"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 509
"OSAMA BIN LADEN HAS FARTY PANTS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Bus stop, day. The four boys stand at the bus stop waiting for
the bus. Each of them wears a gas mask. The boys are silent.]
KYLE
: ...Remember when life used to be simple
and cool?
CARTMAN
...Not really.
BUTTERS
Uh, hey! How's it goin', fellas?
STAN
: Butters, what the hell are you doing?
BUTTERS
Huh, well, I'm just standin' around
bein' a kid. Why? How come you're all
wearing those spooky spaceman masks?
KYLE
These are gas masks, Butters!
STAN
Yeah! If you don't have a gas mask,
you're gonna get smallpox or anthrax!
BUTTERS
What?! Oh, Jesus! I don't wanna get
the 'thrax, fellas! Uh, what do I do?
STAN
There's nothing you can do except stop
breathing.
BUTTERS
Stop breathin'?
KYLE
Yeah, you can't get it if you don't
breathe.
BUTTERS
Well. Alright, then.
OFFICER BARBRADY
Well okay. Next? Next? Let's see:
Hotties, Juicy, Whoppers... Okay, next?
A-ha! What the hell are you doin' with
this?!
CARTMAN
Those are my Hootie Owlie Round-Tip
Scissors.
OFFICER BARBRADY
These are a weapon!
CARTMAN
Awww, come onnn! How am I gonna kill
people with those?
OFFICER BARBRADY
I'll think of a way. Now move along!
CARTMAN
God-damnit!
OFFICER BARBRADY
Alright, next! Okay, clear.
[South Park Elenentary, morning. Along with the regular flag
on the flagpole, a larger flag is draped over the front of the
school, covering some second-story windows and the center of
the school sign. Inside, the kids filter into class and drop
off their gas masks along the wall. The door has been fitted
with an industrial lock. Butters enters and locks the door]
TWEEK
Oh, Jesus, man! They're gonna get me!
Oh Christ! they might - couild get
me.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright class, as some of you may have
heard, the President has asked that
American children all send one dollar
to the children of Afghanistan. So
I have a list of addresses and we're
goin' to all chip in.
CARTMAN
HA! I'm not giving a dollar to those
towelheads!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Eric, the Afghan people need our help!
CARTMAN
Oh, I'm sorry, but I though we were
at war with these assholes!
WENDY
We're at war with terrorists, fatass,
not with Afghanistan, and the only reason
that you care is that you don't wanna
give up the dollar!
CARTMAN
That dollar buys me a chocolate milk
for lunch! What, do you want me to just
get a regular milk for ten cents? Now
look, it isn't our fault that terrorists
hate us. We're just kids. We're not
the ones bombing them now, we're- we're
jsut kids. There's a lot of crazy stuff
goin' on in the world, but, we're caught
in the middle. It's not our fault.
WENDY
The Afghan kids are caught in the middle,
too!
CARTMAN
Yes, but they're sand monkeys!
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Alright, children, we are all sending
a dollar to the kids in Afghanistan!
That's it! End of discussion!
CARTMAN
God-damnit, I hate regular milk!!!
[Afghanistan, day. Adults mill around as fighter planes fly by
and bomb a few buildings. Two boys enter from the left and face
the camera. They begin to talk in a strange language. Two other
boys appear, and it's apparent these boys are the counterparts
to the boys in South Park. The one who looks overdressed has
a goat. After what sounds like introductions, they move off to
play some basketball at a nearby makeshift ball court. The boy
who was the first to speak gives the ball to his friend, the
second to speak. The friend shoots the basket, but a bomb falls
on the backboard, launching the ball away from the court and
destroying the backboard and pole]
AFGHAN BOYS
: Awww!
[the Kyle counterpart says something about seeing a film, then
the four move off to their right. They pay for their tickets
and head for the doors. A bomb falls on the theater and blows
it up]
Awww!
[the Stan and Kyle counterparts talk to each other a bit, then
head for a two-story building. They stop at the front door and
a fighter plane drops a bomb on the building. Only the door remains]
Awww!
[The Marsh house, day. The garage has a large flag draping the
door. Inside, on the living room couch. Sharon is lying there
covered with blankets and watching TV. On the floor around the
sofa are bowls, candles, food, and other items. Sharon hasn't
been off that couch in a while.]
REPORTER
Another high-alert status for terrorists
activity this weekend. The government
said "bad things are likely to happen."
Meanwhile, the world continues to back
down from their support of the United
States saying that they were really
only kidding to begin with.
STAN
Hey Mom, door bell's ringin'.
SHARON
Can huh get th'ere 'or me?
RANDY
Hey, Sharon? Maybe you should stop
watchin' the news for a little bit?
Shu- Sharon, you've been watching CNN
for about ah... eight weeks now. Don't
you wanna watch somethin' else? Shu-shu-sharon?
STAN
Hey, look at what the postman brought
me! It's a big brown package from Afghanistan!
SHARON
Weh, that's nahice.
STAN
We sent the Afghani kids some dollars
- they must have sent us something cool
in return! Do you have some scissors
to get this open?
RANDY
Stanely, your mother's a little freaked
out right now. Why don't you go play
with your big brown package from Afghanistan
outside?
STAN
: Well alright.
RANDY, SHARON
Big brown package from Afghanistan??!!
[The Marsh house, night. Paramedics, fire trucks, the SWAT team,
and the FBI are all there. Two klieg lights shine on the package
as two Hazmat men approach the package. A crowd of residents
looks on. Stan, Cartman and Kenny watch from the front.]
KYLE
Dude, what's going on?
STAN
We got a package from the kids we sent
dollars to. They sent us something back.
HAZMAT MAN
Prelims show negative, sir.
OFFICIAL
Then we're gonna have to blow it!
TWO SWAT MEN
Yes sir!!
TWEEK
AAHH! This is it, man! It's over!
RICHARD
Tweek, calm down. Have some coffee.
OFFICIAL
Open!
GOAT
Mma-a-a-a-a-a-a.
STAN
Oh, it's just a goat.
PEOPLE
Oohhh.
BLOND MAN
Look, it's a goat.
MAN 1
Awww.
BRUNET MAN
A precious goat.
GOAT
Ba-a-a-a-a.
STAN
Hey there, little guy.
OFFICIAL
Stay away from it! Terrorists could
have given that goat anthrax or smallpox
before sending it over! Johnson!! Check
the goat for diseases!
JOHNSON
Yes sir! The goat seems to be clean,
sir!
STAN
I told you: those Afghan kids just wanted
to give us something back for giving
them four dollars.
CARTMAN
Heh, four dollars for a goat? We got
ripped off.
OFFICIAL
Alrioght, men, this area is secure.
Let's head out!
KYLE
Well what are we supposed to do with
it?
GOAT
Ba-a-a-a-a.
STAN
: Yu- you're gonna have to take it home
with you, Kyle.
KYLE
Dude, my mom won't even let me have
a hamster.
STAN
Kenny?
KENNY
(No fuckin' way, dude!)
STAN
My parents will never let me keep a
goat
CARTMAN
Well, I guess we're gonna have to kill
it.
STAN
No, we're not gointa kill it, Cartman!
We'll just have to take the return
address and mail it back to the kids
in Afghanistan. Come on, goat.
GOAT
Ba-a-a-a-a.
[Downtown South Park, night. All building windows have flags
draped behind them, and some of the walls have flags on them
as well. The post office hs two flags on wall-mounted poles.
The last postal worker closes up for the night as the boys approach]
KYLE
Uh oh, they're closing!
STAN
Excuse me, we wanna overnight this goat
to Afghanistan, please?
POSTMAN
Excuse me?
CARTMAN
It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't
stay here, or else it'll choke on the
sweet air of freedom.
KYLE
Yeah.
POSTMAN
Afghanistan? H-I'm sorry boys, but
our planes aren't flying there.
STAN
They're not.
GOAT
Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a.
POSTMAN
The only planes goin' to Afghanistan
are the military planes over at the
base. I'm sorry.
STAN
Well yeah! The military planes. Come
on, goat, we'll put you on one of them.
KYLE
Stan, I don't think we're supposed
to be in the military base. They might
shoot us.
STAN
I don't care! We're going!
TOWELIE
Don't forget to bring a towel.
THE BOYS
Aaagh!
CARTMAN
Oh no, not Towelie.
TOWELIE
When goin' someplace new, you should
always bring a towel.
STAN
Okay, thanks, Towelie.
TOWELIE
Do you wanna get high?
CARTMAN
No, we don't wanna get high!!
TOWELIE
You mean, you don't want Towelie around?
CARTMAN
That's right!
TOWELIE
So am I to understand that there's been
a ...Towelie ban?...
THE BOYS
Awww!
STAN
Goddamnit, get the hell out of here,
Towelie!
TOWELIE
Alright, see ya.
[The military base, night. Jeeps roll in as a batallion is assembled
in the parking lot. A large cargo plane receives the vehicles
and other cargo]
GENERAL
Alright, troops, we depart for Afghanistan
in five minutes! Let's move out!
STAN
Alright, come on. We just gotta get
the goat on one of these planes.
SOLDIER 1
Isn't this exciting, Tony? We're finally
gonna see some action.
TONY
Yeah, and uh, I hear that as soon as
we land we get a USO show.
SOLDIER 1
We do! Stevie Nicks is goin' to perform.
TONY
Hoh, Stevie Nicks. Huh, I love her!
STAN
Okay, it's clear. Come on!
SOLDIER
Hey you!
TONY
What the hell do you think you're doing
here?!
GOAT
...Ba-a-a-a-a.
TONY
H-uh, I'm sorry, Miss Nicks, uh. Hey
guys, this is Stevie Nicks.
SOLDIER 2
Oh wow!
GOAT
...Ma-a-a-a-a.
SOLDIER 3
Uh, can I get a picture
SOLDIER 4
Miss Nicks. Over here, Miss Nicks!
GOAT
...Ma-a-a-a-a.
TONY
Oh... M- Miss Nicks, I... I don't wanna
bother you, but... could you sing a
quick Fleetwood Mac for us. Could ya?
OTHER SOLDIERS
Oh yeah. Please. Come on, come on. Please.
Yeah.
GOAT
...Ma-a-a-a-a. Ma-a-a-a-a.
SOLDIERS
Oh! No way! That was wild! That was
great!
SOLDIER 3
Wait till I tell my sister about this;
she is gonna flip!
STAN
Well, uh, we've gotta get Miss Nicks
on the plane to Afghanistan, guys.
TONY
Oh, can we just get a-
STAN
Ah, sorry. Mss Nicks isn't answering
any more questions.
TONY
Oh, sure, we understand. Move along.
SOLDIER 3
...She looks great
TONY
She looks great
[Cargo plane, later. The boys walk up to the plane with the goat
and prepare to put in in the cargo hold. A side door is open,
with a ramp leading up to the hold]
STAN
'K, let's put him on here.
GOAT
Ma-a-a-a-a.
STAN
Shhh. There we go. You're gonna be
okay, goat. You'll be back in Afghanistan
in about 20 hours.
CARTMAN
Stan, if you're finished having your
tearful goodbye with the goat, we'd
like to go now, please?
PILOT
Alright, tango clear.
THE BOYS
Waaah!
PILOT
Let's head out.
CARTMAN
Aw, son of a bitch!
KYLE
Hey, wait! There are children in here!
KENNY
(Oh, shit, we're locked in.)
GOAT
Ma-a-a-a-a.
STAN
Dude, looks like we're going tooh...
Afghanistan.
KYLE
Going to Afghanistan? Locked in a small
space for 20 hours? How could things
get any worse?
BOYS
Awww!
KENNY
(Ee-hew-hoo!)
CARTMAN
Uh ho, you guys.
[Afghanistan, next day. A cargo plane has landed and the camera
pans from the plane to the runway behind it. Another cargo plane
lands and rolls to a stop. The large cargo door drops down and
the soldiers file out marching]
GENERAL
Welcome to Afghanistan, troops! Get
your gear ready and report to the barracks
at o-nine hundred!
SOLDIERS
Sir yes sir!
KYLE
Oh God, it was horrible!
STAN
Twenty hours!
KENNY
(God-damn, it stinks like shit!)
GOAT
Ma-a-a-a-a!
PILOT
What the hell?
KYLE
Cartman farted in there! We had to breath
it in for 20 hours!
CARTMAN
It didn't smell that bad; you guys are
overreacting.
PILOT
I don't smiell any- boh! Oh God! Hohhgh!
Blagh! Bleeaagghh
CARTMAN
Uh, whatever!
KYLE
You sonofabitch, Cartman! You don't
fart when you're locked in a small space
with other people!
CARTMAN
Oh, I'm sorry! Next time I'll just ask
my fart nicely if it wouldn't mind staying
tucked away for a while!
STAN
Alright alright, let's just get the
goat back to his home! We have to find
this address.
GOAT
Ma-a-a-a-a.
[A large city in Afghanistan, day. Could be Kabul. Plenty of
large building and roads abound, but they all look rundown or
beat down - this is a city in decay. The boys walk through the
city]
CARTMAN
God, what a craphole, dude! This is
like East Denver! Jesus Chru-heist!
KYLE
Dude, no wonder terrorists come from
places like this! If I grew up here,
I'd be pissed off, too!
STAN
Hey look! There's a taxi!
PERFORMER
Haa-aa-aa.
STAN
Hello. We need to go... here.
CARTMAN
What is this? The freakin' Flintstones?
[The home of the Afghan boys. The taxi pulls up and drops the
South Park boys off, then goes away. The boys approach the door]
KYLE
Is this the right house?
STAN
I think so.
AKMARH
Shomot chizimi frushi?
STAN
A-ah, hi. We're from America. Uh, we
sent you the dollar? Uh, the four dollars?
Yu, you sent us this goat?
AKMARH
Goat?
GOAT
Ma-a-a-a-a.
STAN
Here. Wu-we don't want it.
AKMARH
Oh, you want something alse? All we
had was the goat. Your country bombed
everything else.
STAN
No, dude, we're n- we're not ungrateful.
It's just... none of us can keep the
goat
CARTMAN
It was choking on the sweet air of freedom
in America, so we brought it back to
your crappy country.
STAN
Oh uh, and here. Take this American
flag as... a gift.
AFGHAN BOYS
Yaaay.
KYLE
Hey! What the hell are you doing?!
STAN
Yeah, they told us in school that everyone
but terrorists love America.
FAT BOY
Huh!
CARTMAN
What did you call us?!
AKMARH
Your country is the evil empire! Your
government wants to rule the world!
But your values and your spirituality
are in the guh-ter!
KYLE
Then why did you send us the goat?
BOY IN BLUE VEST
Because, in Afghanistan, we have pride.
If you send us something, we must send
something in return.
AKMARH
It doesn't mean we don't still hate
you. Now, get out of here!
STAN
Hey! Hey, open the door!
CARTMAN
I told you! Jawas have no heart.
KYLE
Jawas?
CARTMAN
You know, sand people.
STAN
How come they hate America so much?
What the hell did we do?
GOAT
Ma-a-a-a-a.
KYLE
Well, we tried, dude. If anyone else
in this craphole hates Americans, we'd
better just leave the goat and get back
to the plane!
STAN
Alright. Oh look, he's following us.
It's so sad.
CARTMAN
God, I hate you so much, Stan!
STAN
What? Howdy.
KYLE
Um... Greetings from Canada. Well
boys, it's aboot time we get to our
hoose in Canada, isn't it?
CARTMAN
Ey, what the hell are you talking about?!
I'm not a god-damned Canadian, and
neither are you!
STAN
Cartman, you stupid asshole!
PROTESTER
...Osama bin Laden!
KYLE
Good job, fatass!
CARTMAN
Dude, don't call me a Canadian!
[A cave in Afghanistan, day. "Not where Osama bin Laden is."
Guards stand outside keeping watch. Inside, six guards interrogate
the boys]
STAN
You've gotta listen to me! We're not
spies!
CARTMAN
Look, I think I can explain everything.
You see, my friend Stan here is an oversensitive
animal lover. He's got a boner for this
goat, a-
VOICE
Amaar madmallah
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Oooo, alamalamalamalaah.
KYLE
Oh crap, it's him!
GOAT
Ma-a-a-a-a.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Amalama hamahamahama? Una HAqa mala
CARTMAN
Ogh! Dude, it's called deodorant, okay?
It's not expensive.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Haqaama hamahalahamahaqa. U bataqataqaa
maladala. Ameriqa la tabakabaka haka
haqadaqadaqa Haqahaqa, daaqadaqa!
CAMERAMAN
Aaaaand... cut!
STAN
Dude, these people are insane.
[The Marsh house, night. Sharon has resumed watching SNN on the
sofa]
SNN REPORTER
...as more and more case of terrorist-related
AIDS continues to grow. And this just
in: the Taliban has apparently taken
American civilians as hostages. The
Taliban has just released this videotape
, in which it is clearly visible that
they have indeed captured Steivie Nicks.
Miss Nicks appears to be in good spirits,
though her whereabouts are unknown.
RANDY
Hey, Sh- Sharon? Ha- have you seen
Stan in the last couple... days?
SHARON
Yes. I just saw him.
RANDY
Oh okay.
[Afghanistan, day. The general and his troops are watching the
same report]
SNN REPORTER
With Stevie Nicks in captivity, the
other members of Fleetwood Mac have
been hidden so the Taliban can't get
to them as well.
TONY
They... took Stevie Nicks?
SOLDIER 2
Bastards! Heartless, gutless bastards!
GENERAL
Alright men! Grab your guns and your
Bibles! We are going to get Miss Nicks
back!
SOLDIERS
Hooray!!!
[The Afghan boys' home, at that moment]
SNN REPORTER
: The Taliban's video also shows what
appears to be four American children
in captivity, though they could just
be French.
AKMARH
We have to help them.
FAT BOY
Do you say??
AKMARH
They are not espies. They came to give
us our goat back.
BOY IN BLUE VEST
Screw them! They are evil Americans!
AKMARH
I know! But if we don't help the innocent
ones, then we are no better than the
Americans are.
FAT BOY
Help the Americans? That doesn't make
sense.
AKMARH
Dude, we are espeaking English right
now. Does that make sense??
BOY IN BLUE VEST
: Alright, let's go.
FAT BOY
Ehhh lohhh nuts!
[Osama's cave, day. Inside, at table, the Taliban guards are
celebrating Osama's birthday. The guards and Osama wear party
hats]
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Aw, jihad, jihad. Oh? Oh, oh! Ameriqa
haqa haqa! Dursha! Dapadapadapa! Hulagugla
hugagugahagahaa!
[Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces engage
each other in combat.]
[Inside Osama's cave. Osama is still giving orders]
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Qubada durqaana Ameriqanab! Qubada durqaana-
STAN
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
OSAMA BIN LADEN
-alabalabaa
BOY IN BLUE VEST
Shh. We've come to save you.
KYLE
But I thought you hate us.
BOY IN BLUE VEST
We do.
KYLE
Cartman, where are you going??
CARTMAN
I'm gonna go take care of this prick!
KYLE
Cartman, he's crazy!
CARTMAN
He's not crazy, he's an idiot. I know
how to deal with these people.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
.A flippity flappity floop! Jihad jihad!
CARTMAN
Mehah... What's up, bin Laden?
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Arrrrrrrrrrrubadubaduba! Durbadurba
haq!
CARTMAN
Uh oh, 5:30, time to pray. Allah, Allah,
m'heh
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Taba haqa?? Allah allah allah, allah
hakadurrpa durpa adurpa hagalah
CARTMAN
Uh oh! Mmm-mm!
[Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces are
still fighting. The seven kids and the goat emerge from the cave]
AKMARH
We will have to be quick! The Americans
are attacking!
KYLE
Where do we go?
AKMARH
Get down!
BOY IN BLUE VEST
Oh Allah, Qosaiqe bono!
AKMARH
Tol dayoos! You... murdering Americaaans!!
STAN
Hey, shut up, kid. America didn't start
this war.
AKMARH
America DID eh-start this war! They
eh-started it YEARS ago, when they put
their military bases on Muslim holy
lands!
[A forest near the cave, at that moment. Osama bin Laden slinks
around looking for Cartman. He stops next to a small bush. As
bin Laden looks around the bush skittles away, then stops. Bin
Laden sees the bush has moved and growls at it, aims his rifle,
and walks up to it - four steps. The bush moves again, then stops.
Bin Laden catches up in three steps. The bush moves again, then
bin Laden tales a step forward. The bush moves again, then bin
Laden tales another step forward. The bush leaps and bin Laden
holds it in mid-air as Cartman drops to the ground. We get a
view of the gun on Cartman's face from Cartman's perspective]
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Ramadan!
CARTMAN
Hey look! An infidel!
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Wuut? Peitoqaba!
CARTMAN
So that's what this is all about?
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Ishta fatwa open sesame!
CARTMAN
Mmmm! Tastes like chicken. The ass
of a chicken!
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Proila foqabam!
CARTMAN
Woohoo!
[Outside Osama's cave, day. The fighting continues. Amid the
fighting, the general crosses the battlefield.]
GENERAL
We're coming, Miss Nicks! Hang on!
GOAT
Ma-a-a-a! Ma-a-a-a!
[Outside Osama's cave, day. The South Park boys line up opposite
the Afghan boys. Stan faces Akmarh, Kyle faces the boy in blue
vest.]
KYLE
All right, I've had just about enough
of this! They told us in school, and
on TV, that most people in Pakistan
and Afghanistan like America.
BOY IN BLUE VEST
And you believe it? It is not just the
Taliban that hates America. Over a third
of the world hates America!
STAN
But why? Why does a third of the world
hate us?
BOY IN BLUE VEST
Because, you don't realize that a third
of the world hates you!!!
STAN
: ...That doesn't make sense. You guys
are just buttholes!
AKMARH
You're butt-holes!
STAN, KYLE
You're buttholes!
[Outside Osama's cave, day. Osama and Cartman are now out in
the open desert. Osama resumes slinking around]
FEMALE VOICE
Youhoo.
[it's Cartman seated on a camel, dressed in a purple chador.
Bin laden takes one look and he goes nuts over what he sees.
His eyes bug out as he goes horizontal ]
CARTMAN
Haduqaduqaduqa. Huqadukadukadukaduuu.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Oh bella, bella falafel.
Mi amore. Fatwa, fatwa. [Cartman holds up a sign with a screw
and a baseball on it, then puts it away. Bin Laden hops away,
then returns with a table, two chairs, two glasses and some wine,
and sets up a table for two. He sets the camel down on one chair
and sits on the other one opposite the camel. He then serves
up some glasses of wine]
[Outside Osama's cave, day. The boys have moved away from the
cave entrance, and the fat Afghan boy has rejoined them. Beyond
them the two forces continue fighting]
KYLE
Do you really think your civilization
is better than ours?! You people play
games by killing animals, and oppress
women!
BOY IN BLUE VEST
It's better than a civilization that
spends its time watching millionaires
walk down the red carpet at the Emmys!
STAN
...He's got us there, dude.
TONY
I got her. I got Stevie Nicks.
GOAT
Me-e-e-eh.
[Nearby... Osama's grinning widely at the camel. Cartman walks
up in a different costume - that of the fussy movie director.]
CARTMAN
There you are! Where have you been?
We have another anti-American video
to create!
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Oh, dapidiuta ako.
CARTMAN
Hur-ry, get into wardrobe! Oh hur-ry
up, will you hur-ry?! Oh, you look
marvelous, dahling.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Haqa hamahama.
CARTMAN
Come on! The cameras are ready! Alright,
there we go. Let's roll cameras. Oh,
and here's your microphone.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Ogh. America adirqadirqa- Uh ohhh.
GENERAL
We've done it! The Taliban is destroyed!
SOLDIERS
Hoorayyy!!
KYLE
Wow! I guess Cartman really did take
care of them.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Terrorists is the craziest peoples.
Eheeee!
SOLDIER
I got him! I got him!
BOY IN BLUE VEST
Well, it looks like the Taliban and
bin Laden are finally out of power.
AKMARH
Yeup, you don't need us anymore.
STAN
Hey, wait a minute. You know, you guys
should know one thing. Most people
in America are good people. We just
try to live day by day, like you guys
do. Maybe if you took some time to see
all the great things about our country,
you'd see... we're not so different
after all.
KYLE
Yeah.
BOY IN BLUE VEST
That's fine. But we still hate you.
STAN
Oh... Well, I guess, maybe, someday,
we can learn to... hate you too.
AKMARH
Maybe. In time.
KYLE
I'm confused.
[USO concert. The stage is set amid the pup tents and soldiers
clamor around in the audience. "VICTORY!" The general takes the
stage]
GENERAL
Great job, troops! Once again we have
killed our enemies!
SOLDIER 5
Hooray!
SOLDIER 6
Hooray! Yeah, we sure did!
GENERAL
The world is now safe, thanks to you.
And so now, as promised, here is Fleetwood
Mac with Stevie Nicks!
SOLDIERS
Whoa. Yeah.
FLEETWOOD MAC
Just like the wild winged bird sings
a song-
Stand back, she's singin'.
GOAT
Maaa
FLEETWOOD MAC
Baby
GOAT
Maaa
FLEETWOOD MAC
Babe
GOAT
Maa-ha
STAN
Come on, let's go gat to the plane.
KYLE
Dude! I almost thought those Afghani
kids talked you into not liking America.
STAN
No, dude. America may have some problems,
but it's our home. Our team. And if
you don't wanna root for your team,
then you should get the hell out of
the stadium.
KYLE
Yeah.
STAN
Go America.
KYLE
Go America. Go Broncos.
STAN
Yeah, go Broncos.
CARTMAN
Yeah.
THE END
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