"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 309
"JEWBILEE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are with Ike at his
changing table in his room.]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Hold still, Ike! We have to get you
dressed! Where the heck is Kyle?
KYLE'S FATHER
I don't kow. Come on, Kyle! You're gonna
be late for Jew Scouts!
[Kyle looks in the bathroom mirror to make sure everything is
set, and hums. Both he and Kyle have little pigtails hanging
from their hair.]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle!
KYLE
I'm coming, Ma!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Go get the door, Kyle!
KYLE
"Get ready," "answer the door," Jesus
Christ, make up your frickin' mind!
[The living room. Kyle walks across to the front door and opens
it]
KYLE
Oh! Hey, Kenny.
KENNY
(Kyle, I'm gonna camp and watch the
meteor shower. Do you wanna come and
see it with me?)
KYLE
I can't watch the meteor shower with
you, Kenny. I have to go to Jewbilee.
KENNY
(What's that?)
KYLE
It's what we do in Jew Scouts. Usually
we just sit around and make stuff. But
tonight, because there's a meteor shower,
we're gonna do some big thing out in
the woods. It's gonna suck ass, I'm
sure.
KENNY
(Oh, that's alright.)
KYLE
Hey! Maybe you can come with me. Then
it won't suck so hard.
KENNY
(Really?)
KYLE
Mom? Can Kenny go to Jewbilee with me?
KYLE'S MOTHER
...Uhwell, Kyle, Jewbilee is sort of a
...special thing.
KYLE
...Oh. Kenny isn't special?
KENNY
(Aw.)
KYLE'S MOTHER
No, no, you're very special, Kenny.
It's just that... well, Jewbilee is... for
Jewish kids.
KYLE'S FATHER
You see boys, Jew Scouts is a special
group that borrows a little bit from
all different Jewish denominations.
From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hasidic
Jews, from the Northern Italy Cave Jews...
But you have to believe the basic tenets
of Judaism to be a Scout.
KYLE
Kenny'll believe whatever you want him
to.
KENNY
(Yeah.)
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, eh, the problem is-
KYLE
Please, Ma. I don't think Kenny has
anywhere else to be tonight.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, all right. Just don't let any of
the elders know that he isn't Jewish,
okay?
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
KYLE'S MOTHER
Come on, Ike! It's time to go to Squirts!
KENNY
(Squirts?)
KYLE'S MOTHER
You have to be in Squirts if you're
too young to be a Jew Scout.
KENNY
(Oh.)
KYLE'S MOTHER
Don't worry, Kenny. I'll fill you in
on our faith on the way up there.
[In the car. The family and Kenny drive south as a full moon
rises. Sheila gives a quick overview of the Old Testament, or
Tanakh]
KYLE'S MOTHER
And then, Kenny, Abraham's wife bore
him no children. She had a handmaid,
an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And
Sarai said unto Abraham, "Behold now,
the Lord hath restrained me from bearing.
I pray thee, go into my maid."
KENNY
(Uh huh.)
KYLE'S MOTHER
Abraham begat Isaac, who the Lord then
said to kill. But that was just a little
silly trick to see if Abraham would
do it.
KENNY
(Uh huh!)
IKE
Eng jeck.
KYLE
No, Ike! Ma, Ike keeps taking off his
Squirt uniform!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Ike, you behave!
IKE
Buwor?
KYLE
No, Ike!
IKE
Buh buh buh buh
KYLE
I don't think Ike wants to go to Squirts.
KYLE'S FATHER
Ike, your brother Kyle was in Squirts,
and so was I. You have to go so someday
you can be a big brave Jew Scout.
IKE
No-o
KYLE'S FATHER
Tell Ike how much fun Squirts is, Kyle.
KYLE
What? You want me to lie?
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah, lie.
KYLE
Oh. Ike, Squirts is so much fun-
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh my God, what is that?!
KYLE'S FATHER
Hey, it's a bear!
KYLE
Wow, cool.
KYLE'S MOTHER
This retreat really is out of the way,
isn't it?
[The Jew Scout camp. The sign on the entrance reads, "WELCOME
TO JEWBILEE." They reach the Jew welcome station]
RANGER
Welcome to Jewbilee. You folks find
it okay?
KYLE'S FATHER
Yeah. Actually, we saw a bear a few
miles back.
KYLE
He was huge.
RANGER
Yeah. We spotted him a few days ago.
Nothing to worry about, though. Your
boys are safe with us.
KYLE'S MOTHER
I'm sure they are.
KYLE'S FATHER
We'llbe back to pick you up after the
meteor shower party, boys.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Good-bye, boys. Kyle and Ike, you be
safe. And Kenny?
KENNY
(Uh huh?)
KYLE'S MOTHER
Try and act Jewish.
KENNY
(How do you do that?)
SQUIRT LEADER
Come on, Squirt! We're meeting over
here!
KYLE
Who are you?
SQUIRT LEADER
I'm the Squirt leader. I don't want
to be the Squirt leader, but I don't
have a choice; it's the only way I can
earn my chutzpah badge. So I gotta spend
all night instructing Squirts.
KYLE
You have to go with him, Ike.
IKE
Buh buh buh buh.
KYLE
Don't worry, Ike. Squirts is fun. And
I'll be right over there in the next
building.
IKE
Boul ball.
SQUIRT LEADER
Come on!
RANGER
Name?
KYLE
Kyle Broflovski.
KENNY
(Kenny McCormick.)
RANGER
What?
KYLE
Uh, Kenny McHeinenberg.
RANGER
Alright, get to Meshuggeneh Hall! The
meeting is already starting.
[On the way to Meshuggeneh Hall. Kenny is curious about the buildings,
naturally.]
KENNY
(What's that?)
KYLE
This is where the elders meet. Nobody
is allowed to go in there when they're
having a meeting.
[The chamber of elders, the meeting. The Chief Elder sits on
a futuristic throne, from which he can look down at the other
elders]
CHIEF ELDER
Baleilah hazein, Hame kadesh mekoh hikenazu
puanazikeh hakeilah. (Now gather us,
the elders, on this most holy of nights.)
ELDRES
Helalelah, het Moshe. (Praise Moses.)
CHIEF ELDER
I want to welcome you all. Though we
each come from a different sect of Judaism,
on this night of Jewbilee, we all pray
to Moses as one. Hineinih kureh leirukeshu.
(May all the power of Moses show the
way) Now, let us all introduce ourselves.
ELDER 1
Elder Carn, from the Orthodox synagogue.
ELDER 2
Elder Harris, from the Hasidic sect.
ELDER 3
Elder Garth, from the synagogue of Anti-Semites.
CHIEF ELDER
I don't believe I've heard of the Anti-Semitic
sect of Judaism before.
ELDER GARTH
We're new.
[Squirt's Lair. Stars of David are everywhere.]
SQUIRT LEADER
Okay, Squirts, the elders have given
us a very important task tonight. We
are all going to make macaroni pictures,
like this one, using dry macaroni,
paper, and glue.
SQUIRT 1
How come we have to make macaroni pictures?
SQUIRT LEADER
Because that's what Squirts do! Now,
shut your pie-hole!
SQUIRT 2
What's your name?
IKE
Nor.
SQUIRT 2
How come your head is lookin' so... funny-looking?
IKE
Uh uh.
[Meshuggeneh Hall, the camp lodge, but inside it looks like a
lecture hall. The banner outside says, "Jew Scouts Meeting Hall"]
ELDER
And that's how we'll be making tonight's
craft. And so you see, Scouts, all you
need is a bar of soap and a dull knife
, and you can make nifty soap sculptures
like these. Here's a giraffe. And here's
a cloud. You can all pick up your bars
of soap later on, as we will all be
making soap sculptures tonight. Now,
this year we are pleased to announce
that Jewbilee has grown to over one
hundred Jew Scouts from all around the
country. All new inductees, raise your
hands.
KYLE
That's you, Kenny. Raise your hand.
ELDER
Uuuuhh, yess, and what is your name,
young man?
INDUCTEE
Junichi.
ELDER
O-oh, wonderful, uh, uh, um. Cuh, Could
you run out and grab some- some of those
candles for us? There we go. Ahem.
Now, I would like all the new inductees
to step forward, please.
KYLE
This part kinda sucks, Kenny, but don't
screw it up.
ELDER
Raise your left hand and repeat after
me: I pleadge to be a Jew Scout.
INDUCTEES
I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
ELDER
My honor, wide and true.
INDUCTEES
My honor, wide and true.
ELDER
I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
INDUCTEES
I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
ELDER
Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
INDUCTEES
Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
ELDER
Lahit chaim.
INDUCTEE 1
Lahit chaim.
ELDER
Lahit chaim.
INDUCTEE 2
Lahit chaim.
ELDER
Lahit chaim.
KENNY
(Lahit chaim.) (Ha, Hiheh haha.) (Hah,
Oh my God!)
[Squirt's Lair. Macaroni projects now due]
SQUIRT LEADER
Okay, Squirts, let's see what you made
macaroni pictures of. Ishmael?
ISHMAEL
Apple.
SQUIRT LEADER
Good. Matthew?
MATTHEW
Cat.
SQUIRT LEADER
Joseph?
JOSEPH
Triangle.
SQUIRT LEADER
Okay. Ike?
IKE
Cokeshen.
SQUIRT LEADER
...You don't make a macaroni picture
of the Last Supper at a Jewish camp!
What the Jeez? Oh my God, it's that
bear they've been talking about! Where
did it go?! Squirts, go grab your gear!
We're gonna hunt us a bear! Then I'll
get my Chutzpah badge for sure!
[The Chamber of Elders]
CHIEF ELDER
Elehem hav dorim, ashoseveh laoleinu.
Hakadosh boruku, omasheh hachreit. (Tonight,
for the meteor shower, we will pray
to Moses. Then we will give Moses thanks.)
ELDER GARTH
Oh, enough already? What has Moses
ever done for us?
CHIEF ELDER
All sects of Judaism follow the words
of Moses.
ELDER GARTH
Not mine. Tonight's meteor shower is
a sign of the New Time, heh. We should
use it to pray to Haman and enter into
a new millennium faith, and ih-
CHIEF ELDER
Enough, elder! You will not speak the
name of Haman here!
ELDER GARTH
All you ever do is worship Moses, but
it says in the Book of Centuries that
Haman will one day lead the Jews.
ELDER HARRIS
We pray to Moses here, elder.
ELDER GARTH
If you guys love Moses so much, why
don't you marry him?!
CHIEF ELDER
We accept all denominations of Judaism
here at Scouts, elder, but your synagogue
of anti-Semites is too strange! Get
out and do not return: you are no longer
welcome here!
ELDER GARTH
Fine! Jewbilee is the time of Haman!
You will all see how wrong you are,
very soon! When Haman returns from the
Ninth Tower of Disillusionment, and
smotes Moses and all his followers into
pillars of dust that would cry for their
petty lives but can't, having recently
been turned into dust and all, you will
see! You will see thie very night!
CHIEF ELDER
Hello!
[The Campfire. The Jew Scouts form a ring around it and sit.
Kyle and Kenny stand behind the chief elder.]
KYLE
Come on, Kenny. You have to get in the
circle.
KENNY
(What the fuck are we doing?)
KYLE
This is where we all stand in a circle
and pray to Moses for guidance during
Jewbilee.
KENNY
(Uheheheheh, that's stupid.)
KYLE
It is not stupid, Kenny! This is my
faith and you shouldn't make fun of
it!
CHIEF ELDER
Alright, Jew Scouts, the meteor shower
will start soon. Let's pray to Moses
for guidance. Moses, great leader,
on this blessed night of Jewbilee, we
ask for your tutelage.
THE SCOUTS
May the teachings of Moses fill our
ears and our hearts respectively.
ALL
O.
ELDER GARTH
Stupid assholes. Moses ain't gonna
teach them anything! Do not fear, Haman.
This night shall be yours, and the anti-Semitic
Jews will once again rule the Earth.
[The Squirts and their leader march through the woods]
SQUIRT LEADER
We are Squirts, we are Squirts. We're
so kosher that it hurts.
When we get older we'll be Scouts, but until then we are Squirts.
MATTHEW
Oh, funt. No!
SQUIRT LEADER
Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, the bear took
a Squirt. Oh, I'm gonna get it now!
[Back at the campfire, the Scouts are trying to summon Moses]
ALL
O.
KENNY
(What's happening now?)
KYLE
Sh. Shut up, Kenny.
KENNY
(WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!)
KYLE
That's Moses, stupid!
CHIEF ELDER
Great Moses, we, your most loyal followers,
want to thank you a lot for coming.
MOSES
The hour of Jewbilee is near. Let all
debts be forgiven and all slaves freed.
Mwaaaaaaaaaah!
ALL
Aaaaaaaaaah!
CHIEF ELDER
Alright Scouts, let's all show Moses
our soap sculptures so that he may rejoice
and be pleased.
KYLE
It's a duck.
[Behind the tree. Garth reads from the Book of Centuries]
ELDER GARTH
And it was foretold that the spirit
of Moses would finally rest when his
spirit was imprisoned by Haman in a
conch shell of blind faith. Conch shell,
like this one, hnee.
[The Campfire.]
CHIEF ELDER
Moses, the Squirts have made you tidings
of macaroni pictures. They should be
here any second. Where the hell are
the Squirts? We need those macaroni
pictures for Moses right now!
[The woods. The Squirt leader is setting a trap for the bear.
He places some bait on a tray swinging from a rope as the Squirts
hold the rope steady from behind a bush. Then he pours some DED
RAT grains onto the bait]
SQUIRT LEADER
Now, we'll just see how Mr. Bear likes
rat poison. Well now, that'll be enough
to kill a stupid bear. Okay, raise the
tray! Chutzpah badge, here I come.
Yikes! Okay, here he comes. Easy now.
Easy, Squirts. Okay, Squirt, lower
the tray. That's it. That's it, you
God-damned stupid bearface!
SQUIRT
Aaah! Ah! AAAAH!
SQUIRT LEADER
Jesus! Hell, he got another Squirt!
IKE
Mommy.
SQUIRT LEADER
You think you can stop me from getting
my Chutzpah badge, you stupid bear?!
Think again!
[The Campfire. The Scouts now sing "Kumbaya," a spiritual]
ALL
Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. O Lord, Kumbaya.
CHIEF ELDER
Great and honorable Moses, what do you
desire from us, your children?
MOSES
I desire... I desire... mamaroni pictures.
CHIEF ELDER
Yeh yes, yes, the macaroni pictures
are coming right away. Uh, anything
else you want from us, O great leader
of the people?
MOSES
I desire... popcorn necklaces.
CHIEF ELDER
You heard him. Get to making popcorn
necklaces right away! All you need
is some popcorn, and a needle and thread.
MOSES
Hold! There is... an impurity.
GARTH
Oh no, he's on to me, Haman.
CHIEF ELDER
An impurity, Moses?
MOSES
This child here is not kosher.
KENNY
(Uh oh.) (Help me, Kyle! What are we
gonna do?)
KYLE
Don't worry. I know what to do.
CHIEF ELDER
Scout Broflovski, have you defiled Jew
Scouts by bringing a non-Hebrew to Jewbilee?!
KYLE
Elder, It's not my fault. He told me
he was Jewish.
KENNY
(What?!)
CHIEF ELDER
A non-Jew has inflitrated Jew Scouts
and looked upon the face of Moses! He
must be dealt with!
KENNY
(I'm telling you, it's Kyle you want.
He's the one who tried to get me in
here, and you know it.)
CHIEF ELDER
You are banished from here. You must
leave before the great eating of carrot
cake.
KENNY
(What?!)
KYLE
He doesn't get cake??
MOSES
No cake for the impurity!
CHIEF ELDER
Go now. You do not belong here.
MOSES
Aaaaaaaah!
ELDER GARTH
Infatu camdavid. David hakum ba'ikan
shtud!
CHIEF ELDER
: Elder, what are you doing?!
ELDER GARTH
Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht!
ELDER HARRIS
He's reading from the Book of Haman!
ELDER GARTH
Enter the conch shell, Moses!
MOSES
Eo! Eh! Diu!
ELDER GARTH
And there you shall stay, trapped for
all eternity!
CHIEF ELDER
Elder, what have you done?
ELDER GARTH
I told you, the meteor shower is the
time of Haman! I am running Jewbilee
now!
ELDER
Release Moses, now!
ELDER GARTH
I don't think so!
SCOUT
When do we get to eat carrot cake?
ELDER GARTH
Now. All of you into that building,
or I shoot you where you stand!
CHIEF ELDER
Elder, you cannot mean-.
ELDER GARTH
Move!
Now! Now, Haman, your time has come!
KYLE
Dude, what the hell is going on?!
CHIEF ELDER
If he summons Haman, we will all be
destroyed.
KENNY
(Oh no!)
[The woods. The Squirts still march]
SQUIRT LEADER
We are Jew Squirts, we know Jewish
Stick stick smiley smiley Stick stick smiley smiley
dur dur dur dur dur-
Hold it, Squirts! This is where we'll set our trap. Everyone
remember your squadron. Alpha-5 and Gamma-7 will be on recon
teams. Alpha will take left flank and flush the bear out of sector
three. Once we're in position, I want constant contact between
all squad leaders. We'll flush him out and we'll attack him!
[the bear comes up silently and snatches another Squirt]
SQUIRT
Ah! Aaaah!
SQUIRT LEADER
Remember, this is only a bear. All
we have to do is stick together, and
we can spend the rest of the night making
bear sandwiches! Where's Zigmo?
IKE
Noh.
SQUIRT LEADER
God-damnit! You stupid God-damned son
of a bear, you've taken your last Squirt!
Do you hear me?!
[The Campire. Elder Garth is kneeling before it, summoning Haman.]
ELDER GARTH
And the Ancient One looked upon Haman
as the new leader of the people! And
it was the night that stars flew around
the sky! Yes! Yess!!
CHIEF ELDER
If he summons Haman, it will be the
end of everything we hold dear.
SCOUT
I wanna go home.
[The road. Kenny walks along the curb, then sees reflections
of headlights in front of him. He turns to see a car coming and
tries to stop it]
KENNY
(Stop!) (Officer Barbrady, I really
need to talk to you!) (Shit!)
[The woods. The Squirt leader takes the Squirts back to camp.]
SQUIRT LEADER
That bear thinks he can outsmart me!
Well, I'm not gonna let a stupid bear
get the- Hold! Look over there! It's
one of the Squirts the bear took. Maybe
he's okay. IT'S A TRAP!! Damn! Damn
damn damn! Okay, bear, that does it!
You wanna kill all the Squirts?! You
can have 'em! I give up! I don't need
my Chutzpah badge, or Jew Scouts, or
any of this crap! Forget it!
[The campfire. The meteor shower continues]
ELDER GARTH
Let the New Tide turn! Let Haman rule
his people once again!
CHIEF ELDER
No!
ELDER GARTH
We await your return, Haman! Your passage
is safe from the enemies!
KENNY
(Ah!)
[The building. The chief elder tries to burst through the door,
but fails]
CHIEF ELDER
It's hopeless.
ELDER
Haman will be summoned and we will be
forced to obey him, or die.
ELDER HARRIS
Uh I'm fine with obeying.
ELDER
Yeah, obeying should work out swell.
KYLE
Don't worry, you guys. He forgot about
Kenny. Kenny will help us.
ELDER 2
How?
KYLE
Kenny will find a way.
[The bear cave. The bear brings Kenny in.]
KENNY
(Haaarrrrrh!) (Huh?)
SQUIRT
Hey, welcome to the party. See this
li'l bear cub? It's his birthday.
SQUIRT 2
Yeah, so his mommy brought us all over
to play with him.
BEAR CUB
Mrar.
KENNY
(Aw.) (Okay, you guys, we've gotta
get back to the camp and ...)
SQUIRT
They are? Uh oh.
KENNY
(Come on, Squirts, we gotta run! We're
already God-damned late!)
SQUIRT
Come on, Squirts. We have to help them.
ALL
Yeah!
[The camp. The Squirt leader returns alone]
SQUIRT LEADER
Elder Schwartz, I lost the Squirts!
I lost all the Squirts! Well, screw
you too! I don't need your Chutzpah
badge anyway! Hello?
Elder Schwartz [the chief elder] Shlomo, get us out of here!
SHLOMO
What the Jeez? What are you guys doing
in there?
Elder Schwartz Get the keys and unlock the door! [the Scouts
jump up and down]
SCHLOMO
What?!
ELDER SCHWARTZ
Get the keys and unlock the door!
SCHLOMO
I lost the Squirts!
ELDER SCHWARTZ
Look out!
SCHLOMO
Huh?
ELDER GARTH
Don't move!
SCHLOMO
Oh, Jiminy gravy, what is this??
ELDER GARTH
It's the summoning of Haman, fool! The
awakening of a new kingdom, heeheh!
SCHLOMO
You can't wake Haman. What would Moses
say?
ELDER GARTH
Moses is trapped for all eternity in
the conch of blind faith!
SCHLOMO
Oh, no you don't! OOWW!!
ELDER GARTH
Enough of this waste of time! Haman!
The Great Summoning is done! Upon these
words let your spirit come! Einich!
Hos!
ELDER SCHWARTZ
It is lost.
ELDER GARTH
Zayak. Kareem!
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
ELDER GARTH
Hey, give that back!
ELDER SCHWARTZ
It's the Squirts.
KYLE
Go, Ike!
ELDER SCHWARTZ
Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys are
up there.
ELDER HARRIS
They'll never reach.
SQUIRT
Squirts, fall in. Chinese formation.
[The woods. Elder Garth catches up to Kenny]
ELDER GARTH
Give me that book!
KENNY
(Ow!)
ELDER GARTH
Haman will deal with you!
KENNY
(Ow!)
[The camp. The Squirts have finished the pillar, with Ike at
the very top. Ike gets the key and the pillar falls apart to
form two rows of four Squirts each, and Ike alone at the top
of the steps. He jumps up to the padlock and unlocks it. He then
removes the lock. The door opens and everyone inside pours out.
Elder Harris moves out into the open]
ELDER HARRIS
Oh, no. It's too late!
ELDER GARTH
Ramek shtud!
KYLE
What is that?
ELDER SCHWARTZ
It is Haman.
ELDER GARTH
Yes! Yes!
HAMAN
Free! Free to punish those that imprisoned
me!
ELDER GARTH
Haman! It's me, Garth! I freed you!
KYLE
Look!
KENNY
(It's okay, I'll use my head!)
KYLE
Kenny! Noooooo!
KENNY
(Heeeeeyah! Ugh!)
HAMAN
Moses! Nooo!
ELDER GARTH
Nooo! Eheh. Nooo! Moses. Uh I, I apologize
for any inconvenience, eheh. Uh yuh
you see, I was just uh-
MOSES
Die!
ELDER GARTH
No! Aaaaaah! Ooww!
ALL
Hooray!
KYLE
Kenny!
ELDER HARRIS
That blow to his head must have killed
him.
ELDER CARN
He saved us. He saved all the Jews.
KYLE
You know, I think we all learned something
today. It's fine to have your own beliefs
and your own traditions, but as soon
as you start excluding people from your
ways, only because of their race, you
become separatists. And being a separatist
sucks ass.
ELDER HARRIS
We've learned a lot from you and your
great friend, Kenny.
MOSES
Every year we shall gather here in
this special place and bring Kenny tidings
of soap sculptures and macaroni pictures.
ELDER HARRIS
Yes.
MOSES
And those little shaker things where...
you put beans inside of paper plates
that are glued together.
ELDER HARRIS
Paper-plate bean shakers.
MOSES
And let us put patterns of glue on the
outside of those paper plates so we
can then pour glitter on them so they
can look nice and sparkly.
ELDER SCHWARTZ
You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to
work!
[End of Jewbilee]
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