"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 416
"THE WACKY MOLESTATION ADVENTURE"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park, day, Kyle's house. Kyle is playing football with
Ike on the front lawn. The football rests in front of Ike]
KYLE
Come on. Throw the football, Ike.
IKE
No on dahdo.
STAN
Dude! You're not gonna believe what
Cartman has!
KYLE
Hepatitis B?
CARTMAN
No, dickhole. Four tickets, 28th row,
for the Raging Pussies!
KYLE
...You got Raging Pussies tickets??
STAN
We're going tomorrow night! Cartman's
got the bus schedule all figured out!
KYLE
Hold on. I'll be right back.
[Kyle's house, living room. On the sofa Gerald reads a newspaper,
Sheila reads a book. Kyle rushes up to them]
KYLE
Mom, Dad, can I go with the guys to
see the Raging Pussies?
KYLE'S MOTHER
No, Kyle.
KYLE
But all the guys are going!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, you're not old enough, and those
concerts are dangerous and vile.
KYLE
But Mom, I-
KYLE'S FATHER
The answer is no, Kyle!
KYLE
Ugh!
[Kyle's house, front lawn. Kyle rejoins the boys]
KYLE
My parents said I can't go.
STAN
Well, of course your parents said you
can't go!
CARTMAN
Dummy, you don't ask if you can go!
I'm telling my parents I'm staying at
Stan's house, Stan's telling his parents
he's staying at Kenny's house, and Kenny's
not telling his parents anything, 'cause
they're alcoholics and they don't care!
KENNY
(Yeah!)
KYLE
Ah. Oh, now I already told them.
CARTMAN
Well, I guess you're screwed, then.
KYLE
No! It's alright! Just give me some
time to work on them. I'll see you guys
later.
[Kyle's house, living room. Kyle tries to persuade his parents]
KYLE
...But what if I do a bunchof chores around
the house? Come on, you're being unfair!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Alright. Fine, Kyle, you can go to the
Raging Pussies concert if you clean
out the garage, shovel the driveway
and bring democracy to Cuba!
KYLE
What's Cuba?
KYLE'S FATHER
A communist country run by a dictator
named Fidel Castro.
KYLE
And do I have to shovel the whole driveway,
or just the side the car is on?
KYLE'S MOTHER
The whole thing.
KYLE
Hoh, geez.
[Kyle's house, his bedroom, night. He's at his desk writing a
letter. He's done his other chores]
KYLE
DEAR MR. CASTRO
My name is Kyle.
[thinks]
I am an eight-year-old American boy who lives in South Park.
[Centro Nacional de Cuba. Castro, flanked by an armed guard on
each side, is at his desk reading Kyle's letter]
And if I had just one wish, just one wish in the whole world,
If I had one wish it'd be for Cuba to change.
[Castro sees a drawing of a sad Kyle holding a flower, which
fades to a sad Kyle writing his letter]
Because I think that all the Cubans are in pain
All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea
[Kyle finishes a drawing of a sad rainbow coalition atop a world
globe]
Doesn't mean a thing if Cubans aren't free
[Castro see a drawing of a sad Kyle inside a small house]
I just can't be very happy, that's certain
[A picture of Kyle replaces his self-portrait on the paper]
Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin'
[Kyle finishes one last drawing of himself, which Castro sees
last]
Oh, won't you search your soul and find a way to change your
mind?
That is my one and only wish.
CASTRO
¡¡Llamen a todos junto!!
[Kyle's house, living room, next day. He and his parents watch
TV and a news brief comes on. Kyle smiles, his parents are stuned]
Reporter Once again, this does marks the end of Communism in
Cuba. Cuban dictator Fidel Castro claims he was finally convinced
by a young boy's letter. [A shot of Kyle behind a wooden fence
comes up] Now the country is again open to American tourism.
[shot of Sheila and Gerald stunned] Plans can finally resume
for Knott's Berry Farm Cuba. [Sheila and Gerald look at each
other]
KYLE
I did it! Now I can go to the Raging
Pussies!
KYLE'S MOTHER
No you can't!
KYLE
What??
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, your mother and I don't want you
going to the Raging Pussies concert!
We gave you a chore that we thought
was impossible. You weren't supposed
to actually do it.
KYLE
But I did! Ah, I brought -democracy
to Cuba!
KYLE'S MOTHER
We know, Kyle, but we just don't want
you going to their concert.
KYLE
But that's not fair! You lied to me!
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, perhaps we handled this wrong,
buh- but you need to understand that
we don't want-
KYLE
What I understand is that you totally
screwed me over!! So why should I have
to listen to you?!
KYLE'S FATHER
Because we're your parents!
KYLE
We I wish I didn't have any parents!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle!
[Kenny's house, front steps. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit on the
steps as Kenny plays on the lawn with a fire truck]
KYLE
It's so unfair! How can my parents do
that to me?!
STAN
Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes,
dude. They get off on it.
KYLE
They're evil! I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE ANY
PARENTS!
CARTMAN
Well, you... could make them... go away
for a while.
KYLE
How?!
CARTMAN
Well, I mean, you... could... call the police
and have them take your parents away.
STAN
The police?
CARTMAN
Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta
do is call the police and say that your
parents both molestered you.
KYLE
What's that?
CARTMAN
I don't know, but it works. When I wanted
to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend,
I just called the police, and said he
was molestering me, and I haven't seen
him for three months.
KYLE
Wow! Three months without parents!
KENNY
(Wow, that is awesome!)
STAN
But what do the police do to them?
KYLE
Who cares? My parents deserve whatever
they get. They're liars and cheats.
CARTMAN
You have to make it convincing, though,
when you call the police. You have to
be like, "my parents molestered me."
KYLE
"My parents molestered me."
CARTMAN
No, but you've gotta cry, like this:
"My parents molestered me." And then
they'll say somethng like, "Was it a
good touch or a bad touch?" and you
say "Ih, it was a good touch" or- no
wait, you say it was a bad touch.
KYLE
What's "bad touch"?
CARTMAN
Something about a swimsuit - I don't
remember, but you definitely answer
"bad touch."
KYLE
Okay, molestered, bad touch.
CARTMAN
Yeah, And cry. Oh, he's ready.
[Kyle's house, front lawn, day. Police and press gather round
as the four boys and Ike watch by the driveway. Gerald and Sheila
exit the house followed by two policemen. Two reporters try to
ask them questions as cameras go off all around them]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh my God, this isn't happening. I would
never touch my children like that.
CASE WORKER
You do have the right to remain silent,
ma'am. I suggest you use that right.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Ugh, pleae, just listen to me! What
about my children? Who will take care
of them?
CASE WORKER
Oh, now you care?! They're going to
live with their grandmother.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Their grandmother's been dead for three
years. You're not listenng to me. Kyle,
tell these people that your mother
never raped you! Tell them! It's my
fault. Say it! Tell them right now!!
CASE WORKER
They'll never be able to hurt you again.
KYLE
Cool, thanks.
CASE WORKER
Alright, folks. Our work here is done.
STAN, KYLE
Alright!
[Kyle's house, living room, shot of the hallway and stairs. "Old
Time Rock 'N' Roll" plays And so... Kyle slides into view in
his hat and underwear, facing away from the camera. He looks
left and his sunglasses are shown. As the first words are sung,
Kyle faces the camera and lip-syncs to them. With Chinpoko Mon
around them, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman jump gleefully up and down
on the sofa. In the kitchen Ike sticks a fork into the toaster.
Kyle dances some more.
Next scene is the Raging Pussies concert outside and inside a
stadum. The four boys are in the audience, and Kyle is still
in underwear.
Next scene shows kids from all over descend on Kyle's house for
a party at night. Everyone dances inside, some kids are eating
pizzaand Kyle is still in underwear]
STAN
Dude! Having no parents is awesome!
I'm gonna say my parents molestered
me, too.
CARTMAN
Hey, yeah! We should all say our parents
molestered us!
KIDS
Yeah, uh huh, woo hoo!
[Stan's house, living room. He's on the phone crying. Next scene,
his parents are hauled off by five cops. Shelley is shocked to
see her parents go, but Stan begins to dance. She looks at him
angrily and begins to pull her fist back. Stan stops dancing
and points at her. A cop hauls her off. Stan resumes dancing.
Cartman's house, front door. The door opens and Liane is hauled
out, then one man, then Chef. Cartman appears after them and
stops at the door, and waves goodbye to them.
South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's class. In front of the
class, she's hauled off. Then Principal Victoria is taken away,
and then Mr. Mackey, as Butters accuses him of somethng to the
case worker.
Four panes appear, with a child in each one calling the police
CANYON CITY
MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON
[Stan's house, day. Stan, Kyle, and Ike sit on the sofa watching
TV]
TV ANNOUNCER
The following hot presentation is for
mature audiences only.
CARTMAN
You guys! Come out here!
[Downtown South Park. The sky is a deep blue and the streets
are clear of snow. Token, Butters and Kenny stand behind Filmore
and his friend. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Ike, and Clyde]
STAN
What's going on?
Cartman? Notice anything? [before them the town sits empty as
the sun sits between two mountains in a red sky.] Watch. [takes
a stone and throws it hard. It flies through the air and goes
through a first-floor window on a building two blocks away]
KYLE
...Nothing.
CARTMAN
Yeah, nothing. There's not an adult
left in town. They've all been arrested,
and the ones that weren't arrested have
moved away because they're scared of
being arrested
KYLE
Not one adult left?
STAN
...Then it's ours. The whole town. It's
ours.
[The Rockies, some days later. A car winds its way down the winding
road in a snow storm]
WOMAN
Oh, sweetie, I have no idea where we
are.
MAN
I haven't seen a road marker for miles.
What was the last highway we were on?
WOMAN
There has to be a town around here somewhere.
MAN
Maybe you're reading the map wrong.
WOMAN
Hey, it was your idea to take the backroads.
MAN
What the? Oh no. No, no, no, no.
WOMAN
What's the matter with it?
MAN
I have no idea. Oh, we're gonna have
to find some help quick. We're not gonna
make it more than a couple of miles.
WOMAN
Oh, look! There's a town up ahead.
Smiley Town? That's a strange name.
MAN
Well, it'll have to do. It's probably
the only town for a hundred miles.
[Smiley Town, a beat-up gas station. The car rolls up and the
man and woman get out. The woman joins the man on the driver's
side of the car.]
WOMAN
Hello? Is anybody here?
BUTTERS
Hoh, hahh, can I- help you folks?
MAN
...Yes, we need a mechanic to look at
our car.
BUTTERS
Oh, well-l-l, uh, I'm the mec-hanic,
I guess. Woh-what seems to be the problem?
MAN
...It's... just you here?
BUTTERS
No, uh Craig's here, too.
MAN
Oh, good.
BUTTERS
But he's playing Spaceman right now.
Huh. Hey, Craig!
CRAIG
What?
MAN
Look we're in a bit of a spot here!
I've got a very important job interview
tomorrow morning in Breckenridge, so
I have to get my car fixed fast! Is
there another garage in town?
BUTTERS
Huuuhhhh, no.
MAN
How about a phone? Can we just use the
phone?
BUTTERS
Phone here doesn't work. Haa-I'm afraid
the only phone that does work... is over
in Treasure Cove.
MAN
Fine! Can you take us there?
CRAIG
You... sure you wanna go to Treasure Cove?
WOMAN
Yes.
BUTTERS
Uhh rrreeally are you sure?
MAN
Yes.
BUTTERS
Oh, alright then. Uh, show 'em where
it is.
[Downtown Smiley Town. Craig leads the couple down the streets
to a white line running down the center of a cross street]
CRAIG
This is the end of Smiley Town. The
only phone is somehwere in Treasure
Cove. If you wanna find it, you're gonna
have to cross the white line.
MAN
Well, can you help us find the phone,
please?
CRAIG
Hell no! I'm not crossing the white
line.
WOMAN
Why not?!
MAN
Alright, let's just... go, Linda. I don't
have time for Spaceman Spiff's little
games.
CRAIG
Craig.
MAN
What?
CRAIG
It's Spaceman Craig.
[Downtown Treasure Cove. The couple walks into this town to the
sound of ominous music. The town looks worse than Smiley Town
does.]
TWO SMALL VOICES
Carousel.
MORE VOICES
Nah nah nanah nah!
MAN
Look, there's an elementary school
Come on, there might be some teachers
inside.
LINDA
What is that? [the truck turns around and comes back]
WAAH [raises a foot to avoid being hit by the truck. The truck
goes down the street, then turns around and returns once more,
stopping in front of the frightened couple]
What do you want from us??
MAN
Linda, it's a remote-controlled car.
Looks like maybe there's a little camera
on it.
LINDA
Mark, I don't like this.
MARK
Relax, Linda, everything's fine. Ow.
Ow.
LINDA
What is it?! Acid?!
MARK
No, ud, it's lemon juice.
LINDA
Oh God! Are you blind?!
MARK
No, it just really, really, really hurts!
LINDA
Mark? Mark, look. Well, hello. What's
your name? What- what do you want?
JENNY
We wanna play.
Linda [panicked, rises] Mark, I'm scared!
MARK
Don't be scared. They're just kids.
Where are your parents?!
FILMORE
We already played with our parents.
JENNY
How, we wanna play wit' youuuu.
MARK
...Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked
me out.
KINDERGARTNERS
We wanna play wit' you!
MARK
Get off me!
LINDA
Oh God, Mark! Help!
FILMORE
Oh no! She's crossing the white line!
KINDERGARTNERS
Whoa!
KINDERGARTNER
Spitwads!
CRAIG
Take that, kindergartners!
KINDERGARTNERS
Ew!
MARK
What the hell is gong on here?!
CRAIG
Kindergartners. Treasure Cove is full
of them.
MARK
Alright, kid! We demand to see an adult
this instant!
CRAIG
I got new orders. I'm supposed to take
you to see the mayor.
MARK
The mayor! Good! Finally!
[Smiley Town City Hall, day. Pictures of Cartman adorn the building
and the path to the front door. A large inflatable King Kong
floats above the snow and is tethered to the ground below. Craig
and Butters liead Mark and Linda into the Mayor's office, where
they face Cartman behind the desk, and two other boys. Clyde
Frog sits on the desk at Cartman's right side, and his boombox
is at left.]
CARTMAN
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cotner. Won't you
come in, please? Mr. and Mrs. Cotner,
as the mayor of Smiley Town, I would
like to ask you a few questions.
LINDA
You're the mayor? What the hell is gong
on here?! Where are your parents?!
CARTMAN
Parents? Ah, you mean the birth-givers.
They're not around.
MARK
No parents in the entire town? What
happened to them?
CARTMAN
Okay, see, I am the mayor of Smiley
Town, and so I will ask the questions
around hyah!
LINDA
Look, just point us to a phone, kid,
alright?
CARTMAN
Eheh, I'm afraid you'll find all the
phones... quite out of service.
MARK
No phones, either? How do you communicate?
CARTMAN
Butters, I need an ETA on the car,
stat.
MARK
Alright, we've had just about enough
here! That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever seen! I don't care what little
games you kids wanna play, we just want
outta here, alright?
BUTTER'S VOICE
It's gonna be about three days.
CARTMAN
So, it appears that you need me. Which
is good, because... I need you, too.
Ringy-ding?
MARK
I have the job interview of my life
in Breckenridge! Just tell me how to
get to a phone or a car!
ASSISTANT
Spitball!
CARTMAN
Aaahh! You sons of bitches! You see
what we're dealing with here. Tonight
is Carousel. And they will try to kill
one of us. Eh, you two seem to have
the uncanny ability to cross the white
line. If you help us, we'll get you
what you need.
[Dividing line at the John Elway Memorial Park. The couple enters
the park, Mark on the left side of the line, Linda on the right
side]
LINDA
Mark, are we doing the right thing?
MARK
Look! If getting the stupid book will
get me a cell phone, I don't care!
LINDA
I just don't know if you're dealing
with these kids the right way.
MARK
Well, I told you I can't deal with
kids, Linda! That's why I don't want
to have children!
LINDA
Hey, I think you'd make a great father.
MARK
Oh, let's not go through this again,
Linda. D- Look, here's the book they've
been talking about- it makes no sense.
LINDA
My God! Mark! What is it??
MARK
It's a boy. They... killed him.
LINDA
The bastards. Oh, Mark, let's get out
of here.
KINDERGARTNERS
Nah nah nanah nah!
LINDA
Na-a-ah!
MARK
Oh no!
LINDA
Mark!
MARK
Uh. The fat kid told us to take it.
[Treasure Cove Elementary, evening. Inside, Mark and Linda are
tied, asleep and backs to each other, next to a bonfire.]
MARK
Wuh. Aah! Mark! Mark, wake up!
KIDS
Nah nah nanah nah!
STAN
You guys, stop it! Sorry about them.
Kindergartners are kind of spazzes.
KYLE
Yeah.
MARK
Why are you doing this?
STAN
How come you wanna help the fatass?!
MARK
Who?
KYLE
The fatass. The mayor.
MARK
Look, I have the job interview of my
life in less than- -12 hours! I just
need a phone, and he said he'd help
me if I took your book so you couldn't...
kill them anymore.
STAN
You got foolied, outlander! We're the
only ones with a working phone. And
if you had taken our book, then it's
one of us who dies tonight at Carousel!
LINDA
Uh, how did this all happen? Why do
you children live in this town alone?
KYLE
Because we do. It was like this yesterday,
and the day before that.
LINDA
But what about before that?
STAN
You mean in the Before time? In the
long, long ago?
LINDA
Yes!!
STAN
If we tell you, will you help us stop
Fatass?
MARK
I'll do anything to get to a phone!
STAN
Alright. Everybody gather round. We're
gonna tell the story of the Before time
again.
KIDS
The Before time.
BOY
The story of the Before time.
STAN
Way back, in the long long ago, we
all lived by the birthgivers' laws.
But the birthgivers were unfair. They
made us go to bed early and eat broccoli.
KIDS
Yuck, yuck, yuck.
STAN
And so the fatass came up with a way
to have all the birthgivers disappear.
, by using the magic M word.
KIDS
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
STAN
Soon we were without power, water, or
fresh food. But we tried to survive.
Under the guidance of... the Provider.
KIDS
Provider. Provider.
STAN
The fatass and us disagreed on how to
worship the provider. The fatass tried
to make us follow his way by making
himself the school principal. So we
made ourselves the superintendents of
school. But then he just made himself
the mayor. The town split sides and
that's when the Provider got angry.
KIDS
Boo!
BOY
Bwack bwack!
KIDS
Coosh!
STAN
So now, every night, the Provider must
be appeased at Carousel. We need their
book so one of ours doesn't die.
KIDS
Carousel, Carousel.
STAN
We all know that one day, the Provider
will set us free. Make everything like
it was in the before time. In the long,
long ago.
MARK
Ah-ah-ah-ah,let me get this straight:
if I go get the fat kid's book on the
other side of the white line, you'll
show me where a cell phone is?
STAN
Yes. No foolies.
KIDS
No foolies.
[Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, outside. The couple is still
inside]
MARK
No, uh, it's it's it's right out here.
Come on. Linda, I want you to just
go back to the car and wait for me,
alright? I'll go get that fat kid's
book so I can use their phone.
LINDA
Mark, I'm scared.
MARK
I know, but this will all be over soon.
[Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day. Sheila, dressed in
prison orange, is brought into a large room to join the other
adults, and the door is locked behnd her.]
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, Gerald, I haven't seen you for so
long!
KYLE'S FATHER
Hello, honey, how has prison been for
you?
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, it's awful! Just awful.
SPEAKER
Alright parents, let's all take our
seats. My name is Scott Evans, and
I am a prison rehabilitation counselor.
RANDY
Uh, excuse me, but my wife and I honestly
never touched our child.
KYLE'S FATHER
Eh, neither did we.
MRS. MCCORMICK
We didn't, either.
MR. EVANS
Enough, enough! Look, it's obvious
we have a lot of emotional issues and
personal demons to face here. During
your prison time, you will all be spending
one hour a day in therapy here with
me. What I want you to do is learn to
control those sick, sexual urges you
have. Now we're gonna try an exercise:
I'm gonna confront you with vwhat you
lust after most. Alright parents, now
I, I know this is difficult, but I want
you to just look at this child. Just
try to suppress your urges to rape him.
Just think about somethin' else. Think
about clouds and beaches. Don't think
about his supple, soft little body.
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, that's disgusting!!! Now, now stop
this!!
MR. EVANS
Fight your urges, Mr. Broflovski!
KYLE'S FATHER
I don't have any urges!
MR. EVANS
I can't help you if you won't admit
you need help!! Now sit down! Look,
I know this is very difficult for all
of you. Most of you are still in denial
about what you've done! To you it seems
you've never raped your children at
all! But you did. Help meeee help youuuu.
Now let's try again. Look at this
young man. Just look. Don't rape. Fight
it. Fight it!
[Smiley Town, street. Linda walks out from behnd a van.]
LINDA
Oh God, God, please just let us out
of this place.
BUTTERS
I thnk I found the problem, ma'am. A
broken window roller-upper.
LINDA
Oh no. NO! Aaaah!
CARTMAN
Where is your husband?
LINDA
Uh, uh...
CARTMAN
Seize her!
[Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, school gym. Mark has returned]
MARK
Alright, I got the book for you.
STAN
Awesu-home!
MARK
Now, can I please have the cell phone?
KYLE
Sure, outlander. I'll get it
CARTMAN
Outlander!
[Treasure Cove Elementary, outside. Cartman, holding a taser,
leads the Smiley Town members to the school. Linda is bound and
gagged, but can still walk]
CARTMAN
Outlander! We have your woman! She still
lives, outlander! Outlander, her blood
was fair!
BUTTERS
Oo what the heck are you talkin' about?
CARTMAN
Butters, calm down, ahright?
[Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day, meeting room.]
MR. EVANS
Okay, so what are some other things
that we can do besides molest our children?
MAN
See a movie?
MR. EVANS
Sure, "see a movie"'s good. We could
see a movie instead of molesting our
children. What else?
MRS. MCCORMICK
Make a sweater?
MR. EVANS
Uh huh. I'll put ah, "knitting, sewing."
Who's got another one?
BLOND MAN
Molest children?
MR. EVANS
Nonono, we're looking for things to
do besides molesting our children.
BLOND MAN
Oh. Fishing?
MR. EVANS
Fishing's good. Uh huh.
[John Elway Memorial Park, night. The two towns meet at the deviding
line, Linda with Smiley Town, Mark with Treasure Cove.]
CARTMAN
I believe you have something of ours,
outlander! Give it back, or the female
gets it!
LINDA
Mmrrhhhh!
CARTMAN
Heh, heheh.
LINDA
Rrrmm-mmrrhh!
MARK
Give him the book back.
STAN
No. If they have it, one of ours will
die for Carousel!
CARTMAN
We're running outu of time! Hand our
book over, quick!
MARK
Enough of this! You kids are all in
big trouble!
CARTMAN
The Provider awakes!
STAN
It's time for Carousel! Haha, your side
doesn't have its book, fatass! That
means someone on your side is sacrificed
tonight.
CARTMAN
Aw, damnit! Alright. It is decided.
Butters, your turn.
BUTTERS
Oh, I'm gonna be sacrificed to the Provider!
MARK
Stop right there! Nobody's killing anybody
tonight!
LINDA
Be careful, Mark. They'll nake you disappear
with the M word.
CARTMAN
Yeah, we'll call the police and say
you molestered us, too.
MARK
What?
BUTTERS
I'm here for you, Provider! Uh, take
me!
MARK
Is that what happened to the adults
here?! You lied to the police and said
they molested you?! My God, they were
your parents!
STAN
Parents?
MARK
The birth-givers! Your birthgivers.
Don't you remember? They are your providers!
Not some statue! And they're not up
in some fantastical faraway land now.
They're in prison. Probably crying
themselves to sleep, cold and lonely
and... I'm sure missing you all very,
very much. Your birthgivers took care
of you. That's what their laws and their
rules were for, because they love you,
and they didn't want you to end up living
like... th-this! He won't take care of
you. Your parents... your... providers...
will.
KYLE
Parents. Mom. Dad.
BUTTERS
Oh boy, here it comes!
MARK
If you want things to be the way they
were in the before time, in the long,
long ago, you all need to call the police
and tell them you lied about them M
word.
STAN
He's right, dude. Things were a lot
better with our parents around.
KYLE
Yeah. I guess their rules did have a
point. Things have gotten a lot worse
in the ten days since they've been gone.
MARK
Ten days?? It's only been ten days since
they left??
CARTMAN
Take him down.
BUTTERS
Hey, uh, what are you doin'?? Ha-I'm
ready to give myself to Mr. Elway.
KYLE
Here's our cell phone, dude. Will you
call the police for us?
LINDA
Hey. Looks like you're not so bad with
kids after all.
MARK
Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe we
should have some.
LINDA
Yeah, right. After all this, I'm getting
my tubes ties tomorrow!
[South Park, day, neighborhood street. The town has been cleaned
up. The kids stand in front of a house waiting for a bus to roll
up. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Craig hold a banner among them which
reads, red letters on yellow background, "Welcome Home, PARENTS!"
Butters walks up]
STAN
Come on, you guys! Our parents are gonna
be back any minute!
KYLE
Do you think they're gonna pissed at
us for lying that they molested us and
sending them all to jail for ten days?
STAN
Well, they can't be too pissed off.
I mean, we made them a banner.
LINDA
Hey, kids.
STAN
Hey, you guys came back!
KYLE
Did you make it to your job interview?
MARK
Yeah. I got the job. You're looking
at the new manager of Denny's in Breckenridge.
LINDA
And I got my tubes tied.
KIDS
Alright!
KYLE
Well, thnaks for everything, you guys.
You really helped us see how important
parents are.
KIDS
Yeah.
BUTTERS
Hey! Here they come!
KYLE
Mom! Dad!
KYLE'S MOTHER
Kids!
PARENTS
...Come here, come here.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, Kyle. Ike, sweetie, you're OK.
KYLE
Yeah. We're fine.
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, we're so sorry for the horrible
sexual abuse over the years. But we're
all better now.
KYLE
But you didn't do anything to me.
KYLE'S FATHER
Hup, we did. We've come to terms with
it through therapy and learned to admit
it.
KYLE'S MOTHER
It won't happen again.
KYLE
But, you guys, I-
SHARON
Oh, Stanley, I wish we could take back
all the years of abuse, but we can't.
LIANE
We've learned to overcome it, son.
You'll see.
BUTTERS' FATHER
We love you, son, but we only love you
in a platonic way from now on.
BUTTERS
Oo-what the heck are you talkin' about?
MRS. MCCORMICK
Kenny? Kenny, we're sorry. Where is
he?
JENNY'S MOTHER
Everything's gonna be alright now,
Jenny. Come on, let's go home.
STAN
Huh.
KYLE
Huh.
MARK
Well, what are you kids gonna do now?
STAN
I dunno. You guys wanna build a snow
igloo?
KYLE
Sure.
CARTMAN
Snow igloos kick ass.
THE END
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