"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 810
"PRESCHOOL"
Written by
Trey Parker
CLYDE
Yeah, and it was called Man from Atlantis,
and he had like, webbed fingers...
STAN
Kyle, Kenny! I have to talk to you right
now!
KYLE
Okay, hang on a second I-
STAN
RIGHT NOW, GODDAMNIT!
KYLE
All right, all right! Dude, what is
the matter with you?
STAN
Trent Boyett is being released from
Juvenile Hall.
KENNY
(WHAT??)
KYLE
Trent Boyett?? The kid from preschool??
STAN
Yeah. He just got paroled.
KYLE
Oh no! NO!
CARTMAN
Hey gaybots, what's goin' on?
KYLE
Trent Boyett is being released from
Juvenile Hall.
CARTMAN
Really? That's cool. When did-? What
did you say? Trent Boyett? Meanest,
dirtiest, toughest kid in the world,
super-pissed off at US Trent Boyett??
KYLE
Yeah.
CARTMAN
Oh, Holy Jesus, God is...
STAN
What the hell are we gonna do??
BUTTERS
Hey, is it true?? Trent Boyett is getting
out??
CARTMAN
It's true.
BUTTERS
Oh Jesus, Oh Christ in Heaven, I gotta
hide! Uh, oh boy!
CARTMAN
He's gonna come for us, you guys. We
are dead men.
KYLE
Look, m-maybe he's forgiven us. I mean,
we were only in preschool
[Flashback to preschool days. It's playtime, and the kids are
busy doing things, sliding and such.]
STAN
Dude, let's play Fireman.
KYLE
Totally, dude, let's play Fireman.
CARTMAN
Jews can't be firemen.
KYLE
Shut up, fatass!
CARTMAN
Don't call me fat, you stupid Jew!
KENNY
(How about we put a real fire out?)
STAN
Hey, Kenny's right. We should put out
a i>real fire. Then we'll be heroes!
CARTMAN
But how do we start a fire?
KYLE
Trent Boyett will do it. He's the toughest,
baddest kid in preschool!
TRENT
Say Uncle!
BOY
Uncle!
TRENT
Say Uncle!
BOY
Uncle!
TRENT
What do you shitheads want?!
KYLE
Do you know how to start a fire?
TRENT
Sure! I burn lots stuff.
STAN
Start one. Then we're gonna put it out.
KYLE
We're firemen!
TRENT
Do you fuckheads even know how to put
out a fire?
STAN
Yeah yeah, we play Fireman all the time.
CARTMAN
Don't worry, Trent.
TRENT
All right, fine.
BUTTERS
Hey fellas, you'd better be careful.
CARTMAN
Shut up, Butters! We know what we're
doing!
BUTTERS
Oh, all right then.
STAN
Wow, cool!
KYLE
Code 7! Bring in the firemen!
STAN
Woowoowoowoo, Clang clang clang clang
clang! Come on, firemen! Put out the
fire!
KYLE
We're heroes! We saved the school.
TRENT
Put it out!
TEACHER
Trent Boyett, what have you done now?!
TRENT
They said they could put it out.
TEACHER
Children, get back away, now! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I'm buuurniiing!
STAN
Put it out, put it out!
[South Park Elementary, moments later, still in the flashback.
The teacher is being put in an ambulance]
PARAMEDIC
Come on, hurry! We've gotta get her
to the hospital!
STAN
Dude, we are in so much trouble!
KYLE
My mon is gonna break my legs!
CARTMAN
Hey, we didn't start the fire, Trent
Boyett did.
STAN
That's true.
OFFICER
You boys! Trent is trying to tell us
the fire was YOUR idea.
STAN
No!
KYLE
Not us. We're good kids.
TRENT
Tell them it was an accident: you thought
you could put it out.
CARTMAN
Trent Boyett is a liar, sir.
OFFICER
I thought so. All right, that's it,
Trent. You're going to Juvenile Hall
for a long time!
TRENT
Butters, you saw! Tell them what happened!
BUTTERS
Ah, I'd do you in, Trent. Ah, I don't
wanna get involved. Or else my parents
will ground me.
TRENT
You'd better pray I never get out of
Juvenile Hall! You'd better ALL pray!
KYLE
Dude, when he gets out of Juvenile Hall,
he's gonna wanna kill us!
CARTMAN
Whatever. That's like five years from
now.
STAN
Yeah, who cares?
THE BOYS
All right, yeah, woohoo, we did it!
[The flashback ends and the boys are shown in the hall again.]
STAN
Now it's five years later. And Trent
Boyett is being released.
CARTMAN
Oh Jesus, he's gonna kill us. We-we've
gotta tell our parents!
KYLE
We can't tell our parents, dude! We
lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're
responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident!
STAN
Sshhh, here comes Ms. Claridge now.
THE BOYS
Hello, Ms. Claridge.
STAN
Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge?
CARTMAN
You guys, what the fuck are we gonna
do?! In case you've forgotten, Trent
Boyett is the meanest kid we ever knew.
He's gonna tear us apart!
KYLE
Look, that was a long time ago. Maybe
Trent Boyett has forgotten all about
it.
[Juvenile Hall, outside, day, out in the desert. The sky looks
smoggy.]
[Juvenile Hall, inside. The gates in the hall roll back and a
mean Trent walks forward. On his right shoulder is written "Vengeance
is Mine, sayeth the Lord." Above the writing is a cross. On his
left shoulder is a skull surrounded by the words "Never Forget."
He approaches the check-out desk]
WARDEN
Everything that you had when you were
first brought in here will now be returned.
One Crayole eight-pack with crayon
sharpener. One pair of plastic round-tipped
scissors. One marble, blue. And one
switchblade knife with "Kill all betrayers"
written on the blade, black. Trent!
Where are you gonna do?
TRENT
I gots business to take care of.
[Butters' house, day. In his darkened room, Butters trembles
in fear on the floor next to his bookcase. A knock is heard at
his door]
BUTTERS
Hah!
CHRIS
Butters?
BUTTERS
Hullo. Oh, uh hi Dad.
CHRIS
Butters, what is wrong with you??
BUTTERS
Nothin' wrong, sir. Eh nothin' at all.
LINDA
You've been shut up in your room for
days, Butters. You need to go outside,
go play.
BUTTERS
Uh... outside? No way!
LINDA
Why not?
BUTTERS
N-no reason!
CHRIS
Butters, we have had it with your moping
around! You're gonna go outside and
you're gonna play, right now!
BUTTERS
But Dad, I just wanna stay in my room-
[Butters' house, front porch. He's kicked out of the house and
the door shuts closed on him. He fiddles his fingers around nervously]
CHRIS
Butters, play! Start playing right
now, young man!
BUTTERS
Tru... Tr-Trent Boyett! HAAA! Dad!
Mom! I'm don- I'm done playin' now!
AAAAAH! Let me in, Dad! Mom, Dad,
you gotta open the door!
LINDA
What on earth is the matter with him?
CHRIS
Just keep the door locked, honey. Butters
can't be a house hermit his whole life.
BUTTERS
Oh my God, he's coming! Oh here oh my
gosh he's gonna kill me!
LINDA
I just can't stand to hear him scream
like that. I'm gonna go upstairs.
BUTTERS
Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door right
now! You've gotta open it- Oh hey!
Trent Boyett Gosh I... haven't seen
you in a whle.
TRENT
Five years. It's been five long miserable
years.
BUTTERS
Look, Trent, I know- I know you're awful
sore about... pre- muh- pr-preschool
and all, but... well that was a long
time ago. I mean, we were just kids.
Uhhh... p-lease don't hurt me, Trent.
I-I'll give you anything you want. You
name it!
TRENT
Can you give me back my time? Huh? Can
you do that?? Kindergarten, first grade,
second? Can you give me that??
BUTTERS
Well, no, Trent, I-I'm not like a time-traveler
or nothin'.
TRENT
I'm gonna give you something you didn't
give me: a five-second head-start.
BUTTERS
No, Trent, I I ain't gonna run. We can
talk this through.
TRENT
Four seconds!
BUTTERS
Uh Trent, now, listen to me. I'm sorry
for the color-
TRENT
Three seconds!
BUTTERS
Ohhh yamuckers!
[Hell's Pass hospital, day. Butters wasn't fast enough. In a
recovery room, his parents stand at his bedside]
LINDA
Thanks so much for coming to visit Butters
in the hospital, boys. It means a lot
to him.
CHRIS
What happened to him, Doctor?
DR. DOCTOR
From the test results, it would appear
your child was tortured by a bully.
He received a massive snuggie, his underwear
pulled up so high it nearly killed him.
He also received two Indian sunburns
on his forearms, a charlie horse on
the thigh, and a second-degree titty
twister. And from the damage to his
head area, it appears he was also given
a swirly, a colossal one. It also appears
like he received a noogie, and, a Polish
bike ride.
LINDA
What's that?
DR. DOCTOR
We aren't sure. We only know that...
there is no cure.
LINDA
If only we had let him in! Why didn't
we let him inside the house when he
was screaming for help??
CHRIS
Now, honey, we were trying to read.
CARTMAN
We've got to tell them who did this,
you guys. We're gonna get it as bad
as Butters!
KYLE
That's nothing compared to what my mom
will do to me if she finds out I've
been lying for five years!
CARTMAN
Maybe you didn't hear so good in there,
Kyle! Second-degree titty-twister!
STAN
Calm down guys, we don't have to go
tell our parents. We just need to go
out and get some protection.
CARTMAN
How the hell are condoms gonna help
us?! Sorry, heh. Never mind, heh.
STAN
I'm talking about hiring somebody bigger
than Trent to protect us from him. Come
on!
[A riverbed. There's graffiti along the banks and sixth graders
ride their bikes all around the riverbed]
SIXTH GRADER 1
I'm gonna jump the wall of fire. Yeah,
that was sweat!
SIXTH GRADER 2
Hey, look!
KYLE
Dude, we shouldn't be here!
STAN
Stay cool, guys. If anybody can protect
us from Trent Boyett, it's the sixth
graders.
SIXTH GRADER 2
Stupic little Fourthies! What are you
little Fourthies doin' in our hangout?!
STAN
We've come to... ask you for help.
SIXTH GRADER 2
Help???
KYLE
We need you to protect us... from a
bully.
SIXTH GRADER 2
Yeah? And what do we get for it?
CARTMAN
A twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper, A Shoots
& Ladders game used only three times,
DVD of Harry Potter 2, and a coupon
for a free side of fries with a purchase
of any deloxe hamburger at Red Robin.
All this can be yours.
SIXTH GRADER 2
You're gonna have to do better than
that, Fourthies!
KYLE
Well... Well, what do you want?
SIXTH GRADER 2
You're Stan Marsh, right?
STAN
Yeah.
SIXTH GRADERS
OOOOOoooOoOooo!
SIXTH GRADER 2
We want a picture of your mom's boobs!
SIXTH GRADERS
Yeah. Awesome.
STAN
WHAT??
SIXTH GRADER 3
Your mom has the sweetest bewbs ever.
SIXTH GRADER 4
Yeah! I totally wanna suck your mom's
tits.
STAN
Dude, weak!
SIXTH GRADER 2
Come back with a naked picture of your
mom!
STAN
NO!
SIXTH GRADER 2
Then we aren't helpin' you!
KYLE
Wait! We'll do it.
SIXTH GRADER 2
It'd have to be a good picture, too!
So long, Fourthies!
CARTMAN
Okay, so now we just need to get a picture
of Stan's mom naked. Cool.
[Sonewhere. Trent makes makeshift barbells out of rods and solid
disks and begins pumping iron]
[South Park, Main Street. A couple and Ms. Claridge pass each
other]
WOMAN 1
That's the preschool teacher, Ms. Claridge.
Poor woman suffered such horrible burns
she can only communicate by... beeping
once for yes and twice for no.
WOMAN 2
Oh hello, Ms. Claridge. Nice day, isn't
it?
MAN 2
Need help across the street, Ms. Claridge?
Well all right then.
MAN 3
Ms. Claridge, you all right? You can
talk to me, Ms. Claridge. I understand:
one beep for yes and two for no. Don't
you think you should get out of the
street? Look you, you don't have to
be so cold. I'm just trying to help.
Oooo, sorry!
[A doorbell rings. Mrs. Broflovski approaches and opens the door.
Trent faces her with his knife in hand.]
TRENT
Can Kyle come out and play?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, Kyle isn't home right now, hon.
TRENT
Thank you, ma'am.
[Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit at the dining
table. Cartman is dressed as a woman]
STAN
You see, Mom, all the kids at school
were told to bring a picture of their
moms' breasts for anatomy class.
CARTMAN
I don't know, son. That sounds awfully
strange. You cannot have a picture
of my hot breasts.
STAN
But mom, my teacher will-
CARTMAN
Nononono, you gotta go "But Mo-o-o-om."
STAN
But Mo-o-o-
CARTMAN
"But Mo-o-o-om."
STAN
This is hopeless!
KYLE
Why don't you just sneak in your mom's
closet and get a picture when she's
changing clothes?
STAN
That's sick, dude! I'm not taking a
picture of my mom's boobs!
KENNY
(I'll do it.)
STAN
No, you're not doing it either! We just
need to find something that looks like
boobs to take a picture of.
KYLE
What else has big round squishy globes?
[Living room, moments later. Cartman stands on a stool and squats
down. Kyle has a set of instructions and Stan has a marker. Kenny
stands as a witness]
CARTMAN
Draw the um- You guys draw the nipples
like on the bottom of my asscheecks.
KYLE
No, the nipples are more in the middle,
see?
CARTMAN
Yeah, but Stan's mom is old; that means
her nipples... sag more to the bottom
now.
KYLE
How do you know?!
CARTMAN
Will you guys trust me? I know this
stuff!
STAN
All right, fine.
KYLE
Oh wait! We forgot the necklace.
KENNY
(Oh yeah!)
KYLE
God I hope this works.
[The ravine, day. The sixth graders are there again, riding up
and down the concrete slopes. Stan and his friends approach]
STAN
Escuse me!
SIXTH GRADER 2
Whattaya want now?!
STAN
We, we got it.
SIXTH GRADER 3
You got a picture of your mom's bewbs?
SIXTH GRADER 5
No way!
SIXTH GRADER 6
Hey, hold on a second! These are like
the hottest tits I've evern seen!
SIXTH GRADER 7
Whoa!
SIXTH GRADER 8
Check them out!
SIXTH GRADER 2
Give me that! Whoa! I knew she had
a hot rack!
SIXTH GRADERS
Yeah. Sure does. Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
SIXTH GRADER 9
Oh yeah, those are so hot. Oooohhh
KYLE
Okay, so now you'll help us take care
of Trent Boyett?
SIXTH GRADER 2
Oh all right, we'll let this Trent
Boyett know that if he misses with you,
he's messin' with us!
CARTMAN
All right!
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
CARTMAN
You guys, we're free! We haven't a care
in the world!
KENNY
(All right!)
SIXTH GRADER 10
I need three minutes alone with the
picture behind the bushes.
SIXTH GRADER 6
I get to take the picture behind the
bushes after you.
SIXTH GRADER 2
I'm takin' it to the bushes first!
STAN
Dude, are we gonna be like that someday?
KYLE
Naw.
[The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. The boys exit
an ice cream parlor with ice cream cones and walk down the street]
KYLE
Man, I would have loved to seen to seen
the look on Trent Boyett's face when
all the sixth graders showed up!
CARTMAN
Yeah. Trent's just lucky he didn't mess
with us. I woulda kicked his ass.
STAN
Hey, look. What is Ms. Claridge doing?
Ms. Claridge?
MAN 4
She won't talk to anybody, boys. Some
say... she's just given up hope.
CARTMAN
Hey guys, you know what we should do?
We should go get a- Hwuh?!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, later. The boys enter the emergency room
and see it full of cots. The sixth graders are there, some injured
more than others. The emergency room personnel have their hands
full]
DR. DOCTOR
Jesus Christ, I've never seen so many
Indian sunburns and titty twisters in
my life! Get a cold towel on that pink
belly!
NURSE 1
Doctor, we have another snuggie here
DR. DOCTOR
Over there! Another wet willie?
NURSE 2
Worst one yet.
SIXTH GRADER
It's all
DR. DOCTOR
Give the poor kid some morphine.
STAN
Dude, what happened?
SIXTH GRADER 2
We... told him not to mess with you
guys... We told him... you paid us.
KYLE
Oh, Jesus. You told him that?!
DR. DOCTOR
Boys, you have to let him rest. Some
mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl
STAN
What's that?
DR. DOCTOR
It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone,
and the anus. I don't know what kind
of kid would do this to other people;
I only know that I wouldn't ever want
to be on that kid's bad side.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, outside]
STAN
We're dead. Trent knows we send the
sixth-graders after him.
CARTMAN
He's gonna give us all Texas chili bowls.
KYLE
We've gotta move away. We've gotta get
as far away from this town as possible!
STAN
No, no, we've just gotta find better
help.
KYLE
From who? We can't ask adults for help
and there's nobody tougher than sixth
graders.
STAN
There is... one person.
[Stan's house, living room. Shelley is watching TV with a bowl
of soup on her lap. Stan and friends enter and approach]
STAN
Shelley?
SHELLEY
Shut up, turd! I'm watching television!
STAN
Shelley, you're my sister, right? And
families... depend on each other.
SHELLEY
I said shut up, or I will destroy you,
tur-r-rd!
STAN
Shelley Somebody is going to kill me,
and I can't go to Mom or Dad for help,
so, you're kind of the only person I
have... left.
SHELLEY
STOP CRYING, TURD!! Now, who's gonna
kill you?
STAN
Trent Boyett. He just got released from
Juvenile Hall. He was sent there for
burning Ms. Claridge, but actually,
it was our fault.
SHELLEY
Oh, you are such stupid turds.
STAN
We were only four years old at the time,
uh. We du-we didn't think about the
past coming back to haunt us then. We
didn't think and now he's gonna kill
us!
SHELLEY
Calm down, turd! No Juvenile Hall turd
is going to kill you. That's my job.
KYLE
So you're gonna help us?
SHELLEY
Yes, but I'm gonna want something in
return.
CARTMAN
A picture of your mom's boobs?
SHELLEY
SHUT UP, TURD! You're going to admit
to Ms. Claridge what you did!
STAN
Admit it was our fault?
SHELLEY
You can't run from your past, turds.
Apologize and make amends. Then I'll
protect you from this Trent turd.
[The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. No one has moved
her. Cars move past her, honking at her, and two men and a woman
approach the corner facing her.]
MAN 5
Ms. Claridge, the people in town are
really worried about you.
WOMAN 5
Look, if you're having some kind of
problem, you have to be able to talk
to people.
MAN 6
Just tell us this: do you trust that
we want what's best for you, yes or
no?
MAN 5
All right, fine! But someday you're
gonna have to learn to let people in!
Bitch.
STAN
Hi, Ms. Claridge. Uh, we have s-someting
to tell you.
KYLE
The thing is, Ms. Claridge, we did a
lot of stupid things when we were kids.
CARTMAN
A lot of stupid things that we regret.
KENNY
(And it's time for us to come clean.)
STAN
See, Ms. Claridge, when we were little,
we used to play with our weiners a lot,
and one game we played was "Fierman."
TRENT
I've been lookin' for you! Firve years
I've been waitin' for this day.
CARTMAN
AAAAAAAAH!
STAN
Trent, look: We've realized our mistake!
CARTMAN
Yes, our conscious got the best of us
and, and we were just about to tell
everyone the truth.
TRENT
You had five years to do that. And while
I wasted away my time in prison you've
been enjoying nice, normal lives!
KYLE
Our lives have not been enjoyable, Trent!
I promise you!
TRENT
Don't tell me that! I heard about the
things you've done! But there WERE no
magical Christmas adventures or talking
poo for me! I didn't get to fight a
huge mechanized Barbra Streisand like
you did! No accidental trips to Afghanistan
for Trent Boyett!
CARTMAN
Stay away from us, Trent!
STAN
What is that?
CARTMAN
It's my mom's taser. I took it from
her purse. Just back off, man!
TRENT
Look, just take your punishment! You
deserve it! Let me have my retribution
and it can be over with.
CARTMAN
I am NOT going to have a titty twister!
I hate titty twisters!
TRENT
You don't even know how to use that!
Wow!
OFFICER 2
So, Trent, you just had to finish off
your old preschool teacher, eh?
TRENT
No! They did it!
CARTMAN
Trent Boyett is a liar, sir.
OFFICER 2
Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this
to you. Yes yes. Take him away!
TRENT
Naw! You've gotta listen to me!
KYLE
Dude, when he gets out he's gonna be
really mad!
CARTMAN
Whatever, that's like five years from
now.
STAN
Yeah, who cares?
THE BOYS
Yeah, woohoo
CARTMAN
We did it! So long, Trent! Have a nice
time! Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! Hahahahahaaahaaa!
SIXTH GRADER 6
Hey, hold on a second!
CARTMAN
Uh oh.
SIXTH GRADER 6
Bewbs!
SIXTH GRADER
Omigod!
SIXTH GRADERS
Boobs!
SIXTH GRADER
I'm taking them to the bushes!
SIXTH GRADER 2
I'm taking them to the bushes first!
CARTMAN
Hah! Hey!
THE END
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