti- Timmy,
uh living a lie. Heh, heh. Eh Tih- ahah
Timmy." Heh. Sometimes it's like, "Please,
Timmy, learn a new word," heh. "Timmy!
Tu-Timmy!"
TIMMY
Aaaaaaah!
JIMMY
Wow, looks like when it comes to comedy,
I really t-take the c-keh-c. I really
take the cay. I really take the k-keh
cake.
MAN
Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my!
TIMMY
Tiiimm-mmiiih!!!!!
[State Mountain Scouts of America headquarters, day, outside
shot. Inside, three men sit behind a table - a tribunal.]
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
Well, this is it. We've simply gotten
too many complaints from concerned parents
about him. I'm afraid we don't have
a choice.
BIG GAY AL
Hiya fellas!
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
How are you today, Scout?
BIG GAY AL
I'm super, thanks for asking. The troops
are off having bake sales, and I'm pleased
to report that we have already raised
over $600 for the event. Yippie!
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
Oh. Big Gay Al, it has recently come
to our attention that you are... gay.
BIG GAY AL
Well, stop the presses, did you figure
that out all by yourselves, silly buns?
SCOUTMASTER 1
Yes, well, unfortunately for you, the
Scouts have a policy that openly gay
men cannot belong.
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
We are left with no options, Mr. Al.
I'm afraid you are hereby... out of
Scouts.
BIG GAY AL
Out of... Scouts?
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
We're sorry, Mr. Gay Al.
BIG GAY AL
But I've been in Scouts since I was
nine - it's a... huge part of my life.
SCOUTMASTER 2
Uh you must understand that Scouts is
a private club. A club that follows
certain beliefs, and one of those beliefs
is that homosexuality is immoral.
BIG GAY AL
I see...
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
It's nothing against you personally
BIG GAY AL
Wull what if I promise not to be gay
anymore? Pinky swear.
SCOUTMASTER 2
We think it's best you just... move
on.
BIG GAY AL
Right. Move on.
[South Park streets, day. Timmy sits on the sidewalk as Jimmy
ambles towards him.]
JIMMY
Oh, hey Timmy. I'm glad you called,
very much. I've been detecting some
a-animosity towards me lately, and I
was hoping we could bury the hatchet.
TIMMY
Timmih.
JIMMY
What's that?
TIMMY
Hur livin' a lah, Timmih.
JIMMY
A present? You got me a p-present?
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
... Gee, you didn't have to do that.
I mean, I understand why you've been
jealous of my talent. If you work at
it, maybe you could be as... handi-capable
as I am, huh? Wow, a parka. You-you
didn't have to do that, Tim-Tim.
TIMMY
Tim-Timmy.
JIMMY
Oh, sure. I'll see if it fits. This
is very warm. Thanks a lot, Tim-Tim.
Well, I'll see you around.
TIMMY
Timmih!
[As Jimmy walks, suspense music comes up. Jimmy reaches the corner,
and a safe falls from above and cracks the sidewalk behind him.
He crosses the street, and a truck plows into an oncoming car
and jackknifes, sending the car backwards through the air. Jimmy
is untouched. An eagle tries to swoop him up, but misses. Jimbo
and Ned appear atop a building across the street]
JIMBO
There he is! Kill him! Kill him! Oh,
wait, that's not him.
[Some glass blows out from a window next to Jimmy, followed by
a blast of fire, and Jimmy walks. He crosses the second street
and a herd of cattle stampede past him. He continues down the
road, and a space shuttle crashes into the sidewalk, nose first.]
JIMMY
Thanks again, Tim-Tim.
TIMMY
Tim-Timmay!
[Big Gay Al's house, night. Quite colorful front lawn, with fountain,
flowers, a flower strip down the middle of the driveway. Soft
music plays. Inside, Al sits on his bed looking over framed photos
of his Scouting career. Scout Troop 417 - 1988, Camp White Swallow
- 1974, his Scout medals, a picture of a black man dresed as
Superman. Al sighs and looks over at his Scout uniform. He walks
over and takes it down, then walk to his dresser and puts the
uniform away in one of its drawers]
BIG GAY AL
Hm, bye, Scouts. Okay, okay, Marc,
stop playing now.
MARC
Hey, don't yell at me! Ya asked me to
come over and play sad songs for you
to pack to, and then ya yell at me.
BIG GAY AL
I'm sorry. Sorry. But now I've packed
everything wawy, so just... well, play
something uplifting, like... "I'm gonna
put all this behind me and make it okay"
music.
MARC
Ooooh, I don't want her. You can have
her. She's too fat for me.
BIG GAY AL
Ogh! Jesus, Marc.
[Park County Community Center, night. A group of men stand outside.
The head Scoutmaster exits the building with a big, beefy, decorated
Scout leader]
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
Parents, this is the new Scout leader,
Mr. Grazier. He will be taking over
for the homosexual.
RANDY
Nice to meet you.
MR. GRAZIER
Marsh, right? We kind of actually know
each other. Your wife and mine are friends.
STUART
Your wife, huh?
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
Carol is the head of a girls' Mountain
Scouts troop.
STUART
Well, I guess we're off to the bar
until nine, then.
MR. GRAZIER
Gonna go pound some brews, huh?
[Inside, Jimmy entertains the troops with more of his comedy
skit as the men talk outside]
JIMMY
And so I said to him, "Hey, ah-I may
be handicapped, bu-but I'm not... deaf."
Wow, what a terrific audience. Well,
for my next joke I'm gonna need a vo-volunteer
from the audience, very much. How about
you, Timmy?
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
Sure, come on up here, Tim-Tim. Timmy,
ladies and gentlemen. Let's give him
a hand, very much. Come to think of
it, give him a pair of legs, too. Here,
Timmy, put on this silly hat. Just
for a second, Timmy. Don't be a jerk,
Timmy. Hey, don't push me!
TIMMY
Timmih!
CARTMAN
Cripple fight!
MR. GRAZIER
That is enough, Scouts! Take your seats!
CARTMAN
Awww!
MR. GRAZIER
Alright, Scouts, I am your new Scout
Master, Mr. Grazier! Together we are
going to become the best! The sleekest!
The most polished Scout troop in all
of Colorado! Isn't that right! When
I ask you a question you will answer
"Yes, Scoutmaster!" Do I make myself
clear!
SCOUTS
Yes, Scoutmaster!
MR. GRAZIER
Good! Now, the first activity for this
evening will be... naked pictures
I'm going to take some pictures of each
of you naked, in case we need them,
for later.
SCOUTS
Awww.
MR. GRAZIER
Aw, what is this?! If there's one thing
I hate, it's a whining platoon! "We
don't wanna do pushups! We don't wanna
get up early! We don't wanna have you
take naked pictures of us!"
CARTMAN
Man, this guy sucks.
MR. GRAZIER
Now, fall in and strip down, Scouts!
[Community Center gym, later. The pictures have been taken and
the Scouts are dressed and at table.]
MR. GRAZIER
Alright, Scouts, we're gonna end this
meeting with a little puppet show.
Here's a little Scout. He's always prepared.
He's always ready. Now, here's a little
Scout telling his parents that Mr. Grazier
took naked pictures of him. Look what
happens. Oh! No! Aw! Aw! Aw! Do I
make myself clear, Scouts!
SCOUTS
Yes, Scoutmaster!
MR. GRAZIER
Oh, hello parents. Alright, that's
all the time we have for tonight, Scouts.
We sure had a great time, didn't we?
SCOUTS
Yes sir Scoutmaster!
RANDY
Wow, you sure whipped those kids into
shape.
STUART
Yeah. Now they're acting like men.
MR. GRAZIER
Well, you know what I say about kids:
They're all pink on the inside.
RANDY
You bet.
STUART
I heard that.
RANDY
See ya, Mr. Grazier.
[Big Gay Al's house, night, living room. Al is on the couch unkempt,
covered in a blanket, watching TV, and devouring ice cream. The
door bell rings]
BIG GAY AL
Go away! I'm dead.
BUTTERS
Oh, well, here he is.
STAN
Big Gay Al, what are you doing??
CARTMAN
Yeah! Get your big gay ass off the couch
and come be our scoutmaster again!
BIG GAY AL
I can't, kids. I've been... kicked out
of Scouts.
STAN
Kicked out? Oh no!
CARTMAN
But you have to come back. We hate our
new scout leader.
BIG GAY AL
Really? Oo-why?
BUTTERS
We can't tell you.
BIG GAY AL
Why not?
BUTTERS
Oh, no. No. Oh, no. No! Oh no no!
STAN
Please, Big Gay Al. We don't wanna go
on a camp trip with this guy.next week.
BIG GAY AL
Boys, umph, there's nothing I can do.
The Scouts don't allow homosexuals.
JIMMY
Well then that settles it! Fellas, what
we're gonna hafta do is try to ch...
change the Scouts' rules, very much.
STAN
What do we want?
BOYS
Gays in Scouts!
STAN
When do we want it?
TIMMY
Timmih!
STAN
What do we want?
BOYS
Gays in Scouts!
STAN
When do we want it?
TIMMY
Timmih!
STAN
What do we want?
RANDY
Oh, no.
BOYS
Gays in Scouts!
STAN
When do we want it?
TIMMY
Timmih!
[South Park streets, day, further down the street. The six boys
continue picketing.]
STAN
What do we want?
BOYS
Gays in Scouts!
STAN
When do we want it?
TIMMY
Timmih!
STAN
Alright, this looks like the perfect
place to get some signatures.
LITTLE GIRL
Puppies. Puppies for sale.
CARTMAN
Beat it, toots! We've got discrimination
work to do!
STAN
Alright, let's set up. Ah hi, we're
here to collect signature in support
to force the Scouts to accept gays?
Uh, hello, gays in Scouts? Goddamnit!
BUTTERS
Hey! Why don't we have Jimmy do some
stand-up comedy? Like at our bake sale,
very much?
STAN
That's a great idea! Attention, ladies
and gentlemen! Now, for your entertainment,
stand-up comic, Jimmy!
JIMMY
Wow, what a great audience. For my
first joke, I'm going to need a... volunteer.
Come on up here, Tim-Tim. Timmy, when
I tell you to do something, you do it!
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
Timmy, don't make me k... kick you ass!
TIMMY
Timmay!
JIMMY
Put on the hat!
TIMMY
TIMMAY!
JIMMY
Pu-put it on!!
STAN
Dude, this looks like it could get ugly.
TIMMY
Timmih. Timmih.
JIMMY
Not this year.
TIMMY
Timmih Timmh.
CARTMAN
Cripple fight!
TIMMY
Haaa.
JIMMY
Coem on. Come on!
TIMMY
Timmih.
[South Park Church. A service is on, and organ music plays]
CARTMAN
CRIPPLE FIGHT!!!
[Henry's Supermarket, inside. Shoppers mill about, getting their
items]
CARTMAN
Attention, shoppers. Outside, we have...
cripple fight. Cripple fight outside!
[Parking lot. Timmy delivers the fist blow, to Jimmy's head,
but Jimmy delivers four blows back with his crutches. The third
one turns Timmy's head to the left. The fourth one turns Timmy's
head to the right and forces the wheelchair backwards. Jimmy
recovers and the rivals approach each other anew]
JIMMY
Come on!
[Jimmy jumps up and delivers a blow to Timmy's face, but Timmy
responds with four quick blows - a right hook, two left jabs,
and another right hook - sending Jimmy to the ground face first.]
JIMMY
Man.
STAN
Jesus Christ, dude!
WOMAN
Oh my God!
MAN
Just let 'em have it out, Susan. They'll
run out of steam soon.
TIMMY
Hahnay Timmih.
JIMMY
Huah!
TIMMY
Hahnay Timmih.
JIMMY
Come on!
TIMMY
Timmih!
JIMMY
No! Ow!
[Jimmy recoups and delivers a back-handed blow to Timmy with
his right crutch, then measures Timmy and swings the crutch back
and launches Timmy out of his chair. Timmy quickly scrambles
back to his chair, but Jimmy whacks him away again. Camera movements
get more dynamic. Timmy rolls over and Jimmy walks up to him
and offers his left hand]
JIMMY
Timmy? Timmy?
I told you to put on the HAT!! [swings his right crutch and blows
Timmy out of the chair again. Jimmy walks up to Timmy and pulls
him up by the hair, and swings the right crutch at him, but Timmy
blocks it and holds both crutches down]
You dirty motherfucker! [hits Timmy with the crutches, and Timmy
responds with a headbutt, knocking Jimmy down. Timmy goes down
himself]
MAN 2
What's goin' on?
MAN 3
Some kind of gay pride rally.
[Timmy gets a hold of Jimmy and delivers a right cross. Jimmy
responds by striking Timmy with both crutches, then grounding
his crutches and swinging his legs up to strike Timmy agian.
Next, Jimmy tries to pull Timmy off the wheelchair head first,
then tries to get a reverse headlock on Timmy. Timmy breaks out
of it and delivers a blow. They each try a headlock on the other,
but the effort forces the wheelchair backwards, and they both
fall out.]
TIMMY
Lah-livin' a lie!
[Jimmy chokes Timmy for a bit, then rises to jump on him. Timmy
tries to force Jimmy off by pushing Jimmy's face back, but Jimmy
bites Timmy's fingers. Timmy cries in pain, then flips Jimmy
off overhead. Jimmy scrambles up on his crutches as Timmy tends
to his bitten hand, and strikes Timmy again, and again. Jimmy
then swings his legs into Timmy and flies off - a flying kick.
Timmy rises and jumps on Jimmy, grabbing his head and ramming
it into the ground twice, then performing an eye gouge. Jimmy
works around it and throws Timmy off, then jumps on him, driving
a knee into Timmy's crotch five times, shot from various angles.
Jimmy struggles to get up, and Timmy trips him.]
[Channel 4 News report]
REPORTER
Tom, I'm standing out in front of Henry's
Supermarket where five brave little
boys are holding a rally to support
gays in scouting. The rally is drawing
so much attention that people all over
the country are taking media notice.
FARMER
Those boys have shown me the light.
Uh I never knew the Mountain Scouts
was a hate group.
JOE
This is a wake up call to America.
We cannot turn our backs on gays anymore!
[South Park Bar. People are looking at the report]
RANDY
Oh, God, they're actually pulling it
off.
Reporter [voice only] The rally has also caught the attention
of old Scouts members, like Steven Spielberg, director of such
films as Always and 1941.
[Cut to Channel 4 News report]
STEVEN SPIELBERG
I salute those boys and their courage.
I am hereby cutting all my funding to
the Scouts!
REPORTER
The rally has also caught the attention
of high-powered lawyer, Gloria Allred.
GLORIA ALLRED
It is a disgrace that these homophobes
are allowed to discriminate. I am taking
this case on, personally!
REPORTER
With this kind of support, Tom, these
boys are sure to have a victory for
gays. Back to you.
TOM
Thanks, Chris. In other news, the FBI
has finally caught the child molester
known as Mr. Slippyfist. This sick
child molester was found with disturbing
graphic photos of young boys naked,
which we will show you now.
[Cut to South Park Bar for reactions. The men are stunned]
TOM
Here's one. And here's another.
STUART
Kenny?
RANDY
Oh my God.
TOM
Here, look at this one. Sick sonofabitch!
Here's one right here.
[Jimmy and Timmy have taken to throwing each other all over the
place. Jimmy and Timmy land on a car and tumble down to the ground
beside it. The camera follows the action closely. Jimmy picks
Timmy up and throws him back on the car, then swings his right
crutch at Timmy, striking him, and strikes him again on the return
swing. Timmy punches Jimmy with his left fist, sending Jimmy
spinning around. Jimmy swings at Timmy again, but Timmy ducks
and catches Jimmy in a sleeper hold, holding on for a few seconds.
Jimmy escapes, then picks Timmy up high and brings him down upon
the left knee for a back-breaker. Timmy rises and responds with
a neck-breaker, knocking Jimmy out. Both boys lay there, motionless.]
MAN
Alright, boys, break it up.
[Colorado Supreme Court, day, exterior shot. Inside, the justices
enter and take their seats]
BAILIFF
All rise.
CHIEF JUSTICE
In the case of Big Gay Al versus Mountain
Scouts of America: due to the overwhelming
show of support, it is the ruling of
this court that the Scouts must allow
Big Gay Al and all gays into their club!
CROWD
Alright! Yeah! Woohoo!
RANDY
Well, we'va all learned an important
lesson. That just because somebody's
gay doesn't mean they're gonna molest
children. Straight people do that too.
CROWD
Yeah!
CHIEF JUSTICE
And furthermore, the Scout elders will
be put into stocks for three days, so
they can see how it feels to be outcast!
CROWD
Hooray, yeah, yeahah!
STAN
We did it! We did it!
GLROIA ALLRED
I did it! I did it! Haha!
[Colorado Supreme Court, day, outside. Gloria Allred is holding
a press conference at the top of the steps at the courthouse]
GLORIA ALLRED
Today is a great day for democracy.
The Scouts have been exposed for the
vile gay bashers they are. And we all
it all to me, and these six brave little
boys five... brave little boys. And
now, here to take his official oath
back in Scouts is Big Gay Al.
BIG GAY AL
Thank you all very much. But I don't
want this.
CROWD MEMBERS
What's he saying?
STAN
Huh?
BIG GAY AL
Look, I appreciate what you kids did;
really, I really do. But this isn't
what I wanted. I'm proud to be gay.
And I'm proud to be in a country where
I'm free to express myself. But freedom
is a two-way street. If I'm free to
express myself, then the Scouts have
to be free to express themselves, too.
I know these men. They are good men.
They are kind men. They do what they
think is best for kids. No matter how
wrong we think they might be, it isn't
right for us to force them to think
our way. It's up to us to persuade,
and help them see the light, not extort
them to. Please, don't cut the Scouts'
funding. The Scouts help and have always
helped a lot of kids. That's why I love
them. I will continue to persuade them
to change their mind, but this is the
wrong way to do it. So, I am hereby
dropping my case, and allowing the Scouts
their right to not allow gays into their
private club.
MAN
Uh, uh, HOORAY!
ANOTHER MAN
Hooray, hey!
STAN
So wait, did we do good?
BUTTERS
Uh yeah, ah I think so.
CARTMAN
Eh, we kick ass.
BIG GAY AL
Come on kids, let's go get some ice
cream!
GLORIA ALLRED
You can't do this! You homophobe!
JIMMY
Well, Timmy, I guess we learned an important
lesson, too, very much. There is room
for more than one handi-capable person
in Scouts.
TIMMY
Timmih.
JIMMY
I'm glad we're best friends now. See
ya at Scouts.
TIMMY
Tim-mih.
TIMMY
Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih, Timmih
Timmih Timmih. Timmih Timmih Timmih
Timmih, Timmih Timmih Timmih. Aaaaah.
STAN
Dude, Timmy, come on! We're gonna be
late for Scouts!
[Park County Community Center, day. Inside the boys are seated
around the table, and a new Scoutmaster, the head Scoutmaster,
is present]
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
Alright, boys, I am your new Scout leader.
Everything is going to be just fine.
No naked pictures.
TIMMY
Uh, Timmih.
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
Yes, Timmy? Oh dear. Jimmy?
JIMMY
Yes?
HEAD SCOUTMASTER
You know our policy: I'm afraid you're...
out of Scouts.
JIMMY
Out of Scouts?
TIMMY
Tim-mih.
Jimmy Huh w-what? [the two other Scoutmasters come up behind
Jimmy, pull him out of his chair, and carry him towards the entrance]
Hey wait a minute! This is crazy! You can't do this!
STAN
Wow, I never knew Jimmy was gay.
BUTTERS
Me neither.
JIMMY
No! No!
TIMMY
Timmiiih!!!
THE END
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