"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 705
"FAT BUTT AND PANCAKE HEAD"
Written by
Trey Parker
CELEBRATE CULTURAL DIVERSITY
[South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is speaking to the school in
the school gym, which is nicely decorated in the flags of many
nations, both on the rafters and on the small stage set up at
one end of the basketball court.]
KYLE
And in conclusion, the Latino community
has provided America, and indeed, the
entire world with innovations that we
would be lost without. And that is my
presentation on the role of Hispanics
in American technology. Thank you.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Okay, thank you, Kyle Broflovski.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
That was very good, Kyle. I think the
Latino Endowment Council was very happy
with your presentation. Looks like you
might win.
KYLE
Cool.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
All right, students, members of the
school board. Our last speaker will
discuss the important role of Latinos
in the arts. Here is... Eric Cartman.
Eric Cartman?
CARTMAN
Thank you. The Latino culture has been
very influential on the arts in America.
But you don't have to ask me. You can
ask my special guest. Miss Jennifer
Lopez.
KIDS
Jennifer Lopez?
KYLE
No way.
CARTMAN
Miss Lopez, come on out here.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Hallooo.
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, Jesus Christ.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
My name is Hennifer Lopez. I eat tacos,
y burritos.
CARTMAN
Ms. Lopez, would you like to talk about
Lations and the arts?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh sí, sí. But first I would like to
put on my pretty dress.
CARTMAN
Oh, you mean this one?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh sí sí sí. I like it very much.
CARTMAN
There we go, Saright?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Saright.
CARTMAN
That's a very pretty dress.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
It better be! I am Hennifer Lopez!
CARTMAN
Nonono, you're Jennifer Lopez
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Sí sí. Hennifer Lopez!
CARTMAN
Nono, Jeh-
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Heh-
CARTMAN
Jeh-
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Heh-
CARTMAN
Jeh
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Jeh
CARTMAN
Jennifer Lopez
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Hennifer Lopez
A COUNCIL MEMBER
Hahahahaha, oh my.
CARTMAN
Ms. Lopez, could you show everyone your
example of Latino arts?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Don't be fooled by all my money. I still
like to eat tacos, honey. So crispy
on the outside, so super good and yummy.
CARTMAN
And that is my presentation on Latinos
in the arts. Thank you.
[South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down one side inside the
mall. Cartman leads the way]
CARTMAN
Oh-hoh man! A twenty-dollar gift certificate
at the mall! I can buy whatever I want!
Cultural Diversity Day kicks ass!
KYLE
It isn't fair. I spent weeks preparing
my speech on Latino culture.
CARTMAN
Hey, I spent weeks preparing too, Kyle.
KYLE
No you didn't, asshole! What you did
was totally stupid and racist! And you
only did it to screw me over!
CARTMAN
Awww, I don't think Kyle likes you,
Ms. Lopez.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Aww, that makes me muy triste.
CARTMAN
Ms. Lopez, do you like Kyle?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh sí sí, very much.
CARTMAN
Ms. Lopez, would you like to give Kyle
a kiss?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh sí, sí sí, my kisses taste like tacos.
CARTMAN
Is nice?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Is bery nice. He's so hansome.
KYLE
Stop it!
CARTMAN
Hey, come one guys! We can use part
of my gift certificate to buy food at
the food court.
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
[South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down the mall. Cartman's
hand is finishing off a taco as he looks at it.]
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Mmm, tacos! So yummy!
KYLE
Stop wasting the tacos on your hand,
Cartman!
CARTMAN
Hey, Ms. Lopez has to eat, too.
KYLE
She's not eating it, it's just comint
out her backside!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
When you eat a taco it comes out your
backside too, cholo!
KENNY
(Heheehee, heheh yeahah)
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Look look! Make your own music video!
KYLE
Nonono, we're not going into one of
those cheesy places, Cartman!
CARTMAN
I agree. Those places are stupid.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
It's not stupid. I need to make music
video.
STAN
Look, we're not going in there, so
just-! Wait, why the hell am I talking
to your hand? Look, we're not going
in there, so just knock it off!
CARTMAN
Hey, I'm on your guys's side.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Just wait one minute, let me see how
much it is.
KYLE
God damnit!
CASHIER
Welcome to Make Your Own Video. All
set to rock and roll?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
How much to make a video?
CASHIER
Uh, well, it's nine ninety five for
a three-minute tape.
CARTMAN
Heh! We're not paying nine ninety five!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh please! Come on, guys!
KYLE
Cartman, will you stop this gayness?!
CARTMAN
All right all right, here's ten dollars!
KYLE
That's not what I meant!
CASHIER
All right, just come over here and stand
in front of the green screen. What
kind of song do you want?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Something warm and spicy. Spicier.
Spicierrr!
Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco.
Don't think that just because I got a lot of money
I'll give you taco-flavored kisses, honey!
Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.
Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco.
CASHIER
You know, I've seen a lot of videos
here at the mall, and that was by far
the best!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh, gracias, "Machél"!
CASHIER
Hey, I've got a friend who's interning
at a big record label in L.A. I'll send
a copy on to him and maybe he'll get
the bigwigs to see ya.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh, gracias, Machel, gracias!
KYLE
Can we go now, please?!
CARTMAN
Yeah, I wanna leave.
KYLE
Stop it, Cartman!
CARTMAN
What?
[BHI records, L.A. day. The tape is being played on a massive
screen in an office.]
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored
kisses.
Taco taco.
BHI PRESIDENT
She's fantiastic. Who is she?
AIDE 1
Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer
Lopez
AIDE 2
That makes sense. She reminds me of
J-Lo.
BHI PRESIDENT
Yeah, but she's younger and spicier.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco
taco.
AIDE 2
I don't think J-Lo would like it very
much if we signed this new girl.
BHI PRESIDENT
No, you're right. We're gonna have to
fire J-Lo.
[Cartman's house, day. The phone rings in the kitchen and he
answers it.]
CARTMAN
Hello? ...BHI records? ...Oh, it's for
you, Ms. Lopez.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh, sí sí sííí. Allo!
CARTMAN
What do they want?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Just a second, I'm trying to hear.
CARTMAN
S'awright?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
S'awright. Yes yes, this is Ms. Hrrrlopez.
Uh huh.
CARTMAN
What? What?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh my God I can't believe it!!!
CARTMAN
Hello hello, are you still there?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
They want to sign me to the rrrecord
companyyy!
CARTMAN
You want to sign Ms. Lopez?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh my God, it's happening for me!
CARTMAN
Yes! Yes, we can record an album next
week! Sure we can write ten songs! We'll
start tonight!! We're gonna be rich!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
We're gonna be famose!
CARTMAN
Come on, we gotta get to work on some
songs!
[Cartman's house, night. Cartman is on his bed writing away on
a notepad]
CARTMAN
There. That's three more songs we've
written already! Your style of music
is so easy it doesn't require any thought
at all!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh, sí sí sííí.
CARTMAN
Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Ohh, I'm so sleeeepyyy.
CARTMAN
Good night, Ms. Lopez. Tomorrow is gonna
be a great day. Great day tomorrow...
Tomorrow... "Kyle, you were wrong!
We did do a record deal!" "You were
wrong, Kyle!" "Nananananaaana!" "Hahahahahaaaha!"
"Nananananaaana!" "Hahahahahaaaha!"
Awesommme. Yeeessss.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Aaahhhh. Aaahhhh.
[An Oscar ceremony. Two Oscars stand guard over a red carpet.
On either side of the carpet is a crowd of people. A limo pulls
up and a hand floats out of it.]
MAN 1
Ms. Lopez! Up here!
MAN 2
Jennifer, We love you Jennifer!
MAN 3
Jennifer, over here.
MAN 4
Jennifer!
[A concert. Her first single is thumping away, and she appears
as just a hand, floating over the stage floor]
FEMALE FAN
We love you Jennifer!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Aaahhhh.
[BHI Records, Los Angeles, day. The president and his men are
in a meeting when he looks up]
BHI PRESIDENT
Ah, Ms. Lopez, come on in.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Yo, make it quick. I got a video shoot
at two and a script reading at five.
BHI PRESIDENT
Yes, well uh, Ms. Lopes, we regret to
inform you that, uh... we're dropping
you from the label.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
What? Oh no you di'n't!
AIDE 1
We wanna thank you for all your hard
work and ..."talent".
JENNIFER LOPEZ
You can't drop me! I'm Jennifer Lopez!
How can you drop me?!
BHI PRESIDENT
Wu-well a very talented younger singer
has come to our attention and, and the
truth of the matter is her name happens
to be Jennifer Lopez as well. And we
really can't have two here at BHI Records.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Who the hell is this other Jennifer
Lopez?! Where 'os she come from?!
AIDE 1
Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado
now, but uh I believe she originally
from Mexico, just like you.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puer'ah
Rican!
BHI PRESIDENT
Whatever. Look, it's nothing persona,
we just think you need to move on.
AIDE 2
Bu- AND you're a mean-spirited bitch
who spits on people who aren't rich
and famous.
[A limosine, from the back seat. A small TV is on near the floor,
behind the driver.]
REPORTER
And sources say that the new film will
star Ben Affleck.
BEN
Huhuhuh, that's me. How'd it go, baby?
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Terrible, Ben! Some girl in Colorado
is trying to become the new Jennifer
Lopez! Shut up!
BEN
What?? Who could replace you??
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Yo driver. Stupid driver!
DRIVER
Yes, ma'am. Where to?
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Take me to South Park, Colorado! I'm
gonna kill that bitch!!
[South Park Elementary, day. The kids file in to class. Many
of them are already seated. Butters is looking out the window]
CARTMAN RUNS UP
Hay everybody! Listen up! I've got somethng
to tell Kyle!
KYLE
...What?
CARTMAN
Hahahahahaaaha! Hahahahahaaaha! Hahaha,
Hahaha, Hahahahahahaha!
STAN
What are you gloating about?
CARTMAN
Oh, I'm not gloating. I just got a little
call from a recond company in Los Angeles
and, they want Ms. Lopez to recored
an album next week.
KIDS IN CLASS
Wow, really?
KYLE
No!
CARTMAN
Yup, looks like I'm gonna be rich.
And famous.
MR. GARRISON
Olay, children, let's take our seats.
If you'll remember yesterday we were
discussing state capitals.
BUTTERS
Hey, a big limosine just pulled up
in front of the school!
MR. GARRISON
Butters, will you pay attention, please?
BUTTERS
Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez!
CARTMAN
Jennifer Lopez?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Yes?
BUTTERS
Holy geez wow! There's Ben Affleck,
too!
A BOY
Wow, cool!
MR. GARRISON
Will you kids shut up? Jennifer Lopez
and Ben Affleck are not-! Oh my God,
that's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.
MR. SLAVE
Oh Jesus, will you look at those boots?
MR. GARRISON
Well what are we waiting for? Let's
get outside!
[South Park Elementary, outside, later. Word gets around and
all of the school comes out to see for itself]
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Is it true? Jennifer Lopez is here?
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Here she comes! Here she comes!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Okay! What smart-mouthed little punk-ass
bitch has been saying they're the new
Jennifer Lopez, huh?!
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
J-Lo, can we get a picture of you with
the kids?
JENNIFER LOPEZ
No! Shut up! If I find the ho who thinks
she's taken my career from me, I'm gonna
wring her pretty little neck! So, nobody
want's to fess up, huh? Too scared to
talk?! You'd better remember, bitch,
that I'll come and take you down if
you ever say anythin' again!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
You can suck my culo, chica!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Who was that?! You go' a problem?!
CARTMAN
Not me!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Then who?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Hola, bitchola!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
What the hell is that?!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
My name is Hennifer Hlopez! And I like
tacos, and burritos.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
That? That's what replaced me?!
CARTMAN
I'm sure it was just a mistake.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Only mistake was when this ghetto trash
got signed in the first place!
CARTMAN
Shut your God-damned mouth!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
You fucking smartass, who do you think
you are?!
CARTMAN
Nobody
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I am Yennifer Hrlopez! I eat tacos,
and burritos!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Fuck you!
CARTMAN
Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop!
I'll stop!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
You'd better stop!
CARTMAN
I will
BEN
Come on, Jenny, let's go
BEBE
Wow, Ben Affleck.
BEN
We shouldbe getting back to the uh...
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Don' you forget what'll happen to you,
ho! Come on, Benny!
KYLE
Well, there you go, fatass! I hope you
learned your lesson.
CARTMAN
Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should
record that album now.
KYLE
Good.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Or maybe I shou-ould.
KYLE
Aw, God-damnit!
CARTMAN
Ohnonono, Ms. Lopez.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Ohsísísí, señor.
KYLE
That does it. I'm out.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh, where are you going, Kyle? Come
give me kisses!
[Music Lab Recording Studios, night.]
AIDE 1
All right, Ms. Lopez, take it from the
top.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Baby let's make a run for the border,
I've got a hunger only tacos can stop.
I know exactly what I ordered
Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.
BHI PRESIDENT
Gentlemen, we have ourselves a hit.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I need to make a run for the border,
If you pay I'll take off my top.
Do you remember what I want to order?
Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.
Yeah yeah, and don't forget the hot sauce, Cholo!
[Cartman's house, night. He's asleep, dreaming]
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Don't think just because I got money
I won't still give you taco-flavord kisses, honey.
I'm gonna fulfill all your sexy wishes
Give you lots of taco-flavored kisses
CARTMAN
What the hell are you doing?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I'm practicing my dancinngg!
CARTMAN
Look, we spent all night at the recording
studio. Now it's time to sleep!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Dancing!
CARTMAN
Sleep!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Dancing!
CARTMAN
Sleep!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Dancing
CARTMAN
Moooommm!
LIANE
What's the matter, sweetie?
CARTMAN
Ms. Lopez won't go to sleep!
[Cartman's house, day. Ben Affleck approaches the front door
with a bouquet of flowers and knocks on the door]
CARTMAN
Heyesss.
BEN
Hey, I was wondering if I could talk
to Ms. Lopez.
CARTMAN
She's not here right now.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Ben? Is that my darling Ben?
BEN
Jenny? Yes, Jenny, eheh, it's me! Where
are you? Please, I-I have to see her!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Ben!!! Oh, you bought me rrrrroses!
BEN
Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about
you.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I can't stop thinking about you either,
Ben!
BEN
I've been meaning to write a song or
a poem, but I have no talent.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I know, my darleeeng. That's okay.
BEN
Will you just take a ride with me in
my awesome car?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh Ben, I would LOVE to!
CARTMAN
NO!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
'Scuse me one second, Ben. Don't you
ruin this opportunity for me! How can
you stand in the way of this?!
CARTMAN
I'm not going out in his car.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I'm not gonna let you blow this one
chance I have.
CARTMAN
I don't care. I'm supposed to sit here
and do my homework.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Don't you dare
CARTMAN
I don't care, 'cause I'm the one that's
gonna get in trouble if you don't-!
Okay, okay, wait, okay um, fine fine
fine!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Okay, Ben, let's go!
[A mountain road. Ben and Cartman drive along at a fast clip]
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh Ben, I am soo happy! The cool breeze
blowing through my hair in your sexy
automobile.
BEN
Let's spend the whole day together!
[a soft song plays. The next scene is a dawn on a beach, where
"Jennifer Lopez" and Ben run side by side. Next is a restaurant
where Ben has some wine while "Jennifer Lopez" enjoys a martini.
Next scene, they're watching a movie together. "Jennifer Lopez"
has her own seat between Ben and Cartman. Bem stretches and puts
his hand on the headrest behind "Jennifer Lopez". Cartman looks,
then looks away angrily. Next scene is at a jewelry store, where
Ben picks out some earrings for "Jennifer Lopez". "Jennifer Lopez"
opens her mouth in delight and Ben smiles. Next scene, Ben is
resting on Cartman's lap and chatting with "Jennifer Lopez".
Again, Cartman looks away in disgust. Last scene is undercover
photos taken of Ben and "Jennifer Lopez", which end up on The
National Inquisition.]
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr
in every way
You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget
all about...
Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more.
I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about...
Tacos......
BEN
Jenny, I have to tell you something.
I... I think I love you.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Hoohh, I love you too, Ben! But...
BEN
But what?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
But what if you still have feelings
for the slut with the large ass?
BEN
I still care for her. Maybe I always
will. But... You just have so much more
going on. Up here.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh Ben. Beennn.
BEN
Jenny, can I kiss you?
CARTMAN
NO!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Yes! Oh yes, Ben, kiss me!
CARTMAN
Aw, God damnit! Aww- awww, dude!
BEN
Mmm, just like tacos.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Taco-flavored kisses for my Ben.
BEN
You're so hot, baby.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I make you hot, Ben?
BEN
Mm, yeah. Oh, Jenny. Oh Jenny!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Ben...
BEN
Oh God, Jenny!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh, Ben, I adore you!
CARTMAN
OHH, SICK!! AWW THAT'S IT! WE'RE LEAVING
NOW!!
BEN
But I love her!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Ben!
BEN
Jenny! Jenny, I'll call you!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I love you, Ben!
[Music Lab Recording Studio, night. "Jennifer Lopez" is recording
new tracks. Cartman is practically sleeping on the job as his
hand belts out new tunes]
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos?
Two tacos chulo, too. I'm just Jenny from the hood.
Ooo, can I have your tacos? Oh- stop. Stop, stop. STOP! [the
band stops playing] What the hell is wrong with you?! You cholos
can't even keep a beat! I deserve better than thees! I an Hennifer
Lopez! Where is my water?! [a page brings "her" a bottle of water]
Not Evian, Pellegrino, you stupid beetch!
AIDE 2
Uh, that's fine Ms. Lopez. Look, it's
been a long night. Why don't we pick
it up in the morning?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Fine my ass, cholo! I'll tell you when
it's fine!
[Music Lab Recording Studio, night, back entrance. Cartamn exits
and goes down three steps.]
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Stupid idiots! How am I supposed to
make an album with those cholos?!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
You little snot-nose! You ruin my
career and now you're trying to steal
my man?!
CARTMAN
Aww crap.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
You'd better stay away from him!
CARTMAN
OW! OW! OH JESUS! OW!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. Dr. Doctor is showing Liane,
Cartman's mother, an X-ray of her son's hand]
DR. DOCTOR
Your son's hand has a hairline fracture
and two dislocated fingers.
LIANE
Oh dear.
DR. DOCTOR
But I'm more concerned about his state
of mind. Your son appears to be completely
insane.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Ahhh Ahhhh
CARTMAN
I told you this would happen.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh, hello guys.
KYLE
Cartman, you need to stop this stupid
little game you're playing!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh, Kyle, why you no like meee?
CARTMAN
Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on,
we're staying away from Ben Affleck.
KYLE
I hate you.
LIANE
Come on, sweetie. Doctor says you need
to get home and get lots of rest.
[Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows. Cartman, asleep, stretches
and wakes up, then glances to his left.]
CARTMAN
EHAGH! Moooooommmm!
LIANE
What is it, sweetie?
CARTMAN
Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!
LIANE
Oooo, looks like the tooth fairy was
extra-happy with youuu.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Buenos días, my love.
BEN
Good morning, baby.
CARTMAN
You have to get out of here! Jennifer
Lopez is gonna kick my ass again!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
He's not going anywhere! Ben and I were
up all night making love.
CARTMAN
What? Oh- AWWW! Ben Affleck's spooge!!
BEN
Should we tell him the news?
CARTMAN
What news?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I think we should tell him.
BEN
It's S'aright?
CARTMAN
S'aright.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
S'aright.
BEN
We're getting married!!
CARTMAN
Oh, balls!
[Kyle's house, day. He, Stan and Kenny watch TV on the couch.
The doorbell rings]
KYLE
Come in. COME IN!!
CARTMAN
Guys, I need to talk to you.
STAN
What's the matter?
CARTMAN
I can't handle it anymore. All the fame
and the Ben Affleck spooge, I... I just
can't go on living with Ms. Lopez.
KYLE
So stop doing it!
CARTMAN
Stop doing what?
KYLE
You know God-damn well what! Now get
outta here!
CARTMAN
Please, you guys. It's like, I can't
even have a moment to myself anymore.
See?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Don't you dare ever do that to me again!
KYLE
Aw, stop it, Cartman! Your hand hand
doesn't need to breathe!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
You try being in an oven mitt for two
hours!
KYLE
I can see your lips moving!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
I can see your lips moving too, culo!
KYLE
See?! I just saw your lips move!
CARTMAN
Look! I'm just asking you guys for help.
Will you please help me with Ms. Lopez.
STAN
What's she doing?
KYLE
Come here! You're not actually buying
this crap, are you?!
STAN
I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help
it.
KYLE
Look, he knows full well what he's doing,
and he's just waiting for us to buy
into it, and then he'll laugh and point
at our faces and say, "Haha, I got you
guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!"
STAN
Dude, do you really he would go through
all this just to make [us feal dumb?
KYLE
YES, dude!
STAN
Cartman, we decided that if you can
be mature and admit to everyone that
you've gotten yourself into this mess,
then we'll help you.
CARTMAN
Okay, okay, I know that I control everything
Ms. Lopez does.
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh no you don't!
CARTMAN
Quiet, Ms. Lopez.
KYLE
Out!
CARTMAN
Guys... Uh... Uh...
[Outside, day. Cartman reaches the sidewalk when he sees something]
BEN
There you are, Jenny! I've been lookin'
all over for you, baby! Jenny?
AIDE 1
Ms. Lopez, you were due in the studio
two hours ago! Come on!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
So you're gettin' married, huh?
BEN
Don't you hurt her!
BHI PRESIDENT
We'll sue you!
KYLE
Oh Jesus.
[A bridge over a wide river, day. Jennifer Lopez has followed
Cartman here. Cartman screams. A police car pulls up from the
other end of the bridge. The driver steps out, and both officers
drraw their guns at Jennifer Lopez, now unrecognizable]
POLICE OFFICER 1
Freeze, leafblower!
AIDE 1
Arrest that woman! She wants to kill
one of our artists!
POLICE OFFICER 2
All right, you're going downtown, bean-breath.
BEN
Jenny! Oh, I thoughth I was goin' lose
you! Let's run away and get married
tongiht!
AIDE 2
Hey, she can't get married tonight,
she has a recording session!
BEN
Our love is like rain!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
That's what you said about me, asshole!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Quiet!
BHI PRESIDENT
Get her out of here!
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Fuck you!
POLICE OFFICER 2
Shut up, picante pants!
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Everyone be quiet! I'm... I'm not who
you think I am.
BHI PRESIDENT
You're not?
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot
contimue anymore. I am not Hennifer
Lopez. I am... ...Mitch Connor.
POLICE OFFICER 2
Who is Mitch Connor?
"MITCH CONNOR"
Just your run of the mill con man. I've
been moving from town to town, scamming
people since I was fifteen. But I'm
tired of running.
KYLE
Oh no, no no, nonono.
"MITCH CONNOR"
I've been a cheater all my life. And
now I've ruined a singer's career, lost
a record company millions, and cost
this little boy his precious time.
KYLE
Stop. It.
"MITCH CONNOR"
Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry
I played Tiddly Winks with your heart.
But it's over now. The cyanide pill
I took should be taking effect very
soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin'
down. I wonder, will I dream?
POLICE OFFICER 2
Well, looks like Mitch Connor has cashed
in his last chips.
KYLE
Dude, who the hell is Mitch Connor?
CARTMAN
I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look,
I don't care what you guys believe.
But with all the crazy stuff that goes
on in this town, isn't it possible,
just possible, that something I don't
understand happened here?
KYLE
All right. All right, I guess it's
possible.
CARTMAN
Hahahahahaaaha! I got you kinda! I
got you kinda!
[A fast-food Mexican Restaurant, La Taco. People are enjoying
their food, one person is waiting for his order, and there are
employees behind the counter. One of them looks familiar...]
MANAGER
Okay, Ms. Lopez, over here we have the
toppings station. This is where all
your cheeses and lettuce go on. .
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Ow. Look out, muffinhead!
MANAGER
Ahh, look, Ms. Lopez, uh, if you're
gonna be a member of the La Taco family,
you're gonna have to learn to get along
with people.
JENNIFER LOPEZ
Get a what with who?
MANAGER
Uh why don't you start chopping those
onions and I'll come check on you a
little later?
JENNIFER LOPEZ
This is bullshit! How the fuck did
I end up working in a La Taco?! I had
six platinum records and I starred in
five Hollywood movies!
COWORKER
Yeah. Me too.
THE END
"JENNIFER LOPEZ"
Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr
in every way
You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget
all about...
Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more.
I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about...
Tacos......
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