"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 812
"STUPID SPOILED WHORE VIDEO PLAYSET"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Mall, day. Inside, a crowd awaits a special event.
A small stage with "PARIS" writ large in front is set up before
a red curtain. Wendy and Bebe arrive and make heir way to the
front.]
BEBE
Come on, Wendy, we'er gonna miss it.
WENDY
We're gonna miss what?
BEBE
Paris Hilton is making an appearance
at the mall.
WENDY
Who's Paris Hilton?
RED
"Who's Paris Hilton?"
ANNIE
You don't know?
ANNOUNCER
Hello, everyone! The Guess Clothing
Company is pleased to have as its new
spokesperson model, a woman all you
young ones can look up to, Ms. Paris
Hilton.
BEBE
Wow, that's really her! Paris! Over
here!
WENDY
I don't get it. What does she do?
ANNIE
She's super-rich!
WENDY
...but what does she do?
RED
She's totally spoiled and savvy.
WENDY
What does she do?!
MAN
She's a whore.
PARIS
Hey everyone. Sorry if I'm a little
spent. I did a whole lot of partying
last night with a LOT of different guys.
Anyway, I'm pleased to be here in Douth
Dark to announce the opening of my brand
new store! A store where girls can buy
everything they need to be just like
me! Stupid Spoiled Whore! Have fun,
girls. And remember to party, and be
super-lame to everybody. Bye! Give
me that! Fucking Christ I need a drink!
Where's my dog?!
[Stupid Spoiled Whore, inside. The girls rush in as the doors
open and begin to mill around. Bebe leads Red, Jordan and Wendy
around. Wendy's still stunned.]
BEBE
Wow, look at all this great stuff. Stupid
Spoiled Whore clothes, Stupid Spoiled
Whore dolls,
RED
Hey, check it out: the new Paris Hilton
perfume, Skanque.
ANNIE
Oh yeah, let's get lots of that!
WENDY
You guys, don't buy this stuff. Why
do you want to be like Paris Hilton?
RED
It's not just Paris: Britney Spears,
Christina Aguilera, Tara Reid, they're
all stupid spoiled whores!
WENDY
But the idea that we'll be whorish for
money is belittling to our gender!
BEBE
Wendy, get a clue. The only thing more
important than being rich is being famous!
ANNIE
Wow, you really sound like a dumb slut,
Bebe.
BEBE
Thanks, Annie!
[South Park Mall, parking lot. Paris's chaffeur holds the limosine
door open for her.]
PARIS
God, get me out of this hick town!
What a bunch of rednecks! Everybody's
so fucking lame. Except for you, my
little Tinkerbell. You love my vewy
much, don't you? How much you wuv me?
I'm gonna dress you up like a bunny,
and then I'm gonna dress you up like
a little princess. You're mine forever!
Whatever! Oh, hey, KC. Oh, another
stupid store opening at some lame cowboy
town. Oh, it's so fucking stupid, this
whole town stinks like cows. I can't
wait to get out of here! Grody! They
have the lamest stores, too. I'm gonna
go to Rome for the weekend, I think.
I dunno, Rome or Tokyo, either way it'll
be totally boring. Stupid. Hagh.
I need to get wasted. I haven't had
a drink in like fourteen minutes. Why
is everybody so stupid anyway? I flashed
all these hicks with my boobs; you should've
seen the look on their faces! Stupid
redneck idiots! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
DRIVER
Oh dear...
PARIS
Another dog killed itself!
[A house. Two girls sit at a dining table doing nothing. Wendy
enters and addresses them]
WENDY
Hey Jessie , hey Kal. Do you guys mind
if I hang out with you? The other girls
are acting really strange.
JESSIE
Sure, Wendy. We were just trying to
think of something to do.
WENDY
Oh, well, you wanna maybe go to the
art museum?
JESSIE
Nah, that sounds really dull.
KAL
Hey, I know! Let's make a videotape
of us having sex with boys!
WENDY
What??
KAL
I just got the Stupid Spoiled Whore
video playset!
SINGERS
Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset!
KAL
You can make videos that get out on
the Internet!
JESSIE
Yeah!
SINGERS
Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset!
[Jessie and Kal open the box up and prepare the camera]
Show the whole world what a slut you are!
[Kal puts on some makeup as Jessie looks on]
ANNOUNCER
Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset comes
with video camera, night-vision filter,
play money, losable cellphone, and sixteen
hits of exstacy.
SINGERS
Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset!
[night-vision footage of Kal simulating sex is shown]
Let everyone see your coo-oo-ooch!
[The playset box is shown again, then Kal is shown on the cellphone]
KAL
I'm pretending to be calling my friends
on the cellphone while my man waits
for more sex!
JESSIE
You're a Stupid Spoiled Whore. Where
are you goin', Wendy?
[The limosine. Paris is crying over the loss of Tinkerbell]
PARIS
Bwaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaa!
DRIVER
All right, Ms. Hilton, we'll find you
another dog.
PARIS
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
DRIVER
There there now, let's just get you
back home, shall we?
PARIS
Woooooooooohooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooo...
Wait! Wait, stop the car! Stop the
car, you fucking moron! Look at how
cuuute. I want that! I want that!!
BUTTERS
Lu lu lu, I've got some apples, Lu
lu lu, you've got some too.
PARIS
It's adorable!
BUTTERS
Lu lu lu, let's make some applesauce,
take off our clothes and lu lu lu!
PARIS
Look at his lwittle puff ball! I'm
gonna feed you, and take care of you,
and call you Mr. Biggles!
BUTTERS
My name's Butters.
PARIS
Driver, put Mr. Biggles in the car.
I want to find a bear costume for him.
Won't he be soo cute dressed up as a
bear?
DRIVER
Paris, I believe this is somebody's
child.
PARIS
I want it!
DRIVER
I don't think you can actually-
PARIS
I WANT IT! WANT IT!!!
DRIVER
All right, all right, come on- come
on, young man
BUTTERS
Wa-I'm, Wa-I'm sorry, ma'am. I'd like
to be your boyfriend and all, uh even
though you have kind of a big nose,
but my parents told me, "never get into
a car with a stranger."
PARIS
Well did they say anything about limosines?
CHRIS
Butters, never get into a car with a
stranger! Unless it's a limosine.
BUTTERS
Oh.Yeah, actually, they did say that'd
be all right.
PARIS
Get in the limo, Mr. Biggles! We're
gonna have a bear costume made for you!
[Wendy's house, night. Her parents are watchng TV and munching
on chips on the sofa. She enters with her head down]
ANNOUNCER
And now, back to The Price is Right!
DAD
Hi, sweetie. What's the matter.
WENDY
Mom, Dad, I'm growing concerned about
the role models young women have in
today's society.
DAD
Oh?
WENDY
It seems that lewdness and shallowness
are being exalted, while intellectualism
is looked down upon.
DAD
...Gosh.
WENDY
I think young women are being marketed
to by corrupt, moral-less corporations.
DAD
Well, we'll get right on fixing that,
sweetie. Wanna watch The Price is Right?
WENDY
Dad, there's a new store at the mall
called "Stupid Spoiled Whore" and I'm
gonna go there and buy a thong!
DAD
What?! No daughter of mine is going
to dress like a whore! We're marching
down to that store right now, young
lady!
[Stupid Spoiled Whore, moments later. Wendy and her dad enter
the store. He looks around]
MR. TESTABURGER
Oh my God! Well this place is-! Oh my
God! Mrs. Polk, you're buying this
stuff for your daughter?!
MRS. POLK
It's what's in right now. I, I can't
have my little girl be the only one
not in a trend; she'll be unpopular.
MR. TESTABURGER
Unpopular?! If she's not a whore?!
But these are our girls!
MRS. STEVENS
I think it's empowering for them. I
mean, sure, if a man wants to be a whore,
it's "normal," but if a woman wants
to be one, it's "WRONG."
WOMAN 1
But, when a man pees standing up, it's
"normal," but when a woman does it,
it's "weeeird."
FEMALES
Yeah! Right!
WOMAN 2
Yeah, like, when men shave their balls
it's fine, but when a woman does it
she's "straaange."
FEMALES
Yeah! Right! It isn't fair!
TEEN GIRL 1
All the girls in South Park are gonna
be total sluts from now on, so you can
just get used to it.
TEEN GIRL 2
Yeah. Will you buy me that purse I
want over there? I'll do anything, 'cause
I'm a whore.
MR. TESTABURGER
Oh, uh uh sure I, I can buy a purse.
WENDY
Dad!!
MR. TESTABURGER
Nope. Wendy, I think they're right.
You see, you have to believe in the
rights of women. For too long they've
had to live a double standard. Oh yeah.
I'm sorry I've been so chauvinistic,
Wendy. From now on you can have whatever
you want from this store, I'll help
make you the stupidest, most spoiled
whore of them all!
FEMALES
Yeahah! Hooray!
[The Stotch house, day.]
CHRIS
Butters, will you mind telling us why
you're dressed up like a bear?!
BUTTERS
Oh, well, uh, my sort-of-girlfriend
dressed me up like this.
CHRIS
Your girlfriend?
PARIS
There you are, Mr. Biggles! Aw I thought
I'd lost you! Promise you'll never
leave me.
LINDA
Butters? You're dating Paris Hilton?
You are grounded, mister!
BUTTERS
I'm sorry.
CHRIS
Uh, sweetheart, isn't Paris Hilton
worth a lot of money?
LINDA
Chris, she's more than twice Butters'
age!
CHRIS
Yes, and more than three billion times
his net worth. Everybody adores that
girl, darling. We should be nice to
her too, especially if she's in love
with our son!
LINDA
Uhm, Paris, would you like to have some
cocoa with us?
PARIS
With schnapps and Scotch.
[The dining table. The four persons are seated around it drinking
cocoa, with Paris having a bottle of Scotch alongside the cocoa]
CHRIS
So, Paris, I understand you're from
the prestigious Hilton family. Very
nice hotels.
PARIS
I've gotta get outta here. This place
is stupid. Where am I? Oh, I wanna take
Mr. Biggles with me.
LINDA
With you where?
PARIS
To live with me forever and ever, you
dumb broad. How much?
LINDA
How much? For Butters?
CHRIS
Butters is our son. He's not for sale.
PARIS
I'll give you two hundred million dollars
for it.
CHRIS
Escuse me?!
PARIS
I said I'll give you two hundred million
dollars for it! I'll write you a check
for Mr. Biggles right now.
LINDA
Chris, is she serious?
CHRIS
Aj, Butters, why don't you take Paris
up to your room for a little while,
uh, Mommy and Daddy have to talk.
BUTTERS
Mom, Dad, I I love you. Please don't
sell me to Paris Hilton.
CHRIS
Butters, right now!!
[the living room, moments later. Chris paces the floor as Linda
watches on.]
LINDA
We aren't honestly considering this?
CHRIS
Darling, Paris is a billionaire. She
can give Butters everything he wants.
We'd be terrible parents NOT to consider
it.
LINDA
But he's our son!
CHRIS
I know, darling, but look: we have to
think about the rest of the family.
LINDA
The rest of the f- you do mean us?
CHRIS
Yes, us, the rest of the family.
[Upstairs, in Butters' room. The bed looks nice. Paris is now
drunk from the Scotch she added to her cocoa.]
PARIS
What should we do, Mr. Biggles? I drank
too much. Oh my God, I'm so wasted!
The room's all spinny. I'm... totally
passing out.
[South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and kids clear the
hall. Cartman is at his locker, and near him stand five girls.
Wendy walks up to them]
WENDY
Hey Bebe. I heard you were having a
party tonight.
BEBE
You wouldn't be interested, Wendy. My
parents are out of town, so it's a Stupid
Spoiled Whore party.
WENDY
I'm a stupid spoiled whore.
ANNIE
Right. Please, Wendy, you're like Class
President and stuff!
RED
Yeah, and you get straight A's in school!
BEBE
You're not even spoiled, because your
parents give money to charity!
RED
You don't want to go to this party,
Wendy! We're inviting all the boys,
and we're gonna play Spin the Bottle,
and Two Minutes In The Closet, and do
ketamine.
WENDY
That's okay.
ANNIE
Oh, please, do you even know what ketsmine
is?
WENDY
Yes.
ANNIE
See? You are too smart.
RED
Yeah. We have no idea what ketamine
is.
BEBE
Sorry Wendy. You're just not a whore.
Get lost!
GIRLS
Yeah.
RED
Hey, we'd better start invitng boys
to the party.
SALLY
Oooo look, here comes Clyde.
BEBE
Party at my house tonight, Clyde. You're
invited.
MILLIE
Mmm, I'd like a piece of that!
RED
I wanna do him.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah. Here comes Kyle.
SALLY
Mmm, talk to me, kosher boy.
MILLIE
I'd like to swivel his pixie stick.
BEBE
Party at my house tonight, Kyle.
ANNIE
Tweek and Jason - that'd be a great
three-way.
RED
Yeah, they're invited too.
SALLY
Jason has a huge bulge. You're gonna
get it, boys.
BEBE
Now here's what I'm talking about.
A little midngith blue!
MILLIE
Yeah, I'd like to wax his crankshaft!
ANNIE
Be at Bebe's house, tonight, at seven!
SALLY
Look, here comes Kevin.
BEBE
Hey Kevin, party at my house.
MILLIE
I'd like to gargle his marbles.
RED
Yeah, you said it.
SALLY
See you there, Kev.
CARTMAN
"Dude, there's Cartman. We should invite
him to the party for sure." Fuck you
Millie, fuck you Annie, fuck you Bebe,
fuck you whatever your name is, and
fuck you, bitch!
[Butters' room. He's gotten interested in Paris' genitals, poking
at her coochie]
BUTTERS
Huh. Didn't I... Whoa, that's the darnedest
thing I ever saw.
CHRIS
Ms. Hilton? Uh, Ms. Hilton.
PARIS
Eugh. Where am I? Ew! This room's all
middle-class and small!
CHRIS
Ms. Hilton, we've talked it over all
night and ...while your offer is enticing,
I'm afraid we just can't sell you our
son for two hundred million dollars.
It'll have to be two hundred and fifty
million, cash, up front.
BUTTERS
Oh hamburgers!
PARIS
Yay Mr. Biggles, you're mine forever!
BUTTERS
Please! Ah I don't want to live with
her! She snores real bad, and she has
a huge nose, and a squishy thing that
lives in her pants! Please! Please don't
sell me to her!
CHRIS
All right, Butters, tell you what: if
you can raise the two hundred and fifty
million dollars yourself, you can stay.
BUTTERS
Uh, well huh, how am I supposed to make
that kind of money??
CHRIS
It's called "working" young man! Your
grandfather was a coal miner for fifty
years; he never complained! Get out
there and start digging!
BUTTERS
Y-yes sir! I-I gotta... mine some coal...
really fast!
CHRIS
That should keep him busy for a while
while we get this transaction finished.
Now, Ms. Hilton, how should we start?
[Bebe's house, night. The living room is all decked out in disco
furnishings. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling and harmless
laser beams shoot here and there. The girls are enjoying themselves
while the boys have mixed expressions.]
MILLIE
Okay, that's two minutes. You can come
out, Clyde, Bab. How was he, Bab?
BAB
We had a great time, didn't we Clyde?
CLYDE
Aaaaah, owieeee, owieeee.
CARTMAN
Oh, hey, What's goin' on? I'm uh, here
for the party.
RED
Yeah? Who invited you?
CARTMAN
Oh uh uh Kelly. Kelly invited me.
RED
Kelly who?
CARTMAN
Kelly Rutherford Menskin.
RED
Kelly Rutherford Menskin?
KELLY MENSKIN
Yeah?
RED
Did you invite him?
KELLY MENSKIN
No!
CARTMAN
Oh wait wait wait, aah it wasn't her.
That's right, I forgot, it was uh...
Kelly Pinkerton Tinfurter
RED
Kelly Pinkerton Tinfurter?
KELLY TINFURTER
What?
CARTMAN
Oh Goddamnit!
[Mr. Garrison's house, night. The doorbell rings and he goes
to answer it. It's raining outside and thunderclaps roll soft
and deep]
MR. GARRISON
Oh, hello Wendy. Are you all right?
WEMDY
No, I need help.
MR. GARRISON
From from me?
WEMDY
Actually, I was hoping to see your boyfriend.
MR. GARRISON
Well sure, come on in. Mr. Slave is
right over here.
MR. SLAVE
Oooooooooooh! Oh Jezuth, Jezuth Christh!
MR. GARRISON
Mr. Slave, little Wendy from class wants
to see you.
MR. SLAVE
Oh, hi Wendy. You need a little help
with your math homework?
WENDY
Nno, I need help becoming a dirty whore
like you
MR. SLAVE
...Oh dear. Mr. Slave, I think you and
Wendy better have a little talk. I'll
make some cocoa.
[The sofa, moments later. Wendy and Mr. Slave sit side by side.]
WENDY
Mr. Slave, you're the most perverted,
lewd, depraved slut I know.
MR. SLAVE
Thank you sweetie.
WENDY
Can you teach me your secret fast?
MR. SLAVE
Honey, I didn't work to become a whore,
I was born a whore. I've been one...
ever since I can remember. Ever since
I was a little boy I seemed to enjoy...
different things.
LITTLE SLAVE
Mommy, I think I have a fever. Can you
take my temperature? Oooo, Jezuth Christh.
MR. SLAVE
As I got older, I felt that one boy
was never enough.
BOY SLAVE
Hey, there's that queer kid. Let's
tackle him!
KID
Hey yeah, tackle the queer kid! We'll
show you, queer!
BOY SLAVE
Oooooooooooh! Oooooooooooh! Jezuth Christh!
MR. SLAVE
So you see, I can't make you into a
whore, Wendy. But why would you want
to be one anyway?
WENDY
Because all the other girls are. They're
having a huge sex party right now and
I'm not invited.
MR. SLAVE
A what?? For God's sake, where??
[Butters' house, outside. Butters is at the side of the house
shoveling dirt from a mound]
BUTTERS
You work eighteen hours and what do
you get? Parents sell ya to Paris Hilton.
MAN
Look at that. A bear, mining for coal.
WOMAN
Well. I never.
CHRIS
Well Butters, how'd it go? Did you dig
up two hundred million dollars' worth
of coal?
BUTTERS
Well, no, not quite.
CHRIS
Oh, well, too bad. Ms. Hilton did raise
the money, so you'll be going off with
her.
BUTTERS
Well ah, shucks!
LINDA
Bye, sweetie, we love you!
[Inside the limo, Paris gets her camera and aims...]
PARIS
Smile Mr. Biggles! This time I have
to get a picture of my new pet BEFORE
anything happens.
BUTTERS
Before what happens?
[The shots are gruesome. First up is Tinkerbell, with the gun
and blood splattered all over the place; then Patches, a French
poodle that hung itself, shown dangling from the noose; then
Scrambles, a dog that somehow managed to slit its front paws,
lying in a bathtub full of water and blood; then Cuddles, a dog
that committed hara kiri] AAAAAAAAAAAH! [throws the book away
and gets out of the limo as fast as he could and runs away.]
PARIS
Mr. Biggles! Mr. Biggles, come back!
You'd better help me find him! No Mr.
Biggles, no money!
CHRIS
Oh that troublemaking son of ours! Butters!
Butters, you get back here or you are
grounded, mister!
[Bebe's house, night. The party is still going strong. One Kelly,
who had earlier been with Token, is chasing Kyle. Red is coming
on to Stan. Annie chases Kenny down and catches him. In general,
the guys are being chased down by the girls. Millie chases Tweek.
Mr. Slave kicks the front door open and enters with Wendy. Cartman
appears behind then and enters.]
MR. SLAVE
Oh Jezuth! Kids, kids!
ANNIE
Ew, potty mouth!
RED
Shut off the light.
STAN
Oh, thank God.
MR. SLAVE
Girls, what on earth are you doing?
BEBE
We're being stupid spoiled whores.
BUTTERS
H-help! You've gotta hide me! Uh don't
tell her I'm in here!
BEBE
What did you do, Wendy?! Go rat on us
because you're not invited to our Paris
Hilton party?!
MR. SLAVE
Okay, I think this has all gone far
enough! Now look, the last person you
want to be like is Paris Hilton!
PARIS
Mr. Biggles!
MR. SLAVE
Paris Hilton is a nobody! She may have
money, but she's a thoughtless, talentless
lowlife!
PARIS
Who the fuck are you calling a lowlife?!
BEBE
Wow, Paris Hilton is at my party! I
rule!
BUTTERS
HAAAAH!
MR. SLAVE
Hon, will you just tell these girls
that being a whore isn't such a great
thing.
PARIS
What isn't great about it? What's more
to life than partying?
MR. SLAVE
Look girls, I've partied a lot. Okay?
And I'm telling you, there's more to
life.
PARIS
You don't even know what partying is,
loser.
MR. SLAVE
Sweetie, really, don't go there, okay?
PARIS
Oh I went there. I went there, took
some pictures, and flew back already.
GIRLS
Ooooo!
ANNIE
Wow, what a bitch.
MR. SLAVE
Sweetie, listen, I know you've done
some partying in your private little
rich life, but you don't even wanna
know the kind of stuff I've done. I'm
the real whore, and I'm telling you,
it isn't great.
PARIS
Oh yeah?! I challenge you to a whore-off!
GIRLS
Ooooo!
MEN
Whore-off! Whore-off!
[South Park's Whore-off. A gazebo is set up for the event in
South Park Square. A crowd gathers]
OFFICIAL
Ahh testing? Hello? Okay uh, welcome
everyone. Uhh the South Park Chamber
of Commerce is pleased to bring you
the first annual "Who Is The Biggest
Whore" showdown.
BEBE
Mr. Slave has no idea what he's in for.
RED
Paris is gonna rock his world.
OFFICIAL
Ahhh I'm... not quite sure how we...
start this competition off, but uh-
PARIS
I'll show ya how we start it off.
CROWD
Ohhh!
WENDY
What is Mr. Slave doing? He he's just
sitting there.
MR. GARRISON
Give him time, Wendy. Give him time.
Come on, Mr. Slave.
PARIS
Back off! None of you losers are enough
for me! Eeeaaagh. Oh yeah. Aaaargh.
Tada!
RANDY
Oh no she di'int.
MR. SLAVE
Jezuth. Ohoho, Jezuth.
MR. GARRISON
Now, that's a whore!
BEBE
Wow, I guess Paris isn't such hot shit
after all.
MR. SLAVE
People, don't applaud me. I'm a dirty
whore. Being spoiled and stupid and
whorish is supposed to be a bad thing,
remember? Parents, if you don't teach
your children that people like Paris
Hilton are supposed to be despised,
where are they gonna learn it? You have
to be the- ooohooho, Jezuth Christh.
You have to be the ones to make sure
your daughters aren't looking up to
the wrong people.
MR. STEVENS
The homosexual is right. From now on,
Bebe, you're going to dress like a little
girl.
BEBE
Wendy, we're sorry we called you names.
Like not-stupid and not-spoiled.
RED
Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't
a whore.
WENDY
That's okay, you guys.
CHRIS
So- so that's it? No two hundred million
dollars? Well, Butters, I hope you're
happy!
BUTTERS
I'm a bad bear. I'm a very bad old
bear.
CHRIS
You're grounded, old bear.
[Deep within Mr. Slave's intestine, Paris is trying to claw her
way out]
PARIS
Oh my God, it's so gross! Let me out
of here! What the fuck is that?
FROG KING
Paris, you must find the way out of
this place or you'll surely die.
PARIS
What?
FROG KING
Make your way to the small intestine.
There you will meet the Sparrow Prince,
who can guide you to Catatafish. Now
go, Paris Hilton. Make haste!
A great adventure is waiting for you ahead.
Hurry onward Paris Hilton or you will soon be dead.
The road ahead is filled with danger and fright
But push onward, Paris Hilton, with all of your might.
Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton Paris Hilton
Stupid whore! ]
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