"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 304
"JAKOVASAURS"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman
[The boys are camping near Stark's Pond. They've set up a campfire
and are roasting marshmallows. Cartman plays a harmonica]
CARTMAN
You guys, listen to this song I just
wrote. It's called, "I Hate You Guys":
[plays four notes before each line]
I hate you guys.
You guys are assholes.
Specially Kenny.
[the other three glare at him] I hate him the most.
I hate you guys. Come on, you guys know the words.
Specially Kenny.
KYLE
This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen.
Facing the wilderness, not having to
be home until 8:30,...
STAN
Where are you going?
CARTMAN
I'm going home for a minute. I have
to go to the bathroom.
KYLE
Just go behind a tree.
CARTMAN
I have to go number two.
STAN
So? You can poo in the wilderness.
CARTMAN
No way, dude! What would I wipe with?
KYLE
Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're
supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen!
CARTMAN
Well what do I sit on?
KYLE
You just squat, stupid!
STAN
Not here! Go further away!
CARTMAN
God, I'm glad you guys know all these
"pooping outside" rules! Urgh. Come
on, now.
KYLE
Watch out for ground eels!
CARTMAN
Stop, you guys! I can't think!
KYLE
What do you have to think about?
CARTMAN
I have to think about... planes dropping
bombs, and dump trucks, and self-serve
ice cream... Oh, that did it.
STAN
Sick, dude!
[In the lake, the water becomes agitated, and a bubble comes
up. Cartman pulls out his harmonica and plays again]
CARTMAN
Poopin' outside,
[a rear shot] Makin' self-serve ice cream
For my friends
Specially Kenny.
Hey, Kenny, Can I borrow one of your gloves? [a yellow creature
peeks out between the trees. It is the one looking at Cartman's
rear.]
KENNY
(Here you go.) (No way!)
CARTMAN
What the?
CREATURE
Oohma poota!
CARTMAN
Oh my God! Come on, you guys, come look
at this!
STAN
We don't wanna look at it, Cartman!
CARTMAN
You guys, get over here!
KYLE
No way, dude!
CARTMAN
I'm serious now! Look. Over by those
bushes.
KYLE
What?
CREATURE
Meesa scared!
STAN
I see it!
CARTMAN
Come on! Let's kill it!
KYLE
Aw, Cartman! You're supposed to bury
it!
[Jimbo's lodge. This is where Huntin' and Killin' is shot. Inside,
Jimbo is watching TV and Ned, in a short kimono, looks for something.]
ANNOUNCER
Look at this sword. Only on House Shopping
Network. It has a dragon on the blade.
It's got a dragon painted right on
the blade! You should buy the samurai
sw-
JIMBO
Ned, how the hell could you lose your
voice box?! I can't hear you, Ned.
You don't have a trachea. You smoked
too much and you had it removed. And
then you drank too much and you lost
your god-damned voice box, Ned!
NED
Shut... up... Jimbo.
JIMBO
Aw, Ned, don't burp-talk. That just
sicks me out.
STAN
I saw it this way!
KYLE
Over here!
CARTMAN
Come on, you guys!
[the boys reach the lodge]
JIMBO
What the hell's goin' on?!
STAN
Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found a big animal
creature and it ran over that way!
JIMBO
Hold on, I'll get my shotgun! Ned! Ned,
come on! Where did it go?
KYLE
It just ran by here a second ago.
JIMBO
Sounds like it ran into the ostrich
trap! Sshh. Now keep quiet. All right.
I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It
may get startled, so be ready.
CREATURE
Ooba jaaga!
JIMBO
Holy Crow! I've never seen anything
like it!
CREATURE
Meesa gonna die? Wooo-wowoop!
CARTMAN
Heheh. Hey-heh, that thing's funny.
KYLE
It's stupid
JIMBO
Well, let's kill it.
CARTMAN
No! No. Don't.
JIMBO
Huh?
CARTMAN
I like it.
KYLE
You don't like anything, Cartman!
JIMBO
Well, all right. Ned, get the Mayor
on the phone, tell her that we... hoh
yeah, he can't talk. All right, never
mind, I'll do it.
[South Park, the next day]
JIMBO
Yeah, it was like wrestling a Lousiana
alligator, this thing. Put up one hell
of a fight.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello there. Who's the cute baby? Who's
the fuzzy, huh? Yes, that's a cutie.
FED
Mayor, we're from the Department of
Interior.
MAYOR
Ooh, yes. How are you?
DOI 1
Fine, just fine.
DOI 2
Fine, just fine.
DOI 3
Fine.
MAYOR
Right over here.
DOI 2
My God, McClanahan, do you believe it?
CREATURE
Meesa needa Jakov. Dwooooooo!
DOI 1
Mm-it's amazing.
MAYOR
What?
DOI 1
Mayor, this is a jakovasaur. A live
one has never been seen.
MAYOR
Oh, neato.
DOI 2
Incredible. We know of this creature
only from remains frozen in snow.
DOI 1
Do you realize what this means? We could
use its DNA and have a chance of bringing
the entire jakovasaur species back from
extinction.
CARTMAN
Wow! Cool!
NED
Is... there... re... ward... money?
JIMBO
Huh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting!
DOI 2
This one jakovasaur can mother an entire
population of the animals.
WOMAN
Well, in that case, I think we should
name it... Hope.
WOMAN 2
Hope.
MAN
Yes, Hope.
"HOPE"
Meesa name Junjun.
STAN
I think his name is Junjun.
MAYOR
Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful
name!
DOI 1
Now we must find a safe place for it.
MR. GARRISON
I'll keep it at my house.
MAYOR
No, Garrison, you'll just try to have
sex with it!
JUNJUN
Uuh?!
MR. GARRISON
What?! How dare you say that?!
MAYOR
Garrison, you remember what happened
to the wounded pigeon you were supposed
to take care of?!
MR. GARRISON
Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon
was a total slut.
RANCHER
Oh, I got a barn it can stay in. It
ain't much, but it's heated.
DOI 1
Well, that sounds fine, just fine.
DOI 3
Fine, just fine.
DOI 2
Fine.
MR. GARRISON
Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the
air here. We all know that pigeon was
a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't
sleep with that pigeon? Oh, whatever!
But Cartman is at home looking at the House Shopping Network
on TV]
ANNOUNCER
It's got a dragon painted on the blade.
This is the Sumatomi sword-
CARTMAN
Wow, a dragon right on the blade. Mom,
can I get a Sumatomi sword used by the
ancient Tokugawa soldiers??
LIANE
I'll think about it, hon.
CARTMAN
Sweet. Mom, somebody's at the door.
LIANE
Mommy's busy, boopie-kins.
CARTMAN
Should I get it?
LIANE
Go ahead, snookums. It's probably one
of your little friends.
CARTMAN
Okay.
LIANE
Hmmm.
[the knocking continues]
CARTMAN
Okay, okay, hold your horses! God!
Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature!
LIANE
That's nice, muffin.
JAKOVASAUR
Please help me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh. Please
help me find Junjun. She has been gone
since last night, and I'm worried sick.
CARTMAN
You mean the other jakovasaur?
JAKOVASAUR
What means a jakovasaur?
CARTMAN
You're a jakovasaur; that's what they
call you.
JAKOVASAUR
Oh. Cool beans.
CARTMAN
But the other jakovasaur talked different.
JAKOVASAUR
That's 'cause Junjun's a girl. Girls
talk different.
CARTMAN
I have to call my friends over; they're
never gonna believe it.
JAKOVASAUR
Please take me to Junjun. We're the
last of our kind. There are only two
of us left.
[Cartman's room. He's telling his friends what he learned]
CARTMAN
He's the last of his kind, you guys.
There's only two of them left.
KYLE
Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?
CARTMAN
Will you stop with the whole "mom smoking
crack" thing?! It's a old joke!
JAKOVASAUR
Eric, do you have any more cookies?
STAN
Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?
CARTMAN
No, that was a jakovasaur. It's okay
to come in.
STAN
Wow
CARTMAN
Jakov, I want you to meet my friends.
JAKOV
Huhello, guys. I love new friends.
CARTMAN
Hahahahaheh, isn't he funny?
STAN
No, he's annoying.
KYLE
What are we supposed to do with him?
CARTMAN
We have to take him to that rancher's
barn to see his girlfriend.
STAN
Why don't we just tell our parents?
CARTMAN
No! Why don't you wanna to understand?
We have to do this ourselves.
[The rancher's barn, that same night. The boys break into the
barn with Jakov]
STAN
Sshh! Be quit. We could get in big
trouble for being here.
JAKOV
Junjun!
STAN
Sh! Keep quiet, stupid!
JAKOV
Oh, Junjun, I'm so glad you're okay!
KYLE
Dude, have you ever heard of whispering?!
JAKOV
I am whispering! Yyeow!
CARTMAN
Haaahahahah. You're so funny, Jakov.
JAKOV
I am?
STAN
Okay, uh, Jakov, why don't you just
take bunga here and go back to Stark's
Pond?
JAKOV
Oh, I don't know. This place is kinda
nicer than Stark's Pond.
JUNJUN
Aw, we's in big doodoo now.
JAKOV
Uh oh.
[Jimbo's lodge, daytime. Ned is on the phone]
OPERATOR
Hello, and welcome to Voice Box Express,
your #1 source for voice boxes. I'm
Amanda. How may I help you?
NED
Yes... Hello..., um..., I... lost... my... voice...
box...
AMANDA
Excuse me?
NED
I... lost... my... voice... box...
AMANDA
Excuse me?
NED
I... lost... my... voice... box...
JIMBO
Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new
voice box! You want it? You want it?
Yeah! Do you? Yeah! You want it? All
right, here you go. Well, try it out!
NED
Mmm. Aw, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough
for the new voice box. Gmmm, now, what
in the devil is this thing?
JIMBO
Oh, no, I must have picked up the Irish
model by mistake.
NED
Mmm-aw, what a bloody pickle this is!
Did you keep the receipt, then?
MAN
You guys come quick! I've only just
heard!
JIMBO
What? What is it?
MAN
They've found another one! They've found
another jakovasaur!
NED
Gmmm, blimey.
[South Park Square. The Mayor stands on stage with the DOI agents
and the two jakovasaurs as the townsfolk filter in. The boys
stand in front of the steps on the left side of the stage]
MAYOR
Here with more on the status of the
jakovasaurs is Department of Interior
guy.
DOI 1
Thank you, Mayor. The noble jakovasaur
is on the brink of extinction. And now,
you, as a community, have a chance to
bring them back.
CARTMAN
"Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive
honor..."
KYLE
What are you doing, fatass?!
CARTMAN
I'm preparing my speech for when they
call me up to congratulate on me on
my discovery. "Thank you, Mayor, for
this distinctive honor..."
DOI 1
...Hope and Jakov are the last of their
kind. But with the help of the Mayor,
we have implemented a plan to help them
breed. We will give them a home and
a fighting chance at survival.
MAN
Yea for us!
JAKOV
Thank you!
MAYOR
And now, the little boy who first discovered
the jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman!
CARTMAN
Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable
distinction.
MAN 2
Well, that's about it. Let's go.
MAN 3
Yeah.
CARTMAN
You know, there's really only two seasons
here in South Park: Winter, and July,
heh heh heh. But, but um, seriously,
South Park has always been a place of
discovery for me... Ey, you sons of bitches!
Get back here! I'm having a god-damned
distinctive honor!
[The jakovasaurs' new home. Everyone involved in finding and
caring for the jakovasaurs is there]
JAKOV
Wow!! It's so pretty!
DOI 1
Well, Jakov, we hope this new home "inspires"
you and Hope to uh, hm, you know...
JAKOV
What?
DOI 2
Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs,
so, maybe you two should uuh...
JAKOV
What?
DOI 3
Get to some business.
JAKOV
What??
KYLE
They want you to have sex, God-damnit!!
JAKOV
Ooohh.
MAYOR
We'll just leave you two lovebirds
alone.
JAKOV
Well, all right, then.
[The jakovasaurs have no idea what to do, so they don't do anything.
Outside, the boys, the agents, the Mayor, the rancher, and Jimbo
wait for something to happen. Sure enough, things are heard falling
inside. Jakov is heard moaning and yelling as he stumbles around.
Junjun runs out of the house and Jakov stands at the entrance]
JUNJUN
Meesa just don't wanna!
JAKOV
I don't know what to do!
DOI 1
Jakov, to have sex, all you need to
do is, well, you know, put your... Hmmm.
I guess we don't know exactly how jakovasaurs
mate.
DOI 2
There is... another option.
[Mephesto's ranch. The boys, the agents, and the Mayor are present
with the jakovasaurs. Jakov and Junjun are on the examination
table.]
MEPHESTO
I've managed to artificially inseminate
Hope with your semen.
JAKOV
I have seamen? Where's their boat?
Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr!
MEPHESTO
Yes, yes, that's... very funny, Jakov.
I... will need to examine Hope once more
to see if the process worked.
JUNJUN
Oh-wwoooooop! Oh-wwoooooop!
JAKOV
Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr!
STAN
God-damn!
KYLE
Shut up!!
MEPHESTO
Yes! Yes, I think it worked! You are
going to be parents!
DOI 3
Yeah!
DOI 2
We did it!
JAKOV
Now I can be like all the other guys
in South Park!
STAN
Dude, do we really want another one
of these things hanging around?
[The Marsh house. A football game is heard inside. Next, several
men are behind or sitting on the sofa. Seated are Randy, Gerald,
and Stuart, and behind are Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison.
Jakov is seated next to them on a folding chair. Jakov will now
know what it is to be one of the guys.]
COMMENTATOR
...and Bubby Brister is having a great
first quarter! Let's see what trickery
he uses here. Here's the snap, and he's
down-
JAKOV
Thanks for inviting me to watch the
game, guys!
RANDY
No problem, Jakov.
COMMENTATOR
To the 40-yard line!
MEN
Yea!
JAKOV
Go Niners! Ni-ners!
KYLE'S FATHER
We're rooting for the Broncos here,
Jakov!
JAKOV
Oooops!
COMMENTATOR
...to Terrell Davis! He's at the 50, the
40, the 30,...
JAKOV
You guys know what? This one time,
I was watching this rabbit, a a brown
rabbit-
COMMENTATOR
He breaks another tackle, and the ball
is loose!
JAKOV
You guys know what... happened? It touched
Junjum right in front of me.
RANDY
Hey Jakov. Uh, could you run down to
the store and get some more... pretzels?
JAKOV
Sure. You got money?
KYLE'S FATHER
Here- here you go. And and don't go
to the store down the block. The one
four miles away in Fairplay has better
pretzels.
JAKOV
Cool beans. Oopsie. I'll be right
back.
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay.
THE OTHERS
Yyup.
[The house of the jakovasaurs. The boys, the agents, Jimbo, Mephesto,
the Mayor, and Sheila are all present]
DOI 1
Amazing! The gestation period was only
four days.
DOI 2
At that rate, we could repopulate the
jakovasaurs in just a few years.
JUNJUN
Doe-wooop!
DOI 1
Don't worry, Hope. Everything's gonna
be fine, just fine.
DOI 3
Just fine.
DOI 2
Fine.
KYLE
Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing
have a baby.
CARTMAN
If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their
race will become extinct.
KYLE
Maybe their baby will be still-born,
like Cartman was.
CARTMAN
Hey! I might have been still-born, but
at least I got better!
DOI 2
Here we go.
JUNJUN
Doe-woooop!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Behold, the miracle of childbirth!
JUNJUN
Dowoop!
KYLE
Gross!
JUNJUN
Dowoop!
ALL
Hooray!
DOI 3
This is the first step in bringing the
species back from the brink of extinction!
JUNJUN
Dowoooop! Dowoop!
DOI 2
Looks like there might be a second one.
DOI 1
Wow! That would be a great start for
them.
ALL
Hooray!
MAYOR
She's a cannon!
DOI 1
Well. Ap-parently, they breed in litters.
CARTMAN
Aren't they cute, you guys?
STAN
Huh-I'm not so sure this is a good
thing.
JUNJUN
Huh-owhoa-o-woop!
DOI 1
Huh?! Whoa-o-whoa!
[South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Class is now in session.]
MR. GARRISON
Ho-okay, children, we have some new
students joining us today. Let's all
be warm and welcome them to our class.
STAN
Dude, it's crowded in here.
JAKOVASAUR BOY
I like school!
JAKOVASAUR GIRL
Bo-woop!
MR. GARRISON
O-kay, so, we're just gonna stick to
our normal lesson plan and start the
day with history. Now, does anyone
know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles
in 1972? Yes?
JAKOVASAUR BOY
I don't know.
JAKOVASAUR GIRL
Bo-woop!
MR. GARRISON
O-kay, is there anyone who can answer
the question?
JAKOVASAUR KID 1
I can't.
JAKOVASAUR KID 2
Me neither.
MR. GARRISON
Damnit, you don't raise your hand if
you don't know!
JAKOVASAUR KID 2
Oh.
JAKOVASAUR KID 3
O-wowo-oop! O-woo-oop!
JAKOVASAUR KID 4
Ooo! Fight! Fight!
JAKOVASAUR KID 5
School, school! I like school!
JAKOVASAURS
School, school! I like school!
School, school! I like school!
KYLE
Dude, this sucks ass!
CARTMAN
I like going to school now. Jakovasaurs
are so cool.
MR. HAT
This is insane, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON
It sure is, Mr. Hat.
[The bar, that night. Many of the town's adults are inside chatting
away, including the Mayor]
MAYOR
Now, folks, I know we're all a little
worried about the jakovasaurs, and I
want to hear you all out!
MR. GARRISON
Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining
my classroom. I can't teach our kids
anything!
ALL
Yeah!
CHEF
And those jakovasaur eat three times
as much as normal children! I can't
keep up!
ALL
Yeah!
MAN
Totally!
TRASHMAN
And they're creating more trash than
we can handle, too!
MAN
Totally!
ALL
Yeah!
MAN
Listen to her!
MAN 2
And what about little Laura, the Williams
kid? If she doesn't get that heart-valve
operation, she could die. Yeah! Yeah,
that's right!
MAYOR
All right, all right. It's obvious we
have to do something, but we can't just
make them leave.
JIMBO
We just encourage them to find someplace
better.
MAYOR
But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud,
annoying, and stupid. Where would they
fit in?
[The house of the jakovasaurs, next day. The Mayor and others
are talking to Jakov and Junjun]
JAKOV
Memphis?
MAYOR
Yes, Memphis. You jakovasaurs would
love it there.
JAKOV
I don't know. I like South Park a lot.
What do you think, honey?
JUNJUN
G'ooh-woo-ooop!
JAKOV
Yeah.
MAYOR
But everyone in South Park wishes they
could live in Memphis. Right?
JAKOV
Okay, we'll move to Memphis!
SOME MEN
Yea!
OTHERS
Hooray!
CARTMAN
Hey, Jakov, how's it going?
JAKOV
Great, Eric! We're moving.
CARTMAN
Moving?
JAKOV
Me, Jun and the family are heading to
the Promised Land of Memphis.
CARTMAN
You... can't leave. You're my friend.
LIANE
Oh, Eric dear. It's what's best.
JIMBO
Yeah. Let's get that luggage packed!
CARTMAN
Jakov, please don't go. You make everything
in South Park fun. You brought life
to this whole town. It would suck without
you.
JAKOV
It would?
CARTMAN
Yes. These people, Jakov, these people
need you. I need you. Please, Jakov.
Stay?
JAKOV
O-kay. I like South Park best of all.
We're staying!
CARTMAN
Hoo-ray! Jakov is staying, you guys!
[Outside. Everyone leaves the house disappointed]
MAYOR
Now what do we do?
DOI 1
Don't worry, We've come up with a plan.
MAYOR
You have?
DOI 1
Yes. We're leaving.
ALL
What??
DOI 1
We're getting the hell out of here and
away from those God-damned things.
MAYOR
You can't leave.
CARTMAN
Yes. Who would take care of them?
DOI 2
Little boy, we're making you an honorary
Department of Interior person. So now,
you are officially in charge of South
Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority
over all of them.
CARTMAN
I have authoriteh?
DOI 2
That's right. And people must respect
it.
CARTMAN
Well, that should be fine, just fine.
DOI 2
Fine, just fine.
CARTMAN
Fine.
STAN
Oh, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman
with authoritah!
DOI 2
Bye-bye, now.
[The Jakovasaurs' house, later that week.]
ANNOUNCER
And now back to... Jakovasaurs! on Comedy
Central.
JAKOV
Hi, honey! I'm home! Wooooo! Boy,
it was rough at work today. I've never
seen so much coffee.
JUNJUN
Booo-wooop?
JAKOV
No, in the boss's lap.
BOY
Hello, dad.
JAKOV
Hello, son. How was your day?
BOY
Oh, not so good. Something really strange
happened.
JAKOV
What? You mean MTV played a video that
wasn't Will Smith?
BOY
Noho, dad. A man in a blue suit and
a bag came to the door. He just left
this li'l piece of paper with a stamp
on it.
JAKOV
That's called a mailman. He takes care
of mail.
BOY
Oh! He took care of mom, too.
JAKOV
You're a nut! Let me see that letter.
It's from a game show. The Mayor has
invited me to compete.
CARTMAN
Hi, Jakov. What the hell is that?
Who's laughing?
JAKOV
Eric! The Mayor has invited us to compete
on a game show in South Park! Big prizes,
an all-expense paid vacation-
CARTMAN
Wow, that's cool. I can help you get
ready.
JAKOV
Woo, woo!
[While Cartman visits Jakov, the other boys are in the Mayor's
office with several townsfolk. Liane is there, too]
MAYOR
Come onn, come on! Hello!
JAKOV
Mayor? This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow
down the block from-
MAYOR
Yes. Yes, Jakov. You're calling about
the game show. Congratulations! Will
you do it?!
JAKOV
Sure! If a free trip is involved, can
my whole family go?
MAYOR
Of course! That's the point! Just be
ready this afternoon at the public access
building, and good luck! Hope you win!!
JAKOV
Cool beans!!
MAYOR
We've got 'em! All right. The boys here
will keep little Eric Cartman distracted.
Meanwhile, we get rid of the jakovasaurs
and bring some normalcy back to this
town! Ready?
ALL
Break!
[South Park Public Access. The Mayor is hosting her own game
show this afternoon. To her right is Jakov, to her left Officer
Barbrady. Jakovasaurs cheer in the first two rows in the studio
audience. Jimbo approaches Ned]
JIMBO
Hey, Ned! A package came for you today
from Voice Box Express.
NED
Oh... boy..., oh... boy.
MAYOR
Now remember, Barbrady, all you have
to do is lose!
BARBRADY
Right.
MAYOR
Okay. Let's quiet down, people and
jakovasaurs! Now, as you know, the
winner of this little game will get
an all-expense paid trip for himself
and fifty of his closest relatives to
lovely France! And, all one of you
lucky constetants has to do is answer
only one of these questions! Are you
ready, players?
BARBRADY
Ready.
JAKOV
Ready.
MAYOR
Okay. Hands on your buzzers.
JAKOV
Forty-seven!
MAYOR
You have to wait until I ask the question
first.
JAKOV
Sor-ry!
MAYOR
That's okay. Hands on buzzers.
JAKOV
Turkey sandwich!
BARBRADY
Damn, he's quick!
JAKOV
Oh. Sor-ry!
BARBRADY
No, I'm sorry.
JAKOV
No, it's my fault. I'm sorry.
BARBRADY
No, it's all me. Uh, my bad.
JAKOV
Sorry.
BARBRADY
Sorry.
MAYOR
Will somebody please unplug the God-damned
buzzers?!
STAGEHAND
Got it!
MAYOR
Now, can we get on with this? First
question: What color is blue?
BARBRADY
Blue?
MAYOR
What?
BARBRADY
Uh. Blue is blue?
JAKOV
Awww, did I lose?
MAYOR
What? Blue is-? Nono. Hang on. You're
supposed to lose, you idiot!
BARBRADY
Where am I?
MAYOR
Just don't answer any more questions,
got it?
BARBRADY
Okie-dokie.
MAYOR
Sorry, folks, a little mix-up. We're
playing best out of three!
[The woods. Stan and Kyle lead Cartman along. Cartman is in uniform.]
CARTMAN
What are we doing out here, you guys?
I wanna see if Jakov wins that game
show.
STAN
Oh, he'll win. Don't worry.
KYLE
We just have to show you this new species
because you're the Department of Interior
guy now. Soon, they'll all be eaten
by bears.
CARTMAN
Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can
classify this new species. Well, this
should be fine, just fine. Just fine,
fine.
KYLE
There it is! That must be of the antelope
family.
CARTMAN
That's Kenny with branches on his head.
Why did you bring me all the out here,
you guys?
STAN
Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South
Park suck. You have to understand that.
CARTMAN
Well, what does that have to do with
me being all the way out...? Wait a minute.
You're distracting me! That game show
is a fix!
KYLE
Cartman! Wait!
KENNY
(Hey you guys, wait up for me!) (Waaah!)
[South Park Public Access. The game show continues. Barbrady
is ahead 7-0]
MAYOR
What's two plus two, Jakov?
JAKOV
I don't know!
BARBRADY
Four?
MAYOR
Jakov, what is your name?
BARBRADY
Jakov
MAYOR
Oh, screw it. Jakov wins!
JAKOV
I do?
MAYOR
You and your entire family are going
to wonderful and exotic France!
JAKOV
Hooray!
MAYOR
All right, everybody. Let's get them
to the airport! Let's go, people! There's
no time to lose!
[South Park Airport. The jakovasaurs are being whisked into the
plane as quickly as possible]
JAKOV
But what about our clothes? Shouldn't
we pack first?
RANDY
Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov.
JAKOV
Oh yeah. Well, good-bye everybody! We'll
send stuff from France!
CROWD
Good-bye!
JAKOV
Werrr.
CARTMAN
Jakov!
JIMBO
Close the door!
CARTMAN
Open this door!
LIANE
Eric, this is for the best.
CARTMAN
I am Department of Interior guy, and
I have authoritah! No! Jakov, don't
go!
JAKOV
Hi, Eric! Okay, bye, then!
CARTMAN
Well... Fine.
LIANE
Eric, it's important for you to understand-.
CARTMAN
Don't, mother! Just, don't.
MAYOR
I know it's hard, Eric, but I've learned
something today. You see, animal species
come and go. It's all a part of natural
evolution.
JIMBO
The jakovasaurs would have gone extinct
if we hadn't interfered. Because their
particular form of life simply wasn't
practical.
NED
We can't go around saving every form
of life, any more than we can kill them
all. We have to let nature run its course.
JIMBO
Mhmm Ned, that voice box sucks!
NED
I know. I'm still trying to find my
old one.
MAYOR
Well, then. What say we all go get some
ice cream!
CROWD
Hooray!
CARTMAN
No. That's okay. I'll see you guys.
KYLE
Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so
much about something.
STAN
Yeah. I guess he finally found something
that's as annoying as he is.
[The Café Grenouille in Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower in in
the background. An accordionist plays]
WAITER
Bonjour.
WOMAN
Bonjour.
WAITER
Café?
WOMAN
Oui.
JAKOV
Come on, kids! Let's go find some pyramids!
Woops! Aaaah!
MAN
C'est drôle et amusant (That was SO
FUNNY!!)
ACCORDIONIST
(I love its antics!!!)
BLONDE
Il est si comme Jerry Lewis!!! (He's
just like Jerry Lewis!!!)
[End of Jakovasaurs]
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