"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 303
"THE SUCCUBUS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[The optometrist's office. A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST
sign. Liane and Cartman are waiting in the lobby. Liane reads
a magazine. A poster off to one side reads "Real eyes the beauty
within."]
CARTMAN
Mom, please can we just leave?
LIANE
You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.
CARTMAN
But I hate the eye doctor. He always
makes fun of me for being fat.
LIANE
You're not fat, you're big-boned.
CARTMAN
That's what I told him, but he doesn't
listen to reason.
DOCTOR'S ASSISTANT
Eric Cartman.
CARTMAN
Weak.
[Inside, Cartman stops]
OPTOMETRIST
Hello, Eric.
CARTMAN
Hi, Dr. Lott
DR. LOTT
How's my little piggy today?
CARTMAN
Ey! Don't call me a little piggy!
DR. LOTT
I just say that because you're my little
buddy.
CARTMAN
I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?!
Keep the fat jokes to yourself!
DR. LOTT
Hop up on the chair. Don't break it
now!
CARTMAN
God damn it!
DR. LOTT
Just kidding. Let's see how your eyes
are doing. All you have to do is read
the letters. Can you see the letters?
CARTMAN
Yes.
DR. LOTT
All right, read them out for me.
CARTMAN
I am a little piggy.
Ey! [the optometrist laughs. Cartman stands up on the chair and
pushes the refractor away.] That does it! Mom!
DR. LOTT
No no. That, that was just a weird coincidence.
I do not know how that happened. "I
am a little piggy." Wow! What are the
odds of that? All right, let's get
down to business, shall we?
CARTMAN
Oh gee! That's a good idea! My mom isn't
paying you to be a comedian!
DR. LOTT
Hmm, let's see, which is better: one,
or two? One, or two?
CARTMAN
They look exactly the same.
DR. LOTT
Just pick one. Or two.
CARTMAN
I don't know, two!
DR. LOTT
Okay. One, or two? One, or two?
CARTMAN
Uh, one.
DR. LOTT
One, or two? One, or two?
CARTMAN
Two.
DR. LOTT
No! The answer is one, piggy! One!
CARTMAN
Ow! I hate you!
DR. LOTT
Yes, there is obviously a problem with
your eyes. I am gonna have to dilate
them and run some tests.
[Lunchtime at the school cafeteria. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand
in line to get their lunches]
KYLE
I wonder how come Cartman's not in school
today?
STAN
Yeah. Usually when he ditches school,
he still shows up for lunch.
KENNY
{Maybe he took a dump and got sick.}
KYLE
Yeah. Oh, here he comes.
CARTMAN
Hey dudes.
STAN
Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman?
CARTMAN
My asshole eye doctor made them all
dilevated.
KYLE
Why?
CARTMAN
Why? I'll tell you why! Because he's
a God-damned asshole, aaand, that's
about it!
STAN
Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
CARTMAN
Because my eyes suck. But that doctor
likes to torture me and I have to go
back tomorrow, and I don't know what
I'm gonna do.
KYLE
Dude, just ask Chef for help. He always
knows what to do.
CARTMAN
Hey, yeah! Ow!
[The kitchen. The boys approach the lunch counter]
THE BOYS
Hey Chef!
WHITE CHEF
Hello there, children.
CARTMAN
Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed
up. Chef looks like a skinny little
white guy.
WHITE CHEF
It's time for lunch-e-roo
STAN
Where's Chef?
WHITE CHEF
Chef quit.
THE BOYS
What?!
WHITE CHEF
Chef is gone. So let my introduce myself.
I'm your new cook, Mr. Durp.
KYLE
Mr. Durp?
MR. DURP
When I'm in the kitchen, you never know
what nutty things are gonna happen.
If you like Chef, you're gonna love
Mr. Durp. Ooo! Durp! Durp! O-hoh wasn't
that silly kids?
STAN
Why did Chef quit?
MR. DURP
Aren't I a great character? My antics
go right to the funny bone. Oh, I don't
feel so good. Durp!
STAN
Could you just hand us some food please?
MR. DURP
Sure gang! I have yellow stuff or white
stuff, huh. Durp!
CARTMAN
Can I have the yellow with a side of
white?
[the boys reenter the cafeteria with their lunches]
KYLE
Dude! I hate Mr. Durp!
STAN
Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school
and get him to come back.
CARTMAN
I don't know, you guys. That hammer
thing was pretty funny.
KYLE
Shut up, Cartman!
[Chef's house. The boys reach the front door]
CARTMAN
Ow!
CHEF
Oh! Hello there, children!
STAN
Chef, what the hell are you doing? We
almost starved to death at lunch today.
CHEF
Oh! Didn't they tell you? I quit.
KYLE
Yeah, but we didn't believe them.
CHEF
Well, it's true.
STAN
But why? Why would you quit?
CHEF
Children, three nights ago I was at
the library checking out some books
on kama sutra when I met the most amazing
woman ever. She knew so much about so
many things. She really got me thinking.
We eventually came back to my place
and really hit it off.
STAN
So you made sweet love to her down by
the fire.
CHEF
No no, we just sat there all night long
and... taaalked
STAN
Talked?!
CHEF
Yeah. She told me all about the powers
of goddess, and how men have been oppressing
women for years and viewing them as
sexual objects, and I realized that
I had done that myself.
WOMAN
Oh! What darling little children.
CHEF
Here she is now. Children, meet my new
girlfriend, Veronica.
STAN
That's nice. Look Chef, Cartman's got
this eye doctor, see, and he- Girlfriend?!
CHEF
Children, Veronica is moving in with
me.
KYLE
Moving in?!
CHEF
I'm in love.
BOYS
Love?!
VERONICA
Oh, you knight.
STAN
What the hell is going on?!
CHEF
Veronica spent the whole day sharing
her favorite poems with me.
VERONICA
Sorry boys, looks like I'm stealing
Chef away from you.
KYLE
But Chef always helps us with our problems.
When we have a problem, Chef sings to
us and makes it better.
CHEF
Well, I can still do that, children.
In fact, Veronica can help me. She's
a great singer, too.
VERONICA
What's the problem?
CARTMAN
My eyes are going bad, but the only
eye doctor in South Park is really,
really mean.
VERONICA
Oh, I know just the song for you.
There's got to be a morning after
if we can hold on to the night
[the boys are shocked, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]
CHEF
We have a chance to find the sunshine.
CHEF, VERONICA
Let's keep on looking for the light.
KYLE
This... is insane.
[On the sidewalk. The boys walk away from Chef's house]
KYLE
That bitch!
STAN
She's stealing Chef from us.
KYLE
He didn't even seem like Chef. He seemed
like a empty shell of a man.
CARTMAN
Maybe it's just a phase. We just have
to get him alone so we can tell him
what a bitch she is.
STAN
Wait you guys. Maybe, is it possible
that we're just jealous because Chef
is our friend, and now he's paying attention
to somebody new?
KYLE
Yeah, so?
STAN
...Yeah, screw that bitch.
CARTMAN
Bitch, I hate that bitch!
KYLE
Look, we've just gotta get Chef alone.
He won't listen to reason with that
hooker around.
STAN
Let's find out where he's working and
go see him there tomorrow.
KYLE
Good idea.
[The optometrist's office. Dr. Lott sits in the examination room
holding a clipboard]
DR. LOTT
All right, we got the test results back,
piggy-
CARTMAN
Stop calling me piggy!
DR. LOTT
You've got a small astigmatism that's
causing all the problems.
CARTMAN
So, what does that mean?
DR. LOTT
It means, piggy, that your eyesight
is never going to get better.
CARTMAN
All right. Right now, I'm gonna be
totally serious, dude. Okay? If you
call me piggy one more time, I'm gonna
leap out of this chair and rip your
god-damned nuts off with my bare hands!
DR. LOTT
Well, don't worry. I've got something
that's going to make your eyes as good
as new.
CARTMAN
Oh, dude! Super weak! I'm not wearing
these; the guys would totally rip on
me.
DR. LOTT
I know, the hardest thing to do is get
kids to wear their glasses.
CARTMAN
I'm just gonna take them off as soon
as I leave!
DR. LOTT
That's why we have the little stapler.
CARTMAN
Ow! Son of a bitch!
[The streets of South Park. The boys, without Cartman, are in
the business district looking...]
KYLE
They said that Chef works in one of
these buildings
CARTMAN
Hey dudes. Ha ha ha ha! Look at Cartman
and his stupid glasses! Ha ha ha ha!
KYLE
Dude! Just take them off!
CARTMAN
I can't! They're stapled to my head!
I hate you guys.
[Inside. The boys enter and see the receptionist]
RECEPTIONIST
Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein.
Can I help you?
STAN
We wanna talk to Chef.
RECEPTIONIST
Chef?
KYLE
He's a big guy, with a beard.
STAN
And a chef hat.
KENNY
{And a real huge dick.}
RECEPTIONIST
Oh! The black guy!
STAN
Huh?
RECEPTIONIST
Third cubicle on the left Hey! Aren't
you that cute little kid from Jerry
Maguire?
CARTMAN
Uh, yeah, sure sure.
RECEPTIONIST
Wow! You really got fat.
CARTMAN
Ey!
[The boys reach Chef's cubicle]
CHEF
Hello there, children.
KIDS
Hey, Chef.
CHEF
Eric, you got glasses!
STAN
Chef, you have to dump the bitch!
CHEF
Huh?
KYLE
We need you, Chef.
MAN
Hey, Chef-o, we're gonna run down to
the office supply store and get some
leather holders for our pagers, you
wanna come?
CHEF
You bet!
KYLE
Chef, this place isn't you!
CHEF
Children, Veronica showed me that I've
been living a very empty life. Meaningless
sex is fun for twenty or thirty years,
but after that, it starts to get old.
STAN
But we don't like her.
CHEF
Why not??
STAN
I don't know-uh. No reason I guess.
CHEF
Children, friends get girlfriends all
the time. It's something even you will
have to face with each other some day.
KYLE
No way, dude!
CARTMAN
Please, Chef! I don't know what to do
about my stupid glasses.
CHEF
That's easy! Get some laser corrective
surgery. That's what I did.
CARTMAN
Hey! Laser corrective surgery! Thanks
Chef!
CHEF
You see? Everything's gonna be fine.
Now how about I meet you boys after
work and we can play ball?
KIDS
Okay!
[The bus stop. The boys wait for Chef. Cartman carries a bat
in his right hand and a baseball in his left]
KYLE
Chef should be here any minute.
[The day passes into night, and Kenny falls asleep. Rats gather
and nibble on him. The others stand watch waiting for Chef, but
there's no sign of him. The night turns to day, and still no
Chef. Kenny wakes up...]
STAN
Dude! He bailed on us!
KYLE
I can't believe it!
STAN
Come on! We're going to his house!
[Chef's house, inside. There's a knock on the door and Chef answers.
The boys stand outside, angry.]
CHEF
Oh! Uh, hello there, children.
KYLE
All right, mister! You better have a
good explanation for why you didn't
show up to play ball!
CHEF
Oh, children, I'm sorry. I forgot.
STAN
You forgot!
CHEF
Veronica surprised me at the office
and took me out to dinner. She's so
amazing.
KYLE
Well, we've got something to tell you
about Veronica, Chef!
VERONICA
Hello, children!
CARTMAN
Ma'am, we're having a dude moment here,
if you don't mind?
CHEF
Children, I've got some great news for
you. Veronica and I are getting married.
STAN
Oh no! No nononononono!
CHEF
My whole family's coming here for the
wedding, and I want you boys to come,
too.
VERONICA
This is so wonderful! Let's sing!
There's got to be a morning after.
CHEF
If we can hold on through the night.
[the boys are truly shocked] We have a chance to find the sunshine.
[South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class]
MR. GARRISON
And that, children, is what you need
to know about The Facts Of Life. So,
let's review. Tootie left in the fourth
season, but Blair and Jo stayed on and
got husbands, leaving the fifth and
sixth seasons hideously stagnant. Okay
children, that's lunch. See you in thirty
minutes.
KYLE
Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?
MR. GARRISON
Sure.
STAN
Normally we go to Chef with our problems,
but wuh we can't this time.
MR. GARRISON
Well children, I am your teacher. I
think you'll find that my advice is
just as valuable as Chef's, if not more
so.
KYLE
All right. Mr. Garrison, have you ever
had a friend who got a new girlfriend,
and then stopped being your friend,
and it pissed you off?
MR. GARRISON
Oh, the old succubus syndrome.
STAN
What's a succubus?
MR. GARRISON
A succubus is a woman sent from Hell
to suck the life out of a man.
KYLE
That's it!
STAN
Yeah!
MR. GARRISON
Yeah, there's not much you can do about
a succubus. Their evil power makes man
blind to love.
KYLE
This is totally what's happening!
STAN
Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison!
MR. GARRISON
Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill.
Poontang's expensive. That's why when
it comes to chicks, I just screw them
and leave them. I'd say "get out of
my bedroom, poontang, before you suck
my life dry!"
KYLE
Thanks, Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON
Sure, kids.
MR. HAT
You're not fooling anyone!
MR. GARRISON
Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!
[South Park business district. The boys head back to Steinburg
and Burgstein]
KYLE
Come on guys! We gotta go tell Chef
he's in love with a succubus.
STAN
Yeah! He's gonna be so thankful we told
him.
LIANE
There you are, Eric! Come on, we have
to go to the eye doctor.
CARTMAN
Oh, no!
LIANE
Come on. Do you want your laser corrective
surgery or not?
CARTMAN
Yes, but can't we wait until tomorrow.
LIANE
Now, hon.
CARTMAN
But mo-om! I have to tell Chef that
he's marrying a succubuuus!
[Chef's house. People are milling around outside as Stan, Kyle,
and Kenny arrive. Stan rings the doorbell, and an elderly gray-haird
man answers]
CHEF'S DAD
Hello there, children.
STAN
Who are you?
CHEF'S DAD
I'm Chef's father. We just flew in for
the wedding.
KYLE
Oh, hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk
to him.
CHEF'S DAD
Well, come on in.
[Once inside, Chef's dad closes the door]
KYLE
There he is!
[The fitting room. Chef's dad shows them in, then leaves. A tailor
takes Chef's measurements for the pants as Vernoica walks by.
Chef is wearing the finished coat and shirt.]
STAN
Chef, we have to talk to you!
CHEF
Who? Not now, children! I gotta get
fitted for my britches! Be right back.
[The living room. The boys reach the sofa and hop up to sit on
it. Chef's parents sit across from them on the love seat. An
uneasy silence follows]
CHEF'S DAD
Well, aren't you crackers just cute
as the dickens?
STAN
You're Chef's parents?
CHEF'S MOM
Yes, all his life.
KYLE
We have to talk to him!
CHEF'S DAD
Well, he should be out now directly.
CHEF'S MOM
Oh, he's so excited about the wedding
now.
CHEF'S DAD
Say, would you crackers like to hear
about the time we saw the Loch Ness
monster?
STAN
No, that's okay.
CHEF'S DAD
Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight
years ago. Me and the little lady was
out on this boat, you see, all alone
at night, when all of a sudden this
huge creature, this giant crustacean
from the paleolithic era, comes out
of the water.
CHEF'S MOM
We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I
jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas,
what on earth is that creature?!"
THOMAS
It stood above us looking down with
these big red eyes,-
CHEF'S MOM
Oh, it was so scary!
THOMAS
-and I yelled. I said, "What do you
want from us, monster?!" And the monster
bent down and said, "...Uh I need about
tree-fitty."
KYLE
What's tree-fitty?
THOMAS
Three dollars and fifty cents.
CHEF'S MOM
Tree-fitty.
STAN
He wanted money?
THOMAS
That's right. I said "I ain't giving
you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness
monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
CHEF'S MOM
I gave him a dollar.
THOMAS
She gave him a dollar.
CHEF'S MOM
I thought he'd go away if I gave him
a dollar.
THOMAS
Well of course he's not gonna go away,
Nellie! You gave him a dollar, he's
gonna assume you got more!
[The optometrist's office. Cartman is on the examination chair
flanked by a nurse on each side. He is wearing a breathing mask.
Dr. Lott noves around him]
DR. LOTT
Okay, let's get started. You're here
for the liposuction, right?
CARTMAN
Hey! You son of a bitch!
DR. LOTT
All right. Time to laser me a little
piggy.
CARTMAN
Ey! You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kick
you square in the nuh- I'm gonyanya,
uhnyuh, uhnyuuh, nyaahh
DR. LOTT
I bet his mom wishes she could do that.
[Chef's house. Thomas is still telling the story...]
THOMAS
And that was the third time we saw the
Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I
believe it was July-
NELLIE
August.
THOMAS
-August. There's a knock on the door.
I open it, and there's this cute little
girl scout-
NELLIE
And she was so adorable, with the little
pig tails and all.
THOMAS
-And she says to me, "How would you
like to buy some cookies?" And I said
"Well, what kind do you have?" She had
thin mints, graham crunchy things-
NELLIE
Raisin oatmeal.
THOMAS
-Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take
a graham crunch. How much will that
be?" And she looks at me and she says,
"...Uh I need about tree-fitty."
NELLIE
...Tree-fitty.
THOMAS
Well, it was about that time that I
notice that girl scout was about eight
stories tall and was a crustacean from
the protozoic era.
NELLIE
The Loch Ness monster.
THOMAS
I said, "Dammit monster! Get off my
lawn! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!"
It said, "how about just two-fitty?"
I said, "Oh, now it's only two-fitty!!
What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness
munchies or something?!"
NELLIE
Lord, he was angry.
THOMAS
Damn right, I was angry!
NELLIE
Not you, the monster. He was about to
kick your ass.
THOMAS
Aah, shut your mouth, woman!
STAN
Uh, could you just tell Chef we were
here?
THOMAS
Sure. That crazy old monster Now, then
the fourth time I saw the...
[Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed recovering from the laser
corrective surgery on his eyes. Patches cover his eyes and are
taped to his face. There's a knock on his door, and the boys
enter]
STAN
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
CARTMAN
That asshole eye doctor screwed up my
laser surgery; I have to wear these
bandages for three days!
STAN
Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
CARTMAN
Oh, thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw!
What happened with Chef? Did you tell
him she's a succubus?
STAN
Well, we couldn't even talk to him.
She's so evil. She has him totally kept
away from us.
LIANE
Eric, you have a little visitor. Is
that all right?
CARTMAN
Okay.
VERONICA
Hello, boys. I heard Eric had laser
surgery, so I made him a pie.
CARTMAN
Aaah! It's the succubus!
VERONICA
Huh?
STAN
We know what you are, lady!
KYLE
Yeah! You're a blood-thirsty succubus!
VERONICA
A what?
STAN
A demon from Hell sent to suck the life
out of men!
VERONICA
Boys, you know how silly that sounds,
don't you?
KYLE
Well, you are taking Chef from us.
VERONICA
Boys, come here. I want to explain
this to you. I know Chef is your friend,
but Chef is a grown man. He has needs
you boys can't fulfill. He wants a life
with me because I make him happy. Do
you understand?
STAN
I guess
VERONICA
Good. Oh and boys. Just one more thing.
I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow, And
there's not a God-damned thing you can
do about it! Toodle-oo!
STAN
Jesus dude!
CARTMAN
What? What happened?
[King Jimmy's Buffet. A banner spans the front of the restaurant,
saying, "Clsoed for Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Party." Chef, his
family, Veronica, and other guests are present. Soft jazz plays
in the background.]
THOMAS
Could I have your attention please?
Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married
to a beautiful lady. I'm very happy
for them both. Ooh there I go! I told
myself I wasn't gonna cry, now.
CHEF
It's okay, pop.
NELLIE
Thomas, you're gonna get me going now.
THOMAS
Oh, I remember when Chef was just a
three-year-old little man. He came running
up to me with a big smile and his little
chef's hat on, and he said, "Poppa,
poppa!" I said "What do you need, Chef,
my boy?", and he said, "...I need about
tree-fitty."
NELLIE
...Tree-fitty.
THOMAS
Well, it was about that time I got suspicious.
I said, "Chef, why do you need tree-fitty?"
He said, "My imaginary friend Goo-Goo
the dinosaur wants it." I went to my
son's room, and sure enough, there was
the Loch Ness monster!
NELLIE
Oh, it was scary!
THOMAS
I said, "Dammit monster! You stop bugging
my children now! We work for our money
in this house and we don't give money
away!"
[the door opens, and the boys enter]
STAN
Excuse me! We're sorry to interrupt,
but we've got bad news.
KYLE
This is not a woman! It is a succubus!
CHEF
What?!
STAN
Yeah! She's evil and wants to suck Chef's
life out of him
VERONICA
Children! That hurts my feelings.
KYLE
Oh, you can pretend all you want! You're
not fooling anybody!
CHEF
All right guys! That's enough! I have
had it with you! This is the happiest
time of my life, and you can't be happy
for me!
STAN
Chef, but-
CHEF
No buts, Stan! I love this woman, and
I am marrying her! Now you can either
accept that, or get out of my life!
Now if you'll excuse us, we're having
a party.
THOMAS
So I chased the monster down the street,
you see...
[Outside, the boys walk away from the restaurant]
KYLE
I guess there's nothing we can do. Chef
likes her more than us.
STAN
No! I'm not willing to give up! Chef
wouldn't give up on us!
[Cartman's room, morning. Cartman is in bed with patches over
his eyes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are reading books on demonology]
STAN
Oh man! There's tons of stuff on succubuses,
but nothing on how to stop them.
CARTMAN
You guys, it's six in the morning, I
have to get some sleep.
STAN
Dude! Chef's wedding is in three hours.
We've got that much time to find out
how to destroy a Succubus.
CARTMAN
You know what?! Screw Chef! There, I
said it! Screw him! Let him marry a
succubus! I wanna go to sleep.
KYLE
Here! Here! Look at this. It says "The
succubus enchants its victim with an
eerie melody. This is the Succubi power.
Only playing this melody backwards can
vanquish the succubus power."
STAN
What the hell does that mean?
KYLE
I don't know.
KENNY
(Hey, you guys! You guys, I think I
know precisely what it's saying. It
says that we've gotta go and find a
pile of records and get the one that
has the entire lyrics, and then we gotta
get into learning to rearrange them.)
STAN
Right.
KENNY
(And then we gotta go down and get a
piece of paper and write down each one
of the words we sang on the tape deck.
And then, sing it back again!)
STAN
Yeah?
KENNY
(That's what that means!)
STAN
Oh-hoho!
KYLE
Hey yeah! What's that song she always
sings? There's got to be a morning after.
CARTMAN
If we can hold on to the night.
We've got to find our way together...
STAN
That's it! We gotta learn that song
backwards.
KYLE
In three hours.
[First Church of South Park. A banner above the lower cross reads
"Congratulations Chef and Veronica." People are streaming in
for the wedding]
KYLE
Ah man! I can't keep my eyes open.
STAN
We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail
that song. You got the tape recorder,
Cartman? Cartman??
KYLE
He's asleep. Wake up fatass!
CARTMAN
What what what?
STAN
God-damnit! You can't fall asleep.
CARTMAN
I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking
really hard!
THOMAS
...And then these aliens had me up on
their ship, right? They was probing
me and all that.
NELLIE
We had taco salad that night.
THOMAS
Don't matter what we had for dinner
woman! Now this alien had a big head
and big black eyes, and it was all bent
over me. I said, "What do you want from
me, alien?!" and do you know what he
said?
NELLIE
Tree-fitty.
THOMAS
Uh. Let me tell the damn story now!
He said, "tree-fitty." And so I realized
I that it wasn't no alien, it was that
God-damned Loch Ness monster again,
trying to trick me into giving him tree-fitty
by dressing up like an alien. Don't
that just beat all?!
NELLIE
I had just given him tree-fitty the
week before.
THOMAS
What?! You gave that monster another
damn tree-fitty?!
NELLIE
He tricked me.
THOMAS
Well no wonder the damn monster keeps
coming back to our house! You keep giving
it tree-fitty!
[The ceremony begins. An usher goes up to a turntable and sets
the needle down on a racord. Veronica enters in a traditional
wedding gown]
STAN
There she is!
STAN
Bitch. Bitch.
KYLE
Bitch.
STAN
Bitch.
KYLE
Dirty bitch.
STAN
All right. Kyle and I are gonna take
our positions up front.
CARTMAN
Okay.
PRIEST MAXI
Do you, Chef, take this woman as your
lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-
CHEF
Iii do!
NELLIE
Aaah, my baby's getting married!
PRIEST MAXI
And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be
your daddy?
VERONICA
I do!
PRIEST MAXI
And now a special sharing of vows through
song.
STAN
Here it goes
VERONICA
There's got to be a morning after.
STAN
Now, Cartman!
KYLE
Now, Cartman!!
CHEF
Children! You are screwing up my wedding!
VERONICA
I'll take care of them!
KYLE
Cartman!! Wake up you fat piece of crap!!
CARTMAN
Ow!
STAN, KYLE
light the for looking on keep Let's
sunshine...
VERONICA
Aaargh!
STAN, KYLE
the find to chance a have We
night-
VERONICA
Noooo!
CHEF
What the-?!
STAN, KYLE
-the to on-
CARTMAN
Oh no! The tape jammed!
MAN
Oh my God!
WOMEN
Oh my God!
CHEF
What the-?!
THOMAS
She's a goddam Succubus!
NELLIE
Succubus trying to take my baby!
[Outside, The doors open and people pour out]
[Inside, Stan and Kyle try to get Cartman's attention again]
STAN
Come on Cartman!
CARTMAN
I can't see anything!
KENNY
(Wait...)
STAN
Oh my God! She killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastard!
NELLIE
You damn monster! Get away from my
baby!
THOMAS
Hold on, now, I'll see if I have tree-fitty!
NELLIE
Oh my-
CARTMAN
Got it!
STAN, KYLE
-the to on hold can we if after
morning a be to got There's
Warm and safe that's... [the ground opens up, flames appear, and
the succubus drops down into the hole. The flames leave with
her. Chef walks up to the hold and looks over it]
MR. GARRISON
Hoh, wow! You don't see that every
day!
STAN
We're sorry Chef, we had to do it!
CHEF
No I'm, I'm glad you did, children.
Now that she's gone, I can't really
figure out what I ever saw in her.
MR. GARRISON
Poontang's poontang.
CHEF
Come on, children. Let's go get some
ice cream.
STAN, KYLE
Hooray!
CARTMAN
What? What happened you guys? Is Kenny
okay?
[The cafeteria kitchen. Chef is back at the counter as the boys
enter.]
CHEF
Hello there, children!
STAN, KYLE
Hey, Chef!
CHEF
How would you like some fish sticks
and tater tots?
STAN
We'd love them!
KYLE
It's great to have you back Chef!
CHEF
Yeah, well, I learned a very important
lesson this week:
[begins to sing]
Sometimes you fall in love and you think it feels that way forever.
You change your life and didn't know your friends cause you think
it can't get any better.
But then love goes away; no matter what, it doesn't stay as strong.
And then you're left with nothing, cause your tinking with your
dong.
So watch out for that love bug! It can destroy like a typhoon
wind!
Just play it cool and don't be a fool...
MR. GARRISON
And never let poontang come between
you and your friend.
CHEF
Daaamn right, Garrison!
[The optometrist's office. Cartman walks in with a large ice
box. His bandages are off. Now we know why he wasn't at school
with Stan and Kyle.]
DR. LOTT
Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes
doing?
CARTMAN
After today they're gonna be fine, and
I'll never have to see you ever again!
DR. LOTT
I don't think that's possible, piggy,
not with your eyes.
CARTMAN
No, not with my eyes. With these! Ha
ha ha ha ha ha!
DR. LOTT
Was he an organ donor?
CARTMAN
Eh-sure.
DR. LOTT
All right, then let's get to work.
Say, you don't have three dollars and
fifty cents on you, do you?
light the for looking on keep Let's
sunshine the find to chance a have We
night the to on hold can we If
after morning a be to got There's
Warm and safe that's...
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